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Original poster

Should we be asked before plans are made when it involves dc?

60 replies

exoticbloom · 27/05/2025 08:08

My DC aged 11 recently got their first phone due to starting secondary school.
Since they got the phone my in-laws have now starting communicating with them which on one hand I see the positives of a good relationship however this communication often involves making plans with dc without consulting either me or dh prior.
An example recently was dc was recently on a half day from school and I was off work so I thought I'd used the opportunity to go through dcs clothes with them and get organised for our upcoming holiday.
In-laws message dc asking them over to theirs for tea which then meant I had to either say you can go and put the task off or do it myself or say no and be the bad guy essentially. I told them to go and have fun.
This isn't the first time things like this have happened. DC is also saying to me in-laws have invited them on holiday later this summer but again this hasn't been mentioned to me or dh however when dh asked his mum about it she was like well only if you's have nothing on.
I'm just wondering if they should be checking with me or dh first before making plans or is this normal now as your dc gets older?

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 27/05/2025 08:41

They are NBU to text your DC and ask.

I assume if their friends do the same your child checks with you first? Teach them to do the same if it’s family too.

Your child’s old enough to have said they were busy and shouldn’t have said they could go and of course old enough for you to have reminded them of their current engagement and that they need to say not that time.

I loved it when ds got his own phone and his relationships extended beyond my facilitation. But I also taught him about commitment and how to communicate no or communicate with me to check we don’t have family arrangements. (TbH he knew if we had family arrangements as use Google calender for them as that gave him independence to work out if he was free or not)

thepariscrimefiles · 27/05/2025 08:30

Your in-laws should certainly speak to you or your DH about taking your DS on holiday to get your permission before inviting him directly.

When they invite him to tea, do they give plenty of notice or are they inviting him on that day? They need to give some notice so you know not to cater for your son. Do they pick him up and drop him back or do you or your DH need to do it?

Are your PILs generally over-steppers where your son is concerned or is this new?

Communitywebbing · 27/05/2025 08:17

Tell DC and the grandparents that all plans have to go through you.
Big plans like the holiday should go to you first really, that is a bit much.

2ndbestslayer · 27/05/2025 08:15

The holiday they absolutely should have checked with you though!

2ndbestslayer · 27/05/2025 08:15

I can't really see the issue at that age. Presumably a friend could contact him to make plans and you wouldn't expect it to go through you first? As long as your son is checking with you before heading off somewhere.

I don't really have an issue with being the bad guy though - I'd also argue asking a child to finish a task before going somewhere isn't really being a bad guy.

PicaK · 27/05/2025 08:14

I'd never make a plan with a child. Would you do it to your kids' friends? Never!
It feels like they are leaving you out of the decision making process because they are.
Your DH should have a word - nicely - but point out they're still kids and not in charge of their own diary yet. Plus you don't want them disappointed or for you guys to have to be the bad guys when you say no.
I mean they can still have the joy if suggesting a plan to the kids but only when you've okayed it first. They have your number right?

obsessedwithfreshbread · 27/05/2025 08:14

This is a gentle way of breaking you in to life with secondary aged DC
they organise their own lives and free time with mates and you have no idea who these friends are until they descend like locusts on your house one day!

At least you know your in-laws!

TheSandgroper · 27/05/2025 08:12

You might have to play the bad mum for a while until GP’s learn their lesson.

”No, that’s not happening. You are 11 years old. I have to be asked first or it doesn’t happen “. And repeat.

Mumdiva99 · 27/05/2025 08:12

Teach your child to check with you before agreeing or declining.
I love that my kids are starting to have their own relationship with my parents outside of me. (And with their friends). It's all a learning curve.

OneFineDay13 · 27/05/2025 08:10

Yes your right tbey should be running stuff by you first still your child and a bit cheeky to be honest.

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