Should we be asked before plans are made when it involves dc?

I'd rather they were out playing with friends instead of going over watching tv with in-laws especially when he sees them frequently as it is.

But if his preference is to spend time with grandparents, I think at 11, it should be his choice, if he hasn't already committed to friends.

On the holiday trip, GPs should definitely check with you first, OP.

It’s fine for them to invite them. You can still say no. My dc set up things with friends all the time that just don’t work. And I have to say no. It’s part of getting some independence. You have to deal with disappointment when it doesn’t work out. If ILs are overriding your no, then dh needs to have a word.

@exoticbloom the only numbers needed in your child's phone are yours and your dh's. block any others until he is old enough to make decisions by himself. alternatively, your dh or yourself need to have a discussion with outlaws regarding these requests bypassing you in the first instance

Well yes they should be checking first but if you have a good relationship with them and their plans are no skin off your nose then id let it slide. Perhaps a gentle quiet word to mention to Grandparents you don't want to disappoint DC if you have prior engagements so may be worth running past you first, but id keep the tone very lighthearted and pleasant.

Yes…
growing in responsibility is an uncomfortable turn for everyone involved 😂😂

she didn’t say she can’t say no… read her post

This is where you need to teach your child to let you know before planning anything.

We had this problem with DD who kept arranging things and then just expecting us to know about it….. because obviously for her whole life we have known about everything she’s done as we have arranged it.

Give the grandparents some leaway, maybe the they’re assuming DC is telling you about everything they’ve discussed…….just make sure that they all know, that they can discuss plans, but not MAKE them unless you as parents have been involved before anything is finalised.

my DD was planning to go to a Theme park with her cousins and my son/his gf (adults) the first I knew of it, was my sons gf calling me and asking me what time she needed to pick them up 🤣🤣

Where is your DH in all this?

I have similar with my in laws , my MIL messages and talks to my youngest DD every day , she’s 14 but has learning disabilities and SEN , they will say “ tell your mum we will pop down tomorrow “ they live 1 hr 30 away … we are complete opposites in that they actually have their front door propped open so anyone can knock and pop in for a cuppa , I’m someone who needs several days notice of a visitor ! They know if they do it this way it’s harder for me to say no , please come next week - but I still do !

Maybe an opportunity to teach your child that 'sorry, would love to come but have other plans' is a perfectly acceptable answer to an invitation, especially a last minute one.

11 is old enough to have some control over their own diary and to understand that sometimes invites and initial plans don't work out quite as expected.

Suspect it's going to be easier to manage your child than your in laws. And worth checking with your child if you think they're maybe not wanting to spend as much time with their grandparents as the grandparents would like so you can help smooth that a bit.

GPs absolutely should check with you first.

However - soon your DS’s friends will start suggesting meeting up (if they haven’t already) so you’ll have a similar issue there.
So he will need to understand he has to check with you first and unfortunately you may sometimes have plans already - including boring ones.

However it’s unlikely his mates would ask him on holiday directly!!

If OP has been a parent for 11 years and can't say no to a DC, she's got bigger problems than ILs.

I think it's.good that they have direct communication, and as DC are checking with her before agreeing, ILs are probably asking them to do that.

I don’t see a problem it’s an age where they start to become more independent and this is just part of it. My DD (13) is always asking if she can do x or y because someone has invited her. It’s hard to let go at first but it’s an important milestone. You just need to do the work with DD at home as in it’s not always appropriate to go to x or y because we have plans or the impact to everyone else and it’s not me being the bad guy it’s just the way it is and it’s not then but maybe another time etc.

Very strange behaviour from your in laws.
Your son is a child.
Of course it should go via you.
Be clear with your son not to agree to anything without a conversation with you first.
I would suit yourself and say No anytime it doesn't work for you.
I would consider this rude.
11 is very young to be dealing with this.

My 16 and 17 year old still check/ask me before making plans to make sure they are free. The 17 year old is doing it less and less which is obviously completely fine but 16 year old even asked a few moments ago if she was free on Thursday as was trying to make plans with friends.

I would be saying to in laws and children that they need to check first.

Yeah, it is weird both parents are not made aware and communication go solely to child.

I wouldn’t like it either.

Yeah but the child doesn’t ask her…

she would feel defo differently to say no to PIL than to her child. They might enjoy the direct communication but PIL should still observe the young age setting mum put in place.

I think going for tea is ok. Your child should treat it like they would if they were going to a friend’s house, which I’m guessing now they’re in secondary school and have their own phone doesn’t always go through you?

I think it’s absolutely insane to arrange a holiday with a child and not the parents.

That feeling is understandable but one you’ll definitely need to weather. It’s not just you saying no, it’s parenting. You’re helping your child learn to navigate multiple competing schedule items, balance less fun but needed to-dos with things that sound better in the moment, and respect pre-existing commitments.

The first step of it is you doing this out-loud schedule keeping where they get an invite, ask you, and you say “we have X task that we need to do today while I have time off/ Alfie invited you over for lunch and to play and we said yes so tea will have to be another day/ we need to go buy you supplies for your poster project first so ask grandmum if tea at 5pm would work, otherwise it will have to be another day”. You’re modeling the process for them in a way that doesn’t happen if you just make all the arrangements before they’re told about them. The next step will be them tracking some of those commitments and to-dos (help them figure out a method) and you reminding when they forget.

I’d definitely have a talk with your DS about responding to invitations with “let me ask my parents” but also make a point of telling him about plans you’re making for him (including tasks that need to be done) in advance if you’re not already doing that.

You'd have been in the same position of having to say yes/no if they'd asked you direct.

They what??!!

erm. Yeah. Your child is 11. Things absolutely should be discussed with you first.

No I would have put a stop to that soon as it happened the first time. Or rather my husband would have said some thing. DC is still young and needs to understand boundary’s it’s not ok IMO. I want to know what my kids are doing who they are with and who will be around them. We live in a horrible world and I feel I know where my babies are 24/7.

Not as a general rule, no.

This is a normal part of transitioning to secondary age and there’s a learning curve for both children and parents. People (friends, relatives) will invite your DC places and they need to learn to check with their parents first and figure out if they’re free. They’ll need to gradually start keeping track of their own commitments and schedule in the coming years as well. You saying “remember we agreed to clear out your old clothes this afternoon, you’ll have to tell grandmum you can’t go today” isn’t being the bad guy, it’s just routine parenting.

But for big exciting things like a special holiday away it’s reasonable to ask the grandparents to discuss with you first at this stage IMO.

I think you should tell your child that they need to check with you before agreeing rather than tell your in laws to check with you before asking. As a pp said, this is how your child's social life will happen soon (i.e. they'll arrange things with their friends directly, rather than the parents organising it) so you may as well get used to it!