Should we be asked before plans are made when it involves dc?

I think for tea your DS should be asking if they can go, then accepting or declining the invertation. This wouldn't be a rule specifically for the grandparents, it should same as if it was a school friend or anyone else inviting them.

The holiday plans should definitely be decided between adults before including the DC in the conversation, so I'd pull them up on that. Not just because you might not want them to go, there could also other plans or logistical reasons it won't work out and it's not fair to promise a child something before you're sure it will happen.

"As long as your son is checking with you before heading off somewhere"

The parents should be asked first.
There maybe plans already in the diary so then son has agreed to do something with DGP and will then have to un agree.

Who makes plans with a child and doesn't speak to the parents?

My kids wanted their friend to come for dinner and they made plans between the three of them.
I said that I needed to speak to the other child's mum so we can arrange a date as there's no point telling me, friend is coming for dinner tomorrow.
Because we don't know if they are actually busy already as friend isn't the boss of her family, just like you are not the bosses of this family.
Turned out they couldn't make it over for a week.

God they are your children, not your property. People saying things like, “until gp have learnt their lesson” it’s pathetic. As children get older they form their own relationships and organise their time. Be grateful your dc has good gp’s who want to spend time with them and vice versa. Yes, occasionally it might not suit your plans but when it’s important you can, and should say no, but all in all you should be encouraging independence and good relationships with people who love your dc, not treating them like property, you can order about at will.

Imagine it's a house phone and GP rang to invite? No difference really except no one has house phones these days do they?

Don’t understand why dc couldn’t have sorted clothes out in the afternoon then gone round to IL? It seeps out of your post that you don’t have a great relationship with IL. A cheery ‘it’s great you are chatting to DC but to save disappointment please discuss arrangements with us first?’ Why haven’t you? This is really a PIL/ MILnpost in disguise😄

They’re completely out of order. I think it’s down to your husband to tell them. The in-law relationship has plenty of minefields without you having to negotiate this one.

I would set a rule that any requests for plans that they ask your child before getting approval from DH or you first is an automatic “no”. Make it a blanket rule for everyone, not just the in-laws. As your children get older, you can relax this rule, but by then, everyone should be used to asking you all first anyway.

It's fine for GPs to ask directly and your child should check with you too. When I was at secondary school I spent loads of time at my grandparents house, and we didn't have phones back then ;).
Wait until your DC is off out to the pub/nightclubs, and arranging holidays to Amsterdam!

I feel like at 11 if you have a task you want DC to do with you in place of other plans then you should talk to your DC in advance; ‘We need to sort your clothes out for upcoming holiday, I’m thinking Sunday afternoon so don’t make any other plans.’ That way it’s not on you to say know, your DC has already committed to your plan and so knows to say no if anybody else asks them to do something.

Incidentally, would you feel equally annoyed if DC had made plans with a friend instead of GPs?

I used to make plans with my dns at that age but I would always say check with your mum and then chat to their mum. My sil would always be thrilled to get a break so I knew I wasn’t overstepping. Just wanted to make sure dns were happy to hang out with us first.

I think asking for tea is ok and then dc should check with you. I would still have made them sort the clothes if that was the plan though, realistically I wouldn't expect dc to help with that for more than an hour.

If MiL had asked you first would you not still have felt like maybe you should put the dull task off?

Holiday is a bit different as it is a bigger thing (unless they have been away with grandparents before so they know you are happy with dc going on holiday)

The grandparents should definitely check with you first before making any suggestions to your DC, otherwise you end up being the bad guy if you need to say no. I’d make that an absolute rule to be followed 100%.

My 16yr old always checks with me before making any plans with friends although mainly because he’s relying on me to drive him there and back as we live rurally and DH doesn’t drive.

Set up a WhatsApp group for the four of you and tell them that it will be the way of communication between him and them and you can see what’s been discussed and planned and can you can tuen intervene in their plans if necessary

Is it mainly your mil driving this or mil and fil? I think your DH needs to tell them that it’s not ok, especially the holiday plans.

I think you need to take a bit of ownership of the phone.

Hi Gwen, it’s Sarah. Evie won’t be able to come over tonight because we have plans. Take care x

Every so often. To make it clear it’s parent moderated. You should be checking it regularly at that age anyway.

I think it is nice that they have the independent relationship.

I’d set up a family WhatsApp group, half way house between independent arrangements and checking with you.

MIL did this for a few years and natural consequences showed her she needed to come to me first. She'd have set up a sleepover with tickets to a show but because she didn't run it by me or DH, kids wouldn't go because we had previous plans, and MIL would be disappointed and out the cost of the tickets. I never got angry, just would say, "Oh, well, we have xyz today. You'll have to find another time."

She figured it out.

So you think a secondary school child shouldn't have their grandparents numbers in their phone? Or those of any of their friends!!?? That is a very odd take on things here, it's literally what a phone is for!

Yes, that'll work well. Not.

It's about safety for your DC too. No one should be planned Ng anything at this age with your DC.
No one should be encouraging sidelining you, you'll need to be fully part of decisions until DC is old enough for you to be sure he's safe.

My kids were more like 16 when they would say things like “I’m going to Tom’s house for a sleepover on Friday ” rather than ask if it’s ok if they went on a sleepover.
Holidays are more complicated as it’s longer and costs money but on some level your ILs must know that your dd is asking you before replying to them.

😂the kid’s 11, not 6! Perfectly normal and healthy for them to start to build their own independent relationship with GPs.

OP as others have said, you just need to get slightly more comfortable saying no when they run things past you. Sounds like everything else is fine.

I'd speak directly to the in-laws (or DH would) and tell them to stop organising stuff with the children without having run it past you first. Point out that the children could end up needlessly disappointed if you had to put a stop to something they had already got their hopes up over because you already had plans.

I'd say that in future if something hasn't been run by you first then the answer will be no for that reason.

Obviously you will increase your flexibility as your now 11 year old progresses through their teens, but for now you need to rein the in-laws in a bit more.

They should be checking with you first for big things like holidays i wouldnt be too fussed about being invited for tea. I'd keep it light but message GP's to say no problem with you contacting children independently but for things such as hols can they check with you first rather than get kids hopes up.when you might already hav plans