In laws didn’t mention my dead brother

They clearly cannot deal with emotion so try and avoid. They either haven’t experienced it and don’t know what to do or say. Or they are scared of something upsetting you or bringing something up for themselves. When your mother in law changed the subject it would have been a good moment for your dh to point it out and ask her why she did that. I’m sorry this is so hard op.

I'm so sorry you lost your brother. It must've been heartbreaking having to tell his children. Your in-laws' attitude is absolutely shocking. For me it would clarify how I would deal with them as they were older. After all, they wouldn't want someone who was beneath them to take care of them would they?

So sorry for your loss OP. They sound like my PIL. MIL is definitely the ring leader. Doesn’t like to acknowledge anything in our lives really. Positive or negative. All very odd. All about them. No matter how much we try with them. This will sound ridiculous but I think a lot of people are so unhappy in their own lives (but pretend they aren’t) that even the death of someone else doesn’t make them think how fortunate they are with just the little things in life. They are just self centred and emotionless when it comes to anything or anyone but them.

It's not always mistaken. I personally don't like to talk about sad things that have happened except to people I'm closest to, I really appreciate practical help when things are going badly, but I don't want to talk about things.

I think I'm in the minority, a PP said it was bad the in laws didn't attend the funeral. I wouldn't want or appreciate that. If someone brings up the topic themselves then I'll follow their lead.

The "Happy Christmas!" was really thoughtless though.

If they didn't mention it, I would've, OP and reminded them "Not particularly merry in the circumstances". Talk about it with them if you want to. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

Kindly, could you be looking for an outlet for your grief and directing it at them?

It’s possible they don’t know how to tackle the conversation and don’t want to upset you, rather than any lack of feeling. Could your DH mention how much you are grieving and see if that prompts anything from them?

So sorry.

Gently, OP, I see no indication that their lack of response indicates anything about them regarding your family as ‘beneath’ them, and I suspect that the reason you’re so fixated on this is because of your grief, and your understandable inability to understand other people’s disappointing, baffling, insensitive failures in relation to the bereaved. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve just seen too many similar failures from people who genuinely meant well, and had no such issues with the bereaved family.

I could have written your post OP. But about my mum's partner. Been with DH for nearly 25 years and when mums husband died, I never got a text or anything from any of the in laws. He was ill for a couple of weeks in hospital before he passed away. Nothing from any of them asking how he was, how my mum was.

It's damaged the relationship forever. It made me realise that they don't give a shit about my family. They think they're far superior and more important. I've kind of mentally detached. I don't show it on the outside, but I really have.

OP, I’ve been in a similar situation. My son was stillborn and my in-laws did a stellar job of just pretending he didn’t exist, that we weren’t sad, that life was normal. One year later, they forgot his birthday and when I tearfully reminded them, they said I was being dramatic. I’m like you, and struggle with confrontation, but something clicked and I ended up screaming at them and calling them inconsiderate, emotionally-stunted fuckwits. Not my finest hour. I’ll be honest, it didn’t massively help. They didn’t change - I don’t think they were capable - and they didn’t apologise properly. They’re also very religious and his Dad is clergy!

Later, my brother in law went through a different tragic event and I thought they might be better at supporting him (I know our stillbirth also happened to their son, but I think they always considered it something that happened to me because I birthed him) but it turns out they were just as shit with him. Genuinely completely emotionally incapable. I’ve no real advice but we’re 7 years on now, and I look back more with disgust and pity rather than hurt now.

Sending you so much love for your beautiful brother.

I’m sorry for your loss. I think I’d stop making any kind of effort with them at all.

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience when my dad died suddenly. However it wasn't my in-laws but my best friend. Yes I got the initial condolences when I broke the news but after that there was nothing from her. I was going through the hardest most darkest time of my life and my best friend did not once check in with how I was doing and that hurt. Needless to say I have now distanced myself from her.
Grief is a terrible thing to go through and you need the support of your closest people to help you through it.

I had an ex just the same. My sister lost her husband at a very young age, they lived a long distance from us. After he died I was upset naturally and I wanted to visit my sister to support her but my ex wouldn’t not allow that. I was told quite vehemently ‘he’s dead, get over it’. My in laws were of the same mind too so his attitude, although vile, was hardly surprising as it seemed to be bred into him.
I can relate in some way to how the OP feels but all I can say is rise above it and hold your memories of your brother in your heart no remain strong for your family.

It honestly feels like they don’t want my scummy brothers death spoiling their day when we all get together

Sorry for your loss

Do you feel there is a reason your in laws looked down on your brother? Are they those type of judgemental people?

Cannot understand why someone would remain married to someone like that.

The "dear" before husband is not appropriate in this case at all!

OP, if you did say something to your in laws what response would be acceptable? You may not get that response and feel worse. Or is ot more a case of getting it off your chest?

I'm sorry for your loss @Bob1980

I think your in laws have been incredibly insensitive and cold.

But I don't think it's your responsibility to talk to them about how hurt you feel by their lack of empathy and support, unless you want to. I think your husband should be doing it on your behalf - and I think he has been remiss in not already doing so without prompting. Does he lack sensitivity too?

If they are decent people, they will see where they have failed, even if they thought they were doing the right thing at the time. And make efforts to put things right between you.

Her FIL is a minister…. I mean… if ever there was a profession geared up for talking about death and providing comfort - it’s that one.

What would he expect from you in the same scenario?

I’m so sorry for your loss @Bob1980 - I can’t even imagine what you’re going through and how difficult it must be for you.

What does your DH say? Is he aware how you’re feeling with regards to your in laws/ his parents?

The one thing you can control in this awful journey of grief is how you look after yourself. I hope you’re getting help in some way to process and also doing things that bring you comfort. There are many books and podcasts (alongside therapy) that can support you and give you ideas what to do. Try and concentrate on yourself for now whilst you work out how you feel about a future relationship with your in laws.

Sending love x

I'm so sorry for your loss OP

DH was in hospital when my mother died, and for the subsequent funeral. Not once has he mentioned either. Some people struggle with such things but it feels uncaring at the very least.

I don’t like talking about death and grief so I’d prefer your in laws’ approach. This is probably why I’m still in denial. You have your husband and mum to talk to.

What do I say to them when we next meet up? I’m fed up of never standing up for myself, I’m sick of them thinking this is ok.

I wouldn’t say anything, just match their energy. Next time their Great Aunt Mildred dies, just send a card like they did and don’t go to the funeral.

Did your DH support you when your brother died? If yes, I would just support DH when he loses a relative, not his in laws.

Unfortunately some families are emotionally inept and unable to have a conversation about bereavement with someone. I’ve know people cross the road so they don’t need to talk to someone that has recently been bereaved.

I would suspect in this case it’s this rather than malicious, it’s the inability to be able know how to deal with the subject.

a very poor show and rather sad to say the least.

sometimes part of this is the inability to deal with their own mortality

im sorry for your lose op as this is such a tragedy to strike you and your family. 💐

I’m going to be honest with you - they don’t care.

Your grief isn’t even on their radar.
I think you need to get comfortable with this, and learn to care less on a few fronts.

Care less about how they are regarding your DB death. It doesn’t change how much you loved & cared for him, and it also won’t bring him back. I’d focus this energy on your own grieving.
Care less about whether they contributed to the charity. Those that loved and cared for your DB did, and that money will make a difference to the charity.
Care less about them and their lives. Don’t go out of your way & show up for them in a way they quite clearly aren’t willing to do for you. Support your DH as you always would, but draw the line there.
Otherwise this will eat you up for many years to come.