DH too strict with DC

his heart is in the right place and btw being the worse runner is absolutely horrible, and yes, if a little 1-1 training helps long term it's 100% worth while.
you actually sound a bit wet lettuce, blithefully unaware that some things do need a tiny bit of tough love.

To me it just seems like he cares a lot. He’s not forcing your children to do these things, is he? Or saying anything that might hurt their self esteem?

i think he sounds terrific.

The carrot works better than the stick.
Yanbu. He will lose out on the close trusting secure bond with his children.

I think you have to be blunt and tell him to back off, that it’s too much. It’s coming from the right place, but without his own experiences from/with his parents, he is struggling to know where to draw the line with encouragement or downplaying.

They might find him overwhelming and rebel against having to be good at everything. They might also be very self-motivated and keen to improve because they’ve had a message from their parent that they are capable, which isn’t the worst thing in the world. My DH was always told “it doesn’t matter,” and was never encouraged to improve on things he wasn’t good at and he resents it now and wishes he’d been “pushed” more. I’d say from this tiny snapshot that he sounds a bit too full on but you sound a bit too “oh well, it doesn’t matter,” so my hope would be that you’ll balance each other out perfectly for your kids!

Re spiders - you might want to tell him my story.
i had a normal mild fear of spiders. Until a teacher decided to “help” us get over it by teaching us lots of spider facts. All this did was teach me that there were actually dangerous spiders out there. So it went from an irrational fear to a pretty full on phobia - totally unnecessarily as I live in the UK.

Depends how intense he is with it and how he copes when/if they don't go along with it. He sounds very involved and thoughtful on the face of it but it depends on his approach and if he can also relax at other times.

I think he sounds lovely. He's trying to support them.

I think his way of helping with the fear of spiders is much better than just telling them it's nothing to be scared of (that's really dismissive and not helpful).

At 10, they should very much be able to do their own hair and he's trying to help her learn. I get that it's easier to just do it yourself but it's not actually teaching - she won't learn if you don't let her try.

Unless he's making the 6 year old run when they are really upset, it sounds like he wants to support them to improve because it is hard being last.

It really doesn't sound strict is sounds like he wants to help them, unless they don't want any help?

Oh and have a look online about phobias and anxiety. I haven’t had much success telling my daughter she shouldn’t worry about x y or z. That just means she is both worried and feels guilty about being worried. Worth possibly brainstorming some other ideas. I think I didn’t handle it particularly well when my daughter started to struggle with small things like this and it sometimes turned into something much more difficult.

This actually sounds really sweet (and exhausting). He’s so worried about not knowing how to do things properly because he raised himself.

i think these are mostly lovely but appreciate I don’t know what it’s like to be there

(your daughter should definitely be doing her own hair though. It doesn’t need to be perfect but unless there’s something specifically challenging for her, she needs to figure it out.)

I relate to this so much. I was not parented properly and come from a very toxic manipulative family.

I can do those things with my son. Not the strictness, I am not strict on screen time, etc. But I go research lots of things passionately and will try help with all issues on that way.

I love that there's a dad here who actually knows enough about things in his kids lives to do this. The spider thing - I love that. That's a level of interest I never had.

The downside is that it's potentially crossing into controlling territory. Controlling this may help himself feel in control of a life he never did feel control over ( his own). It's also massive over compensation, exactly what I do.

Therapy would be essential imo for any poor souls subject to boarding school.

If he can't accept their refusal to take his advice and guidance as they get older - that's a big problem and could suffocate them.

I would look at the bigger battles - that being strictness and where they might feel like they're in bootcamp. Would he ever be open to a conversation abound therapy if you brought it up in a loving way? Not couples therapy, not CBT bullshit, but a proper exploration of how he has grown as an adult because of his experience as a child.

Sounds like he's over correcting for how he was raised. Some of the examples sound ok, like trying to help dc learn more about spiders in the hope that they'll view them as less scary. But I think things like trying to improve your child's running can have the opposite effect and create an insecurity where there needn't be one. It's a good lesson for children to accept they're not great at everything and that that ok.

The main problem with solving all their 'problems' and trying to be a 'fixer' is that he's robbing them of the chance to navigate a lot of stuff by themselves and that actually hinders independence. Listening and encouraging them to think of ways out of their (for example) friendship issues, is more useful than getting overly involved and instructing them on what to do.

I do sympathise with him though, if he was forced into independence and had to rely on only himself from a young age, I can see how he could swing too much the other way in a bid to 'break the cycle'. Over correcting is very common and often comes from having good intentions. If he has therapy, is there any opportunity for you to join some sessions to discuss it?

Me neither

I honestly think all of that is fine. It doesn’t sound like he’s berating them or pushing them, just trying to think of fun ways to help them with their issues. Many parents wouldn’t bother but I don’t think doing so is a problem. He does need to watch that, for example, your younger daughter may never get good or even ok at running despite his efforts and if it got to the point where he couldn’t accept that, or it stopped being fun for her, then you have a problem.

I think his attitude to the spider phobia is better than yours tbh. I have had a lifelong fear of spiders and think it’s great actually that he’s actively trying methods to get him over it now. Anxiety is insidious and grows (in itself and spreads onto other things) and it is so important to teach children strategies to manage their anxiety (telling them not to worry about does nothing ime). Strategies should be taught asap before it “sets” and becomes much much much harder to change. I would be incredibly supportive of his efforts there tbh.

If the kids are happy I'd leave him to it.

I he sounds a loving and supportive parent BUT think the questions I would be asking is whether he offers his "support" as an option or whether he insists on it and what happens when the child doesn't want the support. I knew a parent who badlt mishandled their child's fear of spiders through insistence and the now adult child still hates spiders and resents the parent.

Or hasn’t found the right therapist.

Do any of them specialise in dysfunctional families ? Are they aware of how he is over compensating with his own children ?

If he isn’t aware of it himself then he won’t have thought to tell them.

Me neither. In fact I just read that he wants to help his kids as much as possible (so intention is good ) because maybe no one helped him.

Then I would leave it. In many ways he sounds like a very caring and involved dad, and making up for having parents who clearly weren’t.

He sounds like a great dad. Teaching his kids problem solving and resilience rather than babying them.
I particularly like the spider one - nip fears in the bud before they develop.
The running one - great too. He isn't training them to be the next Usain Bolt, but getting them to enjoy running. Junior park run is popular and great fun.
And sorry but no way would I want a fussy child under my roof (assuming no SN apply). He is right to do whatever he can to sort that out.

I don’t think he sounds strict - but I do think, while it is good now , he’s showing an over the top level of concern to normal things. His input and the fact he cares are wonderful. But it’s not proportional to the situation.

I do think this could be a problem actually and that he’s anxious/overcompensating and it will eventually rub off on the DC and they may think anything that they can’t do perfectly is a problem and that they are not good enough as they are.

I think he should have some sort of therapy to be honest.

He doesn’t sound strict, he sounds over invested. The spiders one is quite sweet, the running and the hair are ok as long as it’s done in fun , not linked to a failing and no pressure to achieve .

The food one he needs to be careful obsessing about food isn’t healthy and he doesn’t want to create issues further down the line.

Anyone who thinks he is over compensating because he was at a boarding school is crazy! I think he sounds lovely and hugely HUGELY involved in wanting to better his childrens fears and encourage them to do better and push themselves. Majority of dads wouldn't give two hoots about any of this