To say don’t push children - even ‘adult’ children?

It depends on the parents and it depends on the child. You can't "guide" a child to brush their teeth, you have to make them. If I'd not been pushed I wouldn't be where I am with career and house etc. However I was told that if I wanted to do Graphic Design B Tech rather than A-levels I'd have to move out and find somewhere else to live. Which at 16 was far too much "pushing". Its a fine line, and where that line depends on the individuals.

My parents didn't push me either, although they did offer advice, and I probably never reached my potential.

However, I don't blame that on my parents - I made the choices, and could easily have changed things at any stage. The only person to blame is myself.

To be fair OP, you could have stayed with that boyfriend and gone to uni locally and felt trapped and miserable and blamed your parents for not giving you better guidance.
Or gone to uni elsewhere and continued to see him behind their backs.

I'm sorry you have had a rough time mentally and that your mother was controlling but there's no point assuming the past would have been perfect in a different version of it. There's no way of knowing. Focus on now and the future, and building your autonomy and resilience.

I think it's your mother's abuse that caused your mental healthy troubles - not a reasonable suggestion of moving away for uni. I'd encourage my kids to do that.

I think it's important to have high expectations of them (as long as they are clear eyed and realistic).

You say your mother is abusive. But it also sounds like she can do no right no matter what and you can do no wrong.

This is interesting OP, I feel like my parents didn’t push me at all and I never reached my potential.

I wish my parents had pushed me more, definitely food for thought with my kids! Trying to get that balance right

What about the second paragraph?

Out of interest, was there a problem with your boyfriend? Was your mum, abusive or not, right to want you away from him?
I would personally say as a general thing that hanging onto a boyfriend from home during the uni years isn’t a great idea, even if he’s lovely. Good to make a new start elsewhere to fully enjoy the uni experience.
(Personal experience - I went to a fairly local uni to home (the only one I got into in the end) which meant I stuck with my teenage boyfriend. Who I ultimately married, which was a mistake. If I’d gone to uni miles away it would have died a natural death. Nothing to do with my parents though!)

I had the same. Not just the University, but the course I was to do as well. Then complained for years about how much it cost them to send me there and what a waste it was because I crashed and burned in a spectacular fashion.

My friends also blames her parents for her life choices

she is 40 years old and lives in her parents home with them still as single mum

It’s very easy to blame your parents when everything goes wrong. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I do think that, abuse aside, adults should stop blaming their parents for their woes.

Agree that the OP’s problems stem
more from her mother’s abuse.

I think most teenagers need a bit of a shove to move things along.
Really pushing them is another thing. I know 2 women who feel like they would have done better in school/uni if pushed, so they then pushed their children incredibly hard.
One wanted her DD to go to med school and pushed and pushed. She didn’t get a place (probably as heart not in it) started to do a related degree, within a few weeks had a breakdown from the pressure and dropped out.
A woman I went to school with told me she was going to push all her children to do well and they would have no choice. 4 children. First dropped out of uni, second finished and works in a kitchen, other 2 stopped going to school.

My DD is ASD, pushing is very counterproductive.

That’s not pushing you, though, that’s just being a shit.
I hope you’re OK now.

That's not really comparable to the OP's situation though? As you were allowed to choose for yourself, and make your own decisions
Bit different to being forced/controlled and not being able to do things for yourself.

I’d have thought it was the fact she was abusive previously, not just this one incident of pushing you, that is more likely to be the cause of your MH struggles.

I think sometimes children need to be pushed - not railroaded or bullied or not listened to, but encouraged in a particular direction. Some of them wouldn’t do much schoolwork, get a job or leave home without some pushing. I guess it depends what you mean by pushing though.

I'm not sure how developing a serious MH condition can be blamed upon your Mum pushing you to go to a further away university?!

Ahhh It all panned out fine in the end...
Mostly 😂

I agree with guiding (possibly strongly guiding!) But not forcing / pushing

You don’t know how life would have been if you’d stayed with the boyfriend.

YANBU

I did a uni course as an adult (mid 30s). My parents were very proud as hardly anyone in our family had gone to uni. It was a vocational course, so I was on placement. Doing 40 hour weeks and coursework/revision on top. I struggled with it and discovered that it was not the career I wanted to go into. I told my parents this and my dad threw his dinner across the room and said he was disgusted. I was told that "everyone hates their job" and I was to put up with it.
I tried but it was killing me. They never listened to me. No one did.
I ended up dangling off the top of a multi story carpark and brought my town centre to a standstill.

Yes and no. I certainly think adults should not push children to do things they don't want to do and have no aptitude for or shame them for doing things they passionately do want.

But adult support and guidance is actually pretty critical for making the right choices in that period of life, as are positive role models. I would probably have married my boyfriend from the age of 19 and dropped out of university and had two kids by my early 20s if my parents hadn't made me see that I'd have been completely wasting my life.

Children do need to learn a work ethic, drive and application to education (or work if that's what they are aiming for). If there's no push whatsoever and a completely laissez faire approach to goals it's hard for them to visualise what success looks like.