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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to holiday with this child

270 replies

Birdsting · 26/05/2025 19:03

We have a family holiday booked for next Easter, a city break that me DH and two teens and DS23 really looking forward to.

DS23 in relationship with older woman since last summer. Woman is v controlling and has a child of 9 with quite challenging SEN - physically no issues but nonverbal, runs around breaking stuff, food issues, generally very tiring though also a sweet kid. We’ve only spent a day with them before and we were all shattered afterwards.

DS partner and her child now want to come. DS doesn’t seem to see this is quite a big ask. Will stay in separate accommodation but expectation will be to spend days together.

None of us are keen. Will change the whole holiday IMO. AIBU?

OP posts:
soupyspoon · 26/05/2025 21:47

AthWat · 26/05/2025 21:19

Then she needs to stop expecting her adult son to go on "family" holidays.

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Hes invited, not expected. Go or dont go Im sure.

Crazyworldmum · 26/05/2025 21:45

I’m assuming if your son marries this women you will never want them as a part of anything in your family ? Because having a disability is not easy so you will cut out anyone that joins your family and has one ? I know this is not your grandchild but what if your son has a disabled child in the future , I’m assuming you won’t want part in his life ?

SALaw · 26/05/2025 21:44

I don’t see how you can make a decision one way or another about a holiday next Easter? It’s almost a year away. They could be living together, engaged, expecting a child or split up. Whether her and the child “should” come will surely depend upon that?

IMustDoMoreExercise · 26/05/2025 21:41

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 19:08

If the child didn't have SEN would it be different for you? That's a pretty ableist view if so

Well, you can go on holiday with the child then.

Sandy792 · 26/05/2025 21:35

I have a child with ASD and I've been on plenty of holidays without him! In fact he prefers it that way. Definitely not ableist not to include him.

If this child is autistic then there's every chance that he will hate the holiday and be miserable, a city break sounds particularly unsuitable.

BruFord · 26/05/2025 21:29

WeHaveTheRabbit · 26/05/2025 21:18

No, I wouldn't. But it doesn't sound as though the DS in this scenario is doing that either.

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@WeHaveTheRabbit That’s why I said that the OP should set out her expectations now so that her DS and his partner fully realize that the holiday activities won’t be changed to suit a child. They’ll have to sort that out themselves.

Bollihobs · 26/05/2025 21:26

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 19:08

If the child didn't have SEN would it be different for you? That's a pretty ableist view if so

Don't be ridiculous - if the child didn't have SEN it would be an entirely different scenario although OP may still, understandably, not want a child on a basically adult holiday.

Accommodating any sort of disability doesn't work by pretending it doesn't exist - it does and evaluating the impact on an already arranged, and therefore not necessarily appropriate, holiday is perfectly valid.

Readytohealnow · 26/05/2025 21:23

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 19:08

If the child didn't have SEN would it be different for you? That's a pretty ableist view if so

No it isn’t. It’s fact. If the child were able to fit in with the group and not spoil every activity and plan going (whether it’s his fault or not) it would be a totally different dynamic. The mother should have more foresight to not impose her son’s needs on a well earned holiday. She of all people will know that her kid’s presence would change EVERYTHING.

minnienono · 26/05/2025 21:22

I would say that as it’s a city break it’s not really the kind of holiday that the child will enjoy but instead you’ll arrange a more suitable holiday park type trip where there is child friendly accommodation and activities

BellissimoGecko · 26/05/2025 21:20

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 19:08

If the child didn't have SEN would it be different for you? That's a pretty ableist view if so

I don’t think that’s ableist; it’s realistic. Off the child right have SEN then they would be able to do different things. The child’s SEN would make a massive difference, especially on this type of holiday.

OneWittySquid · 26/05/2025 21:19

I puzzled why a grown 23 year who lives away and a partner who has a child wants to holiday with his parents.

AthWat · 26/05/2025 21:19

soupyspoon · 26/05/2025 21:03

And thats her sons choice. Might not be OPs choice to be around him though, why should it be?

If it is, great. If it isnt, also great. Its her choice. Athough as she said its not so much about his behaviour its because she doesnt want a child there.

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Then she needs to stop expecting her adult son to go on "family" holidays.

WeHaveTheRabbit · 26/05/2025 21:18

BruFord · 26/05/2025 21:13

@WeHaveTheRabbit You wouldn’t expect your parents to tailor their holiday to your DP’s child though-unless they’d specifically invited the child, of course.

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No, I wouldn't. But it doesn't sound as though the DS in this scenario is doing that either.

Coffeemat · 26/05/2025 21:16

Absolutely not.
Family only holiday so your husband and daucan chill out.
Wouldn't even consider it.

WhatDidIComeInThisRoomFor · 26/05/2025 21:16

Your DS is 23 and has a controlling partner, and is playing stepfather to a 9yo?

He needs to come on your holiday on his own and I suspect he is hoping you will provide him with the shield he needs to tell the partner that she and her child are not included. Blaming it on you will be easier than him saying no. The whole situation doesn’t sound great for him at all.

Pipsquiggle · 26/05/2025 21:15

ButteredRadish · 26/05/2025 21:02

YANBU to not want strangers on your holiday. YABVVVVVVVVU & ableist to hold such a negative view of a disabled child. You sound vile

@ButteredRadish errrrrr........ it's not about a 'disabled' child.
It's about not wanting a 'child' to go on an adult family holiday

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 26/05/2025 21:14

grapesandmelon · 26/05/2025 19:11

For next Easter? So they'll have been together nearly 2 years by that point? Yea, it'd be pretty shitty to exclude a partner of nearly 2 years. With a child with SEN, babysitting options are very limited so by excluding her child you would be excluding her.

Their holiday shouldn't revolve around her and her child though.

BruFord · 26/05/2025 21:13

WeHaveTheRabbit · 26/05/2025 21:10

You could certainly tell your DS that his partner and her child are not invited. Be prepared for him to decline the holiday as well in that case. I wouldn't go on holiday with my parents if my DP and DP's child were not welcome. It's up to you, of course.

@WeHaveTheRabbit You wouldn’t expect your parents to tailor their holiday to your DP’s child though-unless they’d specifically invited the child, of course.

BruFord · 26/05/2025 21:11

MayaPinion · 26/05/2025 20:28

You could just say, ‘Sure, but we’re not planning on doing child friendly activities while we’re there. We could meet up for a coffee or a walk on a few of the days?’

@MayaPinion Yes, that’s what I’d say. Plus I’d make it clear that you’re not going to be babysitting in the evenings so they can go out (unless you want to). This is your holiday, you’re organizing it to suit you and your teenagers. They can organize to suit themselves.

WeHaveTheRabbit · 26/05/2025 21:10

You could certainly tell your DS that his partner and her child are not invited. Be prepared for him to decline the holiday as well in that case. I wouldn't go on holiday with my parents if my DP and DP's child were not welcome. It's up to you, of course.

Koalafan · 26/05/2025 21:10

ButteredRadish · 26/05/2025 21:02

YANBU to not want strangers on your holiday. YABVVVVVVVVU & ableist to hold such a negative view of a disabled child. You sound vile

Eh?

ButItWasNotYourFaultButMine · 26/05/2025 21:04

Birdsting · 26/05/2025 19:25

Thanks everyone. I would feel the same if the child did not have SEN tbh. DS lives on the other side of the country and we’ve only met his partner a few times.

If it was just me I’d maybe suck it up but DH has had a hugely stressful time this year with workand DD has had MH issues she’s still working through, add to that the fact we have scrimped and saved for this holiday and it feels unfair that it’s suddenly been a bit hijacked.

We are past the kind of holiday that a 9 year old will want, SEN or not, and I don’t think it’s fair on any of us. I also think DS deep down would rather just have a holiday with his family, he has complained to us before about how controlling and jealous his partner can be. She didn’t come on our last holiday and spent the whole time texting and phoning him.

Say no then. Maybe you'll get lucky and she'll end it.

whistlesandbells · 26/05/2025 21:03

I am also totally lost as to why you are considering a holiday with a 23 yr old adult child who is in a relationship with a woman who has a 9 year old child. They barely know each other and you do not know the girlfriend or child at all. Your DS should be going on holiday with them and paying his way for that.

soupyspoon · 26/05/2025 21:03

AliBaliBee1234 · 26/05/2025 20:58

This child is in her son's life. How sad so many of you think like this

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And thats her sons choice. Might not be OPs choice to be around him though, why should it be?

If it is, great. If it isnt, also great. Its her choice. Athough as she said its not so much about his behaviour its because she doesnt want a child there.

ButteredRadish · 26/05/2025 21:02

YANBU to not want strangers on your holiday. YABVVVVVVVVU & ableist to hold such a negative view of a disabled child. You sound vile