To not want to holiday with this child

@Birdsting

Sounds as if there are ample reasons to decline to invite this woman and her child, not the least that your DS is unhappy with her. This may be exactly the thing he needs to truly end it with her; time and distance apart with support from his family in staying strong.

Interesting you say you 'don't want to make an enemy of her'. Do you mind if I ask why? I'm assuming because you don't want her to 'make things difficult' between you and your son, but are there other reasons?

Does he have somewhere to live if he breaks up with her (you said that he lives on the other side of the country)? If he wants to end the relationship, could you support him in finding accommodation, then he can move out and block her number.

I agree: he probably wants you to say ‘no’. So say no. It’s an adult holiday, not a kids and adults holiday. And tell him you are looking forward to it because you know how much he wants to visit.

I'd say, just continue with your plans and if they are not child friendly, hopefully she won't join in on days out and you can mostly do your own thing. Although it doesn't sound like a positive relationship for your son so hopefully they will have ended things before then!

Tricky.

The main thing is to support your Ds to feel strong enough to withstand her and leave her.

Can you talk to him about love and relationships needing to be based on healthy happiness, and you would love to be in holiday with him and his siblings because you love him. And ask how he would feel if his birth had been a result of a relationship in which one of you had been emotionally blackmailed?

Have you suggested to him that there is support out there e.g. the Freedom Programme?

You could clarify that it's a blood children only holiday. It's pretty normal.

In that case maybe he’s secretly hoping you’ll say no!

I'd simply say that this location and the activities you plan to do aren't suitable for a child, so it wouldn't really work, and that your DH and DD need a relaxing time.

Then suggest that you all try to find another time to have a short break in the UK that includes his GF and the child.

YANBU a City break is not much of a holiday for most 9 year olds. I do think it’s unusual to invite an adult son on a family holiday without his family (if he sees them as his family) though. Can you and DH not just go with your teenagers?

And who is paying? His GF obviously doesn’t like him being away.

I'd definitely say no - say it's not the sort of holiday that a young child would enjoy and you don't want to all do something just because he wants to do it. Tell him the sort of things you all want to do - he'll see that it's not feasible that the child comes. Hopefully by then his girlfriend will have gone away. She sounds really awful.

I think it's fair enough if you don't want her to come and it's up to your DS whether he comes on that basis. They haven't been together long so they might not even be together this time next year.

Not really. I have family members with SEN and I wouldn’t want to holiday with them as it would be hard work and not what a holiday is about for me.

How have you equated SEN with being picky and uncultured and also assuming the mum will drink heavily and they will be left to babysit? And most 9 year olds couldn’t give a shit about visiting galleries irrespective of being SEN, you sound so pompous it’s cringe 🤣🤣

This might be unpopular but it seems like you are still in the mind frame of ds being part of the nuclear family? Family holidays for 20 something 'kids'? They have their own lives/families/friends.....save big/milestone birthday events it's quite optional to have 'family' holidays with anyone over the age of 21 a bill paying adult Lots of families do this and make it work but it's not required (not the same as leaving a teen at home)and it's got to work for all.
Leave them out. If he wants an away from his family trip....his choice

This holiday is the least of your problems - you need to extricate your son from this relationship - seen what Mrs Macron did to her boy today? Older controlling woman with a problematic child? Bugger that for a game of soldiers. Help your son!

Why is her only 23 years old son already playing step dad to a 9 year old? That’s what I would be concerned about, not whether he’s still going on family holidays.

If the holiday is chosen and booked without having to take a disability into account, I don't think it's ableist. People might be able to make adjustments but it depends on the disability and the destination. If you knew in advance, you'd choose a holiday accordingly, surely?

Not really. I have a SEN stepchild and everything we do is high stress needs constant vigilance and is extremely unrelaxing. I wouldn’t expect anyone to see a week away with SEN child as a relaxing holiday honestly.

They will have broken up by then.

@Birdsting say no. It’s not appropriate

Can you talk about how it could work? Ie you are planning to do x,y and z. Y and z are unlikely to appeal to 9 year old. So in effect maybe you meet for (some) meals and some of the rest of the time but maybe not all of it?

City breaks are not child friendly really, unless you go and do all the child centrerld activities.
Have you actually spoken about what you will be doing, becuase I doubt very much it will be enjoyable for a child of 9 with SEN to do any of the things you plan to do.
Unless they do their own schedule, and meet you for little bits of it, or mother and son do some stuff separately. Maybe talk through your itinerary with your son and get him to think about it

OR............ @Crazyworldmum
If the GF and her son become an established, committed, long term relationship, there could be holidays completely centered around GF & her DS

On the basis that they will be in separate accommodation:

"Son, your siblings are getting older and keen to do more grown up things now. We are looking forward to adult activities on this holiday and don't want to change that to a holiday with child centered activities. We didn't mind doing that for years when you were young and enjoyed that then, but this year we are planning something different. You are welcome to come but just be aware that entertaining partner's child will be your and her responsibility. We won't be changing the planned activities or the holiday won't be what we planned it to be. Maybe in future we can do something more young family oriented, but this holiday isn't it."

At least then you get the holiday you want and have paid for and they know where they stand and what to expect for their holiday time.

She's still entitled to not want a child with SEN to come on holiday with her. It changes everything.