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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask for child maintenance and nursery costs

61 replies

Sparklenote · 26/05/2025 16:25

Seeking a sanity check please.

Ex recently left our family unit (another affair) and I now have a large mortgage and nursery fees to take care of. Mortgage is a separate issue (he’s refusing to also contribute anything there with no notice).

I have sole care of our toddler who he visits once a week with supervision due to safeguarding concerns - this is a private arrangement.

He thinks minimum CMS is fair and has added on an extra £100 to be ‘nice’.

I work four days a week and toddler is in nursery those four days. I am asking for half nursery costs on top of child maintenance which we always split 50/50 when living together. He can easily afford this plus his own rent with a lot left over. (I will be worse off as have the mortgage to bear but I do live in the house).

AIBU? Would you want more/less?
What about the joint mortgage?

OP posts:
Awestruck · 26/05/2025 17:28

Were you married? Are you divorcing?

Original poster
Sparklenote · 26/05/2025 16:57

Notsuchafattynow · 26/05/2025 16:56

What's his job OP? Can he afford for you to not pay it?

There are some jobs where mortgage defaults are frowned on. Maybe it's a card to play?

I would totally do this but there’s no way I’ll not pay as I have great credit, and he knows that 😒

OP posts:
Notsuchafattynow · 26/05/2025 16:56

What's his job OP? Can he afford for you to not pay it?

There are some jobs where mortgage defaults are frowned on. Maybe it's a card to play?

arethereanyleftatall · 26/05/2025 16:54

Well - he is liable for the mortgage too, so if you can’t pay it, you’ll both have whatever happens to credit ratings.
seems you need to sell it pdq.

yes, he’s being an arsehole not helping you in this interim. Lucky you’re getting divorced.

Ankther · 26/05/2025 16:48

Sparklenote · 26/05/2025 16:46

I understand legally that CMS is all I can get. I am hoping he will be reasonable and see that it’s his responsibility to pay for childcare for his child.

What I don’t get is this: it’s a joint mortgage and he’s upped and left leaving me with a mortgage that I wouldn’t be able to get on my own. That’s approx. £800 more that I need to find on my own now per month. Tell me how that’s fair!? Yes I have the house but I currently have no choice but to live in the house, plus he’s left me with all of the childcare.

No one’s saying it’s fair, but it’s reality.

Re the mortgage, it’s your joint legal responsibility. The bank doesn’t care how you split it between the two of you - or even whether both of you contribute - as long as it gets paid. If you fail to pay the mortgage, they’ll come after both of you.

If you can’t afford the mortgage alone, you need to sell asap. That’s just how it works unfortunately.

Original poster
Sparklenote · 26/05/2025 16:46

I understand legally that CMS is all I can get. I am hoping he will be reasonable and see that it’s his responsibility to pay for childcare for his child.

What I don’t get is this: it’s a joint mortgage and he’s upped and left leaving me with a mortgage that I wouldn’t be able to get on my own. That’s approx. £800 more that I need to find on my own now per month. Tell me how that’s fair!? Yes I have the house but I currently have no choice but to live in the house, plus he’s left me with all of the childcare.

OP posts:
Fuzzypinetree · 26/05/2025 16:35

In the UK, it seems to be that only CMS needs to be paid.
I'm abroad and I will be suing ex for the back pay of child maintenance (approx. 10k) once the divorce is going through and the house has been signed over to me... and he'll be liable for continued child maintenance (£800/month) plus half of the nursery costs (£200/month) and 50% of wraparound care for our older one (£100/month).
I don't understand why this isn't the same in the UK. After all, if the DC didn't go to nursery, the other parent wouldn't be able to work. Based on that, ex would be liable for spousal support here (I don't legally have to return to work until the little one is 3) but I'm the higher earner and the spousal support wouldn't be sufficient.
I've managed to keep everything going while relying on maternity pay for the past year, while he's been having a fun time with the OW and claiming poverty.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/05/2025 16:31

Is it a joint mortgage?
you may need to sell, share the equity, and move to a smaller property

pinksheetss · 26/05/2025 16:30

Is the CMS court ordered and calculated through the website? Or a private agreement you have come to?
ultimately anything you are entitled to would come through this and there’s no guarantee to get more. Is it unfair? Yes

there are some benefits single parents can get for childcare if you meet the threshold

Mrsttcno1 · 26/05/2025 16:28

You’re not unreasonable to ask for half the nursery fees, but he doesn’t have to say yes, legally all he has to do is pay CMS.

The mortgage though as you have sole use of the property you would pay 100%

Sendcrisis2025 · 26/05/2025 16:28

Legally he only has to pay the CMS amount. Anything else is at his discretion.

Morally, however..

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