To ask for child maintenance and nursery costs

These things take time though. If you have to go to court, could be 6-12 months.

Why can’t you sell the house and buy one in your own name? That way you can buy one within your budget?

I'm in this situation.

i claim UC and they pay back up to 85% of nursery fees which is a massive help.

He isn't paying part of the mortgage and has offer £100 over his child maintenence payment.
I don't see him miraculously paying nursery fees, mortgage or any more maintenance, especially if he has to have supervised contact with child

You need to put the house up for sale if you can't afford it.

People on here always say that the parent who has the child on those days is responsible for nursery costs. So if you get to the point where he has the child say 2 days a week, on those 2 days the nursery costs are his responsibility

I was in a similar boat, husband moved out and I was left paying the huge mortgage. Yes he is jointly liable but he would have happily let it default (as now lives with his Mum) and I didn’t want to impact my credit so had to pay the full amount alone. In the end, the bank reduced to interest only for 6 months (government mortgage charter, doesn’t impact your credit, might be worth looking into) and eventually we went to court, house was sold and split everything 50/50. He now doesn’t pay any CM as argued for joint custody of our 4 children but equally doesn’t pay 50% for clubs, trips, haircuts, phone bills etc for the children. Sigh.

Haven't rtft

He's a total shitbag.

Speak to mortgage company ASAP and get it moved to an interest only mortgage most / all lenders will do this.
Then you need to get it on the market ASAP and start looking for somewhere smaller

@Sparklenote sadly this is a time to put your financial head on and try and separate that from all the hurt and betrayal that he has caused you. Your priority is to secure a home and financial future for you and your child and unless you have a financial rabbit in a hat to pull out, there is no way he is going to be persuaded to continue to fund your joint mortgage over the long term, especially in a situation where you feel there are safeguarding concerns to the level that you will only allow him a once week supervised visit. The house needs to go on the market asap ,whether or not you can persuade him to give you more than 50:50 of the equity I don’t know but you don’t want to be dragged into debt by trying to service an unaffordable mortgage and then potentially lose the house and your credit rating. These are the really expensive years before they start school, a reasonable and decent parent might see it that they should pay 50 :50 of the cost of raising your child but again, this is a man who you don’t feel is safe around your child, how many men will pay when they don’t get equal access ?

Again unless you are willing to disclose whether you are married or just cohabiting then this thread it really pointless.

Nope not fair but you don’t have much leverage. I’ve been a lone parent for 15 years, absolutely no money from ex ever. The best advice I can give is for you to get super focused on your career to maximise your potential

What sort of salaries are you both on? And what are the outgoings? How much is he actually paying in CMS?

While you seem to think you have negotiating power on what is fair you unfortunately do not. It sounds shit to say it but he's already being generous on paying the extra £100 and could it could easily screw things up for you further if he decides not to.

If you can't afford the mortgage then you will need to get yourself on a mortgage holiday or interest only and sell the house and split it. If you weren't married this is actually easier as there's no debate on the split, it's just what it says on the titles.

I'm not pro dad's not paying their way, but the legal standpoint is the only one that actually matters in this situation. I can understand that you are probably feeling hurt and overwhelmed with it all though - I've been there myself so I really do get it.

The point is that it can't be both. NRP isn't expected to pay 50% plus maintenance. The reasonable start point is that both are responsible for 50% of costs and get 50% of time. OP needs to offer to give up time and maintenance, then her ex can decide if he does 50% nursery or something else on his own time. CMS is designed to be reasonable in affordably taking money, not in expenses, so it will rarely work out truly fair. Universal Credit assumes zero maintenance is received in any event, because nobody can be forced to parent.

If I am able to negotiate with him further I want to put something on the table that would be fair.

To him, morally fair would be the legally fair position as he’ll want to spend his money on his new life, future women etc (The deadbeat reasoning for this is because you are “keeping him away from his child” ) If you manage to negotiate what you consider morally fair then you risk him blindsiding you suddenly when he realises that you’ve “tricked” him financially.

Technically the most morally fair position is 50/50 custody and 50/50 on costs but based on the mortgage situation and the child protection angle, it can’t happen. I think it’s unfair that CM doesn’t include nursery fees but I’d look into UC first as it will be more reliable

I had it built into our consent order that he had to pay me a certain amount of child support each week plus go halves on all childcare when we were both working and half of all extra curriculas. He wasn’t happy about it at the time but now he’s used to it. I add up the costs for the month and send him a text and he transfers me the money.

This was 11 years ago and we gradually worked up to 50/50 so he doesn’t pay child support but continues to pay 50/50 of their costs (contacts, phones, lunch money, clubs etc).

Have you checked what benefits you are entitled to, especially re childcare.

Can you ask for a mortgage break for a while?

Are you married?

Can you sell the house and downsize (I know that will take time)

You need to be realistic about the prospect of keeping the house. If you can’t pay the mortgage alone and give ex his share of the equity then you need to sell the house. Whether you buy or go into rented is another question but I think it’s normal for humans not to want to pay for the mortgage on a house that they don’t live in.
How does half the mortgage compare to the CM amount ? If you want to keep the house at all costs then asking for half the mortgage instead of CM might be your only bargaining chip. Remember though that he could insist on you giving him 50% of the equity at any random moment and force you to sell legally. Selling means he can’t blindside you with a sudden demand for his equity and you aren’t increasing his share of the equity in the house. A financial clean slate is favoured rather than systems like Mesher Orders where you pay him 50% of the equity at a future date like the child turning 18 and paying the mortgage alone until then.
He only owes you CM so half of the nursery fees is extremely unlikely to happen. Have you looked into UC helping with the cost?

@mrsm43s I'd live to see the stats on where an NRP paying cms is subsidising an RP to the same degree that an RPs costs, including limited earning, limited pension contributions, inability to seek promotion etc due to childcare is subsidising an NRPs ability to do similar. Someone said the nursery costs should be borne by the RP as it allowed them to work...so should an NRP be paying childcare to the RP which is allowing them to work? 50/50 would be a perfect solution if only so many NRPs didn't refuse point blank to do it.

Morally, both parents should pay for half the costs of bringing up the child from earned income.

Legally, it's CMS only.

Since the current CMS system is linked into NRP's income rather than the actual costs of bringing up the child, in some cases CMS from the NRP covers their fair share and subsidises the RP, and in some cases CMS falls way short of half the costs of bringing up a child and the RP (or the state) are picking up the tab.

Regarding the house, morally I believe the person residing in the house should pay the full costs of the the mortgage, but really the house should be sold and the equity split so that both parties can move on with their lives. This almost certainly means a drop in living standards for both parties, but that's just what happens when assets from one household get split to provide for two separate households.

I think you're missing that you also have some payment responsibilities too,, for yourself and for your child. He doesn't need to pay off a mortgage for you to own a house; the previously shared property needs to be sold, with assets split. Both of you will be living in smaller homes than you could afford together, that's the reality of single life. You are responsible now for your own housing costs.

His payments are calculated with a view to paying for your mutual child's food, clothes and other expenses. You are paying nursery fees so that you can work, while you get a higher maintenance contribution for having the child more than 50% of the time. Now, it can feel unfair that his contribution doesn't pay for all the costs. If your child stays with him 50% then he would need to cover 50% of nursery fees but no maintenance, if that's what you'd prefer then you can ask him but you can't force someone to parent. CMS often doesn't add up to even a fair share of the expenses of the child, which is crap, but there isn't a get-out clause to make life fair unfortunately.

Unfortunately there's not a court in the land who cares whose fault the relationship breakdown is, neither do CMS.

You're not unreasonable to ask but I highly suspect you'll get it, unless you want to go to court and battle this out.

Normally, if it's 'your' day then it's up to you to sort childcare.

This

You can ask, but I’m not expecting him to say yes.

Yes I agree, the op hasn’t disclosed if they are married or were only cohabiting . A joint mortgage is a joint debt until the situation is financially resolved but how the op chooses to play this may depend on whether she is married and whether there are any other joint assets/ savings/ pensions or not. Staying in a house you can’t afford isn’t financially viable. We all know that women being left in the lurch with young kids isn’t fair but it’s why having a financial plan/ agreement in place before you ever have children is crucial.