16-year DD not being supportive

YANBU

Of course teenagers can be selfish and only do what they want to do most of the time, but I think she is being heartless.

Sometimes they need to step up and think about others.

So sorry for your loss 💐

Wtf? I really don’t get this and others on the thread talking about emotional crutches. If my mum had had a bereavement I would have wanted to keep her company on a shopping trip, and asking for that is hardly turning the child into a “crutch” or being abusive.

At 16 a kid is nearing adulthood, and should have some empathy for a close family member. Posters on this thread are acting like teenagers somehow have a get out of jail free card from family life, or as if being asked to do something quite minor with your mum is emotional abuse. Absolutely infantilising and ridiculous! And also seem to be projecting whatever authority issues they have onto the OP.

@EisMCsquare Yanbu. Some teenagers can be little shits though and not mature until a bit later than would be ideal. But I would be sad in your place too.

My sympathies for your loss.

I think you are being unreasonable expecting your 16 year old to be emotionally supportive of you and you need to look elsewhere for comfort. She also has had a loss and she just might not have the emotional capacity to be anyone's support right now.

Sorry about your dad OP 💐
I am afraid some teens can be ridiculously selfish and unreliable. Do you have other support around you?

Hope you pick up a bit soon.

Just wow at these replies. I thank god that my boys have empathy and compassion. Being 16 isnt an excuse for not supporting her mother.

OP, im so so sorry for your loss, i hope you have a family/friend network that can help and support x

I'm shocked at some of these replies. Op YANBU she is 16, not 6. She is old enough to understand you would like some support. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Sorry about your Dad. But you can't make your daughter go alone with you. She's presumably doing GCSE's, lost her grandad and on half term. My teens would never come shopping with me, even at the best of times. I do everything alone.

Firstly sorry for your loss. Secondly YABU. Whilst she sounds very lazy being asleep at 2pm. It is not her job to emotionally support you. As a friend to support you during this time.

she has been always quite selfish and sometimes very rude.

I can understand you want her to behave more compassionately towards you but given that this is normal behaviour, YABU to expect her to be different.

@viques

The daughter hasn't said she is upset about her grandfathers death. She has said she can't be assed.

@CopperWhite

The OP has just lost her dad and you are calling her self centred?

Talking about a lack of compassion, aren’t we discussing a 16 year old who has just lost her grandad?

She’s 16. That’s what 16 year olds do. They eat and they sleep and they spend as little time with their parents as possible and they truly believe that the world revolves entirely around them.

If you need her to help you carry bags etc, then go upstairs, tell her you don’t care whether or not she can or can’t be arsed, she needs to pull her weight and come and help you. That would be fair enough. But if you’re wanting emotional support from her, then I think you’re looking in the wrong place. It would be lovely if she had the emotional sensitivity to do that, but your average 16 yr old generally doesn’t. You’re on a hiding to nothing that is only going to result in both of you being frustrated with the other. You need support from another adult.

Can't believe these replies. OP is just asking her daughter to come shopping not be a counsellor.

All those saying teenagers lack compassion. Well how will they ever develop it if nothing is expected of them?

So sorry for your loss OP. Even after a long illness it's still a shock and very sad when someone passes away.

However, YABU. It is 100% not your DDs job to provide you with emotional support. It is extremely unfair of you to ask or expect her to. Of course you can wish she would and it would be lovely if she did, but you are her mum - she is not yours.

Look up parentification. Perhaps you experienced this as a child and it's now why you expect the same from your own child.

Is she doing her GSCEs now?

She’s too young for you to put the responsibility of emotional support person on her.

Your daughter is not cold hearted or selfish, she’s being a normal teenager. It’s you that sounds self centred tbh.

is she worried you might get upset when you’re out?

it’s not nice of her to say she will go and then change her mind, but it can be very hard on kids when they see their parents upset, and she might prefer not to see it

Really sorry for your loss OP. It’s so hard to lose someone you love.
Sixteen year olds can be horribly selfish. I’m sure she’ll be kinder to her mum as she matures and starts to see you as a real person with feelings.

She is a 16 year old whose grandad has just died - is she gcse yesr or not?

YANBU. 16’s a selfish age, I was selfish at 16, but in hindsight I think my parents should not have tolerated as much as they did. Obviously it wouldn’t be right for OP to lean too heavily on her teen DD, but requesting a bit of company when grieving is hardly treating her as a ‘crutch’ as a pp claimed. 16’s old enough to start learning empathy/compassion and basic consideration for others, and that the world doesn’t revolve around one’s own whims.

It may be that as well as not wanting to go out with you she is feeling unconscious pressure and also pressures to look after your sadness

of course she would go with her friends - that’s what happens at her age - peers become very important - it’s just a stage

you need to look after your own self in this, it’s not her job

Sorry for your loss OP. Pp comments have been quite unkind.

YANBU to expect your daughter to show some compassion during this difficult time. However, it sounds like she's been indulged over the years and doesn't respect you as much as she should.

Do you issue consequences when she is rude or selfish?

More importantly - is there anyone else you can talk to during this time, who can give you the emotional support that you need?

Hope you're ok.