16-year DD not being supportive

I think it's not unreasonable to expect a bit of empathy for a 16 year old. But I think people are picking up on something just a bit off in the ops post and the way she talks about her daughter.

It could be that the op is just genuinely in the throes of grief, can't really see beyond this to remember what's normal in a 16 year old who may be grieving too, or even if not close to the grandfather herself, a bit unsettled by the death and by her mothers emotional needs. It could be that as a result of her grief she's describing her daughter in a rather negative way that she wouldn't otherwise, and is a bit blind to why her daughter is behaving this way.

Or, it could be that too often she leans on her daughter for emotional support and to have her emotional needs met and the girl is trying to avoid being overloaded by her mum's neediness. We can't say. But my money's on the latter and this just the latest manifestation of it.

Counselling or psychotherapy for your grief op is often very helpful and can be short term, unless it uncovers a whole load of other issues.

I agree; how do you learn to do anything walk/talk/drive a car/bake a cake without trying?
If 16 is too young to treat your mum with kindness what age is appropriate, 20/30/40?
For reference my dd’s were in their teens when my mum died and they sat with me, cuddled me and kept trying to make me cups of tea. One of them is autistic but has still ‘learned’ what to do when someone is upset, even if she has to ask ‘are you upset?’.

but she does not even seem upset or at least OP has not expressed so. i do realise not everyone is an open crier

Not everyone is a crier or openly upset. Grief is so personal, I certainly wouldn’t pass judgement on how a child deals with it.

Is dd grieving for her granda, were they close? Her saying she cba could be teen speak for I've lost someone I love and I'm dealing with it by staying in my bed right now. People grieve in different ways.

so sorry for your loss op at 16 you really should be able to expect more support from your dd

i am more shocked that this 16 year old seems to be completely emotionally unaffected by her grandfather’s death. my own grandfather father died at that age. he lived far away so i only saw him maybe once a year.

i was still upset and crying when he did pass away because i am not some cold blooded person.

She's 16 and probably struggling with seeing her mum grieve (as well as grieving herself presumably?). That's a lot to cope with.

I'm really sorry for your loss but your daughter isn't the right person to look for support from. Let her handle this in her own way and look to friends or your partner for comfort

Borderline abusive? Calm down!

I think that remark was about going shopping. I can’t see that the OP has actually mentioned the child’s response to the grandfathers death.

I would also point out that this is quite likely to have been the first time the child has been exposed to the death of someone close to her. She is 16, possibly doesn’t have either the emotional or physical vocabulary to express how she is feeling. It takes a long time to come to terms with how a death affects you. I dare say that for some children, and some adults, taking to your bed is a comforting way of dealing with grief.

OMG! The first answers must be the same people who don't open the front door. Very strange phenomenon only found on Mumsnet. I would go in and tell her she is coming. You have asked for help and you don't want to go on your own. I'm sure you do thousands of things to improve her life every day. Family should support each other. Helping you this one time would mean a lot.

That’s good to read, and that’s how it should be. I would expect my DS to help with the shopping in this situation, because I put myself out to give him lifts etc. I teach mine that families should help each other and pull together. There are far too many excuses being made here for selfish, lazy behaviour.

What is your DD still doing in bed at two o’clock? I’d have a problem with that.

If she “cba” to come shopping with you, I think there might be one or two things that you “cba” to do when it’s her wanting you to put yourself out on her behalf.

I lost my dad at 17. It’s not an excuse to behave like an arsehole. I”m really sorry for your loss OP.

She may be struggling with the death of her grandfather too. We words might not match her state of mind. I think for now you give her the benefit of the doubt and be kind. She is only 16. Is there someone else who could give you the company and support that you need.

I'm so sorry for your loss but you shouldn't depend on your daughter to make you feel better.

I am a very kind compassionate person. Normal happy childhood. Not spoiled or overindulged.

However I absolutely cringe when I remember my behaviour when my elderly grandma died - I was 14 or 15. Whilst I was upset, she didn’t live close by and we didn’t have a close relationship. However, I was upset that the funeral was on a day I usually went to a youth club which was the absolute highlight of my week. I remember asking if we would be home in time from the funeral for me to go and being disappointed when we wouldn’t.

With my adult maturity I think it’s shocking behaviour on my part to even ask and don’t really understand it. I lost my mum when I was in my 20’s so we never discussed it & I didn’t get chance to apologise. I expect my mum had some thoughts about me that day but never showed it.

sorry for your loss. Just to say, yes in an ideal world she should show compassion and I can understand your disappointment. However it’s also a tricky age and not a sign of your DD compassion for the future.

I’m sorry for your loss OP - but I disagree with you slightly here. I’ve got a DS17 and in your shoes I would judge him if he behaved like this. I would also remind him very firmly next time he wants a lift etc that he couldn’t be bothered to help me, and he’d be walking or on the bus. I believe very firmly in challenging lazy selfish teens and delivering consequences, and you would not be wrong to do so with your DD.

One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was deal with a parents grief when I was a teenager, it absolutely paralysed me and freaked me out. Give her a break, she has just lost her grandad. I imagine she is being rude cause she doesn't have the tools to explain why this is so hard.

If you want to spend time together maybe you could watch some trashy tv under a blanket with some ice cream instead to comfort you both.

You’ve just lost your dad, it’s not surprising your emotions are all over the place.

It's normal for teenagers to be selfish what is not normal is for a mother to emotionally guilt her into to doing something.

Exactly this.
I am sorry for your loss though OP.

YABU. She’s your child. It isn’t her role to take you shopping because you’re feeling sad. I’m sorry for your loss, but your teenager isn’t responsible for managing your grief for you.

You call her selfish and rude, which suggests the two of you don’t have a good relationship anyway - you don’t give the impression that you like her very much. That’s fair enough, some teens aren’t very likeable - but it’s unreasonable to then expect her to be your emotional support and to expect emotional support to take the specific form of a shopping trip with you.

My son has given us lots of hassle, no angel by any stretch of the imagination (now 18) but has stepped up in situations like this in a heartbeat. He always has my back when push comes to shove. Unfortunately every kid/adult is different 🤷‍♀️