16-year DD not being supportive

she has been always quite selfish and sometimes very rude.

”cold hearted”

who needs enemies when you have a mother who views you like this

My DC were certainly capable of showing compassion in their teens. But had I demanded it that would have backfired. As others have said, it's not a parent's job to lean on their kids for emotional support - if they give it, that's lovely, but you simply cannot ask them for it.

And while I think it's fine to expect a teenager to pull their weight by helping with the shopping, once you phrase it as 'because I'm lonely and upset', you've moved into a whole new territory and probably made them uncomfortable. As a teenager I hated it if my mum expressed any emotional needs - that wasn't her job, as far as I was concerned. Selfish and immature of me? Definitely. But not an abnormal reaction for a teenager.

I'm very sorry about your dad, OP. But wait for your daughter to show support, rather than ask her for it, and you might be pleasantly surprised.

Is she not doing her GCSEs OP?

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Is your DD usually quite considerate, helpful etc and this is out of character? Or is this standard behaviour for her to sleep in and not want to do family activities?

I agree with those who say it's difficult for teens to see parents grieving and upset, and they can express their feelings by avoiding or being resistant. Teens also can't be expected to respond to a bereavement like an adult, or know what the adults around them need.

Rather than framing it as DD not supporting you when you're grieving, I would approach it as being about not keeping a commitment she's made. Keeping your word to others and not letting people down is an important adult life skill to learn - you can't just not turn up to work because you fancy a lie in, for example.

I am sorry about your dad and of course your daughter is bereaved too. You will both be experiencing an emotional roller coaster but I do not think it is unreasonable to expect her to come and keep you company on a shopping trip. It could have been a way of comforting each other. Maybe cut each other a bit of slack though and try and take things hour to hour as it is very early days of grieving.

and at what age would it no longer be acceptable to be rude and obnoxious? even as a teen they deserve to know that it is not appropriate to behave a certain way

I cannot believe all the excuses everyone is making for the OPs daughter. Sorry, whilst there might be underlying reasons, she is selfish and should be thinking about her Mum and being supportive. Saying she cannot be arsed is not ok. The OP is not being unreasonable at all.

2pm?? She should be up and out regardless of what is going on.

I'd expect my dc to come shopping with me whenever I asked so yanbu. Tell her it's disgusting to fester in bed all day and she can either go shopping or do some chores, her choice.

Shock horror 16 year old doesn’t choose the kindest words or know how to verbalise her emotions well 🤣

Fuck me, some of these replies have me shaking my head! The OP is asking for a bit of company after her dad died, she's not asking her 16-year old to run a marathon or wallpaper the whole house single-handedly or even be an emotional crutch. Yes, teenagers can be selfish but to refuse her grieving mother some company because she can't be arsed going shopping with her is shocking. I have a 17-year old DD. She was 15 when my dad died and she had more compassion for me than some MN posters seem to have for the OP.

@EisMCsquare Losing a parent is horrendous. I'm very sorry indeed for your loss.

She will look back at this in 30 years time and CRINGE.

I don't read anything into your post about you expecting her to be your emotional crutch as some other posters have said or implied.

She is someone you love and it makes sense that you would prefer her company to being alone at the moment. You didn't ask her for a long chat, but rather just to join you on a shopping trip. That is not abnormal or asking too much.

I don't think it's appropriate for her to still be in bed at 2 in the afternoon in general. If she told you she would come, it's very selfish of her to then say that she won't.

You are not being unreasonable for expecting her to behave with more compassion, kindness, and integrity. That's the kind of person you want to raise.

Some of these replies are unbelievable. She's 16, almost a woman, and part of the OP's family. Of course she should show some empathy and support. She's behaving very badly, OP. If you can't bring yourself to talk to her about it, then it shows you're not used to prioritising yourself. Ask another family member for help with it - I find it shocking she's refused and especially bad that she spoke like that to you when you're grieving.

I lost a grandparent at 16. Seeing my mum and younger siblings grieving was really hard. I was also grieving myself but didn't feel I could talk to my family about it because they were also upset and I just didn't know what to say. I found it very hard to communicate my emotions or show empathy at that age.
I say that as your daughter could be really struggling herself. It's not fair for you to expect her to support you emotionally, you are the adult and the parent in this situation so you should be the one providing emotional support to your child.

I have a 16 year old who is capable of empathy and compassion, I would think it was very odd if he wasn't! And zero chance would he be allowed to slob in bed until 2pm. He was up at 9:30 this morning, he helped me make a cooked breakfast, and then helped his dad clear out the attic.
Even if this girl is upset about her grandad, she could spend some time with her mum, grief can be a shared thing. Sounds like she's being selfish, "can't be arsed" wtf?!

OP I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry your dd is being like this.

Is she currently on half term before her final 3 weeks of GCSE’s? I ask because my 16 year is. He is happy today and made lunch but last week he was feeling the pressure so I wouldn’t have asked him for anything.
If your daughter is doing GCSE’s I don’t think she is the person you can get support from. Hopefully there is someone else you can talk to.

I'm sorry for your loss @EisMCsquare, it can be so tough losing a parent.

But YABU. Your daughter has lost her grandad, maybe she hs having a tough time too. Go and do what you need to do, and cut her some slack.

As much as teenagers can be a pain in the arse, navigating those years can be tough for them. They often don't have the capacity to support their parents emotionally, and they really shouldn't have to.

My empathy was lost when it was said to be at 2pm. If it had been 9am I might have been sympathetic to the DD, but not in the early afternoon.

This, exactly. 16 is definitely old enough to know right from wrong and being expected to behave politely.

I find it wild that so many posters are complete excusing the daughter from any sort of kind or considerate behaviour. What sort of entitled, selfish brats are they raising?

Sure, I was pretty self-centered as a teen, but I still knew what was or wasn't acceptable behaviour towards my parents. It would never have dawned on me to be so rude, mainly because I knew how much my parents did for me and I understood that I couldn't just insult them without consequences.

When I was 15 my mum had a serious accident and needed a lot of support. Of course my dad stepped up and did most of the cooking and looking after us all etc but it was also made clear that I had to do my part as well.

Oh-so-astonishingly, even as a teen, I was capable of being kind to my mum and occasionally making dinner or bringing her cups of tea. Who knew that teens raised right can actually be reasonable human beings when necessary.

Blimey, I’m surprised how little some people seem to expect of their teens. Sixteen is not too young to have some empathy for someone you love, surely? I can’t imagine any of my DDs behaving like this at that age

I didn't cry when my dad died. It doesn't mean I wasn't grieving and miserable. I had a lot to juggle so just got on with things.

if she is struggling to get out due to grief there are kinder ways to say it then cba “i am really sorry i just feel a bit too upset to go out” or “can i just be on my own” are valid options

You are right, the OP hasn’t expressed anything about her child’s response. The OP is at the moment more concerned with her own needs and feelings, which is understandable, she has lost her dad, but reading her posts her expectations of support do seem to be about receiving , not giving. Though of course, peoples posts don’t tell the whole story. We have to fill in the gaps ourselves and we don’t always get it right.

I’m sorry for your loss 🌷

I do think calling a teenager cold hearted for not going to the shops a bit much though!

She can’t be arsed getting out of bed, sleeping until 2pm, doesn’t want to face her mum…. Seems like an upset teen to me.