16-year DD not being supportive

Exactly! As if teenagers known to be great communicators with their parents at the best of times

Yeah, that’s not always how grief works.

What, did you stay in bed all day and say you cba to go shopping? Maybe she had a point <not the little bitches comment that isn't ok but selfish?>

DD has just lost her grandfather, maybe she’s sad too and just wants to stay in bed to cope, rather than go out shopping and having to face the world.

OP youre hurting but you’re not being fair. We cope in different ways.

It seems this behaviour is typical of her, so I don't think this situation would suddenly make her compassionate.

If my 16 yo son had agreed to do something then didn't wake up in time and told me he couldn't be arsed (twice), I'd be very upset and have words with him.

Did she have a good relationship with her Granddad ie is she also grieving?
If so you could have framed the trip out as something you would both benefit from - fresh air, change of scenery, being together.

Do you think she feels she needs to support you emotionally a lot and because this one is a biggy she's drawn a line?

I was younger when I lost my Grandmother, but remember feeling more unsettled by my mother's grief rather than my own. Do you think she might be feeling that?

My mother used to speak like this about me when I was 16.

no suprise that all three of her grown up daughters are now either no contact, or minimal contact. And we are still selfish, spiteful, ‘little bitches’.

6 and 10 are very different ages to 16, though. I’m sorry for your losses but it’s not really comparable.

This is why teenagers and so many adults today are utter shit bags because these are the pathetic excuses made for them.

that is a grandparent that has passed away. A 16yo is fully old enough and capable to have empathy. What a selfish and disgusting attitude she has. I would be sure to treat her the exact same way OP. This is unacceptable. My 9yo is so hugely compassionate and I would be so upset and ashamed to have a 16yo behave this way.

what utter nonsense that she’s not a crutch, or op needs a friend for this. Hopefully when she gets dumped and she has no one to turn to then she will realise how awful she is.

You don't need to indulge but meet them where they are at. If it's company you want, for you're own sake, you need to indulge to help them feel a little safer in the request. If it's teaching them a lesson about kindness and helping others, find a situation a little less close to home (literally).

A 16 year old might find adult emotions very difficult to deal with. Helping a peer is different, but a proper adult - especially a parent, having emotions and emotional needs, needing support, might be confusing and disconcerting for her, like the world turned upside down. The more so if her grandfather has died recently. Her "I can't be bothered" could well be teenager speak for "I don't know how to manage the demands of this situation". And yes it is selfish, but she's bloody 16. It comes with the territory.

Some of these replies are insane, just because teenagers tend to be selfish doesn’t mean we should indulge. Expecting a teenager to help with some shopping like she said she would isn’t parentification.

My DD is lovely but it’s also like this. She won’t lift a finger to help with anything, but if I invite her for a day out and pay for everything she’ll happily come.

I don’t know if it’s a phase, an age thing, an only child thing… but I’ve stopped planning and financing days out the way I used to because of this attitude.

No wonder so many young people are selfish.

what a bizarre extrapolation to have made from this thread

this 16 year old
and this mother / daughter relations has no similarities to my dd and my relationship with her

Because you have a good healthy loving relationship with your children, that has developed over many many years

this is clearly not a similar relationship

No wonder so many young people are selfish.
Of course your 16 year old is old enough to have a bit of compassion and kindness towards you.

I am so sorry for your loss.
She has form you say?
Time to match her energy I think.

As long as behaving like a selfish arse has no consequences, then she has no reason to re evaluate how she behaves towards others.

No way would my children behave like this and they too can be selfish at times.

This won’t be a one off
this will be a chequered mother / daughter relationship with a history of drama
I’m guessing the OP has had to endure a lot of school associated shit
This is simply the by product of years of poor behaviour, no idea with blame being shared

Some of these replies are awful. I have teenage children and they would have come without a second thought. I’d be upset if they were lacking in empathy for this situation. They aren’t 5. Don’t think either of my children have ever said they can’t be arsed. I don’t recall ever being like that with my parents growing up either.

I'm always shocked at the low expectations that MN have for teenagers. She's 16! She understands what's occurred, the emotional support that family members offer each other and how she can support her mother. It's ridiculous to suggest that she's an emotional crutch. She's almost an adult and a member of a family. Love, support, empathy and kindness are basic qualities and core parts of being a family. I don't understand how MN expects families to function or how teenagers can be expected to grow into capable adults when kindness and empathy are not expected of them.

Her behaviour is terrible OP. I'm so sorry for your loss and that your daughter has let you down today. I would be having a conversation with her later about how hurt you were. She needs to learn from this experience.

Firstly, I am so sorry you have lost your Dad. 🌹

Secondly, yes she is 16 and yes this is what 16 year olds do. They can be moody, self centered and lazy. She is just showing normal teenage behaviour saying that she can't be arsed and refusing to go.

And while I agree that its not her job to be your emotional crutch, I also think it wouldn't have hurt her to show you some compassion and do something to support you and that you needed from her in that moment. So I do understand why you feel a little upset and hurt.

I can’t believe some of these comments.

I’m so sorry for your lost OP. Your daughter is being a cow, as teenagers often are. It isn’t good enough, but won’t be a full reflection on her or your parenting. Teenagers are just pricks at times.

I hope you find someone to go with, and maybe get her dad or somebody else to give her a kick up the arse.

Well if she is being in bed all day won't be helping with revision.

Why is she in bed at 2pm?

There are two things in play which slightly contradict one another.

You should not treat DD as a peer by leaning on her for emotional support.

But also

DD is 16 and should have developed rudimentary empathy by now - eg understand the idea of grief and want to at least go through the motions of offering someone who is very recently bereaved some care.

I'm sorry about your loss.
I behaved very similar at your dd age and I cringe and I am embarrassed by how selfish I was.
However after working with teenagers for years and learning about the adolescent brain, your dd is quite a typical teenager. Obviously not all teens are like this but it is not that unusual.
She will likely grow out of this trait if all the nurturing has been put in place by you and your family.she will likely to follow your values as she goes into adulthood in the next few years.

My child was 6 when my dad died and 10 when my mum died. At age 10 they cuddled me and used to hold my hand and say "oh my poor mummy, you are an orphan now" . I did not prompt them to comfort me as one of my biggest concerns was supporting them as they were especially close to my mum. In fact I put some of my grief on the back burner because my child was so upset.