16-year DD not being supportive

This OP. The only thing wrong with your DD is that she is unfortunately a teenager. They are usually selfish . I’m so sorry for your loss xxx

Company isn't an 'emotional crutch'. Spending time together shouldn't be the big drama some of you are making it out to be.
She should have got her arse out of bed.

I thought that though understand how you feel, op. Sixteen is an age when most are self centred, particularly when it comes to family. They outgrow it.

I hope all goes smoothly at this difficult time. I am sorry.

Teenagers often don’t say what they actually feel. She’s lost a grandparent, she maybe doesn’t wasn’t to talk about that, or thinks her mum doesn’t want to talk about that because she’s lost her dad. It does seem like she wants an emotional crutch.

And grief isn’t just about crying your eyes out.
It can be withdrawing from the world. It can be being angry. It can be just about coping on your own but not being able to also face the pain your mother feels.

The OP wanted company abd a ‘nice time either way her dd’. She wanted support by asking her dd to keep her mind away from grief by ‘having a nice time’.
Why should the dd be ready and able to do that for the mum when the OP isn’t able to do that herself or for her dd?

Double standar all the way asking a teenager to do something an adult can’t do themselves.

I'm sure she is upset about losing her dgf, the op was asking her to pop to the shops with her not run a marathon.
When we lose someone it is nice to lean on each other for comfort not stay in bed all day.

Sorry for your loss. There would be a long list of things I couldn’t be arsed doing for my DD if she spoke to me like this.

Why?
You think she isn’t grieving herself the lost if her own grandfather?
You think she didn’t feel the tension and the uncertainty when her grandfather in the months before his death?
You think she is so self centered that all that never registered with her?

Wow… Just Wow

You can’t ask for anything from teenagers Op @EisMCsquare literally not a single thing otherwise it’s bad parenting

What’s missing in the OP’s post is the dd’s grief. This teen has just lost HER GRANDFATHER. Probably the first time she is dealing with death of a close one as a near adult.

But somehow the fa t her dd is probably devastated too just doesn’t appear at all in the OP. Not in most if posters answer. It’s like either she us a teen so can’t be grieving or a grand dad isn’t seen as important.
And yet she’s ALSO been living through the last few months of uncertainty etc…

I’m 😲😲 at the fact no one seem to give a shit about the dd and her grief tbh.

I was that teen. I was the one who was told to stop ‘because you can see how upset your mum is’. The fact the OP is framing what I see is a grief behaviour (wanting to escape her grief and sleep) and putting her needs wo a second thought first her dd’s needs makes me very uneasy tbh.

16 still is very young for understanding grief. She's not had the life experience to support someone through loss.

CBA can be used to cover her feelings of not wanting to get out of bed because she’s upset and sad, which is maybe something she doesn’t feeling comfortable with expressing to her mother. Who, let’s face it, is judging her actions.

So exactly what I said. Teenagers aren’t known to be able to express themselves at the best of times. Never-mind with a death in the family.

Sometimes you have to look a little below surface level.

I guess she is being avoidant. She doesn't feel equipped to be dealing with a Mother who is overwhelmed by sadness. She wants the status quo of her Mother being the grown up and tending to her emotional issues to continue.

I think you need to re frame your thinking about this: she isn't cold hearted but she lacks the emotional maturity to support you in your grief. That's not her fault. It will come.

You need to look around you for someone who is able to support you (sibling? friend?)

She's 16 not 6 and she doesn't have to process anything just be a bit of company for her dm whilst shopping instead of festering in bed all day.

Op I'm sorry for your loss. Please remember your daughter is also grieving and is too young to know how to process this. Perhaps she doesn't want to go out because she doesn't feel comfortable with her (and your) emotions right now?

Completely agree! I lost a much-loved grandparent at 16, and of course I felt very sad, but I had no difficulty grasping that my father needed support (although he was very reserved and didn’t make much of it). I can still remember just wanting to hold his hand at the funeral, to be there.

It is not as if OP has been dumping all her emotions on her DD for weeks on end. She’d just like a bit of company at the shops!

Firstly - Sorry for your loss.

this behaviour is not acceptable. She said she would do something and then with no regard to anyone just can’t be bothered to get up.

totally unacceptable.

it is not inevitable at as they turn 13 that kids turn into selfish teenage monsters . I can’t believe the amount of people excusing her rude behaviour as being ‘because she is a teenager’

any of us can be self centred - but it is not a nice trait and not one I would accept from her. ‘Just because she’s a teen’

I would challenge her - not because you want her emotional support etc - but because she ‘cba’ to keep her word. Integrity and sticking to things you agreed to are important life skills.

Family life is about give and take and opting out of chores because she can’t be bothered is not on at any time let alone while you are grieving.

the only way teenagers Learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them and thst other people matter too us by challenging them on their behaviour. Don’t let this go because ‘she’s a teen’ . calmly but clearly point out to her what she has done wrong and I hope she might stop and think and learn by her mistake.

once again - sorry for your loss .

yabu

Your daughter does not exist to help you.

Would you expect the same emotional support of a son do you think? Or are you loading gendered expectations on her to subjugate herself in service of others?

I'm sorry you are sad, but you need to reach out to siblings, friends and peers for the support you need. It's not your child's job.

Teenagers are selfish, it's normal. It's certainly good parenting to make any teenager get off their butt and do sonething positive for the household from time to time. However, that should not ever be based on how needy you personally are feeling. It should be for their own good and should be the same expectation consistently whether your own mood is low or high.

“Can’t be arsed” was very well communicated to her mother. I’m sure she knew exactly how that would be taken. It wasn’t a heat of the moment thing - she said it twice.

So from OP's post, DD is a lazy arse who doesn't give a hoot for her Mum's feelings. This has prompted a wave of assumptions, eg:

DD is grieving her grandfather too. Maybe she wasn't/isn't - did Mum model a loving relationship with him to DD?

Any DD would support her mother at this time. Not necessarily, depends on their relationship, OP's parenting, DD's relationship with grandfather, DD's conflicting emotions...

DD is in bed at 2pm because she's lazy. She could also be depressed, or have some other condition that makes you behave like an arse, but at 16 you don't have the awareness or words for

DD is 'cold hearted and selfish'. Or she might have had a lifetime of feeling she's supposed to look after Mum, and defiance/lack of sympathy is her unlovely adolescent way of asserting her own unmet needs

Etc etc! None of my italics might be what's happening here of course. But we only have one side of the story, and when AIBUs are so black-and-white it makes me wonder what else might be going on.

What garbage!

I would also have a long memory when she wants something in the future. She's old enough at 16 to be able to offer a bit of support to her mother, it's yet another example of infantilizing to claim a 16 years old can't do that.

Oh good grief, you cannot be serious! Totally trivialise genuine abuse, why don’t you?

Wow. I guess my expectations are different from a lot of posters. My sister passed away on Friday evening, and both my teenage daughters came around to hang out and keep me company, watching rubbish TV. I didn't ask them to, they just knew that I would be sad and distractions would be appreciated.

My brothers did the same for my mum and each other. That's just what you do when someone dies.

I don't feel that it's manipulative to communicate your feelings to your children and ask for their support. Otherwise how will they know how to do the same when they need help?

@Luckycatlady fortunately at no point did OP refer to her DD as a little bitch, that’s just mean and abusive, nothing like being disappointed about lack of compassion.