16-year DD not being supportive

When my grandfather died when I was 10, my mum and dad just got on with it, there was no need (according to them) for any support. When my other grandfather died when I was 18 and at uni my mum told me not to come home until the funeral as she had too much to deal with to be mum.

Different people do things in different ways. Allowing a child to have their own space to grieve is important. I would ask my 16 year old if they wanted to come with me and if they said no, that’s their choice. That isn’t them being incapable and immature, it’s them being seen as the sentient young people they are, aware of how to look after their mental health.

We keep being berated for raising children as if they are our friends, but now we’re told we should be able to rely on them if we feel sad? Which is it?

I said I would really like her accompany as I am so sad and it would be nice to not to go out alone.

Is looking for an emotional crutch.

@Rosscameasdoody

You think she should still be in bed at 2pm and speaking to her mum like she’s a piece of shit when she’s old enough to know that she may be grieving a grand dad, but her mother is grieving her dad ?

This.

Honestly I never thought I'd hear myself come out with this sort of rhetoric and am generally very sympathetic to what young people are going through but if teenagers are given a get-out-of-jail-free card for behaviour like this no wonder people are worried about what's happening to them.

Absolutely nothing justifies a teenager telling a grieving parent they "can't be arsed" to come to the shops.

No way on earth would my DD be allowed to behave like this.

Firstly, sorry for your loss.
Secondly, was your daughter close to her Grandfather? Could she be grieving?

Maybe you need to have a chat and see if she needs support as I'm sure it's affected her.

Our teenage years are so important for learning about emotions and relationships and how our teenage years pan out can have positive or negative effects for life. It's not always as black and white as them being uncaring or selfish. Talk with her, I find that's the best solution.

I remember when my granddad died very suddenly when I was 8, my mum taking a phone call and sliding down the wall in tears. She is a very sensible/practical woman who very rarely cries. At 8 I knew the right response was to give her a hug, even though I remember being so scared seeing her in bits. Then I was about 14 visiting my other granny in a nursing home with dementia with my dad and she was crying that nobody came to visit her, when someone came every other day. I found it so sad, but still had the thought it was hard for my dad too and tried to be kind to him that day. At 16 I was a nightmare at times, but you know enough to put your own feelings aside sometimes when it matters to support your family. Not unreasonable for her to come to the shop with you, I am sorry for your loss and I hope you're OK

Saying she cba is hardly talking to someone like shit 🙄

im sorry for your loss op but I could have written the exact same post about my 17 year old dd. She is selfish with a complete lack of empathy too but thinking back i suppose I was similar at that age too.
like other posters have said, I think you need to rely on friends for support at this time rather than your dd.

This. 100%. All day long. You expressed it so much better than l could have done.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Teenagers can’t see past their own reflection in the mirror at this stage. It doesn’t make it right that she won’t get up but she doesn’t have the mental capacity to support you.

Do you have a friend you could ask to go with you? Or better still get the shopping delivered and go and meet up with a friend who can show you the empathy you need right now?

I’m so sorry that you feel let down. It won’t hurt to let her know that you’re disappointed in her.

Who was still in bed at 2pm. She may not be emotional support but at 16 she should be capable of thinking of others and how they may feel.

Yes, and those different ways don’t include speaking to a parent like she’s shit on your shoe, when she’s just as deep in grief.

We are raising some entirely incapable and immature children, which explains some of the underdeveloped and incompetent adults on MN.

I lost my dad at 10 and my beloved grandmother at 15 and was a whole lot more use to my mother than these posts imply. We learned early that family support each other and that has served me well into adulthood.

Summed it up perfectly. She's not the emotional support for an adult she's a teenager.

You think she should still be in bed at 2pm and speaking to her mum like she’s a piece of shit when she’s old enough to know that she may be grieving a grand dad, but her mother is grieving her dad ?

Yes we've established that people grieve in different ways however a 16yr old joining her mother to get the shopping is not a big ask. Is it?

Her daughter has just lost her grandfather. People grieve in different ways

Teenagers don’t always communicate their feelings very clearly

What an awful comment. OP has just lost her dad. At 16 her DD should be more supportive. She’s not a child an should be able to understand.

She has lost her grandad too, maybe she needs time to grieve too.

Fair enough. I was probably responding as if it had been my own 16 yo son (as I imagine many posters are).

If my son told me he CBA (twice) to do something he'd agreed to do then I'm pretty sure he would be expressing "I can't be arsed" and not covering up that he's upset and sad. But then we have a very good relationship.
A grandparent died recently and me and my 2 sons supported each other well I think.

I fully appreciate that but even at an older age ( at about 15 or so) they were kind and thoughtful when one of my friends died very suddenly and I was in a state of shock. I guess like all of us , children and young people are all different. I have heard adults making crass comments to recently bereaved people and one of my mates had a partner who couldn't understand how she was still grieving for her mother a mere 3 months after she died.

My dc would have come with me in that situation at age 16. Yanbu.

I'm quite shocked at all these responses accusing the OP of treating her DD like an emotional crutch. She's doing no such thing. She's asking to be treated with a modicum of compassion and respect when she's grieving by someone she's brought into the world and supported. As for those people saying she's also grieving, she may be but she's said she "can't be arsed". I'd have punished her for talking to me like that in the circumstances.

I'm also flabbergasted that anyone would tolerate their DD being in bed at 2pm.

I'm normally the first person to sympathise with young people when they are accused of being pampered snowflakes but your DD sounds entitled, spoiled and heartless. I'm sure she has challenges in her life and isn't finding life easy but I'd be doing some fairly serious reading of the riot act.

What a piece of work you are

Jeez I'd expect my childhood to care about me. Not too much to ask for