16-year DD not being supportive

I'm very sorry for your loss op.
I have a 16 year old son and he's the same. I lost my dad a few years ago so he was younger then I know it's not the same but we recently lost a cat and dog, our cat had been unwell for a year and he asked me if we could please have her cremated and keep the ashes. I said yes of course but when it came down to it he had no part, I didn't expect him to be there when we put her to sleep but when I asked him to collect the ashes with us he said no and wouldn't get out of bed . I try not to give him a hard time but I understood how it can ve dissapointing

@BrightGreenPoet

not everyone can be as selfless as you. And that is ok. OP is wanting her daughter to keep her company at the shops, not give her therapy sessions.

You're unreasonable. From one parent to another - you sound self absorbed.

Eleven months ago I found my mother dead in a pool of blood on her dining room floor. This was four weeks after getting out of the hospital myself after almost dying from a drug resistant superbug which I caught during surgery to remove a bunch of my intestines after they found cancer when I was 29 weeks pregnant. I sat on her kitchen chair in agony watching over her body and waiting for the coroner while my six week old infected incision leaked through the bandages and the police took crime scene photos.

Do you know what I thought about? How horrifying it was that my three children were going to have to go through the rest of their lives without her. How on earth I was going to make this okay for them.

Not one single time did I think about how my kids were going to make ME feel better.

What kind of mother are you?

It’s not being “perfect in your grief” to recognise that your child has had a loss too and not moan about them for being “unsupportive”.

I myself was occasionally found in bed at 2pm in the early nineties, and my mum didn’t mind, but I still managed to be kind to her when she was bereaved, and not tell her I couldn’t be arsed.

Well firstly, it was actually vanishingly rare for 16 year olds to be married and supporting whole families as the vast majority of marriages were of people in their 20s. Aristocrats married young but tended to live with family and obviously were supported and supporting. Second, records of the immaturity of teenagers are found in antiquity. Thirdly, even if you consider that I'm wrong on the two previous points, maturity is culturally determined and you can hardly blame a modern 16 year old for not having the outlook of someone from a pre-industrial, pre-universal education, society.

I find it fascinating tbh. A few centuries ago we were expecting 16 year olds to work, get married, have children, support a whole family. Now we apparently think it's too much to expect them to get out of bed before 2pm and go on a short shopping trip.

Why do we go from one extreme to the other?

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I find some of the comments on this thread bizarre to say YABU. You are in no way asking your daughter to be your emotional crutch. You are sad which is completely natural in your situation and it’s important that children understand that their parents have feelings and emotions too and that they are completely normal. Of course she should be expected to understand this and be kind to you when you are grieving.

Teenagers brains work differently, it's normal for them to be selfish.

She's also had a bereavement and I don't think it's reasonable to expect her to be your support.

Is there an adult you can ask for support instead?

Depends on your standards. My children never spoke to me like that. Only on MN are you a terrible parent for expecting a bit of support at difficult times from children who are old enough to understand perfectly well what’s going on.

Surely keeping your mum company on a shopping trip doesn’t qualify as “support” but just normal kindness towards other family members?

Presumably the OP is talking about having her daughter there to chat to whilst she tries on tops in M&S and has a coffee in town, not asking the DD to hold an intensive session of CBT. It’s bizarre that what I would consider a normal request from a family member or friend if they happened to feel a bit down one day is being characterised as some kind of intensive emotional labour demanded by the OP.

And anyway, so what if it was? Leaning on your child when bereaved might be inappropriate for a younger child, but the OP’s daughter is SIXTEEN. She might not yet know how express emotions very well, but here’s one of those life events when you begin to learn! She’s nearly an adult. Even one generation ago she might be soon about to leave school, get married, have her own baby, get a job. I would honestly have been embarrassed at 16 if I was too immature to offer a little bit of emotional support to my mum when her father had just died. (My grandfather did in fact die of cancer when I was 17 and I was old enough to sit with my mum, bring her some cups of tea, keep her company and listen to her talking about him and the funeral arrangements, and I thought that was the least I could do to be honest. My mum didn’t rely on me for counselling, but she wasn’t expected to infantilise me either.)

@CloverPyramid

well, not everyone can be as perfect in their grief as you.

I dont think its up to your 16 year old daughter to support you

Why would you want company from a surly teen? I don't expect my kids to support me emotionally, and I have literally no one else at all. I didn't have to support my parents when their parents died and no one supported me, I just got on with things.

MN seems to be populated with a lot of frustrated types that no matter the situation they’ll type against the poster by default. Women here get bashed left, right and centre for absolutely no reason.

@EisMCsquare I am so very sorry that you are grieving for your Dad and your emotions will be all over the place, but I'm glad to read your most recent update. It's the right decision I think. Your DD will be grieving in her own way, but she is only 16 and teenagers, generally are very selfish and self-centered.

I'm sure my mother would have said similar about me at that age - and actually I would have most likely behaved as this 16 year old. The truth is that I wasn't selfish, cold-hearted or lazy - although I spent a long time very worried that I was, having been told it so many times. The idea of having to support my mother at such a time would have been utterly terrifying to me. I would have processed the situation in my own way which would indeed have looked bad to outsiders, but my mother and I simply didn't have and have never had that kind of relationship. I would rather have had an arm cut off without anaesthesia than gone shopping with my mother to help her deal with her grief. Not because I was horrible but because spending any time with her was torture for a multitude of reasons and a complicated history.

I don't think we know enough about this mother/daughter relationship to judge clearly either way. The information we are getting is a bit odd though - according to the mother the daughter isn't very nice in general, but she also says they're close. Doesn't quite add up to me.

I think it says a lot that your post doesn’t even acknowledge your daughter’s loss or grief. You don’t even acknowledge that “we have had a tough week”, just that you have.

It’s actually crazy that you and your daughter have both lost someone important, and you’re complaining about her not supporting you. When I thought I was losing my dad recently, my main concern was ensuring I did enough to support my son through it. I can’t imagine it even crossing my mind to whine that HE wasn’t supporting ME. Especially over something so petty as not coming to the shops with me.

!6 year olds are selfish by nature unfortunately even if they are lovely at times. Their brains are all over the place at that stage. I wish I could go back and be a better daughter to my mum at that age. I don't think you are unreasonable to be disappointed though. I didn't vote. One day your daughter will probably be mortified at the memory of this day.

It's just what Mums and Daughters do, spend time together! We don't say we are 'emotional crutches' for caring for our dc. It is what families do.

If you have lazy entitled kids who stay in bed all day I can see why you are so defensive.

She doesn't need to be her mom's friend. She needs to be a member of the family and family supports each other. She's not being a crutch, she's taking a trip to the shop.

Is it likely your parents told you they didn't need support, because they knew you wanted to be supportive?

My daughter is neither my friend nor an emotional crutch, but if she thinks something is off I'm any way, she checks in. She knows at 16 years old that each family member has a part to play in maintaining a supportive structure, and just as we support her in whatever way she needs it, she is also considerate of others.

Or experience of their own mother making them resonsible for her emotions.

We don't know enough about OP's situation, but "we're very close", teamed with "she's selfish and cold-hearted" smacks of parentification, and anger at a daughter not living solely to serve her mother's needs.

Like I say, we don't know if that's the case here, but I can see why some posters are reacting the way they are.

OP, I am very sorry for your loss, and I hope that you get to spend some nice relaxed time with your DD today.

I think because mothers are expected to martyr themselves to the needs of their menfolk and children. Anyone asking to be treated with consideration or compassion at a time of need is berated for "treating their child like an emotional crutch" or "creating drama".

It's quite an eye-opener and thoroughly depressing.

This thread really makes me wonder…why do posters feel so completely unable to show any form of sympathy/ empathy to women (especially if said women are mothers). Doesn’t matter the scenario…if a woman especially a mother is involved they are the ones expected to put up and shut up, grin and bear it for the greater good, etc etc.

why??

internalised misogyny??

@BoredZelda

I said I would really like her accompany as I am so sad and it would be nice to not to go out alone.
Is looking for an emotional crutch.

It's not looking for an emotional crutch. It's encouraging her, in an age-appropriate and sensitive way, to grow up a bit and consider others at a time of crisis in the family.

It's asking a member of the family to play their part as a member of the family
It's asking her not to expect her mum to do all the shopping and domestic dog work just because she's mum
It's asking her to consider the feelings of her mum, who has just lost her dad, and encourage her to have a bit of basic emotional intelligence
It's asking her to get out of bed at 2pm. No one on earth should be in bed at 2pm unless they are ill, dying or chronically depressed
It's asking her to not speak to her mum like crap
It's asking her to have a bit of responsibility
And possibly to give her an opportunity to process the feelings around the death of her grandparent