To the people in very long relationships

Together almost 40 years, married 36.

Drama is overrated IMO. That definitely doesn’t mean life has to be boring or humdrum. You inject excitement with activity, whether that’s wild camping, weekend breaks together or separately with friends, trying new experiences or whatever floats your boat.

In my life having separate interests and hobbies makes us a better couple. Having four kids probably doesn’t leave much time for your relationship but it can be done.

Later when the two of you are alone together again you will need new ways of connecting and finding excitement.

I know a man , married , who like you missed those exciting feelings of when you first meet someone ..
The messaging , flirting, excitement leading up to a date & now he has a mistress & sees others when the opportunity arises ..
That doesn’t sound exciting to me , infact I think it’s quite sad .. He has a nice wife , nice life with their children..
To have it all but it’s still not enough…
I’m sure OP that wouldn’t be for you either ..
So if you were ever to act on your feelings, think twice ..
You sound to me , like you also have it all x

I think situations and feelings change often. Thats why love is a choice. I go through periods of feeling like this and no doubt he does too, but its a choice to stay and not stray. Last month i felt exactly like you, but this month he’s been working long hard hours coming back looking like an absolute greek god and I can’t get enough of him 😂

You think about your life without him and practice gratitude. Unless you don't want him anymore?

Been together 21 years, married 15, two DC.

Two thoughts:

1. You will never get the heady will-we-won't-we hormonal-buzz mutual obsession stage back. It is by its nature fleeting. But there is so much else to value in a long, good relationship - the intimacy you have built, the way you've been a team through challenges, the strength and solidity of what you have. Nobody knows me like DH does, or ever has. The length of our relationship has turned out to have unexpected pleasures and strengths. We do make an effort to keep our connection alive despite the mundanity of work and family life - we go out for coffee together, see shows, weekends away when we can swing the childcare. Reminders that we are two adults who love and fancy each other and have tons of fun together. And the early stages were also full of uncertainty and loneliness, because we didn't yet know each other or how things would work out. I'd take this over that any day.
2. You seem to maybe be one of those people who seems drama as proof of passion. Evidently you didn't doubt you wanted your relationship in the years in which you were fighting and breaking up. Why? Those are bad things, and symptomatic either of a fundamental mismatch or poor communication and problem-resolving skills. Breaking up and making up all the time doesn't make you a love for the ages. It just makes you exhausting to be around. If that is how you feel, you're probably going to need to unpack it in therapy.

I understand you OP. I was with ex for 20+ years and we split up.

I have been with DP for coming up to 3 years and when we got together it was amazing, lots of passion, texting, sex, and the wonderful feeling of being in love. 3 years later we are still very passionate and have a lot of sex (we are in our 50's!) and i adore the arse of him.

But, i miss the other side of it. 20+ years with my ex, i knew him inside out, we knew everything about each other, how we worked and what made us click. I am getting there with DP but it takes time

When i am with DP's mum she is telling me about some sage with his cousin or his uncles wife brother and i honestly have no clue who they are. She talks about people and i have never heard of them. Whereas with the 20 year relationship i knew who everyone was and what the history was with them.

Remember love is a verb. As a previous poster said, be the mirror. Give love, always, often, unexpectedley. The first two years in a relationship are the honeymoon times, it is only after that that the real love begins. Deep, commited, trusting love is far more powerful.

This pretty much. Also, bottom line is you get back what you put in. Those rip each others clothes of stage of course can’t last forever. The energy is still available though so it’s up to you how you harness that and what activities you do with each other to keep your relationship alive. I honestly think that it’s very rare for an older 50+ LT couple to still have butterflies and ‘just naturally’ be going strong. Most people do have to work on still continuing to ‘like each other’ same as they do with working on their kids and jobs. It’s very easy to drift and get comfortable in that space as you age so you need to actively mitigate against that I guess.

I've been with my husband for nearly 25 years.

It's funny because we were just chatting last night (after a few glasses of wine), about how much we are so glad that despite a very low low after we had a baby 16 years ago, and I was pissed off he wasn't pulling his weight and we very VERY nearly split up, that we worked through it and are still together.

We have such a lovely life now and I would say we are best mates and I love him so much.

I might still be a leetle bit drunk lol x

Or just in the thick of having young kids and working

At ten years married I was only 33. It was all still butterflies, hearts and flowers. We were expecting DC2 so it was all still exciting. Plus, I was healthy.
I'm now 53, with a life limiting condition, DC are adults and although I don't regret marrying DH, I'm so exhausted by life that I'd quite like a reset there.
I know I wouldn't have the energy to train a new model and looking at DFriend's dating experiences, I wouldn't want to dip my toes in that cesspool.

I think ageing and menopause can often come with hating everyone’s breathing!

It sounds like you have a successful marriage. Keep on loving, try to keep things fresh and say at least 10 positive things for every negative. It's not too hard to keep things on a steady course but does take both of you putting in the effort. Dh reciprocates the effort I put in and this is essential for it to work. I try not to get complacent but I probably am a bit. We also really support the things that are important to us as individuals and he's really stepped up in the house now my career has taken off again.

You can find excitement and the enjoyment of getting to know new people outside of a sexual relationship. Maybe join a club or activity? It also takes work even in really good relationships to not stagnate a bit and take eachother for granted. We make sure we go on dates just the 2 of us regularly.

I don't think many relationships can feel like new love again, but that's a hormone-fuelled experience that isn't meant to last forever. You may be able to revisit it by remembering the best bits of your story and finding ways of surprising one another or doing new things together, or just taking the time to appreciate the way that you're still there for each other in little ways that mean a lot.

Mainly, love develops into something different over time, but for all the thrill of new love, I wouldn't want to trade what I have now. I've been married nearly 24 years. Getting annoyed at times is normal when you spend so much time with anyone. it doesn't mean you won't still be in love or actually can't stand one another.

Me and my husband wfh - often both in a small office. It's quite common for one of us to say "could you stop breathing!" Its said in jest (mostly)

Next month we'll celebrate 25 years of marriage. We annoy each other from time to time but we love each other and are each others biggest cheerleader. The first flush of new love is exciting but it "doesn't have your back". It disappears in sickness. New love is there for the good times. I can't imagine anything worse than those early days of wondering "is he into me?"

I definitely miss the butterflies and first kiss feeling

I think this is why affairs happen - this feeling is so powerful, strong and intoxicating.
A happy marriage does have strong feelings of love but I don’t think it can have the same heady hormonal feelings as early lust. A strong marriage is worth so much more.

Been married 35 years and together 18 months before that. I still get butterflies about seeing him if hes been away, still fancy him, love and respect him and hes the same with me. Yes we had tough times especially when our two boys were young but we have shared so many good and bad times together i just cannot imagine being without him. Would i like more romance and feeling like someones princess? Yes of course but when we have those moments i treasure them. Its easy To let things slip into a rut but now our boys have fled the nest and we have retired we each pursue our own interests but also make lots of effort to get out and about together and we both like to travel so we spend quality time together for weeks on end doing that too. Ive just got in from the gym, he's brewing beer and later we are off out for dinner with his nephew and his girlfriend. Its important to make time for fun together as well as the boring routine of daily life and chores.

What makes you think that could happen?

We try to do new things together and find that helps keep things fresh. It might be a long walk exploring, a meal out in a restaurant we've never tried before or a murder mystery or escape room. Breaking out of the routine every now and again.

I also still tell him why I value him and love him when I get the chance, hold his hand, cook something special... and he does the same. Be the mirror that you want reflected back. I'm sure I irritate dh and he irritates me but I put my focus on appreciating his many good points rather than letting my brain go over the little things. The big picture is great