To the people in very long relationships

We have been together nearly 40 years! We’ve never been a fireworks going off couple really, although we’ve always loved doing romantic things together. But when we first met our lives had been pretty turbulent, and we both felt, after our first date, a kind of “phew, I can relax” feeling. And we still feel that now. One thing I can really recommend is doing separate things. Going out with other people, having different hobbies, sometimes going away alone. It’s exciting to do that-and lovely coming back together again and closing our door on the world.

In answer to your question I would say to keep talking.

When we had small children, it seemed that we would have sex & 'bingo' another is on it's way & I didn't feel at all like sex when I was heavily PG - since I'm rather small (only 5') all my babies were big ones, my first son was 8lbs 13oz, my daughter (3rd child) was the smallest at 7lbs 9oz, my 4th (3rd DS) was 9lbs 11oz & had to be a caesarean as he was anterior & so large. With 3 children under the age of 5 sex didn't really happen. We were both too exhausted, which may explain the gap between number 3 & number 4 (10 years) 😉

However, you need to keep working on your relationship with your DH as there will be a time when you don't have children around - and before that they will become more independent.

Keep telling each other how much you love them & what you admire about them.

Tell your DH when he's looking good. Recognise what he does - even if it's unpacking the dishwasher, bathing the children whatever, by saying 'oh I've noticed that you've unpacked the dishwasher' or 'the children love it when you bathe them/read them a story'. Yes, he's their father & it's his job, but to be recognised is giving positive feedback that he's being a good father & husband & we all need to be told when we're doing a good job.

Married life having gone from first date thrills to slightly dull contented companionship doesn't mean that it's on a downhill slope to hating his breathing. Contented companionship is of itself a lovely state, one that can last for decades. Communication is key. Talking to each other, listening to each other, discussing both the good things and the challenges. If you're bored, talk together about what you both want. Find a way forward.

Hating his breathing is not an overnight thing. It comes from weeks, months, years of drawing apart, taking each other for granted, each not feeling the other makes any effort for them, each not feeling the other is worth the effort.

It is not inevitable.

As PPs have pointed out, the "butterflies" phase of a relationship is, by definition, not meant to last forever. What you're talking about here is basically mating incentivisation behaviour. Dress it up as romantically as you like but from a biological perspective its designed to persuade the two of you to have as much sex as possible to conceive children. If you have children and a stable life, it's never going to be possible to sustain that.

Whether or not that's "enough" for you depends on what you want. When I was in my 30s it probably wouldn't have been enough for me and I chased that feeling again and again. After a while, though, you figure out that you're essentially replacing one type of "buzz" for another one and they are never that sustainable.

Now, in my 50s, I'm fine with a stable, more or less happy long term relationship with sex but without fiery passion. I don't have the time or energy for it any more, there are other things I'm more interested in, its destabilising and time consuming and its not really compatible with raising teenagers.

A good relationship will settle eventually into some sort of equilibrium. That doesn't mean giving up sex and it certainly doesn't mean giving up respect and friendship, but over time a long relationship isn't really compatible with buzz chasing.

This is one of the many reasons I think getting married young is generally a bad idea. Most people in their 20s haven't really worked this through their system and have many years of "buzz chasing" and "what could have been" still in them. Far better to wait to put this past you before settling down.

From the moment that we first decided to TTC it seemed that DH only had to look at me before I was PG😂Every time I came off the pill in preparation for next baby - wham, guess what? We both got sterilised after baby no 4 as I wasn't going to risk baby no 5, 6 or 7😉

Yes, I'm lucky in my marriage, but I suspect that having run a business together helped as we had to discuss things.

The mess is still a bit of an issue - I do wish he would learn to put things away - sometimes it seems like he's left a trail of destruction behind him! But he's not going to now is he & we could have worse problems! From his POV I'm probably rather fussy about it.

In DH's defence, he's had to clean toilets used by the public, in an emergency, when sometimes left in a VERY gross state 😱, he is very considerate about his lavatorial habits & cleans the toilet & puts the seat down afterwards. He's also fussy about the kitchen being 'shut down' & cleaned, work surfaces clear & cleaned, dishwasher packed etc before we go to bed, but that will be his chef's training.

I think that there are stages and you'll eventually have the stage of no children. Having young children means that you often don't notice that you haven't got much of anything outside of daily life, seeing to the children'sneeds etc. A lot of my female peer group (56-65) are finding that they get more out of friendships and their own interests, than their DH. In some cases their DH's haven't liked the new independence that they have. It's important to not just exist for your children. As you both age, keep a solid connection and make sure you like the people who you are aging into.

Funny story from a friend of mine: Her DH used to work away a lot. He'd been away for several weeks, was due to arrive home while she was at work.

Looking forward to him being home when she got home from work, she put on her best sexy undies - we talking the whole works: black lacy bra, stockings, suspenders, thong & a coat dress that unbuttoned down the front in preparation to greet her DH.

Unfortunately she had a serious car accident on her way to work & they had to cut all this off her in A&E. She was mortified that they saw all her sexy undies. 😂

I would deepen your love

overcoming challenges and obstacles

Everyone on here appears to have the breathing thing.

Been with my dh 17 years. I still get butterflies. We have 4 kids. Especially if he goes away for work, I miss him so much and I get so excited when he's coming back. He only goes away every couple of years or so, so not very often.

Can you spend some more one on one time together?

OMG darling - I so get you, I had 3 under the age of 5 at one stage, my 4th was a bit of a <happy> accident & came when my (then) youngest was 10.

You're all up for it, but somehow having a little sleep or just a cuddle is the preferable option. Don't worry, the children will grow up & you'll get your MOJO back - see my post above. 😘

Do you not just have a bit of FOMO? Are your kids young? I've been with my DH since I was in my mid-teens (now 47), and we still kind of have that rush of first love excitement. It definitely dimmed a lot when the kids were little, but now they're grown, it's come back in a massive way.

Married for 38 years, 4 children, 7 GC & another due in September. Like all couples we've had our ups & downs, but no serious arguments, just 'spats' or heated discussions. If one of us is pissed off with the other one, we will discuss it calmly as it's best to bring these things out into the open rather than let them fester.

We recognise and accept that neither of us is perfect and it's our imperfections (as well as the positive things) that make us who we are. For example: he's rather messy & I'm a bit of a tidy freak. I've learned to be a bit more relaxed about his bedside cabinet being covered with piled-up half-read books, change, keys, penknife & other useful items usually kept in his pockets, packets of medication, various chargers & his 'open plan wardrobe' (eg: a chair with sundry items of clothing placed on it) - I will blitz it every so often & he will complain that he can't find anything, forgot to take his tablets or forgot to charge his phone/iPad/razor because I'd tidied up.

We've always told each other how much we love each other several times a day and why. We show appreciation for each other recognising when one has done something well or when one does something nice for the other. DH frequently tells me how good I'm looking, notices my clothes hair etc. Sometimes he will joke that he's concerned about letting me go out of the house on my own as he says I'm looking so gorgeous. He frequently sends me flowers for no particular reason - just because.

We encourage each other to spend time with our own friends away from each other as friendships away from the relationship are important.

Most of all, DH is my most favourite person in the world - the person who makes me laugh, knows when to give me a cuddle, knows when to just leave me alone or when I need to talk. He says that I'm the same for him. He's a great dad, used to work 7 days a week in our own catering businesses (we had 5 outlets - a couple of restaurants & 3 take-aways), but he found the time to watch the children playing sports, took them on outings, attended school plays and (unless it was a Bank Holiday weekend when we were particularly busy) made sure that he was home to read bedtime stories - even if he did fall asleep whilst doing this - which he did on more than one occasion. Now he's a fabulous granfur (Grandfather to those not from Devon or Cornwall) & loves chasing GC around, playing cricket & rounders on the beach, arranging barbeques on the beach or in our garden. We have GC to stay during school holidays & he's fabulous with them: cooking, playing board games, long walks with our dogs, helping in the garden & with our chickens, ducks & (at the right time of year) feeding the orphan lambs that we take on as well as visits to local attractions. No phones or computer games are allowed at Nanny & Granfur's house, they are left behind with mum & dad.

OK sex isn't as frequent as it was in the beginning, though more frequent than when we ran our businesses & had 4 children to run around after! I'm 63 & he's 70 & we still fancy the pants off each other & still retreat to the bedroom for the afternoon for a steamy session a couple of times a month. We probably have sex 1-2 times a week, but sometimes seem to be particularly horny & have it every day for a few weeks.

OP I could've written your first post, it's so similar to my life!

We've started travelling again (I know this may not be an option for you with kids) and we've started putting together a bucket list of things we'd like to do together when we're older (for example there's a particular animal sanctuary we'd like to go volunteer at). Having things like this in place helps us feel excited and talk about our future. Not sure if this is something that could help you?

But I totally get you. If you've had a dramatic upbringing and your life has always moved at a fast pace it can be really strange when suddenly you're in the routine of real life. It doesn't mean you hate your life, it's just different. And it's ok to feel how you do.

I'm also mid-late 30s and wondering if hormones are also playing a role 😅

Oh, so it's not that you don't like sex/him? I'd say that's absolutely normal and you'll get more sleep/less tired as the years go on 😂 Sounds like you have a lovely, loving relationship.

I think this is about you being comfortable with life not always being exciting and constant highs or lows.

If you’ve only been together 10 years and in that time you’ve had 4 children and a separation and a reconciliation 😳 your whole relationship sounds like it’s been highs and lows from the start. There’s never been an easy coasting along period for more than a short time.

It could very well be that you both thrive on drama and there isn’t much to hold you together when it’s not chaos. Some relationships are like this, especially if it was drama and babies very soon after you met. Otherwise, you have to kinda learn to love the boring.

Long relationships are a lot about mutual respect and appreciation and being able to get on with life side by side and know the other has your back and you can trust them completely. They aren’t date nights and excitement and passion - not to say, you don’t still experience those things sometimes, but it’s different, especially once you chuck small children in the mix. You have to learn to love the mundane and not the thrill.

That’s the best quote I’ve heard for a long time PP
We’re never happy 😂 😂

OP, do you make each other laugh?

DH and I have been married 31 years; together for 36 years.

He still makes me laugh, a lot! I found myself in tears of laughter a couple of weeks ago, at something he said...that is drama in itself!

We don't want butterflies and intoxication anymore, we just look forward to seeing each other, sharing simple, happy moments, sharing news, political beliefs and disagreements...seeing friends, eating; laughter is definitely seductive, and I don't mean erotic, necessarily, just binding, secure.

I know how that feels, truly, but my advice is that it is worth scheduling sex every once in a while and doing your best to make the time and give yourself a chance to get in the mood. It's hard to keep that connection alive through the early little-kid years but it's worth it.