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I’ve bailed on a friend in favour of my kids, but I didn’t realise how she was feeling 😔

109 replies

Niceiswear · 26/05/2025 09:38

Edited to point out typo in the title - should say “kid”, just one!

My son and I sometimes going and visit an old school friend of mine who lives in Australia. He alway has a nice enough time but it’s not his favourite holiday. She doesn’t have kids and although we do activities for him, there isn’t a lot happening where she lives.

I’d planned to go and see her this year and she said she was thrilled, but that work would be very busy during the week. We threw around some ideas for things to do at the weekends while we were there.

I then found out that a group of mums from we know are taking their kids away for 10 days at the same time, and we’ve been invited.

This is a dream for my son. This group has gone away before and the timing’s not worked out for us to go with, as he was with my ex those weeks, or I haven’t been able to take the time off work.

I’d made up my mind that we’d go on the group trip instead of visiting my friend. It’s really special for my son and he’ll have a much better time.

I won’t get another chance to get to my friend this year.

I don’t get to talk to her on the phone loads because of the time zones, so hadn’t told her, but I’ve finally reached her today.

Before I had the chance to tell her, she confided that she’s really struggling mental health wise, to the extent she’s considered taking her own life, and that she feels so isolated over there and is just relieved people from home come and visit occasionally.

I was not expecting this at all. She was happy as Larry when I spoke to her last. I didn’t think she’d bat at eyelid as she’d already said she’d be really busy with work.

Obviously I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that we weren’t going to visit.

I feel absolutely awful.

OP posts:
4forksache · 26/05/2025 09:56

Tell her you’ll FaceTime more regularly to support her but also tell her that you won’t be able to visit as planned. Tell her the truth about your son’s need for a holiday with his friends and tell her you were going to tell her last time but obviously couldn’t with what she’s sprung on you.
Ask if she can visit you at some point. Tell her you’ll be there for her anytime she needs you on FaceTime or equivalent.

Duvetsse · 26/05/2025 09:55

OP, your son is your priority without a doubt.
Your friend needs to visit.
Try an schedule calls with her.
What is she doing to help herself there?
That is a huge burden placed on your shoulders.

Do not feel guilty.
This trip for your son to finally get to go on is your rightful priority.

MaybeMrs · 26/05/2025 09:53

Why don’t you ask her to come and visit you?

Heronwatcher · 26/05/2025 09:53

It’s a difficult one. Is there any way you could get to see her even for a shorter period? For example could your son go on the holiday with his friends with another family (we quite often take friends of our kids away). Or could you go another time?

It honestly sounds as though the problems here are deeper than one visit could solve but at the same time you might be able to give her a push in the right direction towards help or making some major life choices, like relocating etc.

SwanRivers · 26/05/2025 09:51

What do you mean 'obviously'?

How long are you going to leave it?

Cuppapup · 26/05/2025 09:49

Ah don’t feel bad Op, it is nice that you’re so considerate though and you sound like a great friend.

I don’t have kids and although I’m an introvert anyway due to where I live (a few hours from most friends) I do sometimes feel lonely and would be excited about someone coming to visit me but I’d understand if they had to cancel.

I think you’ve done well to visit her multiple times already, especially as it’s not that much of a holiday for your kid. Australia is very far away!

I think you should explain to her you can’t come as planned until maybe next year or whenever, but say you’d love to see her over at yours in the meantime - assuming that’s possible for you to accommodate her.

Also maybe step it up with the calls and FaceTimes and check up on her more regularly.

Tagyoureit · 26/05/2025 09:49

Yikes, can you say you can't afford to go to Australia this year and just not tell her about the other holiday? And as above just check in on her more?

Pastyfaced · 26/05/2025 09:46

657904I · 26/05/2025 09:40

Just tell her gently, as you can be there in other ways. The time zone difference is large but I’m sure you can now make the effort to speak to her more regularly? She needs regular contact, so I doubt you visiting that one time would be as helpful as you regularly checking in on her and calling/messaging

Difficult one - but this

you must prioritise your child

657904I · 26/05/2025 09:40

Just tell her gently, as you can be there in other ways. The time zone difference is large but I’m sure you can now make the effort to speak to her more regularly? She needs regular contact, so I doubt you visiting that one time would be as helpful as you regularly checking in on her and calling/messaging