I’ve bailed on a friend in favour of my kids, but I didn’t realise how she was feeling 😔

She needs to take responsibility for her m h and reach out to support services in Australia.
She cannot rely on you or others visiting.
She needs to assess if she stays there or not.
But m h travels with you. If it is situational due to being in Australia she needs to figure that out. And take steps to change the situation.
Your responsibility is to your dc

Own flesh and blood or a friend? Seriously?

Wow cannot believe some of the responses here, people have obviously never lost someone to suicide. Really disgusting, some of you people ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Can you see if she can visit you instead OP?

No, you don't need to spend potentially thousands of pounds taking your children to somewhere boring because your friend hasn't got the sense to come home.

Can you send her regular voice notes? You could send one every day or thereabouts to talk about your life and even if it's nighttime there she'd have it when she wakes up and may make her feel less alon . My friends and I use them all the time as they're a bit more personal than a text but you don't have to wait until you're both free for a call, which can be difficult even in the same time zone, with work and young children.

I can see why you feel bad OP but you need to d what is best for you and your family. How far in advance of the trip are you that you're cancelling? You obviously haven't booked yet.

I think you should tell her asap and if you can go another time then do but otherwise invite her to stay with you and just explain it's difficult with children. It's a long trip! In terms of the distance.

Is it fair to either of them, to take your son to stay with someone he doesn't know well and who has been feeling suicidal?
I'd take the bull by the horns and tell your friend that you can't come that week after all because there are things on that DS needs to be doing, but you are very concerned for her, and you'd like her to come and stay with you instead. So put a date in the diary asap and meanwhile talk about how she can access help where she is.

Tell her sooner rather than later, that might influence her to come back to visit the UK. Try to arrange dates, tell her when you’re free, think of all the things you can do. Just try and keep her on board with the idea.

In the meantime, you can increase the calls, send care packages.

Also reach out to other friends and if you know any of her family members. Find out if they can visit or they can put her up over in the UK.

JUST DONT DELAY IN TELLING HER.

It must've been heartbreaking for you to hear that she's got to this point and considering ending her own life .
Aside from your son ( and I 100% think you should prioritise him ) you cannot offer her the support she needs , even if she lived down the road , but she's the other side of the globe .

You cannot take on the responsibility for her MH .

The phrase Don;t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm is apt .

Right now you're torn and feeling guilt .
The right choice is your boy .

You are making the right choice, so don’t let yourself be guilted by your friend.

I know a few people who have made a big international move and then been upset because of their unrealistic expectations of people visiting, but they have a choice to either accept the consequences of the choice they made or come home.

What’s stopping her from visiting you?

The longer you leave it to tell her, the harder it will be for her. Just explain that your DS has the opportunity to go away with his friends and as he has missed out on their previous trips you feel you have to put him first. Follow this up with a commitment to call/face time more regularly and suggest she comes out to visit you.

You need to prepare yourself for the possibility that she won't take the news well. But that's probably because of how she's feeling and doesn't mean you've done the wrong thing.

You need to prioritise your son. He hasn’t enjoyed any of the previous holidays and bluntly, taking him again so you can be a counsellor for your friend is not fair on him at all. Even without her MH issues, I can’t believe you were even thinking of taking him again when he clearly doesn’t enjoy it! How unfair! Your holidays with your son are so precious, why aren’t you doing things he enjoys? He really doesn’t need to see your friend having a breakdown.

Whilst I have every sympathy for your friend, she isn’t your responsibility. If she’s so unhappy where she is, she needs to come home. Expecting you to go half way around the world every year is a huge ask! Why has this fallen onto you? Has she got no other family or friends?

If she’s been located there due to work, her employers have a responsibility for her care. She needs to speak to HR who will point her in the right direction for the support she needs.

Tell her you cannot come this year but are happy to schedule more calls with her if that will help. But don’t take on more than you can cope with. Your friend sounds very mentally ill and needs profession help.

Take your son on holiday guilt free. He’s going to have a great time!

You can’t be responsible for her happiness. I lived in Australia for a decade and when people came to see us I was very grateful indeed as it’s so expensive, it’s an arduous journey and you pretty much have to use all of your annual leave to make it worth it. That’s one of the reasons I didn’t want to live there for the rest of my life. I wanted the family and friends relationships that I had built over decades and decades.

She moved there, it’s her job that has kept her there. She needs to come home if she’s desperately unhappy. That’s what I did.

Invite her to stay with you.
Say you’ll call more regularly and make plans to visit next year instead, you just can’t make it work this year. After all, it is a very long and expensive trip.

Send her a lovely care package of some kind with a lovely card. Chocolates, flowers, whatever she’ll appreciate.

But ultimately, your son needs to come first and it sounds as though it’s a great opportunity for him.

You sound like such a good friend, but you have to put your son first. As others have said try find a time to call. What about voice notes, that way you can more regularly exchange news and check in. Sounds like you found her on a really low day, so keep checking in, but don't feel bad that you can't visit. Moving half-way across the world is her decision not yours.

Your poor friend, that she is feeling isolated etc

But the answer cannot be to rely on incredibly expensive visits from friends half a world away using up theirs and their kids’ holiday allowance.

If she ‘hangs on’ from visit to visit it just prolongs it, and puts you all under unreasonable strain.

I would be upfront about how hard it is to juggle a child and adult-orientated visits given the distance and expense and urge / support her to come home.

Maybe offer half the flight cost for her to visit you for her to work it all out?

You really do need to do the friends group trip. Things like this are gold for single mums of only kids. You have needs and challenges too, and your kid should not feel de-prioritised to your friend who chooses to stay put.

Tell her sooner rather than later. Find a way to commit to talking on the phone more, even if time zones make thst difficult.

Ask if she can come to you?

Your son needs to come first. It sounds like you’ve always tried to do what you can and visit regularly which is admirable. Does she have friends over there? Why did she move, any chance she can move back? Does she ever come back home for visits?

Your friend should come home.

Living on the other side of the world would always mean it's hard for nearest and dearest to stay in contact, let alone visit due to the cost.

She needs to come home.

Invite her to stay with you?
Step up the calls and messaging
Send some flowers
Tell you can’t visit this year but she is most welcome to stay with you

Your son’s trip is a separate thing, it is for him with his friends - and you should both go.

Maybe she needs to come home if she is suicidal, she will need proper support beyond what your visit will offer.