I’ve bailed on a friend in favour of my kids, but I didn’t realise how she was feeling 😔

A good friend tells you she’s thought about suicide. You need to take action now to stop her from following through. This is very serious.

I live in Australia. Where does your friend live? What state and suburb? I will look up the number for the local police station and you can call them, they can do a welfare check on her and get her the help she needs.

There is also LifeLine 13 11 14 your friend can call for help.

I am horrified at the complete lack of concern or empathy other posters on this thread are showing. Jesus Christ.

I think 'in favour of my kid' is the kind of framing that will make you feel more guilty when you don't need to make yourself feel worse - you're prioritising your son and that's ok. Definitely encourage her to visit you instead.

Why does it always have to be you travelling long haul with a child (which can't be fun for him), why doesn't she ever visit you.

You seem to be giving an awful lot of attention to someone who lives the other side of the world and doesn't seem invested in your friendship.

Your child has to come first on this, otherwise all they'll remember from their childhood is the boring tiring long distance travel to somewhere that has very little to keep them entertained or things to look forward to.

Agree that you need to tell here ASAP.

At the end of the day you have to put your son first and, even without the opportunity of a much more suited holiday, you shouldn't be taking him to spend time around someone who is currently suicidal.

Make it clear that you are available to her to speak much more often but explain that you have to prioritise DS's needs.

You’re doing the right thing. Your son comes first. A good friend will understand this even if she’s completely gutted that you won’t be going. If she kicks off or cuts you off then it says more about her than you.

OP, there’s no way I’d take a child to stay with a friend with a mh illness so serious they are talking about suicide. And your visit won’t stop that feeling - if anything, your visit and subsequent departure might even make her feeling of isolation worse once she’s left alone again.

OP is there any way you can reach out to her family via social media? I would let them know what you had planned to visit but now can’t and you are worried about your friend being very lonely . No need to mention suicide.

Separately I’d make a plan to call / message friend frequently - like, daily. My mum and I used to play Wordl and try and compete for best score each day, for example. I would also ask her for recipe ideas, gardening advice, parenting advice. She would ask me for fashion advice or comment on politics. The touchpoint can be short and lighthearted but it’s helpful.

You need to tell her asap.
Tell her the truth. Do not make up stuff like it's too expensive or whatever because she can then make suggestions to find a way round it.
Tell her about the group holiday and that means that you won't be able to come to Australia next year but looking forward to catching up when she's in the UK. And also suggest you facetime more regularly if she's feeling down.

However, at the end of the day, her mental health is her responsibility and she could change things by moving back to the UK if she's lonely and miserable in Australia. It's unrealistic to expect a friend to fly out to Australia with or without her son annually - the cost is one thing but also the time needed to do this.

You can support her but your son has to come first.

I think this is really relevant, she is choosing to stay there and that isn't on you. I know it must feel awful but you can't be responsible for her happiness and mental health. You are obviously a caring person, are there any reasons she can't come home?

Kindly, it's not your problem
I'm glad not everyone takes this attitude.

No, OP shouldn't be forcing her son to do something he's unhappy with, but I wouldn't be sitting on my laurels either, if someone I loved enough to make godmother, was struggling.

Okay well money isn’t an issue, she’s working that week and you have DS that week anyway. But it sounds as though DS does have an involved dad.

So., find a week DS can stay with his dad and go on your own a different week? When she’s not working?

If she is actively suicidal then she needs to come home asap
In an ideal world, but then those in the depths of a mental health crisis, where they feel the best thing to do is kill themselves, are not going to be rationally, or logically thinking, are they?

OP, is it possible to arrange for a welfare check via the local police or her employers perhaps?

you really can’t delay telling her. It’s not right

I somewhat agree with this OP, it may be a difficult conversation but it’s better had sooner than later.

Can ex not take son on the trip?

I think I would move heaven and earth to support a friend who opened about feeling suicidal.

i would leave son with his father and go alone.

if you are set on not going then offer her an alternative to come to you. So she doesn’t sit stewing in the loneliness with no alternatives or feeling like she’s not going to see anyone for god knows how long.

you really can’t delay telling her. It’s not right

Is she still there on the secondment?
what support does her employer offer? - practically in terms of flights home or MH support?
If she is already coming home regularly to visit family and still feeling this bad, maybe it's time to call it a day & end the secondment?

Kindly, it's not your problem. Tbh no reason to keep going if your child doesn't enjoy it. That's my view anyway- much better to do something they enjoy. Presumably your friend only has a certain amount of annual leave and if she is spending portions of that with friends who don't actually live in the country, and not on meeting people locally, she has created her own problem.

I say that as someone who has been single and lonely- it's very easy to fall into a pit of self despair and depending on crumbs of friendship from afar, whereas building something that isn't dependent on other people is much more beneficial I.e joining social groups that are happening anyway. It's often an illusion that you can come home and pick up where things left off - building a community takes time.

You need to tell her the truth ASAP though.

OP said her friend is already coming to UK later this year.. so she’ll see her in a few months anyway.

It actually is that easy. I’ve done it. You just go.

Tell her to come visit you this year.

OP you need to tell her ASAP, like today.

The longer you leave it, the worse it's going to get for you and her. Explain you can't come, but that you will support her in other ways - like you're happy to organise a regular phone call she can look forward to.

Or that you will text her more often checking in.

I don't think you should take your son to morning holidays in Australia. When people move away they can't expect people form home to make that sacrifice, be it visiting in inopportune ways or meeting with them at home at inopportune times.

More importantly you shouldn't take your young son so far away form home and into a situation where a grown up is severely struggling with their mental health, that's not safe for anyone and you won't be able to support your friend adequately with your son to look after and vice versa.

The best you can do is be more available by phone and try and visit her without your son if he can stay with your ex.

I don’t disagree that she needs to come home. Of coarse that is the way forwards. But it’s not that simple is it. You can’t easily just pack up and move home at short notice particularly when your on your own and struggling with depression.
moving back could take months to organise at best.

I am sure sometimes my friends kid would rather have been at a play date, but it didn’t do them harm when their parents brought them to visit me and I’d like to think they had fun.

But presumably they wouldn't bring their child along if they had come to help you because you were having a mental health crisis.

Bit living in Australia here, I know the time difference is especially difficult at this time of year, but I have a couple of good friends I speak to multiple times a week, if you can’t go, which to be fair, I would choose my son in this situation, they are little and want to holiday with you for such a short time!

I suggest you find a regular time to check in, remember it doesn’t need to be an hour call, we appreciate the call on your drive to the station for 10 mins, especially if it’s frequent.

it sounds like she is having a hard time, does she have a support network, good friends in Australia? I’m assuming she’s not alone, you don’t need to bear all the responsibility for her.

she should understand, visiting here from the uk is a big trip, it’s most of your annual leave, as an expat, she does get that.

I think separate the two issues maybe? Explain your son needs more than a holiday with just the two women (natural as he gets older) so you think it would be best to take him on the trip with his friends. Ask her instead to visit you (could she come with you on this trip?), or if time permits meet halfway for a girls holiday alone and say that you’ll help her brainstorm on how to move back to the UK?