I’ve bailed on a friend in favour of my kids, but I didn’t realise how she was feeling 😔

Be honest about the situation with your son. I'm sure she will want him to go and have fun with his friends. Don't lie because if she finds out it'll make her feel worse.

It sounds like she needs to come visit you and get a change of scenary? Or come home full stop!

That is shocking.
I definitely wouldn't go visit her for many reasons.
I really hope that she receives the help she needs, she's unwell so I understand, however I think she was unfair to drop that on you.
She needs professional support.
Contact someone who lives closer to her, if they know her GP, maybe email them.
Sorry I haven't RTFT.

Just tell her the truth, ‘Bob and I have been invited on his school camping trip on the same dates we were thinking about coming to see you. He’s desperate to go as he had to miss it last year, so we’re going to have to give Australia a miss for now. Do you want to come over here?’

I'm sure your friend will have heard of this, but mention it anyway:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au

I do think youve made the right choice but realise it must be hard yto hear a close friend speak , be feeling so bad.
Even if you were to reconsider do you really think it would be appropriate to take your young son out with you if she feels so bad.
I think as pp have said offer different forms of support. Has she told her work how she is feeling? It does sound like she would be better off returning home where she would have much closer support.

“This is my dream for my son”

OP, spend some more time talking with your friend. Obviously she is finding life very hard, but if she is actually suicidal then she needs help now, not in however many weeks til you arrive.

And she is obviously functioning professionally, as she says she will be at work during the week when you are there.

Being an expat can be really tough - cut off from friends and family. OP's friend's situation sounds like the worst possible situation - there temporarily, so no drive to put down roots, but open - ended, so no end in sight. It is possible that moving home would help a lot.

You seem lovely but after many years of different friendships I really understand now that we are not responsible for other people's happiness..you can certainly help but don't feel bad if you prioritise yourself and son first.

Going there "on a holiday" with your child to come to the aid of a suicidal friend is obviously not the right thing. Neither is letting her down gently and telling her you have chosen to go away with a group of your son's friends.

I am assuming this is a long haul trip for you. Do you have the holiday time and money to visit your friend to offer in person support at another time, when your DS is with his dad?

What support can you provide in the meantime - voicenote contact, ensuring she has support from relevant local mental health services there, from other friends and family, helping her make plans to move countries if that is the right choice for her.

Invite her to come and stay with you for a visit.
I know you say she comes over regularly enough but invite her for a girly visit/holiday where you can spend time together.

Your friend hasn't assumed that you'll visit her in Australia; you've said I’d planned to go and see her this year and we threw around some ideas for things to do at the weekends while we were there. Plans change, and you have the right to spend your limited holiday time as you like. But I think many of the replies here are unreasonable (and irresponsible) in urging you to be angry with and resentful of your friend.

I wouldn't say that her expressing enjoyment of people from home (including but not limited to you) visiting her is "manipulative" or constitutes a "guilt trip", especially when she had no idea that you were planning to cancel your trip. From the way you've described the situation - she was happy that you were coming but warning you she'll be busy, rather than planning to take time off to spend with you - I'd have guessed that she thinks it suits you (and your son) to go to Australia on holiday and stay with her. I would NOT tell her now that your son hasn't enjoyed past trips and you've chosen another trip instead. Just tell her the facts as they impact her: you're not coming this year.

Do you know if she has told anyone else how much she is struggling? It sounds like her job is her main local touchpoint and she may be under a lot of pressure to act as if all is normal there. This could contribute to her thinking that her friends back home are her only respite. I would encourage her to get some local help ASAP; even if it's "just" calling a hotline and finding out what resources are available. How about a local support group? Resources via her job that she can access confidentially? If there is someone she can confide in face to face that would be ideal; seeing a therapist should be a priority. If she can't or won't see someone local there are remote options. And ideally, she should let her family know what is going on IF there is anyone who would be able to support her there.

Being in Australia may exacerbate her problems, but it hasn't caused them, and going home - while it may put her in a better situation to get help - won't fix them. She has to commit to getting herself effective help, and follow through with it. If you're able to speak with her regularly, help her plan, and keep her accountable that could be helpful (maybe set up a scheduled periodic "check in" since you've had trouble connecting due to time diff, etc.) but don't underestimate the time commitment and the toll that may take on you and don't commit to more than you can do.

If you are the only one she has told, the best and most important thing may be to encourage her to tell someone else, whether that's a professional or a family member or both. Giving her the impression that you'll "be there for her" in a more robust way will do more harm than good if you're not sure you can follow through. She needs to have a realistic view of what to expect right now.

I think you may have misread the post.

Slightlyfurther is not disputing that professionals can help.

If somebody is genuinely 'not in their right mind' that is not a problem that can be solved by friends and family.

Friends and family also can't cure cancer.

Suicide prevention does work, just because it doesn’t work all the time doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t try.

People die of cancer despite receiving treatment for it all the time- should we not bother to treat anyone then?

Mental illness is treatable and most suicides are preventable, if someone stops and takes a moment to give a shit. Suicide survivors say that they didn’t really want to die, they were just so desperate and not in their right minds.

To say that we shouldn’t do anything to help these people is awful.

Prioritise your son. It is terribly sad that your friend is struggling but you can still be a good friend to her without visiting her this year.

Can you just tell her you need to move the dates and go to both? A different week might work better for her with work.

I have also lost people to suicide, and I have people around me who spent many years leaping into action at repeated suicidal ideation only for that person to die by suicide anyway, after a decade of people running themselves ragged to try to keep them alive, being held hostage by suicide threats. I also have a friend whose parents both died by suicide when he was a teenager. He found them.

Ultimately, I do not think it is the job of someone’s friends and family to prevent suicide, and generally it’s simply not possible, anyway. If you’re a professional, you have a different role, obviously.

I would always prioritise my child over anyone for any reason.

The friend needs professional, local help now. The visit in a few months a time isn’t going to be the thing that keeps her alive if she’s having a mental health crisis now and the OP cannot be made responsible for her friends mental health

I never said for OP to take her child there.

We are all responsible for taking steps to prevent someone’s suicide. Are you being serious? If someone tells you that they plan to kill themselves, you must take steps to prevent it. You tell the police, tell their family, a friend- someone. You call Life Line with them. You ask them if they have made a plan yet. If they say yes, ask them what is that plan? This will tell you how much time you have to help them. These questions and intervention literally saves people’s lives.

I am trained in suicide prevention and psychological first aid. I have lost people I love to suicide and it is heartbreaking.

When someone tells you they have thought about suicide, you don’t brush it under the rug and say ‘well that’s your choice’. You help them.

And the police absolutely will do a welfare check. They can also get the CAT team to make contact with the person, talk to them and get them help. They also have a legal obligation to inform next of kin.

Talk of suicide should be taken very seriously and acted upon quickly. Go on whatever holiday you like, just help your fkn friend before she kills herself.

@beAsensible1 the trip the son wants to go on is with OP’s mum friends and kids, so not something her ex would go on.
And her friend doesn’t even have annual leave for the time OP is due to be in Australia, so she’s unlikely to be bored.

In my experience, people who are genuinely going to take their own lives just do it. Those who tell you about it generally don't. Yes it's a cry for help, but you can't have that weight for other people.

You should never, ever, ever feel responsible for someone else's mental health. I've been there. I've had a few different people who've leant heavily on me to the point that I was going round there in the middle of the night, or they'd turn up at my door, or they'd be texting/calling all the time demanding my attention - and it was horrific for my family.

You have to put yourself and your family first. Be there for her as much as you can/want to, but don't take responsibility for her. Ultimately, there is help out there. If she's feeling this way she needs to see her GP who will refer her to the right kind of help.

But you cannot take the weight of your life and hers. You need to tell her you're not going ASAP.

Can you ask your sons dad to take him on the other trip and you go see your friend alone? It’s not your responsibility but she’s your friend and I personally would be doing everything to get over there, sooner rather than later. I would then take the opportunity to speak to her about moving home to get some support.
If you can’t do this then maybe speak to her family? She has told you she’s suicidal, listen to it.

You are not responsible for your friends happiness, or for her life. You were right to prioritise your son. Tell her asap and you could suggest she comes to visit you. If she is depressed, she will need to take action, not you. A trip from you will make her temporarily feel better, but the cause of the depression will still be there. She’ll need to find mental health support and/or make changes in her life. Please be there for her as much as you reasonably can be, but enjoy your child friendly holiday, without feeling guilty.

It is ultimately the woman herself’s decision as to whether to end her life. That’s not unsympathetic, it’s acknowledging that the OP, even if she lived next door, cannot and should not take responsibility for trying to keep someone from suicide. A police welfare check will only establish whether or not she’s died. Absolutely the OP can demonstrate her continuing commitment to the friendship, but she can’t drag her child to the other side of the world because of someone else’s suicidal ideation.

You sound like a good friend. Which is hard when you live so far apart.
But I don't think a quick visit would make much difference to her mental health.
Not if she is at the point of talking about suicide. She needs to see a professional for help and make changes that make her feel better.
Obviously moving back to the UK sounds like a good move. But never that simple.
Are you in a position to mention your concerns to her family?