Marriage based on a lie

OP first, as other posters have noted, it was extremely naive to have believed him, when he was living with his pregnant girlfriend when you got together. That is a pretty questionable set-up, even if what he said had been true. And you chose to decide that this questionable man would make a good life partner and father to your children. So you cant blame him entirely for those things.

Second - rather than think “he ruined my life”, look at the good things you have - your children.

Third - moving on and living your best life is best way forward. Deal with the divorce, then dont let him drag you down anymore, reclaim your life. Good luck OP.

Women shouldn’t be waiting to catch men out all the time

Sadly, the evidence shows time and time again that there are a lot of men who want to have their cake and eat it, and like to build another warm nest before leaving the old one.

I don't think you should be victim blamed for being in this situation, as the fault lies with the lying, cheating man for lying and cheating, but hopefully you might learn a bit from it about red flags, as well as the hard lesson that if you do choose a bad 'un, the system and the law won't come to your rescue or punish them.

Oh come on OP, he was literally living with a woman he got pregnant and you somehow believed this was the result of a one off shag? I wouldn’t call him a master manipulator here, he was probably in disbelief you believed that

So he was actually living with his pregnant girlfriend which he said was irrelevant because it was a one night stand and basically her fault she got pregnant. Which you thought sounded honest and honourable and he would make a great husband and father to your own child. Is that right?

No, but also if something walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…

They were living together when you met. She was pregnant. Let me get this right, you believed him when he says they’d only slept together once? That is naivety in the extreme!

Could it go against you in court that you posted on here?
There's no proof of who you are unless your username is your actual name?!

If he's dishonest and abusive then by all means tell the court. But the fact he had another partner and cheated with you isn't illegal, nor is it that uncommon. They won't penalise him for it.

I had those feelings too when I was divorcing my abusive exh. Somehow, once it was all done and signed off those feeling went away and I realised I take pleasure in knowing I'm a decent human being and he isn't. His life has got even more messy since we split and mine has gone up and up and up. The kids no longer speak to him and life is calm and peaceful. That (and blocking him on everything) was all the revenge I needed really.

It isn’t fair, but the courts absolutely do not police behaviour until it crosses over the well defined line to become criminal or unlawful. If you think about it practically that is the only way they could possibly work.

I’m sorry you are going through this, please do focus on your own future. People who treat everyone badly generally do pay for it in the end, but you are not going to be the one to achieve that and you would most likely waste your own life and happiness trying. The best revenge is a life well lived 💕

Have you seen a solicitor OP.
Going to court is very expensive. I was advised to avoid it if possible.
I appreciate it may be necessary but in many cases the divorce is completed online, a consent order (outlining asset split & ongoing payments drafted by solicitors), both approved in court with no presence of the couple required. If you go down this route you have to negotiate & agree between yourselves how to split any money and who looks after the children when. A mediator can be employed for the negotiations but isn’t necessary.
You have been treated very badly but you need to put that to one side and focus on fighting for what you want re assets (if there are any) and the DC.

Honestly, it really doesn’t. I know somebody who nearly killed his wife literally had her by the throat hanging out of a window fully intended for her to die.
He still got 50-50 of the assets And see’s the children as when he can be bothered.
Whether they nearly murdered the mother or not, apparently there’s no reflection on them as a father

Divorce isn’t an adversarial criminal case. Unless your financial and or child arrangements are complex, you won’t go in person to family court. It is a paper exercise. There isn’t a guilty party and there isn’t a summing up apportioning blame.
I have divorced a manipulative violent liar. My best advice is to not look back. Don’t look to do anything negative or it will eat you up. Hold you head high and move forward.

The advice to manage your own feelings about this is the healthiest thing for you. If you make your happiness dependent on his downfall/humiliation you will never move on.

Recognise your part in this. Naive? Willing to overlook the bleeding obvious that another woman and child were affected by your relationship with him? You have a part to play here. I'm not trying to punish you, but unless you accept your weakness in being with him here, you could do this again. Be better, be stronger. That means examining yourself. Hundreds of men are like this. Don't allow it. That means changing you, not him

Most dickheads get away with being dickheads their entire lives. All you can do is remove yourself from the situation.
The judge is just there to end the marriage, not to listen to all of the grievances and come to a conclusion as to who was at fault. Imagine how long that would take for every single divorce?

I think everyone here acknowledges that he's a dickhead but sadly it's not against the law.

I think people are unclear as to what form you think that ‘taking responsibility’ should take, in terms of the divorce? What outcome are you looking for? Is it just that you want him to get a telling off from the judge? I don’t think that would actually mean he was ‘taking responsibility’, he’d just ignore it.
So do you want him to be punished somehow? And if so, in what form? Financially?

You get your revenge - if that’s what you want - by dusting yourself off and making a good life for yourself without him. You get closure by accepting what happened, including your own part in it. You will never get it from him, or from any “acknowledgement”. Either he acknowledges what he did or he doesn’t. No third party pronouncement (such as a court finding, which will never occur as part of any divorce, financial or childcare proceedings) would make a difference to that anyway.

Therapy can be very helpful in resolving difficult feelings at the end of a relationship. I know, I’ve been there. I now get on well with my ex (who cheated on and left me for a friend) and we co-parent well. Has she ever acknowledged that she cheated on me, broke me to the point I thought I’d never get back up, and caused me to lose my home? No. I managed to accept it and move on and I have a good life now. You can do the same. Everything you need for that is within you.

While I agree that he is a liar, cheat and idiot, you also need to own your part in this mess.

“We’re not together anymore, we’re just living together while we sort things out” is one of the oldest lies in the book.

You chose to get involved with a man who was in a messy situation where he was still living with his “ex” who was pregnant and yet you decided that’s the situation you want to get involved in and have a baby? You should not be getting involved with such a man until there is a clean clear break and preferably after some time so it’s clear that they have both moved on. Yes he love-bombed you but you also saw all the red flags and messy situation and dove right in.

You seem to be looking for ways to hurt him in revenge through the courts, but your priority should be focusing on how you can move on with your child. As others have said the court will be looking to split assets and decide what is best for the child not punish him for lying and cheating.

What are you hoping the courts will do to punish him? Give you sole access to the child? Give you a larger share of assets as punishment for his cheating? Jail him?

LOL. Even if he had told the truth, you were ok with a man leaving his pregnant wife for yoy? Jesus wept.

No, it won't make a difference in court.

@Strongerthanyesterdaynow

I'm assuming you're in the UK so divorce is 'no fault'. That means that there are no 'grounds' for divorce such as cruelty, adultery, etc. It's simply "I don't want to be married to this person anymore". No so, his lies will not be taken into account in any financial settlement if that's what you're asking. Nor will he have to stand up in court and acknowledge his behaviour.

As far as whether or not abuse is considered in the financial settlement or not, that's complicated. Usually not, but there can be extreme circumstances in which it is. But there must be documentation from the police or other recognized DV agencies. You saying it happened won't be enough.

As a PP mentioned, the issue of child access may be affected, but again, there must be documented proof. And IIRC there must have been incidents involving and/or witnessed by the child.

You really need to speak to a solicitor to know if what you've experienced will be taken into account.