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Original poster

Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

410 replies

AurumVox · 25/05/2025 23:12

Hi…I really need some advice if possible as I can’t tell if it’s me having an issue with my mums new partner because it’s new or whether I should be genuinely worried.

To give some context, I’m 41/F, my mum is 68. We lost our dad (step father who raised us) 3 years ago and my mum has started dating a guy (73) over the last 6 months. I met him this week as I live about 200 miles away so I’m visiting currently.

I want to start off by saying the huge amount of relief I felt when I found out that mum had met somebody, although it was hard and different I actively encouraged it as I knew how much mum was missing my stepdad who she was with for 31 years, I also worry a lot being so far away so to know that she’s been so happy and that she’s spending time enjoying her self has been the biggest relief.

In the first few months of them dating mum was really quite overwhelmed as she’s very independent, has a great network of friends and stays very busy. The guy she’s started dating is very intense and was wanting to spend all of his time with her so she was finding it hard to balance all the other commitments. I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago. So I put a lot into talking things through with mum and encouraging her to communicate with him about how she was feeling etc.

About 3 weeks ago mum travelled up to stay with me and I looked after her dog while she went to her place in Crete, while she was staying he was calling her 4 x a day which I thought was a lot! Didn’t say anything though. She said this was normal for him. That he wanted to spend all of his time with her which she didn’t want. She had also said previously that lots of people disliked him because he often says the wrong thing and could be taken as rude / abrupt etc, that perhaps he was slightly lacked social skills. I again said well you know him in a different way so go with the your gut. They met through a solo group of which some of the members have apparently warned mum off him.
They get on great, and she’s said recently she’s totally fallen for him. My mum I would say is a very independent, intelligent, wise lady…so I would never have questioned her choice.

I met him this week, a couple of times now and he has been so rude to me that it was uncomfortable, for myself and for mum. The first time I let it go thinking maybe he’s nervous etc. but the 2nd time was pretty awful. I didn’t want to make a big deal and thought I’d wait for mum to bring it up which she did after he’d gone, saying she’d never seen him behave that rudely towards anybody before. I was surprised I managed not to react but instead I think I just froze and didn’t know what to do.

I also noticed he corrects her all the time and they have this constant ‘banter’ as mum calls it, where they almost argue who is right. To the onlooker it comes across as him telling her she’s wrong about everything. He also has the code to her key safe on the house. When we arrived back from mum staying with me he had let himself in and left her flowers and cooked a meal for us which was left in the fridge - which was a lovely gesture it just felt strange, like he’s totally love bombing her.

I’ve seriously wracked my brain over whether my issue is one of my own - am I still grieving, am I feeling possessive, I’ve gone over and over the mum deserves to be happy and so on. But my gut just can’t get past the way he spoke to me and how he is with her. I actually feel like a petulant child about it (which I hate!)…am I reading too much into it? Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage?! I simply don’t like him and I feel like I’m really trying to.

It’s hard because I obviously miss my stepdad terribly and its weird somebody else being here but I’m highly aware it’s her house, her life, she needs and deserves to be happy (which I want for her more than anything else) and at the end of the day my opinion doesn’t and shouldn’t matter (much).
It’s been strange because I’ve barely seen her and since I’ve been back she’s been over at his or stayed over there and when she’s been here she’s exhausted so our time has been limited. I’ve taken time off from work to come down and spend time with her and I’m pretty much just here doing very little.

I really don’t know what to do. Should I put my feelings aside despite what I feel are red flags? Or should I keep sharing my concerns which is making it really difficult?

Any advice or opinions would be welcomed - I’m realistic and if I’m coming across as bratty then I’m open to that too! I just want an outside non emotional perspective I guess?

OP posts:
PollyHutchen · 26/05/2025 12:50

NewMoonToday · 26/05/2025 12:18

I think it's more nuanced than this although I agree with some of it.

I've a slightly different perspective on it simply because I'm their age.

He does sound too full-on but I don't think that necessarily means he's 'evil' or is ND (although he could be.)

He is of the generation where many men were controlling and the 'boss' of the household especially if their wives didn't have professional careers and were reliant on their husbands for everything. And if his late wife was in poor health for decades, he probably took control of everything.

He sounds too needy and is clearly keen to replace his late wife with another woman, but he lacks the finesse to judge how to do this- not unusual for a man born 73 years ago and who'd not dated for 50-odd years.

I don't see the conversation OP described as rude. Depending on the tone (and that's important) all he said was he couldn't tell them anything about the areas as they already knew it. This could be said in a jokey way or a petulant way.
Likewise, the lecture on trams V buses- he may simply have been trying to make conversation and he became 'enthused' over the differences.

Hard to say without hearing it first hand.

Your Mum needs to slow it down, regardless.

Maybe he's ace in bed- there's got to be something that's attracting her!

Show quote history

My partner is 76 and wouldn't dream of behaving in that dreadful way. They are men who grew up with second wave feminism/the rise of Women's Liberation.

Duvetsse · 26/05/2025 12:41

I think this is the first time a thread should be sent.
Your mum needs to read that so many feel she is in danger.

You need to make it clear to her that you messed up by dismissing her concerns.

You hadn't even met him, which is most bizarre.

Rectify it with real honest urgency.

PenAndPapyrus · 26/05/2025 12:37

Watch “Dirty John” together, without her boyfriend, on an account he and your mum don’t have access to.

DrDameKatyDeniseInExile · 26/05/2025 12:23

More red flags than May Day in Moscow. It sounds very like he’s trying to isolate her. And it sounds like she is financially well off and he’s already got the key code to her house? You need to do something but also tread carefully. It sounds as though your mum is also intelligent and independent but that doesn’t mean she can’t be hoodwinked.

NewMoonToday · 26/05/2025 12:18

lifeonmars100 · 26/05/2025 11:48

I am sorry about your stepdad, it sounds like he was a lovely man and of course his death has left a huge gap in your mum's life and of course yours too.
Now to this man, your post was so thoughtful and caring about your mum, it is great that she has you looking out for her and caring about her happiness and wellbeing. He sounds awful, sorry to be so blunt, but he is doing all the classic things, love bombing, pushing boundaries and starting to isolate her. If she is too tired to spend quality time with you after being with him then that is him starting to unravel your bond, if he is engaging in "banter" then he is pushing to see how far he can go at this stage in the relationship and if he was immediately rude to you then that is him marking his territory. Your mum needs to get rid asap. Hard to do now but it will be worse if he stays

I think it's more nuanced than this although I agree with some of it.

I've a slightly different perspective on it simply because I'm their age.

He does sound too full-on but I don't think that necessarily means he's 'evil' or is ND (although he could be.)

He is of the generation where many men were controlling and the 'boss' of the household especially if their wives didn't have professional careers and were reliant on their husbands for everything. And if his late wife was in poor health for decades, he probably took control of everything.

He sounds too needy and is clearly keen to replace his late wife with another woman, but he lacks the finesse to judge how to do this- not unusual for a man born 73 years ago and who'd not dated for 50-odd years.

I don't see the conversation OP described as rude. Depending on the tone (and that's important) all he said was he couldn't tell them anything about the areas as they already knew it. This could be said in a jokey way or a petulant way.
Likewise, the lecture on trams V buses- he may simply have been trying to make conversation and he became 'enthused' over the differences.

Hard to say without hearing it first hand.

Your Mum needs to slow it down, regardless.

Maybe he's ace in bed- there's got to be something that's attracting her!

Canshehavewaferthinham · 26/05/2025 12:00

AurumVox · 26/05/2025 02:06

See, mum actually thinks he is on the spectrum and that’s how she is excusing his behaviour. I didn’t want to put that as I absolutely agree that being autistic does not make or excuse those behaviours. But this is exactly what she has been putting it down to.
On the flip side he is telling her he recognises that he ‘f things up’ all the time, that he’s trying really hard and running things past her before he writes in the group WhatsApp messages to the group they met in etc, which also just doesn’t add up. He’s obviously aware and has some control over it.

Show quote history

Cassandra Syndrome is real unfortunately and can be pretty awful (I havePTSD from some things my ASD ex did, without ill-intent but the results are the same).

Have a look at the dating someone with autism threads OP.

lifeonmars100 · 26/05/2025 11:48

I am sorry about your stepdad, it sounds like he was a lovely man and of course his death has left a huge gap in your mum's life and of course yours too.
Now to this man, your post was so thoughtful and caring about your mum, it is great that she has you looking out for her and caring about her happiness and wellbeing. He sounds awful, sorry to be so blunt, but he is doing all the classic things, love bombing, pushing boundaries and starting to isolate her. If she is too tired to spend quality time with you after being with him then that is him starting to unravel your bond, if he is engaging in "banter" then he is pushing to see how far he can go at this stage in the relationship and if he was immediately rude to you then that is him marking his territory. Your mum needs to get rid asap. Hard to do now but it will be worse if he stays

Bethany83 · 26/05/2025 11:48

Don't get bogged down by all the other stuff about grieving, wanting your mum to be happy etc.
Keep it simple, you have met him, he was rude to you twice and seems to put your mum down and her friends have also warned him. He doesn't sound great and I hope your mum can move on from him... She also needs to change the key code when she does.

HRTQueen · 26/05/2025 11:38

I would be straight forward with your mum

reminding her that from day one people warned her off him

and also that we can all fall for charm and not see what is right in front of us, you don’t want your mum feeling foolish she isn’t she just met the wrong person at the wrong time

Dawninglory · 26/05/2025 11:37

I agree with others OP,
He was rude to you as he is jealous of your close relationship with your Mum. He is overbearing and she definitely should not visit his wife's grave today that is too much. He knew you were visiting for a week but has not left you two alone for very long, the biggest red flag for me.🚩🚩🚩

Smokesandeats · 26/05/2025 11:34

@AurumVox in your situation, I think you need to be brutally honest with your mother without actually saying that you think he’s an asshole. Tell her gently that you really don’t like him and believe she should end the relationship. You can explain why by saying everything in your first post about him being a walking red flag. There’s absolutely no excuse for him to be so unpleasant or rude to any of your Mum’s friends and family, whether he’s autistic of not. Deep down your Mum already knows he horrible but I assume she’s scared to be on her own. Tell her to read ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft and to change the code to her door.

ButItWasNotYourFaultButMine · 26/05/2025 11:31

I would be incredibly worried. THere is some very good advice on here about how to approach a conversation and I hope you get on that quickly.

Even if he is on the spectrum, that's no excuse for controlling, rude behaviour.

Letstheriveranswer · 26/05/2025 11:30

Lesleyann25 · 26/05/2025 10:06

He sounds narcissistic and I have read that they get worse as they get older. I have what I would consider a narcissistic ex and he was a nightmare.

Show quote history

Yes, whatever peoples' most extreme traits are tend to come out stronger as they age.

Wheresthebeach · 26/05/2025 11:27

Your right to be worried. He's controlling and his rudeness will alienate everyone around your Mum so she's isolated. That's the whole point. Autistic or not, this isn't a healthy relationship and I'd be very worried for her emotional health and finances. It's really difficult, but you probably need to talk to her about your concerns.

NewMoonToday · 26/05/2025 11:25

Musclewoman · 26/05/2025 11:21

He sounds like a controlling bully who gets angry unless people hang on to his every word...what a vile man!
I hope you manage to talk your mum out of this one, he's clearly bad news.

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I think that's a bit of an exaggeration. Many older men become very fixed in their opinions and possibly don't realise they are overbearing.
I agree he sounds suspect but think 'bullying' is too strong a term.

NJC7 · 26/05/2025 11:24

My advice (as someone who works in a certain field that this relates to) is to extend your stay! You mention wanting to go back to Manchester as it’s become awkward. Have a think about how he will feel about that? Delighted I imagine! This is how isolation happens (of your mum). He’s made things uncomfortable and as a result you leave which means Mum is left to be further influenced by him and now there’s distance created in your relationship with her.
You know that old saying “keep your enemies close…” use it! X

NewMoonToday · 26/05/2025 11:23

@AurumVox I hope you can come back and answer some questions.

  • Does this man have grown up children too? Has your mum met them if he has?
  • Is there a big difference in their wealth? (Your mum owns a home in Crete too?)
  • Why is he living in her area - he moved 3 years ago and his wife died after 18 months - (she's buried 3 hours away.) Why did he relocate at 70?

Seriously, is he after her money?

She is very naive to allow him access to her home when she's away- she doesn't know him from Adam after only 6 months.

echt · 26/05/2025 11:23

ilovesushi · 26/05/2025 11:15

He sounds awful and your mum sounds lovely. She also sounds like a woman who without this man already has a very full life. I'm not sure why you talked her down/ minimised her initial concerns about him. Why would you want to influence her over a situation where you knew nothing about the other person? Maybe back off from passing opinion and give her space to talk and think about what is going on and what she wants. He does sound very bad news though, so I would be worried.

Where did the OP minimise her initial concerns?

Read the OP's posts.

Musclewoman · 26/05/2025 11:21

AurumVox · 25/05/2025 23:35

The first time I met him was Tuesday and he’d just joined us to walk the dog. He’s not from here but moved to the area around 3 years ago. He’d been for a walk with mum previously and was telling me about a nice local walk I should try and I said nicely, well I actually grew up here and it is beautiful and his response was. “There really isn’t anything I can tell you or your mother that you don’t already know is there?”. I thought that was odd.
We went for a day shopping on Friday and on the way there he started talking about trams vs buses (seems random I know), and how trams weren’t financially viable compared to buses. I live in a city up north so was trying to explain how each cater to different needs/speeds/route etc and about three times he cut over me telling me I wasn’t listening to him, I wasn’t getting his point, I want understanding him. I wasn’t being rude at all just literally explaining how the systems are used in a city (nicely!).
May seem very trivial but at the time it felt very aggressive really. @PebbleDashAtOne

Show quote history

He sounds like a controlling bully who gets angry unless people hang on to his every word...what a vile man!
I hope you manage to talk your mum out of this one, he's clearly bad news.

ilovesushi · 26/05/2025 11:15

He sounds awful and your mum sounds lovely. She also sounds like a woman who without this man already has a very full life. I'm not sure why you talked her down/ minimised her initial concerns about him. Why would you want to influence her over a situation where you knew nothing about the other person? Maybe back off from passing opinion and give her space to talk and think about what is going on and what she wants. He does sound very bad news though, so I would be worried.

Seventree · 26/05/2025 11:10

I'd actually be really annoyed if my mum let her partner talk to me like that. I certainly wouldn't be pretending all was fine, it's not ok for her to bring someone rude into her friends' or family's life.

Hopefully if people (especially you as her daughter) make it clear that you won't put up with him being rude, she'll end things. He sounds horrible as a partner and not someone I'd want my mum to be with, but obviously that's ultimately her choice.

Mulletgirl · 26/05/2025 11:06

Mopsy567 · 26/05/2025 03:38

I agree with the other posters. He doesn't seem like someone who is good for your mum.

It is important to focus on how this relationship is actually impacting your mother. From what you suggest, she is overwhelmed by it as he is so intense, she is exhausted as he dominates her time, she is excusing his behaviours so knows that they are not right, she is beginning to be isolated from family as she is not spending time with you even though you have come to visit and won't be there long. These are all negative changes that are not too different to how victims of abuse might feel. This is different to the way you formerly described her as independent, social etc.

I would definitely speak to her. She may not be familiar with love bombing and may really want companionship but this guy does seem like he is changing who she is in a negative way - I am surprised she couldn't say no to his 6 hour round trip to visit his wife's grave. It's not a romantic trip at all and I would be wondering if he is trying to keep you away from her.

I wouldn't be shortening your visit OP. If anything, I would stay as long as I needed to find out more about him and to gently speak to your mother about your concerns. If there is a sibling or friend nearby to check in regularly with your mother when you eventually do go back, that might be helpful.

Edited

I agree with this.

Importantly she is speaking out and not in denial (even though she may currently be excusing) - seize this opportunity.

This is impacting every part of her life. She already had a big busy social life and if she stays with this guy that will collapse as others wont want him (or their bickering / banter) around. This has happened to my friend. She needs to know this. Has he changed his behaviour by contacting her 4x a day etc or what ever it was she found overwhelming - because she needs to know he is not adapting or respecting her boundaries.

Did she go off o Crete on her own?

You need to know what the solo group are saying - maybe they are being polite to your Mum - this is a HUUUUGGGEE red flag.

Your Mum doesnt need this person in her life - she has supportive friendships and family.

Do lots of research on coervice and controlling relationships - and educate her on the subtlties which are a deep trap. Get her to think how she feels and if she is confused or unsettled its a NO and a boundary.

He has to go - I would be very blunt with her. I would not be in his company.

Its early days so go in hard.

GreenCandleWax · 26/05/2025 11:04

MarySueSaidBoo · 26/05/2025 08:52

He's already controlling her from what you've described. So getting her to see your concerns isn't going to be easy, and for that reason alone I'd talk to a professional about it before you start to raise your concerns to her. This may not be a simple fix, and he sounds incredibly intense.

But time does seem to be of the essence here. I agree with other posters that he is moving very fast, so no time to waste. OP should tackle this as soon and as bluntly as possible with her DM. It will be hard for her to see her on her own, though presumably OP is staying in DM's house. Perhaps the man is trying to exhaust DM so she won't have the energy to talk in the evening, when he is finally not there(or does he stay over?). Really worrying.

Communitywebbing · 26/05/2025 11:01

I'm not sure what you can do OP except make sure you stay close to your mum and keeping talking. Be open to hearing anything she wants to say about her partner, good or bad. Don't directly criticise him but draw her attention to what is going on by saying things like 'I'd really to have a day with just you when I come down, can we arrange that now? Last time I didn't see as much of you as I'd hoped.' 'Gosh, is that another text from John? Is he always this communicative?'
She's your mum, you're close, don't be pushed away.

Conkersinautumn · 26/05/2025 10:51

Even before the nasty rudeness and over the top indications just that she's independent and he is cloying would be me saying they just don't click. Plus friends warning her off. Definitely uh uh. That's a no. Time to run, not walk!

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