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Original poster

Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

410 replies

AurumVox · 25/05/2025 23:12

Hi…I really need some advice if possible as I can’t tell if it’s me having an issue with my mums new partner because it’s new or whether I should be genuinely worried.

To give some context, I’m 41/F, my mum is 68. We lost our dad (step father who raised us) 3 years ago and my mum has started dating a guy (73) over the last 6 months. I met him this week as I live about 200 miles away so I’m visiting currently.

I want to start off by saying the huge amount of relief I felt when I found out that mum had met somebody, although it was hard and different I actively encouraged it as I knew how much mum was missing my stepdad who she was with for 31 years, I also worry a lot being so far away so to know that she’s been so happy and that she’s spending time enjoying her self has been the biggest relief.

In the first few months of them dating mum was really quite overwhelmed as she’s very independent, has a great network of friends and stays very busy. The guy she’s started dating is very intense and was wanting to spend all of his time with her so she was finding it hard to balance all the other commitments. I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago. So I put a lot into talking things through with mum and encouraging her to communicate with him about how she was feeling etc.

About 3 weeks ago mum travelled up to stay with me and I looked after her dog while she went to her place in Crete, while she was staying he was calling her 4 x a day which I thought was a lot! Didn’t say anything though. She said this was normal for him. That he wanted to spend all of his time with her which she didn’t want. She had also said previously that lots of people disliked him because he often says the wrong thing and could be taken as rude / abrupt etc, that perhaps he was slightly lacked social skills. I again said well you know him in a different way so go with the your gut. They met through a solo group of which some of the members have apparently warned mum off him.
They get on great, and she’s said recently she’s totally fallen for him. My mum I would say is a very independent, intelligent, wise lady…so I would never have questioned her choice.

I met him this week, a couple of times now and he has been so rude to me that it was uncomfortable, for myself and for mum. The first time I let it go thinking maybe he’s nervous etc. but the 2nd time was pretty awful. I didn’t want to make a big deal and thought I’d wait for mum to bring it up which she did after he’d gone, saying she’d never seen him behave that rudely towards anybody before. I was surprised I managed not to react but instead I think I just froze and didn’t know what to do.

I also noticed he corrects her all the time and they have this constant ‘banter’ as mum calls it, where they almost argue who is right. To the onlooker it comes across as him telling her she’s wrong about everything. He also has the code to her key safe on the house. When we arrived back from mum staying with me he had let himself in and left her flowers and cooked a meal for us which was left in the fridge - which was a lovely gesture it just felt strange, like he’s totally love bombing her.

I’ve seriously wracked my brain over whether my issue is one of my own - am I still grieving, am I feeling possessive, I’ve gone over and over the mum deserves to be happy and so on. But my gut just can’t get past the way he spoke to me and how he is with her. I actually feel like a petulant child about it (which I hate!)…am I reading too much into it? Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage?! I simply don’t like him and I feel like I’m really trying to.

It’s hard because I obviously miss my stepdad terribly and its weird somebody else being here but I’m highly aware it’s her house, her life, she needs and deserves to be happy (which I want for her more than anything else) and at the end of the day my opinion doesn’t and shouldn’t matter (much).
It’s been strange because I’ve barely seen her and since I’ve been back she’s been over at his or stayed over there and when she’s been here she’s exhausted so our time has been limited. I’ve taken time off from work to come down and spend time with her and I’m pretty much just here doing very little.

I really don’t know what to do. Should I put my feelings aside despite what I feel are red flags? Or should I keep sharing my concerns which is making it really difficult?

Any advice or opinions would be welcomed - I’m realistic and if I’m coming across as bratty then I’m open to that too! I just want an outside non emotional perspective I guess?

OP posts:
IloveLemurs · 27/05/2025 01:30

This feels like its coercive control brewing.

S0j0urn4r · 27/05/2025 01:02

He just seems to be trying to isolate her from everyone.

SpryCat · 26/05/2025 23:22

That does sound positive

Original poster
AurumVox · 26/05/2025 23:13

PonyPatter44 · 26/05/2025 19:28

Does your mum still go to the social group, with or without him? Could you encourage her to keep going, and to try and build a friendship with the people who originally warned her off? If it's U3A, is there a talk or something this week that you could go along with her (or them), and see if you can speak to the friends under the guise of getting to know mums friends?

@PonyPatter44Yes she does still go, and that’s the group…unfortunately he goes as well but she also goes to some of the talks and the coffee meets without him sometimes I think. We did talk about this earlier as I’d mentioned about some of the group disliking him and having warned her of him. I did say to her you need to make sure you keep going even if he ends up leaving the group…and she had actually said she told him that whilst they are there it’s to be treated as though they aren’t together as she said he was with her all the time and it had been awkward as she wasn’t getting to speak to others, so she’s called him out on that already which is positive.

OP posts:
Hopingtobeaparent · 26/05/2025 23:08

S0j0urn4r · 26/05/2025 00:52

And change the door code.

Oh, yes, this too!!

Original poster
AurumVox · 26/05/2025 23:03

Hopingtobeaparent · 26/05/2025 23:00

Don’t know how to edit my post once posted.

The Freedom programme have an online course for £12 that educates on the different types of abusive behaviours, gives examples of the bad, unhealthy behaviours, but importantly the good, healthy alternatives. This may be helpful to either go through and see which you observe from him yourself, and what you’ve heard, or ideally, for your mum to go through it, and for her to recognise them. Then she needs to deal with him. That’ll be really hard too, but there is support out there for this sort of thing.

Show quote history

@Hopingtobeaparent thank you so much.

OP posts:
Hopingtobeaparent · 26/05/2025 23:00

Hopingtobeaparent · 26/05/2025 22:53

Kindly this. There are many red flags!! The calling 4 x a day alone is a massive one!

Tricky, as yes, it is her life, but if she’s an independent woman, she’s probably also smart enough to learn about abusive, controlling, behaviours, and healthy boundaries.

Raise it, but then you may just have to watch what might feel like a car crash in front of your eyes, and just be there for her for when it gets worse, or ends. Make sure she knows you are. If you keep raising it though, she may end up distancing from you, which is exactly what he wants.

Let’s hope he’s just a palette cleanser as it were, and she comes to her senses once the novelty has worn off enough to get rid and that he doesn’t get his claws on too much.

She needs to keep her self esteem in a good enough place, he’ll be chipping away at it, slowly trying to isolate her from her friends and hobbies as they’re all a threat to him and his very insecure ego, subtly making her feel guilty for doing her own thing, things without him…

Maybe raise it again later when/if you have enough evidence/examples/concerns and have seen changes in her for the worse, but it will be risky to keep doing so.

Not an easy one, I wish you all the best!

Show quote history

Don’t know how to edit my post once posted.

The Freedom programme have an online course for £12 that educates on the different types of abusive behaviours, gives examples of the bad, unhealthy behaviours, but importantly the good, healthy alternatives. This may be helpful to either go through and see which you observe from him yourself, and what you’ve heard, or ideally, for your mum to go through it, and for her to recognise them. Then she needs to deal with him. That’ll be really hard too, but there is support out there for this sort of thing.

Hopingtobeaparent · 26/05/2025 22:53

ReplacementBusService · 25/05/2025 23:49

Read back over your post.....read it again..... Why on earth do you think you're being unreasonable?

Your mum is an adult, it's up to her, but there's a lot wrong and her friends think so too.

Kindly this. There are many red flags!! The calling 4 x a day alone is a massive one!

Tricky, as yes, it is her life, but if she’s an independent woman, she’s probably also smart enough to learn about abusive, controlling, behaviours, and healthy boundaries.

Raise it, but then you may just have to watch what might feel like a car crash in front of your eyes, and just be there for her for when it gets worse, or ends. Make sure she knows you are. If you keep raising it though, she may end up distancing from you, which is exactly what he wants.

Let’s hope he’s just a palette cleanser as it were, and she comes to her senses once the novelty has worn off enough to get rid and that he doesn’t get his claws on too much.

She needs to keep her self esteem in a good enough place, he’ll be chipping away at it, slowly trying to isolate her from her friends and hobbies as they’re all a threat to him and his very insecure ego, subtly making her feel guilty for doing her own thing, things without him…

Maybe raise it again later when/if you have enough evidence/examples/concerns and have seen changes in her for the worse, but it will be risky to keep doing so.

Not an easy one, I wish you all the best!

GreenCandleWax · 26/05/2025 22:34

SpryCat · 26/05/2025 21:15

I have just reread some posts you wrote @AurumVox, you said you and mum had planned to go shopping, he said he was going to go shopping too, so you invited him to join you. He was making sure you both knew he would be there so you had no choice but to invite him. He will always try to drop in on days out planned for your mum and you/or friends and refuse to leave.
When he is rude or aggressive towards you, I would tell him, it is extremely rude to talk over someone in conversation. She’s making excuses for him, you’re not telling her how his rudeness is making you feel, so it gets swept under the carpet.
He doesn’t like anyone having a different view nor when he’s recommending somewhere and you know it already. He a big know it all, likes to shut people down and very rude.

Edited

Ths might hand him the excuse he would like to tell your DM you are no good, and drive a wedge between you, OP and DM. It needs careful handling if OP is to get him away from DM.

Tahlbias · 26/05/2025 22:30

I hope your mum makes the right choice and let's him go 🙏

NewMoonToday · 26/05/2025 21:25

I imagine that at 73 he thinks this is his last chance to find a woman.

Men do this so much- after a divorce or when widowed they can't bear to be alone.

Maybe his marriage wasn't happy either but as they became older and his late wife was unwell for years she probably couldn't bear the thought of divorcing him - maybe just accepted his behaviour to have a quiet life.

And now, since she's died, he's taking all the behaviour he got away with into a new relationship.

If this is her first relationship since your step-dad died, it's easy to see how she's fallen for someone.

I think if your Mum is up to it- and up for it- she and you compose a 'Dear John' letter and then use it to tell him why she's not going to carry on seeing him.

Maybe he needs to hear some home thruths.

SpryCat · 26/05/2025 21:15

I have just reread some posts you wrote @AurumVox, you said you and mum had planned to go shopping, he said he was going to go shopping too, so you invited him to join you. He was making sure you both knew he would be there so you had no choice but to invite him. He will always try to drop in on days out planned for your mum and you/or friends and refuse to leave.
When he is rude or aggressive towards you, I would tell him, it is extremely rude to talk over someone in conversation. She’s making excuses for him, you’re not telling her how his rudeness is making you feel, so it gets swept under the carpet.
He doesn’t like anyone having a different view nor when he’s recommending somewhere and you know it already. He a big know it all, likes to shut people down and very rude.

OPRM1919 · 26/05/2025 21:13

Reading this was hard.
10 years ago my DM, single for decades got into a relationship with a man who'd been widowed for 9 months. This man had literally never been alone. He love bombed my mum and wanted to be with her all the time.

At first my mum was totally swept away by it all - I couldn't get my head around how quickly
he'd moved on. I did some googling and it's pretty common for men of a certain age to find someone else so quickly. Once the dust had settled, I loved this man to bits and had a great relationship with him.

My own DM backed out of this relationship during Covid, they become more like friends and he passed away 2 years which was totally heartbreaking for me.

i really hope the man your own DM is with calms down as I can tell you just want your mum to be happy.

GreenCandleWax · 26/05/2025 21:11

AurumVox · 26/05/2025 15:40

Thank you. Yes everything has been tied up prior to my stepdads passing. They were really sensible with that side so it’s good not having to worry about that motive as well. Her new partner is also aware of this as well. You’re totally right, it’s important.

Show quote history

This would likely mean absolutely nothing if he marries her. Marriage invalidates former wills, so please take great care on this aspect too, as well as other aspects of DM's wellbeing. Could you discuss the relationship with her in terms of it being like a stepping stone out of grief for your stepdad, a temporary learning curve, and no reason why she can't cut her losses now, and move on from him.🌷

Oldieandgoldie · 26/05/2025 21:07

PLEASE NOTE

Changing the key safe code won’t help if he has already copied the key!

She may currently have an excellent watertight will/poa/finances etc, but she can change her mind (be persuaded to change her mind) at any time.

Hope all goes well.

Spacehop · 26/05/2025 20:24

NewMoonToday · 26/05/2025 13:07

It's a mix of personality and experiences that shape behaviour not simply age.
If you read the rest of my post I said he may have always been in control because his wife was ill / disabled for years.

My partner is 71 and he wouldn't behave like that but I know a man ( husband of extended family) who is 66 and is even worse than this man!

Edited
Show quote history

Who cares why he's like that? All that matters is he's bad news for the OP's mum.

Knackeredparquet · 26/05/2025 20:14

GiveDogBone · 26/05/2025 18:43

You say your mum is a “very intelligent, wise lady”, so why do you need to interfere in her choices (particularly at her age). Just because they are not choices you would make doesn’t mean they’re wrong.

But in this case her choice is wrong.

pinkdelight · 26/05/2025 20:08

I think him being rude and controlling is bad enough without him needing to be after her money. I think the latter is less likely but that doesn’t make him a good guy worth keeping. From the way everyone in the social group reacts, he’s clearly not a nice person with the mum’s best interests at heart. He can be incompatible for that without needing to be up to anything more nefarious.

Battyfumworts · 26/05/2025 20:06

I haven’t had chance to RTFT yet so not sure if it’s been mentioned, but people who have previously been in abusive relationships are much more likely to find themselves in another abusive relationship in the future. Also, he could easily have had a copy of the key made with having access to the key safe.

Bernardo1 · 26/05/2025 19:46

He's a Granny Rustler, pure and simple.

Note that wills can be changed and in the event of marriage, are null and void (U.K.)

CluelessAboutBiology · 26/05/2025 19:45

Is it just me who thinks it’s a coincidence that it’s his late wife’s birthday just at the same time OP is visiting? It’s yet another day that OP and her mum can’t spend together because OP’s mum probably feels (or is made to feel) that it would hard-hearted for her not to go with him.

Threestripesswoosh · 26/05/2025 19:38

Perhaps it’s been said already, but him being seemingly solvent absolutely doesn’t mean he won’t try to access her funds.

I would suggest this too to prevent fraud relating to her house.

www.gov.uk/protect-land-property-from-fraud#:~:text=You%20can%20stop%20HM%20Land,application%20was%20made%20by%20you.

GreatFish · 26/05/2025 19:30

It sounds very much like he's trying to make you feel uncomfortable and hoping it makes you leave.If he is like this constantly with other people as well he's trying to isolate your mum so she depends on him.A very narcissistic trait.

PonyPatter44 · 26/05/2025 19:28

Does your mum still go to the social group, with or without him? Could you encourage her to keep going, and to try and build a friendship with the people who originally warned her off? If it's U3A, is there a talk or something this week that you could go along with her (or them), and see if you can speak to the friends under the guise of getting to know mums friends?

PenguinLover24 · 26/05/2025 19:17

I've had a similar situation recently with my mum OP. My mum is a bit younger than yours but perhaps seen as vulnerable after losing her husband etc. Meets a man who was so confusing, even for me to read. One minute we'd all get on great and the next it was a disaster. Love bombed her lots of gifts and holidays etc but we would observe "banter" that was horrible and I used to say to her don't listen to his tone listen to the words because he would make everything sound like a joke but what he was saying was utterly disgusting. All of his family warned her off him, he was a walking red flag and anytime he did anything wrong he pulled the poor me card and said he knows he's a fuck up etc and he will try but he never did. I would have conversations with my mum about it and eventually I just told her straight that he was a narcissist and I see him as emotionally dangerous. He then started on me and trying to isolate her from our close relationship. Luckily she seen him for what he was and got rid. She has since found out more and basically everything he ever said was a complete lie!