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Original poster

Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

410 replies

AurumVox · 25/05/2025 23:12

Hi…I really need some advice if possible as I can’t tell if it’s me having an issue with my mums new partner because it’s new or whether I should be genuinely worried.

To give some context, I’m 41/F, my mum is 68. We lost our dad (step father who raised us) 3 years ago and my mum has started dating a guy (73) over the last 6 months. I met him this week as I live about 200 miles away so I’m visiting currently.

I want to start off by saying the huge amount of relief I felt when I found out that mum had met somebody, although it was hard and different I actively encouraged it as I knew how much mum was missing my stepdad who she was with for 31 years, I also worry a lot being so far away so to know that she’s been so happy and that she’s spending time enjoying her self has been the biggest relief.

In the first few months of them dating mum was really quite overwhelmed as she’s very independent, has a great network of friends and stays very busy. The guy she’s started dating is very intense and was wanting to spend all of his time with her so she was finding it hard to balance all the other commitments. I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago. So I put a lot into talking things through with mum and encouraging her to communicate with him about how she was feeling etc.

About 3 weeks ago mum travelled up to stay with me and I looked after her dog while she went to her place in Crete, while she was staying he was calling her 4 x a day which I thought was a lot! Didn’t say anything though. She said this was normal for him. That he wanted to spend all of his time with her which she didn’t want. She had also said previously that lots of people disliked him because he often says the wrong thing and could be taken as rude / abrupt etc, that perhaps he was slightly lacked social skills. I again said well you know him in a different way so go with the your gut. They met through a solo group of which some of the members have apparently warned mum off him.
They get on great, and she’s said recently she’s totally fallen for him. My mum I would say is a very independent, intelligent, wise lady…so I would never have questioned her choice.

I met him this week, a couple of times now and he has been so rude to me that it was uncomfortable, for myself and for mum. The first time I let it go thinking maybe he’s nervous etc. but the 2nd time was pretty awful. I didn’t want to make a big deal and thought I’d wait for mum to bring it up which she did after he’d gone, saying she’d never seen him behave that rudely towards anybody before. I was surprised I managed not to react but instead I think I just froze and didn’t know what to do.

I also noticed he corrects her all the time and they have this constant ‘banter’ as mum calls it, where they almost argue who is right. To the onlooker it comes across as him telling her she’s wrong about everything. He also has the code to her key safe on the house. When we arrived back from mum staying with me he had let himself in and left her flowers and cooked a meal for us which was left in the fridge - which was a lovely gesture it just felt strange, like he’s totally love bombing her.

I’ve seriously wracked my brain over whether my issue is one of my own - am I still grieving, am I feeling possessive, I’ve gone over and over the mum deserves to be happy and so on. But my gut just can’t get past the way he spoke to me and how he is with her. I actually feel like a petulant child about it (which I hate!)…am I reading too much into it? Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage?! I simply don’t like him and I feel like I’m really trying to.

It’s hard because I obviously miss my stepdad terribly and its weird somebody else being here but I’m highly aware it’s her house, her life, she needs and deserves to be happy (which I want for her more than anything else) and at the end of the day my opinion doesn’t and shouldn’t matter (much).
It’s been strange because I’ve barely seen her and since I’ve been back she’s been over at his or stayed over there and when she’s been here she’s exhausted so our time has been limited. I’ve taken time off from work to come down and spend time with her and I’m pretty much just here doing very little.

I really don’t know what to do. Should I put my feelings aside despite what I feel are red flags? Or should I keep sharing my concerns which is making it really difficult?

Any advice or opinions would be welcomed - I’m realistic and if I’m coming across as bratty then I’m open to that too! I just want an outside non emotional perspective I guess?

OP posts:
Original poster
AurumVox · 25/05/2025 23:35

PebbleDashAtOne · 25/05/2025 23:19

He sounds pretty awful.

What did he say to you that was so rude?

The first time I met him was Tuesday and he’d just joined us to walk the dog. He’s not from here but moved to the area around 3 years ago. He’d been for a walk with mum previously and was telling me about a nice local walk I should try and I said nicely, well I actually grew up here and it is beautiful and his response was. “There really isn’t anything I can tell you or your mother that you don’t already know is there?”. I thought that was odd.
We went for a day shopping on Friday and on the way there he started talking about trams vs buses (seems random I know), and how trams weren’t financially viable compared to buses. I live in a city up north so was trying to explain how each cater to different needs/speeds/route etc and about three times he cut over me telling me I wasn’t listening to him, I wasn’t getting his point, I want understanding him. I wasn’t being rude at all just literally explaining how the systems are used in a city (nicely!).
May seem very trivial but at the time it felt very aggressive really. @PebbleDashAtOne

OP posts:
homeismyhaven · 25/05/2025 23:29

It sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your mum so I would raise your concerns in. A gentle way- she may be feeling these deep down but perhaps it is hard to see what is real if he is love bombing her and perhaps she hadn’t expected to feel that way again so clinging on to something that’s not quite right.

at least if she wants to stay with him then maybe help her put up some boundaries to such as not calling her everyday and making sure she still see friends etc, and knowing he can’t talk to you like that (and even the ‘banter’ with her is not acceptable all the time). Thing is, he is likely set in her ways and not likely to change. Perhaps this is how he was with his wife and doesn’t know how to be any other way such as what is appropriate at the start of a new relationship? Therefore your mum should give him pointers about what she expects and doesn’t expect??

these other friends that have warned her off him - what was the reason? Just his rudeness?

healthybychristmas · 25/05/2025 23:26

I'm really sorry you lost your stepdad and I'm really glad you had such a good relationship with him. This man should come with a government health warning. What do your mum's friends say about him, I know someone warned her about him but what about the others? I appreciate she must've been very lonely but this isn't the man to help her. To be honest it sounds as though he's got his eyes on the prize. I do think you should speak to her really openly but be very careful at the same time that she doesn't turn against you.

BookArt55 · 25/05/2025 23:25

Sit down with your mum and kindly share your feelings. I say this knowing that after I ended a 7.5 year abusive relationship my closest family told me they had concerns from the beginning but knew how I much I liked him and thought I was happy.
Say it once, say gkh won't bring this your again but she is always welcome to and rhat you are there for her.
Such a worry for you, sounds like more than one red flag to me (and I don't pick them well at all haha!)

BellissimoGecko · 25/05/2025 23:24

There are so many red flags already, your mum really should be aware. Friends have warned her off him, you find him very rude - why is your mum making excuses for him??

This is meant to be their honeymoon period, when he is the best version of himself.

I’d hate to see the worst version…

he sounds like really bad news. encourage your mum to dump him.

Bridgetjonesheart · 25/05/2025 23:22

It sounds like you’ve really tried to be as fair and balanced as possible and despite that something really does sound quite off. I don’t think you should ignore these red flags. He sounds full on and your mum to some degree is probably still quite vulnerable too. I guess all you can do is look out for her, and try to get her to open up to you. Don’t let him try to isolate her etc

TrolleySong · 25/05/2025 23:20

He sounds like trouble. I think you need to speak up.

PebbleDashAtOne · 25/05/2025 23:19

He sounds pretty awful.

What did he say to you that was so rude?

ThinWomansBrain · 25/05/2025 23:18

tell her how you feel - it sounds as if there are elements of his behaviour that she doesn't appreciate.
If he is rude to her friends as he was to you, she could end up very isolated.

ByLimeAnt · 25/05/2025 23:18

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about your stepdad, he must have been a lovely man. Your mum sounds great! This new man...I wouldnt say a red flag, more a flotilla of ships waving individual red flags.

I don't have any useful advice to give and I am sorry to be so unhelpful. But you sound like a very loving and supportive daughter. Hopefully someone a bit wiser will come along soon.

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