Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

I agree with the other posters. He doesn't seem like someone who is good for your mum.

It is important to focus on how this relationship is actually impacting your mother. From what you suggest, she is overwhelmed by it as he is so intense, she is exhausted as he dominates her time, she is excusing his behaviours so knows that they are not right, she is beginning to be isolated from family as she is not spending time with you even though you have come to visit and won't be there long. These are all negative changes that are not too different to how victims of abuse might feel. This is different to the way you formerly described her as independent, social etc.

I would definitely speak to her. She may not be familiar with love bombing and may really want companionship but this guy does seem like he is changing who she is in a negative way - I am surprised she couldn't say no to his 6 hour round trip to visit his wife's grave. It's not a romantic trip at all and I would be wondering if he is trying to keep you away from her.

I wouldn't be shortening your visit OP. If anything, I would stay as long as I needed to find out more about him and to gently speak to your mother about your concerns. If there is a sibling or friend nearby to check in regularly with your mother when you eventually do go back, that might be helpful.

@AurumVox

I'm seconding what all the others are saying, this man is bad news. He's possessive, argumentative, and rude.

I think as part of your talk with her about him you should be sure (if you don't already know) that her finances are 'locked down tight', that he knows nothing about them, has never asked about them, and that he has never even 'used her card to pick up a few things' at the market.

Also, the key safe code should be changed tomorrow and him not told. His reaction to that the next time he wants to 'surprise her' should tell her a lot!

Listen, I totally get your beginning enthusiasm at the start of this 'friendship'. I was also enthusiastic when my mum started up a friendship with a widower a few years after Dad died. Things seemed to be progressing nicely when it became apparent that this man was is failing health and that his daughter was trying to push the relationship in order to be able to shift the burden of his increasing care needs onto Mum. Luckily mum picked up on it and put a large flea in her ear! Different circumstances sure, but you and I both wanted our mums to be happy and have a good companion in their later years. We were wrong in the end, but our intentions were good.

This is strangely a dynamic I seem to come across/read about frequently in a relationship after loss/divorce in later life. I know a few women in similar circumstances with men best described as awkward, at worst as downright rude. Love bombing and sort of jealously hording the attention of their partner for want of a better word, is a common theme.

I'd have a chat with your mum, its hard as at 70 + she may feel she has little time to find someone else and would stay in a less than ideal relationship :(

Your mom has had people she doesn't know well warn her off this guy. There's no reason you should be more worried to speak to her about this than they were. The fact she's admitted to this, and that she finds him overbearing herself, makes it sound like she may be open to questioning the relationship.

Make it clear you want her to be happy and that you initially were very happy she found romance again.

This is probably him on his best behaviour so it can only get worse.

Ask after her friends, when did she last see Anne and Sue etc. She's probably missing them so it will hopefully prompt her to meet up with them. No doubt they'll back up your opinion.
Sow a seed such as... I don't know how someone as independent/fun-loving/vivacious/lovely as you can put up with someone so clingy/grumpy/dull/rude etc.

This is all textbook narcissistic abuse. You need to get your mum to sign her assets over to you because he’ll fleece her

The fact that he’s taking her on an unnecessary six hour roundtrip relating to his previous relationship while you’re visiting is also horrendous. The fact she’s going along with it shows that she’s likely quite a way along the path of his control.

You might consider:

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clare's_Law

Google him just incase he’s been reported on the news

@AurumVox I wonder if he is being deliberately rude to cause a wedge between you and your mum? To try to isolate her from friends and family?

I agree and the fact that he was a carer for his wife could be where he learned this from. I'm a carer for a relative, have been for others too, and it can be a really fine line between care and control.Most carers are fine and not controlling but a rare few come to like the power over another person and use it to maniplate someone into anything they want. He sounds used to this and has his techniques down pat.

He sounds dangerous. He’s dominating her time, isolating her from family and friends and has access to her house. I doubt this is his first rodeo.

He sounds absolutely awful - really bad news. You and your mum sound very kind and accommodating which makes you both vulnerable to horrible domineering men.

Before long, someone will be along to suggest this person is autistic. I can’t stress enough this is not the explanation. There is no overlap between autism and being a horrible, domineering person. And this dude sounds suffocating, domineering and a social disaster.

I really don’t like the sound of this.
Do what you can to get your mother to break it off but I would be careful how he reacts to that.

That you haven't been able to spend time with your mother, and she is exhausted is very bad news OP. He might already trying to isolate her from her own daughter and it seems he is succeeding since you are considering going back early. He's already wearing her down, being rude to you, annoying the friendship group, he seems very practised at this. How soon until your mother stops attending the group?

Why is your mother allowing him to eat into your time together? Are these things that have been arranged since before you planned to stay with your mother or are they more recent? Your mother seems quite passive in this relationship already hes calling all the shots.

Don't leave early because once you leave he might take the opportunity to work on ways to stop your mother having contact with you and she could slowly fade from your life. He could take every opportunity to make your mother see that you are against him and your mother seems too exhausted already to disagree.

Play her this short video about the signs of a controlling partner. It's very succinct & only a couple of minutes long. He's hitting every item, point by point.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=zDS5BumQE9c&pp=ygUdY29udHJvbGxpbmcgbWVuIHdhcm5pbmcgc2lnbnM%3D

Oh yes, ‘not afraid to be openly rude to you’…

I haven’t seen anyone say it here yet, but it occurs to me that he is extremely confident with his coercive ways.

I say extremely confident because any man with intelligence would have realised that meeting you (and getting along with you) could be critical to his future with your mum.

To be at all pushy and unpleasant towards you is very very stupid in the circumstances.

You don’t even need to trust your gut here- there’s enough objectively bad behaviour to say that this man is a nasty and controlling abuser. Even one or two of the behaviours you have listed would be enough for alarm bells, but there’s loads:
love bombing
intensity
excessive calls
going into a mood if she doesn’t spend all her time with him.
alienating from family ( it’s not a coincidence you haven’t see her much)
rudeness to family.
warning from friends

Don’t waste time with subtle hints- you need to tell your mum straight. You say she’s sensible and switched on- it may take a while, but she’ll
realise this is wrong. Tell her you are very worried about her.

look up some domestic abuse websites and get her to read a list of red flags- there’s probably behaviour that she has experienced that you haven’t seen yet.

I meant to add to my post that it's really nice you have such a positive and supportive attitude to your mother finding someone else. It's never easy to see a parent moving on, but it seems as though you're really putting her first. Fingers crossed that you manage to get through to her and the next person she meets is someone who enhances both of your lives.

So many things make this man not OK, but the stand out for me was warnings about this man given by some members of the group where OP's mum met him.
They are relative strangers yet still felt strongly enough about this.

Obviously they could all be some Rosemary's Baby coven but given the man's behaviour they're on the money.

He sounds dangerous op. Sorry. Controlling and not afraid to be openly rude to you in front of her.

And change the door code.

Trust your gut.
My Mum met somebody under unusual circumstances and I immediately questioned the whole situation (think power imbalance/vulnerable Mum).
He love bombed the shit out of her. Flowers, perfume, all sorts of gifts within the first few weeks.
I convinced myself I was just putting my own trust issues onto their relationship.
But she never went anywhere without him. Our daily hangouts would turn into “I’m just popping in” and he would ring 3-4 times in the half an hour she was at mine. It then turned into he was always with her.

Fast forward 5 years, he crushed her beyond repair, she died 2 months ago.
He’s moving on to his next victim. Can the Police do anything? Nope.
I will never doubt my instincts again.

He doesn’t sound great. I would definitely try to have a conversation with her about it and see how she’s feeling. She might welcome the opportunity to open up and talk to you. Hopefully you can work the conversation around to whether or not she is happy or where she sees the future going with him (nowhere, ideally).

Though in the examples you gave, if you literally said “Well, actually” to him that is pretty rude. And I wouldn’t engage in an argument with a person I’d just met about public transportation, especially if it was a family member’s partner. It’s a silly, pointless thing to have a debate about. Next time you have to be around him I’d practice my blandest “Oh, really?” to hit him with whenever he witters on about something like that. That will at least help you tolerate him for the time being.