Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

Absolutely do a Claire's Law application. Dors your mum have grandchildren? I would think about a Sarah's Law too. Also do a bit of Googling to see if there is anything out there.

I really hope your mum breaks up with him, he sounds like bad news.

@AurumVox this is really hard for me to to read as we went through a very similar situation with my widowed DM.

so many similarities. The new boyfriend was breathtakingly rude to me and engaged in “banter” and jokes about my mum that were just not at all funny. He was an intensely vain and narcissistic man but we went a long with it for far too long

everytime I tried to raise it my mother would cry and say how lonely she’d been since dad died. It was awful. One of my sisters supported the relationship as she thought it was better for mum to be with someone, my brother just shut fhe guy out.

my Mums assets were all in a family trust, the new boyfriend was very wealthy so we didn’t have any money worrries but it was the emotional abuse that was horrible.

in retrospect I should have held my line pointing out his poor behaviour and I should have got my siblings, aunts and uncles and family friends all to speak up. We were all too scared of upsetting mum.

anyway, horrible vicious two year relationship followed where dm lost contact with friends and became very isolated. She finally realised how bad it was and ended the relationship. This was a terrifying time as I genuinely feared for her safety. My brother had to move in with her.

the saddest thing is that mum was diagnosed with a terminal illness a year after the relationship ended and passed away. I regret those lost years while she was this dreadful man. Please don’t stand by - if you can, do speak up OP

Red flags a plenty here and your mum needs to get the hell away from him, speak up it sounds like he’s trying to isolate her so he’ll have her completely to himself. He’s already trying to control her. Who knows what he was doing in the house when he was alone there, I’d be checking that he hadn’t hidden anything to spy on her.

A love rat!! I’d be seeking more of his back story - he’s just landed out of the purple! What other family has he got, jobs, where has he lived, grown up etc etc get your mother to lock her finances down - there is nothing good about this one

Trust your gut

In all honesty from what I’ve read your mum is seeing these red flags and is explaining them to you maybe to see if you can validate her but instead you seemed to have glossed over them. I think you really need to step up here and share your concerns with her.

what is his financial / living situation?

Maybe he is autistic but his rudeness to OP was actual rudeness, not bluntness or talking over her. The comment about her always being right is pure fragile masculinity lashing out.

I thought autistic before I read anything. More the directness that comes across as rude and the inability to take on someone else's knowledge without finishing their points first and having to be right.
Your mum is at fault though, not making any time for you.
Personally I'd be honest and say he's stifling her but she sounds so emeshec I dount that will.go down well.

Hes not lacking in social skills. He knows EXACTLY what he’s doing. He is trying to isolate her.

I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago

I don't understand why you would do this without meeting him first.You basically told her to ignore red flags. While she is a grown woman and can make her own decisions, your view also carries weight. Also it sounds like she has a lot of friends, and you, if you actually make an effort. You seemed to have a mindset that she desperately needed another man and were keen to encourage almost anyone as long as she was in a relationship, which I find odd.

Massive red flags. I think he was rude to you because he's jealous, and wants to keep your mum to himself. This will gradually erode all her other relationships. Change the key safe code, please. As for the wife's grave trip - no, just no. None of this sounds healthy and isn't going in a good direction.

That’s so strange, why would he want to take your mum there on that specific day especially as he knows you’re there visiting your mum?
Your mum doesn’t have to go with him, she can say no to him and spend the day with you or is she too scared to say no to him?

Why are you both being such doormats about this? So much hand wringing - yes he's a controlling knob. What now?

Change the key safe code immediately. Talk your mum out of the trip to the ex wife's grave, that's so inappropriate. He should go alone and you and mum spend quality time together. His response to that will also show you who he is.

Whose birthday? Your mother’s or this man’s dead wife?

It’s highly inappropriate that your mother leave with him on this day. You are visiting your mother and he keeps taking her away or burdening you with his presence.

Why don’t you tell your mother that this isn’t healthy?

She's choosing to go with him on a day trip to his late wife's grave while you're visiting instead of staying home with you?
I am afraid this relationship has already tipped into abusive. Why would she do that if not being coerced in some way, via emotional manipulation?
I also think you were wrong to talk her out of her instincts at the start. She was telling you he was a red flag and you told her to give him another chance!

Could be a tactic to get DM away from OP, but very weird. Am wondering why DM is going along with it if it means another day of OP's visit is missed by her. Seems very strange. Is she already being controlled by him? Do find a way to have that face-to-face chat with her - on her own obviously.🍀

@AcrossthePond55I was going to write a similar reply about changing the safe code and seeing how he responds. @AurumVox do you know the back story behind her giving him the code? For me that is incredibly concerning. As others have suggested maybe go on this day trip with your mum? Good luck!

Your mum going out for the day with him when you are down is odd. Ask her to stay with you.
Your mum didn't know thenwofe so has nothing invested in going woth him. She does however have a lot invested in her relationship with you. You should be her priority. Show her this thread. He is isolating her.
Help her with strategies for ending it. Talk to her put the practical steps she cann take too.
Does she have any close friends locally that can help her too?

No, I don’t think you are over-thinking this. 4 x times a day phone calls - is he checking up on her?!! Way way too much. And the correcting he does concerning her, - a huge red flag. Letting himself into her house whilst she’s not there, umm no, I don’t think so, it gives him the possibility or opportunity of snooping. He does sound from what you say ‘intense’. His rudeness is another unpleasant side altogether.

A difficult situation as you say your Mum is happy. She sounds really on to it, I think she may well see him through new eyes after his rudeness toward you.

I was in a very similar situation unfortunately. I really wanted my DF to be happy and was relieved when he started dating again as it took the pressure off me.
However she was awful. So rude and I couldn't even see my DF without her being there. But she would ignore me. She would expect my dad to drive her everywhere and buy her everything. She wanted to move in after 6 months. He was exhausted from the stress of it all.
I ended up telling him how I felt and how rude she was.etc, but he didn't listen. He just could not see that she was love bombing him.
Fortunately a few months later they broke up after she was really rude to him, and something finally clicked. He has met somebody else now who is lovely.

I think you have to tell your mum what you are thinking. She might decide not to act on it, but hopefully will recognise that his behaviour is not right and she will eventually see him for what he is.

So within 6 months your DM has already given him a key so he can access her home - bad move! That alone would give me cause to warn her in the most stark terms that she hardly knows him, yet he has access to her property. Big security risk, right there. Next thing you find out he's coercing her to change her will... stranger things have happened, and quite frankly he's a stranger to her after only 6 months.

his behaviour - wanting to isolate her from family and friends, controlling what she says and the fact he is so self-opinionated, is another warning sign he's a baddun. Your DM is an adult, but seems to have poor judgement on this one. If it was my mum I would have to point all these things out, just the once, then leave her to make her own choices, as she's an adult.

I would be spending as much time WITH him (and your mum)as possible.
Have your responses to his rudeness ready. Perhaps if she witnesses you standing up to him and his arrogance she may come to her senses.

I actually think that you should ask her not to go on the dead wife grave trip. Ask her to spend some time with you instead.

If she agrees try and have a nice day out somewhere and explain everything you’ve told us here that makes you worried.

If she insists on going out with him for the day then you’ll have to do it tonight.

I know it’s hard working and living so far away but if you can I think you need to up your physical presence in her life to be there for her and to counteract him and his controlling nature.

Implore your mother to take it more slowly.
No moving in, no eloping and no keys to any safes, doors or password sharing.
Ask her to keep a secret diary of his behaviour.

I'd find that dynamic really worrying. The fact that multiple people have found him rude, controlling, or just odd is significant and imo that means it's not just you overreacting or finding it difficult to see her with someone other than your dad.

I'd definitely encourage her to take everyone's concerns to heart and at least step back slightly from the relationship. If it would be easier for her to add a little distance by taking a holiday to visit you, a family member, or a friend, I'd suggest that. She owes it to herself to take things a little more slowly so she can make the right decision for her, not be rushed into a more serious, committed relationship just because this man is pushy and wants things to progress quickly.