Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

Could you do a request for info via Claire's Law just to make sure she's safe? It all sounds a bit much in such a short space of time.

I would be direct with her. He is reeling her in with the cooking and the flowers. The key safe would really concern me in case he moves himself in. She is not standing up to him. You are staying and she hasn’t told him to give you both space for a few days. What else does she go along with? I would have a look on sites such as womens aid for relationship red flags/control and get her to read it. This man is used to getting his own way and probably doesn’t take no for an answer. If she ends it change the locks as he may have had a key cut.

This is good advice.

Honestly, I would voice your fears to your mum. You obviously have explored your feelings and countered every argument put forward for your misgivings but your mum needs help here. My second husband was strikingly similar and so many friends and relatives, including my adult children told me afterwards that they saw red flags. I just wish someone had raised it with me beforehand.

But this is clear and manipulative thinking. He is not bettering himself, he is just actively covering bad behaviour. He is reacting in your mums words which is also manipulating everyone in the group.

Completely agree with @SuperTrooper14 and @Knackeredparquet

Tell her, you got it wrong and was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but you now agree with her initial concerns and what the people in this group warned you about.

You’ve travelled 200 miles to visit her, and instead of telling him that she’ll be busy spending time with you for a few days, she’s gone of for the day to visit his dead wife’s grave?!

You’re being far too nice about this. Your mum trusts you to be honest with her & you’re not. Most of your OP was trying to justify that you don’t want to stop her having a relationship. You’re not a teenager - trust your own self that you can tell the difference between a healthy relationship & a controlling one. If your DM wants a man in her life, she can sure do better than this. She needs someone who isn’t dependent on her for all their emotional needs - it’s obviously too much for her.

@AurumVox he sounds like he will eventually wear her confidence down and isolate her which is sad given she seems to have built a lovely life for herself.

How do you think your mum would react to suggesting changing the combination for the key safe? I think that needs doing. If she seems to be worried about he will react then that’s a huge red flag alone.

Your mum is an adult who sounds like she can cope with life on her own and knows how to look after herself. You can tell her your concerns but you can't tell her what to do.

This! You need to stop being passive and get your mum out of this situation before it’s too late. From day one she said there were red flags and you for whatever reason encouraged her to look past them. Now you need to encourage her to walk away before she’s completely under his control.

I’ve got absolute chills reading this. You’ve hardly seen your mum while you’ve been staying. I find that odd. Do not under any circumstances go back early. In fact I’d probably stay longer to suss things out more.

I would actually be very worried too. Have you a photo of him that you could do a reverse image search or considered doiing a Clares Law request? That may sound dramatic but you say your mum is very independent yet its very obviousn from what you said that she is being controlled. What is his financial position compared with your mum? Has your mum met any of his own friends or family? Does he have any social media? Do you know why his wife died and were they still married and for how long? Your mum sounds absolutely lovely and should have someone who treats her like the queen she is. Making excuses for him is her way of not feeling weak when he behaves badly. Please do all the research you can on this man and dont feel guilty about it. He sounds at the very least an unpleasant and controlling character at worst, could isolate you from her entirely. I'm very pleased that the rest of your family is meeting him too to help you with this.

He sounds very much like my ex husband. The love bombing, the slight arguing, the weird responses in social situations. You can see I ignored red flags and married him anyway, despite seeing these and some falling outs with friends. My ex subsequently got himself diagnosed with autism, but it doesn’t excuse all bad behaviour and the deeper she gets into this the harder it will be to get out, especially if she feels guilty/ sorry for him.
The worst of it now for me is I see all this behaviour playing out with my adult children.
i would calmly sit her down and explain your concerns and I would absolutely show her a couple of articles on coercive behaviour which has started off as charming love bombing. Reassure her she will meet somebody else lovely: it’s not this man or nothing.

You could maybe ask her how he makes her feel - is it closer to her relationship with your stepdad? Or her relationship with your father? It might help open her eyes a bit.

I can't add much to what has already been said by pp, but please don't go back early. Push for some mother/daughter time.

Maybe a conversation along the lines of 'wow mum, I can see now why you had concerns, I was wrong to encourage you to stick with him'. Remind her she didn't think he was a good match and agree with her.

You need to talk to your mum. Be honest. Tell her you'll always be there for her even ic she stays with him. Maybe find some literature on coercive control, love bombing etc... and no offence but people who have been in abusive relationships are more likely to find themselves in one again. No one falls in love with an arsehole - they become them over time.

I think it’s the late wife’s birthday, so makes it all the more ick!

Not to be disrespectful to either party but we had problems with my late father in law and his onset of Alzheimer’s after my mother in law died. Not to say that this at play here but normal judgement can be impacted by age and pain, physical and emotional. Do you think that the death of your stepdad may have affected her judgement? Or do you think she doesn’t think there will be another opportunity for happiness if she sends this guy packing? She sounds like a smart cookie, I don’t believe she doesn’t know he’s rude bordering offensive. Maybe your Mum’s just not ready to come to terms with it.

I would let your mum read this thread and you and her have a good long chat .
He knows exactly what a rat he is and he is aware you are seeing him as a rat so keeping you and your mum as separate as possible whilst you are staying

There don’t seem to be any good points about this relationship. They aren’t compatible and he sounds potentially dangerous. Get the house passcode changed immediately. I would be blunt and help your mum end it. Does she feel she should to stick with it to make you happy, or to take care of him somehow? She sounds a great lady with an active, interesting life and will have plenty of opportunities to meet someone who deserves her.

Your mum voiced immediate concerns about him. He has said himself he always fucks things up. Your mum was warned about him by other members of the group where she met him. There are lots of red flags. Taking your mum to his late wife's grave to mark her birthday is a very obvious ploy to keep the two of you apart. Most people in that situation wouldn't take their girlfriend. Do you think your mum's eyes and ears are still open about this man, or has she decided it's all autism-related?

I'd try 'mum I'd like us to spend a day together, just the two of us, before I leave. Does it make sense for boyfriend to go do his grieving alone and we can do something together? I don't feel like we've had much time'

A good man would be encouraging your DM to spend as much time with you as possible and stepping back, not taking up your time with her. He could easily mourn the birthday of his late wife alone. Why on earth’s taking your DM is beyond me.

I agree with pp’s he sounds very and news and you need to have a blunt conversation with her (also ask her to change the code on her safe). give her a book on narcissistic and abusive traits and ask her to read it. As for him on the spectrum, that’s no excuse for his behaviour at all.

He needs to do that by himself and you and your mum can have a day together. Very strange behaviour that he expects your mum to go.

I agree with everyone else and for safety reasons I would change the lock box code, no way does he need access at anytime. I hope your mum gets rid of him quickly.

Sometimes when you're in a relationship it's hard to see the bad things. I was in a similar relationship after my divorce - love bombing, constant phone calls, alienating me from my friends and family. He was a narcissist and I was in a controlling relationship. Not sure if I would have taken notice if anyone had told me this at the time. I was with him for a year and finally realised myself and it's only looking back that I can see how wrong it was. Do what you can though OP (maybe even show your mum this thread) but your mum may not want to hear it.