Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

Can I just suggest you be really strong....firstly sit her down and say ....Mum ...I've been VERY worried about the dynamics of your new relationship...so ...I posted on mumsnet to see if I could get other unknown people opinions.....and let her read all our responses....we all have offered different views.....as your mum ...from your original post is a competent woman...with lots of life experience....I reckon she will see those Red Flags x and hopefully start to put in boundaries....if she still wants to continue with the relationship...I would always listen to my own Adult children ....and we have given some brilliant advice on the post.

My dh easily rings me 4 times a day but if I say I’m with someone he rushes off the phone. He’s not threatened by the competition.

Why does he need to call you 4 x a day @Blobbitymacblob if you live together?

Unless there are pressing reasons that sounds excessive.

Was your visit a bit of a surprise or has it been planned etc? Surely she would have known you were visiting and told him she’d have to miss the grave visiting trip and all the other days out and activities he’s been organising. Doesn’t sound good at all.

Why has he got the code to her key safe?!?!

They’ve only been together 6 months.

It sounds like your mum is an intelligent, capable woman. why in earth has she done this?

Tell her she is acting out of character.

Also, ask her outright for a full day together while you are there. Without him. I bet she’s scared to ask him and makes excuses. She should be able to do this and if she can’t ask her why not?

I agree with posters who say you need to be more blunt. This is no time for a softly softly approach. He is moving too fast and too forcefully.

I’d have to remind her that you’ve driven 200 miles to see her and taken time off work. And shre not there. That alone would concern me, is he pressuring her to spend time with him instead?

The visiting his wife's grave is understandable and new partners can't erase the past. But asking your Mum to go with him on a 3 hour strip (6 in total?) is too much.

He sounds incredibly needy.

Does he have adult children?/

Just picking up on the fact she 'died from scoliosis.'
Scoliosis (misaligned spine) is not a cause of death. It can cause pain and sometimes disability, but in itself it won't cause death.

He sounds like he has been in a long relationship with a brow beaten wife who replies “yes dear” to all of his opinions and demands and is looking for a replacement, but thinks love bombing will seal the deal initially - and then normal service can resume.

I can’t stand people making excuses for old people’s curmudgeonly behaviour, the whole “set in his ways” BS.

There’s a reason why your senses are tingling and people have warned your mum off. Her grief and loneliness will be easier to copy with and resolve than having this guy parked in her life isolating her from friends and family.

Keep fighting your mum’s corner @AurumVox you sound like a lovely daughter - and right on the money xx

Over the years I’ve noticed that the men who compete for their partner’s time and attention when she has visitors have always been bad eggs.

There’s always a really compelling reason why they need her right now. Always. When I was younger, being a decent and compassionate person, I would have thought that of course he’s going to need support visiting his wife’s grave.

And of course, it’s hard to know if it’s genuine or I’m just a tired old cynic.

But the keepers have always been the guys that encourage their partners to spend time with old friends and family. Sometimes they’re the ones you don’t get to know that well because they’ve taken the kids off to give her a break, or organised their own friends meet up.

My dh easily rings me 4 times a day but if I say I’m with someone he rushes off the phone. He’s not threatened by the competition.

I have a very high tolerance for social awkwardness. Someone can be a bit abrasive or not follow social conventions, and it’s not a huge problem to cut them some slack. But sometimes there’s a flash of personally directed dislike/contempt - there and gone. But it’s so hard to pin down because when you try and describe what happened you can just sound a bit intolerant. I’ve definitely seen that over the years with a fair few men who were not the princes their partners thought they were.

It’s so tricky to navigate because you run the risk of playing into their hands if your friend/mother falls out with you, because their goal is isolation.

Wanted to come back and add as this really is common, even just reading others comments! But him having her check his messages to "help" him and make sure he's not coming across rude, is classic "I need you" behaviour. He will make her feel so needed and wanted, even that he doesnt deserve her so he just wants to be with her and talk to her whenever he can. Its textbook, I really think you need to sit down with your mum and talk about things.

The "banter" and putting her down or implying she's less intelligent or wrong is also classic textbook, I see it with an in law in a similar relationship after later life divorce. Chip chip chipping away til it's normal.

I am older and would definitely get finances sewn up (in favour of DCs) if I thought I was going to predecease DH. Not that he doesn’t care for me but as we are well off there is an incentive for a new love of his life to appear on the scene if I’m gone.
DM should get things tied up but v difficult for you to tell her that, someone else needs to.

My BFF is 64 so not an unsimilar age to your mum OP.
She met a chap 18 months ago and she gave up her house to move in with him.
He turns out to have love bombed her, used her for cash and childcare (he has a teenager). He's also a fascist so one of her daughters won't speak to her. He kept it well hidden. However I've only seen her spasmotically as she's 'not allowed' to see her friends only his family or her mum. Thankfully she is moving on next month.
There are lots of these guys out there and even mature, intelligent ladies get swept up. My friend doesn't want to be lonely.
Visiting a grave is just creepy.
Speak frankly to your mum. Say he's rude and controlling and she's worth better. You want better for her.
I worry your mum will be the infamous MN nurse with a purse.

Does she own her own home.
Does she own her property abroad
Has she written her will
who has power of attorney
does she have siblings, close friend, who can advise her on financial stuff
If she isn’t going to marry him and has all the financials sewn up then fine -if not this man has a big incentive to be in her life.

I agree with this.

Don’t be complicit in the gaslighting of your own mum.
It sounds like she knows something is off and is looking for validation.
Be honest with her.

Sounds like an old school man who thinks hes always right and women know nothing. The “constant banter” will wear your mum down in time.

ringing 4x a day? That would be very annoying

idk, does sound like theres a few red flags there

I think you need to talk to her.

What's odd is that your mum seems very self-sufficient- lots of friends, she's busy AND she has a holiday home in Crete? (Is that right?) Is she Greek?

I'm older than your Mum and trying to see this from the perspective of an older woman.

On balance, men seem to want to jump into new relationships far sooner when they're on their own and grab anyone available. (Not that your Mum isn't lovely, I'm sure.)

It does seem as if your Mum has some issues because she chose an abusive man to start with - your Dad- then had a good marriage, and is now back with another controlling and potentially abusive man.

I wonder if, deep down, she lacks confidence and gravitates to men who 'take control'? (But not in a good way.)

I think she's confusing love-bombing and control with 'desire and being wanted'.

The thing that stood out most for me was his calling her 4 times a day when she was in Crete. That's just bonkers and shows he's needy and maybe controlling.

She may not listen to you, because obviously something it attracting, her but she does need a wake up call.

He will be proposing to her very soon, she’s passed all his tests

He is reeling her in with the cooking and the flowers.

Tbh I think that that would creep a lot of us out!

6 months & he has access to her house?

Why?

Whose idea was it?

Going to see his wife's grave with him?

Why?

Because she won't can't say no?

Plus he has been rude to you & won't let you & your mum spend time together!

I’ve been in the same position OP - my dad meeting someone in his 70s after a long marriage to my mum. Like you, it threw up all kinds of strange emotions around another woman being in ‘my mum’s house’ but ultimately I really wanted my dad to be happy and if she was a good woman, I’d be fully on board. As it is, she is a great woman and from the outset, she was respectful of all our feelings but also tried to get to know us individually without ‘trying too hard’ if you know what I mean. They are now married and I am so pleased they found love with each other.

A person with no agenda will understand the complexities of blending families (even later in life) and will be looking to get to know you, not alienate you. This man sounds rude and controlling. 4 phone calls a day? Even in a ‘normal’ relationship this is way over the top. You mention your mum has a home in Crete. Are they equal in terms of financial means?

If some of her friends have warned her and you have concerns, absolutely talk it out with her. Remind her that you want her to be happy and to have a lovely relationship but it needs to be with a man who loves and supports her, not tries to diminish her.

I think you have misunderstood why autistic people are like that, it's not that we're totally unaware, we can see that what we have said has pissed someone off! What we don't have is the built in ability to understand WHY what we said upset that person. Once it's explained we can understand and learn for it.

I was leaning towards NPD but if he can identify and correct fault in himself it's probably not that. Some autistic people can be very controlling and narcissistic, some also have personality disorders or are just arseholes!. A lot of women with autism used to get misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder (me included), his behaviour does sound a lot like BPD and how I used to start relationships before I decided to totally give up dating!

I think you need to tell your mum to put very firm boundaries in place and get her key back! (Change the code for the lockbox)

OP - he isn’t a nice man at all .

A few questions - have your siblings met him , and if so what are their opinions ?

He moved to your Mum’s area 3 years ago , presumably before his wife passed away .
So why is her grave such a long journey from where he now lives ?
Seems very odd .
How much does your Mum know about him ? - his family , his friends etc .

I would be Googling the hell out of him !

I've just watched that YouTube video and it's so true (watching with hindsight as have been in that situation).

That is just so wierd, he's celebrating his late wife's birthday with your mum by taking her away from you for a long round trip.
When she gets back I'd say firmly that you want some mum and daughter time and send him off.
Tell your mum that you are pleased she's found someone she likes but you can't ignore the fact that some of his behaviour is very odd. And that she should perhaps try to slow things down whilst she establishes if this is the kind of relationship she really wants. Does she want to be checking his messages every time he sends them? Going to visit graves that have nothing to do with her? Seeing him cut across people she loves rudely?

I've just read the update about the trams v buses and walks remarks. He sounds like a typical know-all older man who thinks no-one, and especially women, can know more than he does. I've met a few and they are infuriating. I hope your mum comes to realise that herself. Men are notoriously bad at living alone and often turn to the first woman who'll have them when they find themselves without a partner. Hopefully, your mum will be wary.