Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

Incredibly odd. It's something he should be doing alone / with his own DC (although you don't mention if he has children?)

Do you think he is purposely trying to keep your DM busy whilst you are visiting so you aren't able to spend much time together?

Can you outright say to your mum "I'm only here for a few more days, please can we spend some proper time together?"

I think if my DCs told me they'd shared concerns about me on social media and sat me down to read them, I'd be furious! I've lived through far more than they have and don't want to hear the opinions of a load of strangers who've only heard one side of the story. Sorry, but this wouldn't work for me at all.

The guy she’s started dating is very intense and was wanting to spend all of his time with her so she was finding it hard to balance all the other commitments. I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago.

She had also said previously that lots of people disliked him because he often says the wrong thing and could be taken as rude / abrupt etc, that perhaps he was slightly lacked social skills. I again said well you know him in a different way so go with the your gut

Your intentions were good but I think you have been a bit too encouraging of this relationship. Him being intense so quickly and being disliked by so many should have been red flags.

Now it’s time to row back and tell your mum about this man’s red flags.

I don’t get how she thinks she’s fallen for him when they argue, she acknowledges he’s so full on and she had to balance meeting him with her (very healthy sounding) life. Their losses both sound too recent and they both sound too different. I’d have a chat to her personally

Also it’s never too late to have this kind of conversation.

I think he’s had enough benefit of the doubt now. I’d be very on guard about him.

I think that the group warning her off him is interesting. I’d go with your gut here. Could your mum come and stay with you for a bit, alone?

You could have a surprise wedding on your hands here OP, then all the POAs and the will would count for nothing, himself gets the lot.

I’m older than your mum, I’ve seen it happen.

Time is indeed of the essence.

I'm now imagining the grandma's boyfriend from the show Friday Night Dinner. Mr Morris I think he was called?

Yeah, I can see why you think he seems awful. I hope your mum will listen to your concerns. And definitely don't have him move in or sharing finances.

I think in a bid to be polite, you didn't acknlodelge her concerns at a point early enough in the relationship where she was having doubts and now, as you say, she is quite a bit further down the path with him.

I don't really know what the answer is, but I'd stop making it easy when she breaks both of your boundaries with him.

For example, you're on a trip to visit her and quite reasonably both planned to spend time together and you're being blown off.

You know it isn't right because you saw her healthy relstionship with another man.

This man is one huge walking red flag.

I feel like posters here have their soft gloves on because he is seen as elderly and hence more harmless.

It sounds like love bombing (which is why your mum has fallen for him) and coercive control. He is isolating her from you this week. He will probably be twisting things and telling her how rude he thought you were to him and slowly he will say how he doesn't like being around you because you are against him. He will be saying that of course they are a couple so have to always be together....if she loved him she'd want to always be with him....maybe she isn't committed if she doesn't want to talk to him several times a day... and she shouldn't invite you again as you are so rude to him.

It is incredibly rude of him not to back off and give your mum space when she has her daughter visiting!

I have friends of that age group and they would always understand that family comes first and give space to children

Try to talk to your mum and also talk to your relatives after the party and get their thoughts. If everyone speaks to your mum it might get through. I'd also tell her that classic abusive behaviour would be to start complaining about people close to her to isolate her, and say that if and when he starts doing that can she please remember your conversation.

Also ask her questions...whose idea was it for him to have her door code? Why does he need to go in when she isn't there to let him in?

Why did he move 3 hours away from where he used to live?

You could also do a Claire's law request. Just because he is elderly doesn't mean he hasn't been abusive before.

@AurumVox he is a wedge driving, misogynistic rude prick looking for a nurse with a purse.

You must do everything you possibly can to deter your mother from continuing this relationship. You are seeing a tiny end of a massive hidden wedge and the love bombing will be leading to a romantic marriage proposal and that would be a tragedy for all.

The fact that she has been warned off him is a red flag the size of Europe.

Hmmm...I think many widows and widowers would be happy to visit the late spouses' grave. You can't erase the past. And you're being supportive.

I know a couple where the woman moved into the widower's home (they married) and there were always photos of his late wife around.

BUT the issue here is the timing- when OP is visiting and the distance - 3 hours each way?

I would suggest to your mum to do a little test for herself if she can’t see it- something like distancing herself for a couple of days making herself busy with something and see how he reacts, so she can see for herself.

Agree with pp that you need to see more of his behaviour so you can build the case against him!

good to hear there is a family do coming up so other will see what he is like but wonder if he’d be on his best behaviour??

This! Your mum needs to read this thread- so much good advice on here.

I can’t believe he was so rude to you, especially as he’d only just met you!
Oh and why on earth is he whisking your mum off on a road trip to his deceased wife’s grave when you’ve come down to visit her?! That’s awful!
You really need to find some time to talk to your mum because this doesn’t sound like it’s a healthy relationship at all.

You sound lovely and I think you should speak to your mum.

please could I ask about their finances. You mentioned your mum’s place in Crete. Does your mum have more? I’m sorry to bring this into it but I feel it does matter.

my step mil married my lovely fil who was 20 years older. There were red flags from the minute they met. When he sadly died she was abominable. Bringing her new boyfriend to the family home to stay
over within 12 weeks.

please say something x

I totally agree with this . It would be different if his wife had known OP's mum but that's not the case. Also , not when OP is visiting .

A 'professional'- a counsellor? They don't give advice and they certainly won't take sides and tell the OP what to do or not do.

He may be autistic, but he is also abusive.

I think it just means he finds it harder to hide his abusive ways- it’s why he’s so bad already.

There is a whole thread on MN for women who are in relationships with autistic men. Many describe years of having to shape their whole lives around a person who has unreasonable demands, lacks empathy and shows no love and affection.

she needs to look at whether she wants to spend her final years happy or miserable.

His controlling behaviour could be neediness. He can't bear being on his own.

Maybe he behaved this way with his late wife- taking control. Maybe she liked that.

It can be hard to adapt to a new relationship and change your behaviour in your 70s. Your Mum isn't his late wife. But he'll be behaving as he always did.

He's hardly been on his own for 2 minutes (18 months after a long marriage and being in your 70s is nothing.)

Whatever the reasons, it's all too much too soon.

He's already controlling her from what you've described. So getting her to see your concerns isn't going to be easy, and for that reason alone I'd talk to a professional about it before you start to raise your concerns to her. This may not be a simple fix, and he sounds incredibly intense.

Another thought.
in of itself, this taking her away for a 3 hour trip to visit his wife’s grave, feels big.
They’ve only been together 6 months and it’s like it somehow is a “next step” in how serious their relationship is.

Doing this while her daughter is visiting (who she doesn’t get to see often), is like a test of “who is more important”. It’s like a test. He’s really upping the ante.

Was this already planned for a long time before you came up? Or , as I suspect, it is an idea that has come to him very recently, perhaps since he learned you were visiting?

I think time is of the essence here.
I don’t know how you do this without the risk of her thinking you’re petty, but I think you need to point this all of the above to do with this trip out to her, let her know that you don’t mind her going , but ask her to think about who is more important (right now, during your visit).

One of the biggest problems in these sorts of situations is that we tend to talk about abuse in terms of victims and perpetrators, but women like your dm don’t see themselves as weak. They know they are strong, capable and independent. They usually see their man as weak, suffering, struggling.

She already knows everything you could possibly tell her - she’s told you that her friends have told her! She isn’t blind to his faults. So if you point them out, you’re just driving them closer because it reinforces this narrative theme that of all the people in all the world, only she….only he….no one else can fathom the special bond….no one else would tolerate him so she’d be throwing him to the wolves…..etc.

And then add in the complication of grief - it might be far, far harder for her to move on from your stepdad into a new loving relationship because that would be leaving him behind. Being with someone a bit difficult and prickly, who “banters” and is rude, might be how she’s protecting her heart.

What’s the situation finances wise? Does he see your mum with a holiday home in Crete as a bit of a financial catch?

Mahoosive red flags! He sounds very controlling. Don't be surprised further down the line if he stops her from seeing you. Also she should also sort out a will that benefits her own children not the red flagger.