Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

You are so right. So many red flags! I had a similar situation many, many years ago when i was in my late teens. I was really creeped out about my mums boyfriend, he was rude to me and even at one point grabbed hold of me and threatened me. My mum wouldn’t have any of it and didn’t believe me. From that moment i made it my mission to get rid of him, he was so toxic. I hired a private detective to do some digging into his past and after the initial probe it was found he was a fraudster who had financially ruined other partners lifes. After desperately going down this route i did not regret it and thankfully my mother actually listened to what i had to say and got rid. I could just feel he was evil. Even decades after the thought of it still gives me the creeps!

You’re being far too nice about this. Your mum trusts you to be honest with her & you’re not.

Your mum raised the red flags early on. She was clearly concerned or she wouldn't have told you about them. She wanted your opinion, but you glossed over them.

I hate to say it, but you bear a degree of responsibility for this, and it's time you were completely honest with her. Anyone else would have responded to this grave trip by saying 'mum, I took time off work to come and see you, yet he's demanded your presence and we've hardly spent any time together. Why are you going with him, and why does he expect you to?'

OP, have a conversation with her and share your concerns.

She was with your dad (stepdad) for 31 years and that's a long time to suddenly be faced with someone new and to he navigating whether this is 'normal but different' or 'wrong'.

I understand you wanting to be nice when she first raised this with you but I feel that was her reaching out looking for support and maybe validation for her feelings. I think the kind thing to do now would be to be honest with her about your true feelings about this man.

Whatever this man's reasons for his behaviours, he is not your mum's responsibility and she needs to protect herself.

Also talk to her about the future - if he falls ill tomorrow (at age 73 it’s statistically
possible) is he able to get care if he needs it? Does he have family who would step up? Is she expected to be his carer?

Rudeness is a clasdic way to alienate someone from family and friends.

Unfortunately you have inexplicable told her to ignore her gut.
Really inexplicable.

Apologise to your mother for getting it so wrong.

This is a controlling manipulative man.
Who cares if he is on the spectrum.

He's an arsehole.
You need to do a Claire's law check on him.
Tell the police your mother has been warned by friends about him.

Take it very seriously.
He reads as controlling and predatory.

He may well have neurodivergent traits, but being autistic and being abusive are not mutually exclusive. As you say, he recognises his behaviour can be problematic and can control his worst impulses when he wants to.

My guess is that he was especially rude to you because of jealousy, and because you represent the biggest threat to him - you’re the one person who can cut through the noise of his incessant neediness, love-bombing and mansplaining, and wrest your mother out of his control.

And it is control. Controlling behaviour usually comes from a place of insecurity, so it’s easy to excuse and feel sorry for the person engaged in this behaviour - at the beginning. But by the end he will have worn down and reduced the mum you currently know to a shadow of herself. Isolationist tactics, encroaching on her life to the exclusion of everything and everyone else, talking down to and diminishing her - it’s the standard playbook. Next he’ll be punishing her ‘transgressions’ (i.e. anything he doesn’t want her to do/think/feel/say) with sulking, brooding, anger and withholding.

IME people meeting second-time-around partners in later life tend not to chop and change once a bond has been established, no matter how suboptimal the partner. You may not be too late to save her from this inevitable trajectory, but if it goes on much longer OP, you’ll lose her to this shitty man.

You sound like the loveliest person but really...!

Maybe my family are peculiar or something but we really do speak our minds to each other, never rude, never swearing, never bombastic but we get our points across! Stop treading so carefully.

Honestly! You need to sit your lovely Mum down and tell her what for! This man sounds awful. Talking over you, rude to you, bombarding your mother with messages, it's all unpleasant.

It has happened to my late FIL. A woman made a play for him, it's such a long story, can't go into it... needless to say he changed his Will, and most of my DH's treasured family possessions are now with her family (she has since died) and we will never see them again.

"I simply don't like him and feel like I'm really trying to!"

You're trying to ignore your instincts for your mum's sake. And because you don't want to come across as the jealous daughter.

Your mum is probably ignoring her instincts for his sake because she's 'fallen for him' what with him being so misunderstood and all that. And also for her own sake as she enjoys being in a relationship again.

I would keep an eye on things and share your concerns with your mum. She needs another voice in her ear to counterbalance him and his mind conditioning.

Letting himself in to cook the meal etc. in context with everything else? Ugh! I can almost imagine him earmarking the page in his text book.

Don't try to like him. Go with your instinct. It sounds spot-on to me.

Personally I’d have asked that he goes to visit his wife’s grave in his own so that you can spend some quality time together. If he didn’t understand this then that’s another thing your mum needs to see against him.
why would his ex want his new woman to visit her grave anyway?

I think you need to make it clear that her relationship is her choice, you’ll support her whatever she decides but you are concerned about … And spell your thoughts out directly without hedging around anything.

Just adding to my pp.
I'd say 'look mum I've seen enough. I don't like the way he treats you or me'.
Add more if you wish but you need to be frank.
I told my friend her chap was controlling and after her cash (her mother's really as he proposed marriage after seeing the family home). The mother is 86.
I always preface hard talk with 'you can tell me to bog off but...'

I think that even if he were autistic and unaware (but it seems that's not the scenario exactly) - what is the material difference in how that affects her life?

Can you encourage her to visualise how this is going to go? He won't and can't change. He has been unbearable with you, her daughter, arguably the one person he should be getting 'on side'! What's already happened is that you don't want to be around him, or them. Projecting forward, you wouldn't be present as much. Her friends, who have already flagged this up with her, will disperse. Can she, at 68, afford in social terms to be without (or with far less) female friendship and family?

And he's 73. Once he's got her isolated, all she will have to do is look after him in his old age. It would be an absolute no from me, I have to say.

All the very best, I know this is tricky. But this man is not her responsibility. It isn't her responsibility if he's neurodivergent and needs a degree of understanding. He seems far beyond that.

The guy she’s started dating is very intense and was wanting to spend all of his time with her so she was finding it hard to balance all the other commitments. I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago.

This is a red flag in itself, and implies that he is just looking for somebody to quickly fill his wife's shoes.

There is a vacancy and your mother has just been recruited to fill a role that he has already defined.

He doesn't even need to be particularly 'evil' to act like this. Just be a man without much self awareness or empathy.

I’ve been thinking about this OP and I don’t want to make you more worried and upset than you already are, but in order to get your point across to your mum now, I think this is necessary.

I think when you do talk to your mum (and it needs to be ASAP), you need to start with a big apology.

I have re-read your first post and you really have repeatedly tamped down on all her initial misgivings and caused her to question her own judgement.

You basically gave this man your seal of approval before you’d even met him and I think it had given him the green light and now she says she has “fallen for him” in her mind you gave her permission to. You gave your blessing.

It’s going to feel a bit rich to her that you are now saying you have strong concerns.

But say it you must.
All this needs to be undone carefully, urgently, with humility but firmly.

You only had good intentions, and wanted the best for your mum, but I think you have been naive and I actually wonder about your own boundaries (this may be worth exploring at a future date).

I think you can explain all of this to your mum. I would be very honest.

But however she (and you) got here. It is not too late to change course.

It may even help her if this is your mistake.

edited to add: I’m sorry it really spun like I am blaming you here and I don’t mean to. He has been lovebombing your mum and she is a grown woman with her own mind too. I just think this might be an effective way to approach it with her.
and you are obviously a wonderful, caring daughter.

@Blueblell @EdisinBurgh

Excellent posts!

OP time is of the essence. Show her this thread. Highlight the concerns regarding his love bombing, isolating her, accessing her home etc.

PP have raised excellent points. She needs to know her concerns are valid. She needs support to end this relationship. He will undoubtedly take it badly.

Make sure her finances and assets are secure.

Trust your gut OP. You sound like a lovely daughter.

Abusive behaviour doesn’t become less abusive for the victim if the perpetrator is autistic.

I would be wary of him trying to create a fall out between you and your mum. Sounds like he likes her to himself.

I would do a Clare's Law request asap. He has tried to isolate your mum already as you are not able to spend time with her on your own. Visit her as much as possible and also ask her to come and stay with you after she has changed her home key code.

(Sorry, am just reading your posts OP and jumping in...)

This isn't just 'being a bit rude', it's deep misogynistic male behaviour! He doesn't like women not listening to him! He doesn't like women talking!

@AurumVox he is worng one ! He is so insecure in himself he wants to knock your mum down a peg or two to feel better about himself and it won’t work .
You care about your mum so much you are worrying too much . When you really need to see it and tell her for what it is .
You need to try gently and get her away from
him. She is vulnerable after loosing your dad and this horrible mane plays on that like his type do.

Why did you encourage her to see someone when she was raising massive red flags?

He's going to be a lot harder to get rid of now, the alternative is that he ends up isolating your mother from good friends and family.

First of all, get a whole day with your mum and without him. Secondly, I would be honest about what was going through your mind earlier, when you encouraged the relationship and what you fear is happening now.

Ask if he has shown any interest in her finances. Whose idea was it for him to have access to the key safe?

If she tells you the story paying attention to what he’s done and what he’s suggested, she might see it more clearly than you outlining things- but do do that if she doesn’t. Be blunt if necessary. @AurumVox there are podcasts about this sort of thing, Shari Val has done some investigating into it for You and Yours and there are standalone ones too. It’s not rare, unfortunately. Also second the suggestion to ask for a Clare’s Law disclosure.

The one person I'd listen to, above anyone else, is my daughter. Please try to get through to her while you still have a chance.
I really don't like the way she is already choosing him above you (as evidenced by choosing to visit his dead wife's grave instead of spending the day with you).
Be truthful because t don't fall out with her because that may play right into his narrative.

Him being rude and abrupt is not about lacking social skills. It is his personality.

A lack of social skills just means he isn't covering up his rude abrupt personality under a social veneer.

He is 73 years old, he is not going to change. He is already a finished product.

Even if he is autistic that's one aspect, the other aspect is his actual personality - he is fixed in his rude ways and over-riding your mum's wishes.

I think your mum is a kind and lovely person looking for excuses as to why he is so rigid. But she doesn't have to accept any of this, she can meet a much nicer man.

Did his wife become disabled through scoliosis or did he isolate and diminish her? I wonder what her friends would say?

Does he have kids - does he see them?