Another Wedding One

Sadly I think the only person reevaluating the relationship will be you.

Your “friend” really should never have suggested that she needs to do so under these tragic circumstances. I simply cannot imagine anyone saying such a thing given your news. It’s utterly incomprehensible. Hence I would not dignify her inappropriate behaviour and comments with a response.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. You are being very reasonable and thoughtful to revise your celebrations in light of the circumstances. I think this reflects your sense of priorities, and speaks well of you and your fiance and where you put things in your relationship. I think that bodes well for your future together.

@YetAnotherWeddingOne

I am so sorry, this is so difficult.

Your 'friend' is behaving very badly.

Please do whatever is right for your family.

I can’t think of any reason she could possibly use to justify her behaviour. There have been some good suggestions on this thread, but honestly I probably wouldn’t reply, you can’t reason with someone who is being so ridiculous.

I hope you all have a lovely day and make some beautiful memories x

That's awful.

Message suggestion:
"All my truest friends have totally understood how stricken we are as a family and have accepted that we are getting through this awful time as best we can while we still have (sister) with us. You are the only former guest who is casting herself in the role as victim to intrude into our family tragedy. That tells me everything I need to know. Please leave us alone"

I've got trauma around this sort of thing and I know it's not all about me and can put that aside to support other people. To explain anything that might seem a bit odd, I am just up front with people. I tell them I have this trauma and how it might affect me, tell them if that limits my capacity to support in certain situations (because it's not actually support if I'm having a panic attack when they need support), and step up where I can. At least that way they can understand and realise it's not that I don't care but have my own challenges. Being able to support them 95% of the time and having them understand the other 5% seems kinder. I don't just run away and make them feel worse.

I'm so sorry about your sister. What an awful devastating time for your family. It sounds like you are doing the right thing for you in the circumstances.

As for the friend, I'd honestly tell her to fuck off and block her. She's an insensitive selfish cow and not a friend at all.

I am so sorry for the devastating situation of your sister. My heart breaks for you.

Drop this friend like a hot potato. What a horrible bitch.

I m sorry about your sister, it must be a dreadfully upsetting time

i think your friend is showing that actually she is not a friend, anyone who is would understand, congratulate you, show understanding and support about your sister, and ask what they could do to support

i would get in first, I would go back and say you ar having a really tough time, which she obviously doesn’t understand or care about, you have reevaluated your friendship and are done

then block

Could it be that your friend doesn't understand why your sister's diagnosis means that you no longer want friends at your wedding and has taken it personally.

I would pick up the phone and give her a piece of my mind and never speak to her again.

I’m so sorry to hear about your sister. This must be such a sad and devastating time for your whole family.

You are doing the right thing in rearranging your wedding and being very kind and loving towards your extended family.

It’s a terrible shame that your friend is behaving atrociously under these circumstances. However she is showing you in all awful Technicolor glory how utterly devoid of compassion and kindness and understanding her view is of this awful situation.

At a time like this you need to be surrounded by empathy and people who know how to behave even if they haven’t experienced anything similar. Your other friends have all shown their compassion but sadly the true colours of your friend are showing themselves here in an awful way.

You have much greater issues to deal with than this old friend who isn’t going to feature in your life going forward. She is selfish and utterly uncaring and unkind. Don’t reply and in time sadly unless a massive apology is forthcoming I doubt she will continue to be in your life.

I hope you manage to enjoy your wedding at this difficult time and wish you well. Please don’t waste your energy on someone who really doesn’t deserve it.

Dear....

My. Sister. Is. Dying.

I am sorry you are only able to think about yourself at this time.

Yours.....

OP, I work in a wedding venue- and we've hosted these weddings; where dates have been moved due to illness. In my experience, these weddings have been full of tears and laughter; it's like everyone is knitted more closely together. And when someone cries, you all understand. But it is also becomes a time to share happy memories, laugh, take loads of photo's.

Your ex-friend doesn't belong there.

I think you're right, but it was just the worst thing though to do to my mum. She'd had a hard life, I think yes, something had triggered that reaction. Both my sister and mum were very hurt by it though.

They do I'm afraid @YetAnotherWeddingOne . People show you either the best of themselves or the worst. It is an awful situation to be in but it does give a lot of perspective and helps you sniff out the bullshit a lot quicker and easier. Dignified silence is the way I'd play it. She isn't deserving of a response. Imagine trying to make the worst thing happening to your family right now about her. Selfish so and so.

This might be a silly thing to recommend; but we found nature programmes the most soothing thing to watch when my sister was terminal. We'd sit and listen to David Attenborough and watch Planet Earth etc and just hold hands, silently and just let the calmness of nature take away the grief. We couldn't as a family watch any other types of TV, it was weird; everything was a reminder of either death or bloody cancer. My sister was at peace watching them with me, it became our thing each night. That and board games!

Treasure your moments and focus on her and the family. Ignore this "friend". Not a friend! Just a selfish person.

Xx

@Well1mBack in your example it sounds like this woman has some kind of trauma, going to such lengths to avoid such a difficult subject and then her reaction to the passing. I know it must have seemed crazy. But there’s clearly more to it from her perspective. (And I’m so sorry for your loss).

OP, no need to reply to friend. Focus on your loved ones. It’s such a shame your friend has behaved this way and you’ve every right to feel upset about it. Don’t worry about her. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.

I am so sorry about your sister, and about you having to rearrange.

I have to agree with everyone else, your friend's behaviour is unbelievable.

I also agree with the majority that you should simply not reply. It is not worth your emotional energy right now. Focus on your wedding, and on your sister and any support you can give to her dc.

Some people can be terribly disappointing. I’m so sorry for your sister, and the situation you’re all in after her diagnosis. Focus on yourself and your family as you adjust to this new reality, and don’t give this waste of space another thought.

I am sorry that this is happening to your sister and your whole family.

Ignore and block the awful former friend. You don't owe her anything and you will be better off without this drama at this difficult time.

She really isn’t a friend, or someone you need in your life. So no need wasting energy thinking up a reply. Just ignore.

I’m so sorry about your sister.

My only sister died of cancer when we were in our mid 20s. I'm two years older, our birthdays days apart. She was my best friend I'm still not okay and that's been over 10 years. I am absolutely appalled that a so called friend has behaved in this way. Do not reply. Do not even deign to give her the dignity of a reply. Focus on your sister. Focus on your love for her and your family. Some people show their true colours when this sort of thing happens.

One of my mum's friends for example, a really close friend, wouldn't visit my mum at all during my sister's illness. Actively avoided my mum. Once in a restaurant locally, saw us and ran (RAN!!) in the other direction. Didn't call mum, didn't speak to her at all in those two years my sister was going through treatment. The day, and I mean THE DAY my sister died she turned up at our door. At my parents house. Crying and saying she was distraught. I asked her to leave my mum couldn't even process what was going on. The funeral directors had only just left half an hour before with my sister's body. This woman, who'd actively hung up, ran out of a restaurant, crossed the street and turned away to avoid my mum and my sister when she was alive, had the audacity to turn up at our house the day she died crying about how upset she was. Insane. Some people show you who they are. This is one of those times for you. Do not engage with this friend. She is not deserving of it.

Also sending you so much love. To you and all your family. I'm so so sorry. Xx

I'm sorry for your family's situation, that's awful news and presumably your sister isn't that old.
Your best friend is being hugely selfish. There are no words to respond to her, because she will take umbridge at any and all.
Your Future DH is right. A dignified silence is the best way to manage this.
Be with your sister and family, have as good a day as you can, and your friend can wait until you have emotional brain space to deal with her tantrum.