DH and I disagree on everything since having a baby - normal?

It does sound like he’s helping which is good but he’s not a babysitter!! It should be a case of when he’s not at work you’re both taking care of the baby unless one of you is doing housework/ going /gym etc. it shouldn’t be a case of it’s bc all on you except between this time and that time. He also shouldn’t come and go as he pleases. He doesn’t have free rein anymore the child is both your responsibility.

Tell him that the parent who is doing the job (whether it's making the bottle or dressing the baby or whatever) will do it their way, and don't discuss it further. You don't want to get into that dynamic where one parent (the female one, usually) appoints themselves Head Parent and is constantly bossing the other one. Or get into that thing where the mother constantly tells the father he's doing everything wrong with the dc until he gives up, and then complains that he doesn't do enough. You both have to learn to be confident as parents; take a deep breath, and don't monitor / boss each other. Don't watch what he's doing with the baby; go and do something else. And never let him boss / lecture you.

Maybe also tell him that "football culture" is part of the air we breathe and as soon as ds starts mixing with anyone other than his parents, he'll be exposed to it - however, the fact is that kids are their own people, not machines that you program, and he will either like football or not. But if he doesn't want to listen, he'll find out in time.

My second child slept 1 hour every 24 hours 🤣
She never slept through the night, even when she was older, she never slept!
She was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 7!!!
All she ever wanted to do was feed!
yet I still managed to get everything done every day!
when she was 13 weeks old I got pregnant again!!
Maybe some people just cope and get on with it!

While building in time for you to sleep is a good thing, that certainly shouldn't be all he's doing. Baby should/could also be sleeping for at least some of that time. Weekdays only?

What does his doing "whatever" on weekends mean? He'll do whatever is needed or he'll do whatever he wants? I suspect it's the latter.

My LO is only 3mo but feel like I've just been through similar, to an extent! My DH is wonderful, took on all the cooking and cleaning since I gave birth (and did most of both throughout my pregnancy as well), really tries to be supportive, WFH but more than one job. And I was still snappy with him postpartum ☹️

The sleep deprivation really gets to you, and I think also having this precious baby who you both love more than each other, that's a bit of a shock! Plus if something feels like a safety issue you can't just let it go like you would some minor other disagreement.

Things that helped:

• really try and see things from the other person's viewpoint on your own, as well as sitting down together and talking through your reasoning. I felt less irritated by my DH being against any form of co sleeping when I imagined if he was trying to do it and I'd be absolutely against it (dad doing it isn't in the safe seven anyway but just an example)

• try things both ways and see if either way actually causes a problem. For example the bottle feeding (I do kind of agree with your DH there, it helps reduce gas), has he noticed that helps LO have less wind? Have you seen a difference doing it your way?

• if something's not causing a problem, even if it's different to what you yourself would do, just let the other parent get on with it when they're looking after LO. It's not really a break for you if you think you have to micromanage your DH (I also snapped at mine for giving me unsolicited breastfeeding advice after a sleepless night at 5am)

• Overnights: My DH is basically nocturnal so he was fine taking LO for several hours at night so I could sleep, once I figured out pumping (I have him back now), but he was also working during this time. 10pm-4am is a lot! Especially if he has to work the next day. You could work out a schedule where your DH takes him from 9pm-1am or something while you sleep, then you have LO back.

• sit down and agree how you will get some 'me' time as mum. It's fair that you have LO during the day if you're on mat leave but outside of working hours there should be more of an even split. Personally I'm almost always on baby duty but I'm breastfeeding and LO is also having a very clingy phase - plus my DH does all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry etc. He's taken him while I went back to a yoga class last week and LO was really upset so I'm leaving that until he's older. But as a suggestion, I've been doing YouTube workouts with baby, and signed up to some mum and baby exercise classes.

That said, it's not fair for your DH to be going to the gym regularly and you not, especially if your baby isn't having that separation anxiety. Would DH taking him after work every day mean he also couldn't go to the gym? Try and work out a schedule where you're both able to go a few times a week at least. And it's not fair for DH to be having a full day of downtime - ask him (or you) to work out how much leisure time he expects a week, then point out how little you're getting. Very different if he's spent the day doing stuff for the house vs relaxing while you're on baby duty.

Finally forget future hobbies! Baby is tiny, it hasn't happened yet so worry about all that in future. You don't even know how LO will feel about it!

Edit: I also really need physical touch as affection so tell him you're missing it and would love some recognition for the work you're doing. And give that to him as well, we always thank each other if we notice a job done. I would try and find things to thank DH for or tell LO complimentary things about daddy in front of him

@safetyfirst1 I feel your frustration I really do. In case nobody has told you… your doing AMAZING and honestly a superwoman surviving the birth navigating the healing process and getting yourself into any kind of routine with healthy food and exercise is a massive credit to you… all whilst taking care of a baby which is a full time job itself without any breaks, what women do is incredible and honestly managing to even shower at midnight is an achievement !!! He’s not walking your shoes and it is a very insensitive comment showing very little acknowledgement for what you’re doing and how much you’re clearly juggling. Your dealing with many new emotions and massively out your comfort zone so need his support not his critical judgements. Not giving you any affection like a simple hug is strange and I’d be feeling really hurt by that.

My partner was also obsessed with the gym and even before my daughter was born he was negotiating with me how many gym sessions he could have a week. Apparently 5 was the minimum 😂

However I can tell you all my friends have children and 90% of them have the same complaints with their partner, it is very common for this dynamic to happen, I’d just suggest open communication between you both as best you can to avoid resentment building as this can fester and unspoken issues create bigger ones. It really is a challenging time and it does get worse before it gets better. Both your lives have changed and it is very difficult to navigate but it sounds like your doing incredibly
well x

Sorry, what?

The newborn stage is easy if you have an easy baby - which from the sounds of things you did.

My baby had reflux and woke every 30 minutes screaming all day and night and clusterfed from 5pm to 2am daily for weeks on end. If she was put flat on her back, she screamed as if she was dying. I often couldn't have a shower for a few days and I once fell asleep standing up. When you know one baby, you know one baby. The newborn stage is often very hard psychologically for people and particularly if they have a tricky baby.

I think the things you’re arguing about are small fry, you each get to decide how you do those things when you’re in charge or baby. Ignore the football thing for now. The real issue is DH’s attitude in general. My DH ran himself ragged looking after me/the house/DS when I was post C section (and I was still annoyed with him a lot lol). He did my injections, helped me in and out of the shower etc. He did all the washing. We then struggled with finding our 50/50 rhythm but we got there. It is simple really. If he goes to the gym for two hours, I get two hours to do what I want! His gym time is not more important than my needs. As others have said, you’re in charge of baby whilst he’s working and a bit more at night (only whilst on maternity leave). But the rest of the time you should be 50/50. You’re far more tired/in need of a break than he is anyway! You need to sit down and discuss this - try to choose a time when you’ve both just got a couple of hours of sleep if possible! Life changes after a baby and he needs to adjust more. And it does get easier as they get a few months older I promise!!!

This is how I feel but then I’m Scouse too 😅 Football is definitely a religion with us and tend to be born into one camp or another.

I think it's fair enough to point out the feeding position - there are safety guidelines on this which should be easy enough to show him.

His offer of having the baby 6 hours out of 24 isn't fair at all and I would be pushing back on this - unless he is also cooking, sorting laundry, doing all the household jobs etc in his 'baby-free' time - I'd much rather be looking after my baby than ironing! If you are doing the house and the baby while he does his own thing then this is not fair and I'd focus on this over football shirts and how many layers the baby is wearing.

So he is 'on duty' for 6 hours a day (when the baby might be sleeping anyway) and the rest of the time you are the default parent and he gets to spend the time as he pleases?

I think with parenting you both need to accept (truly accept, not just tolerate) that it’s ok to do things differently!

He can feed his way, you can feed yours. He can dress them his way, you can do yours etc etc.

Babies will make it known if they’re not happy and whoever is looking after them at that point can adjust what they’re doing.

re getting time to yourself. This is the area where I do think it’s worth picking your battle…. parenting can be exhausting and even simple things can be hard. We used to do a quick check in on weekends and after DH got in from work to see who wanted/needed to do what and make a rough plan to accommodate it all so we both got what was important.

If I left my newborn to cry my dh woke, and when his sleep was disturbed he was at increased risk of a psychotic episode. Not everyone's life is the same and if the newborn stage is easy you just think you got lucky, not that other parents are doing it wrong.

My baby would scream hysterically if I did that. Not just grumble. I tried having a shower with her in bouncy chair. She was beside herself. Not worth it. I'd rather do it late at night in that case.
She also only contact naps or naps in the buggy/car so I can neither sleep or get jobs done when she naps.
Your baby may have been easier but not all babies are.

Well aren't you marvellous? You should write a book about how easy parenting a new born is because the new born stages are really easy for every single woman and they are just being lazy and making a fuss if they struggle.

It's really normal to bicker a lot after having kids so try not to make any big decisions about your relationship for the next few months.

Re most of your points, I think it's up to the caregiver to decide. Eg if you're dressing the baby you choose, if DH does it then it's his choice, and neither of you criticise the other. Unless it's a safety issue obviously.

He's being selfish about the gym. If he's going regularly then it's only fair for you to go to. Don't give up on this one!

Most of the things you mentioned don’t matter that much. The exercise thing is annoying.

It does change your relationship. I found that doing everything 50/50 did not work because we argued. It was better to have areas of responsibility that the other had nothing to do with. It works particularly well if you both like doing different tasks.

Tell him that you doing exercise is non negotiable and discuss what time works the best for both of you. I did buy a running machine because I wanted to be more flexible with timings. The white noise helped the baby sleep.

You sound insufferable.

To the OP, most relationships pre and post kids are not comparable. He sounds like he's not doing enough though. It also sounds like you're arguing with him about things he doesn't need to be corrected on.

To encourage him to spend more time with the baby, I'd praise him when he does. No you shouldn't have to but men tend to respond better to positive affirmation.

On your last point, surely this is how most kids end up supporting their chosen team - because they are encouraged by a family member(s), be that Mum, Dad, Grandad, Uncle, Auntie etc?

I grew up in a family of Evertonians (except my Uncle Pete, who was turned to the dark side as a kid by his Godfather) and it would never have occurred to me to support any other team. I’m unclear on the issue?

You are both tired.
It matters not the answers to those questions.
When you are looking after baby heat until skin temp and dress in the number of layers you think but assess baby for his comfort. Don't worry to ask DH if you are happy with what you are doing and baby is content.
Likewise, when DH is dressing baby, he will dress him the number of layers that he thinks is right and he'll heat the bottle to slightly cooler. You will both learn what baby likes best. Baby might love variety.

Don't comment on the football thing but do ask DH to look after your child while you have some time off during the day - equal to his gym time. Can you both pram to the gym and both do some gym?
If DH is working a money paying job all day it is unusual and unfair for him to attend all night regularly to the baby. A couple of hours each night and all night on rare occasions and on weekends is generous.

To me the insight that I got from MN much further on into ds's life was that what drove me mad was dh's assumption that I was the default parent.

So it's not that 'I will take the baby 9pm to 1am and 730 am to 9.30am' is so infuriating,l in itself, it's that he is ALSO saying 'you will have the baby 1am to 730 am and 9.30am to 9pm' without acknowledging that's what he's doing, because someone has to look after the baby, and he gets to choose what hours he will do, while you don't.

I think he is struggling to try and find a way to keep working and keep going, and finding it bloody hard. I think trying to force a schedule that rigid is going to lead to more arguments at times because babies don't work like that. But, if he will do a reasonable job in those hours and you can rely on them, it could be worth trying to let go of some of the fury, find a way back to connecting. I'd also say this is a good time to try and make some external support networks.

No, of course it’s not fair. He absolutely can function without the gym and needs to learn that! Honestly it infuriates me how many man carry on as though nothing has changed in their lives when there’s a new baby, meanwhile a bomb has gone off in their partner’s life! Any time he’s not at work, the parenting should be spilt 50/50. While he’s at work, looking after the baby is your job - the rest of the time everything should be equal - leisure time, sleep, jobs etc.

No he doesn’t sound like he is being fair. Why does his gym time trump your needs? Essentially he is “willing” to “give you” 9pm to 1am to sleep and 7.30-9.30am to catch up on sleep missed over the 6.5 hours you have done at night. When do you get time to shower, exercise or just do other stuff? Babies do get easier but I suggest you don’t agree to a shift pattern which lets him carry on almost as normal while you are dragged down by relentless demands by your baby allowing you no down time. If he works only 6 hours then the remaining 18 hours should be split. He does 9 and you do 15 while you are on maternity leave. You definitely need a more equal split weekends. It is normal to bicker if one person is resentful and he sounds controlling. Why does he get to decide whether your son is into football when he is older? I would park that though and deal with the here and now.

I agree with pp about not becoming the baby expert. You'll end up as default parent forever. If he's making a bottle, walk away. If he's dressing the baby, walk away.

He needs to give you more time on your own if he's down the gym. This needs to be a clear conversation that sets the boundaries for downtime now before it gets too engrained.

The football thing would annoy me. I am not a football fan, dh is and he comes from a football family. To ban it is like banning Sunday roasts. For them it is so cultural. To ban the baby is an act to distance you from your family.