To have refused to make Sunday dinner today, actually

Op said in her first post that he cooks but tends to make a mess .

what was he doing whie you were out with the DC for nearly 6 hours? Because no, I'd not be wanting to cook after a day like that either, speciially if my DH had been sittin gon his arse doing nothing except a little light tidying!

I have never cooked Sunday lunches as they were such a pain when I was growing up, all morning to prepare and not cleared up until 2 so spoilt the day.
I do occasionally cook a roast midweek if I am in the mood, but weekends are always easy food at 6ish so we can go out for the day.
Today we had chicken escolopes with new potatoes, peas and sweet corn. This took half an hour to prepare and was not expensive there is also hardly any washing up.

I understand completely having married a self employed man. The hours worked were crazy.

However, I never cooked a roast dinner at the weekend because we preferred to do something enjoyable, especially in the summer we had a hobby shared as a family. I occasionally cooked a roast dinner during the week.

I suggest you bin roast meals on a Sunday unless you fancy doing one say in the winter.

This. Dh runs his own business. Absolute earliest he is home is 5.30 but mostly much later. He has to go where the work is and can often be a distance away.

I tend to set the machine to come on say 6am , or dh will start it. So when I get up I hang it out.
If it's a day I work he does school run , I do all after school clubs, all cooking but when dh is home he always does baths and bed for kids, school books and whatever is needed. And always on weekends.

Why all washing at weekends? Split washing 50/50 Tumble dryers are your friend.
Husband prep meals etc

Absolutely nothing wrong with getting a takeaway on Sunday, your dh is being weird.

He can always cook himself for the family on a Sunday, literally 60 million easy to follow recipes at the tip of his fingers!! Get him to crack on!

He works longer hours in the week but you do more childcare.
Weekends should be 50/50.
Arsing around with his lawn can take a back seat.

YANBU. It’s just food, and if it’s that important to him he should help with the cooking.

Yeah he needs to climb aboard the Laundry train. No reason he can’t hang a load out before work. No reason he can’t fold a basket or 3 of an evening watching tv. He doesn’t get to do all the occasional and solo (relaxing - hello garden pottering!!) jobs whilst you do the dross, day in day out. If you had the kids all day he could have managed more than a bit of tidying!! He could have made a full roast and done some batch cooking for the week!! And we have a “you cook, you clean up, I cook, I clean up” alternating rota as this stops anyone getting an easy ride whilst stitching their partner up.

Stop running.

Sit and relax. Say no to the party. Say no to the activity. Cook some simple food with minimal fuss. Or better just do some sandwiches. Relax and enjoy your life.

If your husband puts pressure on you to do some elaborate meal, just say “that doesn’t work for me today”. No explanation. No drama.

Ours have gone since they were babies and without wanting to sound pompous - which I will, but I still hope the advice is helpful - they have always been pretty perfect. One or two times it went a bit wrong, ( breadbasket as a hat) but on the whole taking them from the start makes them get the gist of what’s expected before they reach the bad behaviour stage.

Your husband sounds painful in terms of his expectations of you. It's simply unfair that he thinks you should be cooking a dinner having given him a child-free day. I do a roast on a Sunday but make my life VERY easy in that regard. So easy that even my can't cook/won't cook husband can do it. It basically involves buying pre-prepared meat and then Tesco roast veg, duck fat potatoes,
stuffing etc. All trays and then it's all just a matter of timing which Alexa takes care of. I do boil up some broccoli 10 mins before the end but I really don't mind that. If money isn't an issue, I'd be throwing these things into the trolley once a week and telling him you hope he'll have it ready when you're all home. If you make enough and have a microwave, it'll get you off cooking on Monday too!

I also agree that you need a reset of who does what in your house. Does he spend any time with the children at all? It honestly doesn’t sound like it. That’s so sad for them.

Get the gardener back. Your husband needs to prioritise other things Little projects that he likes doing are not a priority when his wife is burning out juggling everything else and his kids never see him.

There’s a woman near me who does a service wash: collects, washes, folds and returns. Lifesaver and really recommend. Find ways to do less if you can afford it. Outsource all the stuff DH should be doing. Sunday dinner can obviously fuck off. I am currently making vegan food DH will not eat. DD is making food for her sibs. Who knows what he was eat.

What was he doing whilst you were out being busy with the kids from 11am till 4.30pm?

He sounds so lazy. Surely he can cook if it bothers him that much - and cook in a way that doesn’t fuck the kitchen up?! Or he could have taken the kids out?!!

Cook are quite good aren’t they.

I often use the desserts for entertaining now.

Of course small children are hard work in restaurants, taking them is how they learn how to behave but it takes time.

Suggest he could cook the Sunday roast and cleans the kitchen afterwards. Alternatively, if he doesn't want takeaway, send him to the supermarket for a rotisserie chicken and some ready prepped sides. YANBU to want a break from cooking at least once a week when your children are so young.

His "helpful" chores in the family are restful, peaceful, solo and take him away from family life. You are in the thick of it always and that is exhausting. He needs to spend more time doing the jobs you do, the garden can wait. The bins take less than 5 mins a week. Things that need fixing are rarely urgent and there will always be snagging.

Funny thing about when things are divided thus, men doing bins, garden and DIY, those jobs tail off seasonally or take mere minutes, whereas a domestic and life admin responsibility never ever ends. Time to share and swap jobs.

He can make dinner himself if he doesn’t like it. Does he ever do that?

The Sunday roasts is an easy one to drop. I'd also replace Saturday dinner with a picnic meal.

You need to build more leeway into your weekends or you're going to burn out. If your husband won't step up, book a fortnightly babysitter for Saturday morning and do something you want to do - gym, swimming, get them to take the kids out and catch up on sleep.

If he gets to spend his weekends mooching around doing non-jobs and avoiding family life, you need to build the same leeway in for you, with or without his help. Throw money at the problem if you have to.

Only make a traditional Sunday lunch if and when you want to. And make your DH pitch in so it's not all on you. Whatever makes life more pleasant and easier for you is what you should be opting for. I have memories of many a stressful Sunday lunch where my dad had disappeared down to the pub and my mum was losing the plot because he wasn't back in time to carve the meat. Then we'd be berated for eating it so quickly (normal speed) when it took so long to prepare. Honestly, it was not fun. I never ever ever ever cook a Sunday roast now and never have and never will. DH occasionally does one as an evening meal. Wow I am actually surprised at the strength of my feelings about this!

short answer: if he wants a sunday lunch there's nothing stopping him from cooking it, with the caveat he cleans up (properly) after too.

long answer: spend the money you were spending on a gardener going out for lunch. you can get nice meals in a decent pub where you could be in and out in an hour to help with your 3 year old, or could even sit outside on a sunny day so he can run around. Although tbh I wouldn't want a sunday lunch every week anyway.

It never ceases to amaze me how many men in households where chores are split along gender lines honestly seem to think things like "bins" (5 min job once a week) and "laundry" (several hours every week) are an equal approximation.
Same with "mowing the lawn" (unless you live in buckingham palace a half hour job that only needs to be done every few weeks for half the year) and "cooking" (easily an hour every single day by the time you've including meal planning, shopping, prep, cooking and cleaning up after).

I told my husband I’m not making my usual elaborate Sunday dinner today and I’ll be ordering a takeaway, to which he seemed a bit annoyed. @notto

Why is he annoyed? You've suggested an alternative with a takeaway, and you've said you can afford it, so I honestly don't understand why he's annoyed.

YANBU, stop the habit now of Sunday lunches every week and only do them when you feel like it. Which may be never, not everyone does this and there shouldn't be any pressure.