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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have refused to make Sunday dinner today, actually

213 replies

notto · 25/05/2025 17:17

My husband and I work full time, kids are 3 and 5.

it’s full on during the week. I take care of all the drop offs and pick ups and do bed time and dinner alone every night. My husband’s schedule won’t allow for any leeway during the week, he leaves before they get up and comes back when they’re sleep. It is what it is.

at weekends, it’s a mad rush for me to try to get laundry done, children’s birthday parties, kids activities, family time etc etc. my husband tends to do garden chores, fixing things and bins.

in any case, I get pretty overwhelmed at weekends because it just seems like the mess the kids make, the constant making food and clearing up, never stops. I know, it’s all normal. We all do it.

but I believe that I sometimes need a fucking break. I took the kids out at 11 am this morning to tennis and then took them to lunch and playground and park. I didn’t get back until 4:30 pm.

I told my husband I’m not making my usual elaborate Sunday dinner today and I’ll be ordering a takeaway, to which he seemed a bit annoyed.

yesterday I cooked. I don’t need to spend all fucking weekend cooking surely ? He always acts like he’s hard done by, if I’m not obsessing over what we are all going to eat. ‘ well what are we going to have for dinner ? ‘ he asks. Like how dare I not have been thinking about, all day ? Our mums are the types to just think about what they’re going to eat and have it all planned out. I don’t always.

I also don’t think it’s a big deal to get a Deliveroo tonight. I’ve done enough, I do enough. I’m also tired.

I don’t really like it when he cooks, because he fucks up the entire kitchen. So usually I just do it. He did tidy while I was out. He also tidied yesterday when I was in bed with a migraine. But still.

surely at the weekend, one meal out or one takeaway should be the norm at the very least, if not two( we can afford it ). With our schedule ! Some weekends I literally lose my mind, as it gets on top of me. So surely it’s better to try and give me a beak.

OP posts:
Simplelobsterhat · 25/05/2025 19:12

I don't understand why you are doing all the taking children places at the weekend? Particularly if you do all the cooking as well. If he leaves before they get up and comes home after bedtime midweek, when does he ever actually see his own children if he isn't looking after them at the weekend either?
But anyway, even if he was pulling his weight, it's never unreasonable to say you dint want to cook a particular meal if you are tired. There is no law about what you eat on a Sunday and most families these days don't do a roast every week.

Cynic17 · 25/05/2025 19:08

I have been married 36 years. I have never cooked a "Sunday dinner" in my entire life. My husband isn't at all bothered (and, if he was, he could cook it himself).
Life is too short to spend hours on this every week - just lie on the sofa and read a book instead!

Summerloveunderthetrees · 25/05/2025 19:07

ilovepixie · 25/05/2025 19:05

He’s working all hours to build a business and provide for his family. Being self employed doesn’t mean you get to knock off early. Do you think Alan Sugar made his millions by going home early!

but he won't let his partner use the funds he's working so hard for to buy a take-away or get a gardener so he can help out in the home more.

TinyTempest · 25/05/2025 19:06

butterpuffed · 25/05/2025 18:23

Op said in her first post that he cooks but tends to make a mess .

I don't get why anyone gives a shit if their partner makes a mess when they're cooking.

They just need to clean up afterwards and return the kitchen to normal.

Imbusytodaysorry · 25/05/2025 19:05

Saturday takeaway . Sunday lunch out .
or Friday takeaway . Saturday he cooks and Sunday lunch out.
He needs to step up more

ilovepixie · 25/05/2025 19:05

BIWI · 25/05/2025 17:35

He’s self employed

So he’s choosing to work the hours he does. He’s choosing not to do his fair share around the house.

He’s working all hours to build a business and provide for his family. Being self employed doesn’t mean you get to knock off early. Do you think Alan Sugar made his millions by going home early!

VictoriaEra2 · 25/05/2025 19:02

Same here, OP. But no one challenges me if occasionally I say we need a take away. I did that today as I wanted to watch the football

Summerloveunderthetrees · 25/05/2025 18:58

I'd love to potter about in the garden and put up shelves at the weekend and not have to worry about the actual functional running of home or taking my child anywhere....

Sorry to say, I think he's taking advantage of your giving nature here...

DreamTheMoors · 25/05/2025 18:57

You sound EXACTLY exactly like my mum.
And your husband sounds close to my dad - except my dad never did anything indoors.
Dad left before I got up and got home after I was asleep. I used to follow him around all day Sunday, from the garage to the yard & back.
Mum wasn’t exactly Betty Crocker - Dad never complained, and he took us out often, to give Mum a break. He was good that way. That was decades before delivery.
Then the heat got too much so Mum & I began doing the yard work too, because Mum worried about Dad’s heart.
Some day you’re going to look back fondly on these days - I know you’re thinking right now that that’s impossible, but you will.
I promise. ❤️

Ramblethroughthebrambles · 25/05/2025 18:56

I do have a cleaner and I send my ironing out. We used to have a Gardner do the lawn but my husband likes to do it, it’s his little project now.
I did try with a girl to help me in the evenings, but I found it a bit annoying. I manage to just do it on my own nowadays. The laundry is pretty daunting though, I must say and I have to stay in top of it to make sure my kids have their uniforms.

Have you noticed where you said I, me, my in the post above and where you said we? It's as if you are seeing all the traditionally female responsibilities as yours, despite working full time. I would see household ironing as 'ours' and we decided jointly who does it or whether it's sent out. Perhaps worth thinking whether you really believe in a gendered split. If so, you shouldn't be working full time or it's unfair. If not, you need a serious discussion about a fairer split of domestic labour. It's not all your responsibility.

GoingToGraceland · 25/05/2025 18:55

Like so many women, you've made a rod for your own back - and that's entirely on you i'm afraid. You've created the expectation and your reward will be resentment if you stop doing it, not gratitude that you did it for so long.

Apart from Christmas, I can't remember the last time I cooked a roast. It's such a waste of time! We go out and enjoy ourselves at the weekend, usually grabbing something whilst out or occasionally meeting friends for Sunday lunch at a pub. Nobody dies wishing they'd spent more time in the kitchen!

Your self employed husband prioritises work over family, probably to avoid being responsible for any domestic drudgery. My self employed husband always prioritised family over work. Probably earned a bit less than he could have done, but life's about the choices we make 🤷‍♀️

Lilactimes · 25/05/2025 18:52

Just as a side note re the messy kitchen after cooking.
Could you have a rule where at the weekend you do one larger meal each and you clear up after your own meal only?
My friends and I do this on Airbnb breaks. Means you get a clear sit down one of the evenings and you can control the washing up and clearing. If you choose to used every dish you have to clear it up.
Will leave others to comment on the uselessness of your DP in general @notto x

Cherrytree86 · 25/05/2025 18:51

Hillarious · 25/05/2025 18:49

Communication needs to be improved and he needs to manage his expectations. Cooking a Sunday roast need not be a big deal. I put the meat in the oven on the automatic cooking option. DH prepares the potatoes, veg and Yorkshires and I do the cheese sauce for the cauliflower and the gravy with the stock the meat was cooked in. We dip in and out of the kitchen and it’s not an onerous task. Always eaten in the evening. Re-educate him.

@Hillarious

not everyone wants to be dipping in and out of the kitchen all day on a weekend. What about going out?

Cherrytree86 · 25/05/2025 18:50

Bung a pizza in the oven OP @notto
job done

Hillarious · 25/05/2025 18:49

Communication needs to be improved and he needs to manage his expectations. Cooking a Sunday roast need not be a big deal. I put the meat in the oven on the automatic cooking option. DH prepares the potatoes, veg and Yorkshires and I do the cheese sauce for the cauliflower and the gravy with the stock the meat was cooked in. We dip in and out of the kitchen and it’s not an onerous task. Always eaten in the evening. Re-educate him.

AmandaHoldensLips · 25/05/2025 18:48

Why not suggest a change of roles for the next few weekends? So you get to potter around in the garden and fix a few DIY jobs while he corrals the kids, does the laundry, cooking and everything else you do at weekends.

Duvetsse · 25/05/2025 18:44

Gardening is his project to leave house and kids to you.
Loser.

Horses7 · 25/05/2025 18:39

You sound a saint and he’s pretty useless - I wouldn’t cook at weekends ever again.

Mammia135 · 25/05/2025 18:38

WhatNoRaisins · 25/05/2025 17:22

I can't believe you do it every Sunday, most SAHMs I know aren't doing that.

Likewise, I’m a SAHM and I do meals during the week, but DH who works full time does meals on the weekend to give me a break.

Happywishful · 25/05/2025 18:37

No way We are preparing a full on Sunday dinner every Sunday.We just go with the flow, depending how we are feeling and if we are going out. Tonight is fish and veggies. Quick, easy and hopefully healthy

PithyTaupeWriter · 25/05/2025 18:35

The division of labour is completely off. He can cook on the weekends. BTW I am self employed too and I could manufacture reasons to be away every week, but I don’t. I’m not necessarily saying that he’s making up reasons to be away from home, but the whole point of running your own business is to be able to be more flexible than people with normal 9-5 jobs. He needs to do a lot more when he is home. He’s not so busy and important that he can’t contribute to home life.

UrbanMonstrosity · 25/05/2025 18:35

How does he not see how unfair this is?
why can he not find quick dinners to make?
youcan have a nice dinner without making tonnes of mess and spending lots of time cooking.
we had a take away yesterday and today im cooking a chicken, potato and veg traybake.
No way am I being a slave to the kitchen.

MumWifeOther · 25/05/2025 18:33

Weekends should be for rest and family time. I would definitely refuse to cook on a Sunday until the kids are much older and actually appreciate a good meal, and when they want less of your time, which should be the priority if you’re both working full time I think. I would definitely do take aways / meal out / M&S or equivalent fancier ready meals in both Saturday and Sunday. Or things the kids can get involved in, like home made pizza etc.

RandomMess · 25/05/2025 18:33

Gardening is his project, what’s yours? Why does his need for a “project” that could be outsourced, override the family need for meals being cooked, laundry done, DC taken out - or are they viewed as your “project”

minnienono · 25/05/2025 18:30

Do “summer roasts” instead. Bung chicken pieces in oven (sprinkle on seasoning mix if you like) and even put in jacket spuds or boil new potatoes (I toss in olive oil then sour cream, spring onions and gherkins) and a bag of salad, takes 45 minutes total and I’m sat on the sofa most of it