To have refused to make Sunday dinner today, actually

His little project. snort
It's his 'get out of real work at home' project.
It's his 'not looking after his own children' project.

I'd insist on swapping weekend 'chores' for a month ... he won't want to ... that will be your first sign he's known all along he's opting out of doing his share at home and with his own children. And he should be cooking at the weekends.

Why are you doing all the running around to kids activities and birthday parties when the kids already barely see him all week? He should be up with them and doing meals and taking them to tennis and the playground.

Being self-employed is no excuse. He’s not a neurosurgeon who is on call. Dh has been self-employed since our 12 year old was 2 months old. If he isn’t collecting them from school, he jumps in to do the bulk of the parenting as soon as he walks in the door at night. At the moment, he does 80% of the driving around to evening activities. He takes them out solo on the weekends. He takes them away on his own. They are off camping this weekend because I can’t go. He does half the birthday parties. You can run your own business and still prioritise family life, if you want to.

Cooking a roast every Sunday is hard work. In fact I never make one now, I just go to the carvery. But you don’t have to make a roast every Sunday.

that is the family time, the downtime

I find being out with the kids so much easier and more relaxing that being home!

You are smart.
Out smart him.

I started doing "slow roast pull appart" beef/pork/chicken.
Put it the night before.
Or put it in the fridge and let THE MAN OF THE HOUSE put it in at whatever time he wakes up, just plaster stickie note what temp and that he can put it in right away...so he does not get flustered.

Slaping the name of some country and spice to get along and serving it with 15min effort of pasta, warmed tortilas, these shit half baked breads for traditional feel.
Also all vege is better not cooked so I cut it like 2 days ago or just opened a bag of prewashed salad and made a fuss about olive oil/lemon/whatever that compliments my chosen country.

Just make a dramatic thing of hours your dh now putts in and prepares a meal in front of children (and friends) and he will be ready to die on that hill and defend his RIGT to make it.
Bonus points for engageing him in picking that meat (like video call or screenshots) so he feels like real hunter. Or even better send him to buttchers with children but I guess it will take some time to get him to roll with 3y old, although few "look daddy will now pick the best meat forr dinner for us" will help ;)

Of course it is OK to get a takeaway / not have elaborate meals.

But…
I took the kids out at 11 am this morning to tennis and then took them to lunch and playground and park. I didn’t get back until 4:30 pm.

Why do 3 & 5 year olds need to go to tennis? And then to park and playground? It’s a lot of activity. Did you need to be out the whole day on your own with the kids?

Where’s the family time? The down time.

My partner introduced me to a fantastic system which really works. Whoever cooks the dinner does not clear up. This means we naturally take it in turns. The kids work in this system too.

Sounds like your husband needs to step up and do some parenting at the weekends.

Bins take 20minutes tops on bin night, depending on how much you need to sort recycling, and 5 minutes every couple of nights in the week.

How much needs fixing on a frequent basis?

An entire weekend gardening is a parenting avoidance tactic.

Your partner doesn't see the kids at all from Sunday bedtime until Saturday morning every week, yet he also didn't see them today from 11 until 4.30pm wtf?!!

Thats insane, poor kids! Even with hobbies, parties etc, if he drove them he'd be present in between

Is it the 1970s? The person who is at home while you were out sorts the dinner, surely.

We don’t know that he is free lance? Being free lance as you obviously know allows a lot more flexibility than being self employed

Don’t do the elaborate Sunday meal, my mother used to do it and it wasted the whole day. I’ve never done it and it frees up the whole day to do family outings- much better.

Your DH is behaving like a child, ‘what’s for dinner, mum?’; ‘but I don’t want that”. The man needs to grow up and start pulling his weight. He is doing the jobs he finds some fun eg the mowing the lawn is his project.
I am annoyed on your behalf, you sound frazzled. I think you should book some days out for you with a friend on the odd weekend so he can carry the whole load himself. You are not asking much, you asking a grown adult to be an adult. I hope things get easier.

Hey OP, invite a bunch of the neighborhood 3-5 yr olds (and their Mums, of course) around some weekend. Stand them up against a wall and then have your husband try to pick yours out of a line-up.
Hilarity will surely ensue.

I think tidying yourself to a Sunday roast, or other big meal on a Sunday, is an absolute fools errand when you have young children. Or at all really.

I don’t really enjoy doing roasts, so we don’t have them a lot. Honestly, I’d rather be having a day out with kids or getting some stuff done in the house than bringing the day to a standstill for elaborate cooking. Sometimes, of course, but not regularly.

My Mum used to “have to” do a Sunday roast every week - at my Dad’s “request” - and I remember Sundays being pretty miserable.

@notto I've just read your dc are 3 and 5 and you work full-time. I was at home until my youngest was settled in reception.

DH worked all the hours that God sent. He could not have at that stage if I'd been working full-time unless we'd had a full-time nanny and more. Looking back, he never questioned a penny I spent although admittedly I have never been the last of the big spenders!

That I completely understand and I sympathise.

If you WANT to make a roast, make a roast. Personally I am ordering pizzas 😂

I have also make a decision years ago to do NO CHORE at the weekend, laundry and cleaning are week jobs. Life is too short.

If you already have a cleaner and someone to iron, up to you how to organise your week, but I would not do things at the weekend. If you take 5 to 10mn at most every evening whizzing around the house to tidy up, and always go to bed in clean and tidy home (dusting and mopping can wait for the cleaner), it makes your life so much better. Just do it before sitting down.

I schedule my laundry to be finish by the time I wake up so I can hang it, and I do another load when I come home usually.

Why is he not parenting at weekends? What is he doing while you run round like a blue arsed fly taking the kids here there and everywhere? Then he expects you to bloody cook a full roast as well! What a joke! This needs to change.

it sounds like the routine you and your husband have got into is quite rigid and unforgiving. If sorting a Sunday roast leaves one family member feeling overspent and exhausted, what is the point?

Your kids would be happy with cheese on toast with some cucumber or whatever. I never do a Sunday roast and my kids are absolutely fine so honestly give yourself a break and I hope your husband has it in him to give you a break too.

We both have full on jobs and my husband is fairly lazy. I cook once per day at a weekend. Breakfast is Deliveroo Gail's croissants or out, Saturday lunch usually a restaurant, I cook a quick stir fry type dinner, Sunday lunch I cook something lovely and dinner is Deliveroo. I love cooking but with a 1 year old and a 3 year old, it's all I can manage. My issue is probably 25% the cooking and 75% the mess the kitchen is. Just be lazy, if he questions it say you're having a day off, he can sort all cooking and cleaning.

I’m sure there’s some pressure to work certain hours. I do understand that, having been a freelancer myself for several years. But equally, one of the key benefits of freelancing is the flexibility it affords you.

Yep. Classic burnout migraine.

laying in bed didn’t GIVE you the migraine. You were going to get that one whatever you did.

How much time did he spend with his children this weekend?

Why did he have kids if he never sees them Mon-Fri?

Sounds like you have two full time jobs while he just has the one.

I cannot imagine how stressful your life must be - I am tired just reading what you do day in day out.

He can hang out a load of washing before or after work and empty / reload a dishwasher, so put that delayed timer setting to use. He can put dry clothes away in wardrobes. He can peel a load of potatoes / carrots / mix up Yorkshire pudding batter and have all that ready for when needed if he wants a cooked dinner. He can lay a table. He can get food shopping. He can take children to kids parties at the weekends. He can have the kids out in the garden with him when he's gardening and teach them how to plant seeds.

But you can build in flexibility into your working day/week if you’re self-employed. That’s one of the biggest benefits of being self-employed.