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Original poster

To have refused to make Sunday dinner today, actually

213 replies

notto · 25/05/2025 17:17

My husband and I work full time, kids are 3 and 5.

it’s full on during the week. I take care of all the drop offs and pick ups and do bed time and dinner alone every night. My husband’s schedule won’t allow for any leeway during the week, he leaves before they get up and comes back when they’re sleep. It is what it is.

at weekends, it’s a mad rush for me to try to get laundry done, children’s birthday parties, kids activities, family time etc etc. my husband tends to do garden chores, fixing things and bins.

in any case, I get pretty overwhelmed at weekends because it just seems like the mess the kids make, the constant making food and clearing up, never stops. I know, it’s all normal. We all do it.

but I believe that I sometimes need a fucking break. I took the kids out at 11 am this morning to tennis and then took them to lunch and playground and park. I didn’t get back until 4:30 pm.

I told my husband I’m not making my usual elaborate Sunday dinner today and I’ll be ordering a takeaway, to which he seemed a bit annoyed.

yesterday I cooked. I don’t need to spend all fucking weekend cooking surely ? He always acts like he’s hard done by, if I’m not obsessing over what we are all going to eat. ‘ well what are we going to have for dinner ? ‘ he asks. Like how dare I not have been thinking about, all day ? Our mums are the types to just think about what they’re going to eat and have it all planned out. I don’t always.

I also don’t think it’s a big deal to get a Deliveroo tonight. I’ve done enough, I do enough. I’m also tired.

I don’t really like it when he cooks, because he fucks up the entire kitchen. So usually I just do it. He did tidy while I was out. He also tidied yesterday when I was in bed with a migraine. But still.

surely at the weekend, one meal out or one takeaway should be the norm at the very least, if not two( we can afford it ). With our schedule ! Some weekends I literally lose my mind, as it gets on top of me. So surely it’s better to try and give me a beak.

OP posts:
Duvetsse · 26/05/2025 12:52

He's a shit husband and absent father.
His go to is the garden project to further avoid family life.

How are finances split?
I would be looking at splitting up and see how that lands.

Before your health gives out.

15 years ago my friend was married to a man like your husband.
Nothing would get through to him.
She quietly packed one friday evening before he came home and had her boot ready.
Left him a note and was gone by 6am for a week away.
Her parents and friends knew she was fine.
She took her sisters empty holiday home and a week off work.

She told his parents what she was doing.

He couldn't play golf because he had two under 5 to look after.
Her in laws were good people and didn't step in.
He had to take an emergency week of holidays.

She returned and told him she wanted a divorce.
He spent a long time asking for another chance.
She gave it to him and he did step up a lot.

Unfortunately something had broken in her and she told him 5 years later they were done.
She told him she had tried but she just no longer loved him.

He's been a good father overall and I know that he has huge regrets.
She is a much happier woman since divorcing him.

PermanentTemporary · 26/05/2025 12:31

You are of course within your rights to get a chippy tea and to feel grumpy about your h's reaction. But I can see 3 things happening here that are perhaps fixable -

  1. He didn't greet a takeaway idea with applause despite the fact that you've had the kids all day and have thought of a dinner idea. Stop feeling upset if he doesn't love your ideas. I did sometimes feel disappointed if I'm honest with what my dh made for dinner when he was at home full time but my God I never for a minute thought it was appropriate to say so.If he wants a roast he can make it. And tell him you expect some pleasant interaction when you each do things for the other.
  1. But also if he asks what's for dinner at the weekend, say you don't know, what does he propose?
  1. You don't want to outsource childcare or cooking more than you already do because you've worked out it doesn't reduce your stress - fine. But you hate laundry and it's a burden. So outsource that. Talk to a cleaning agency about you having some dirty washing baskets somewhere accessible with a keysafe, and employ someone to pick up your washing and return it to an airing cupboard or similar ironed and sorted into piles for each of you (you might need to start marking your clothes more, laundry pens probably easiest).
ButItWasNotYourFaultButMine · 26/05/2025 12:21

Moaning that WE don't do it ... food culture.

He means YOU don't do it. (WHILE managing his children as he pisses off to putter.)

Tell him the kitchen is his domain at weekends to ensure his children don't miss out on what he's moaning about.

BountifulPantry · 26/05/2025 12:18

notto · 26/05/2025 10:56

I am just astounded at the pouting tbh. And it really opened my eyes to how fucked us the expectation is in the first place.

he often talks about the good old days when he was a child and the amazing food culture that existed in his home and how everything was always centred around these amazing meals and how all the mums were doing this back then and it’s part of our culture / heritage that we are not going to be passing onto our kids because we just don’t do it / place as much importance on it and how much of a shame it is bla bla bla.

i didn’t realise how much that had manipulated me into cooking this particular meal on a Sunday.

Show quote history

Use that anger OP to guard against his manipulation tactics.

learn to grey rock. If he starts going on about food culture just say “oh right” or “I see” or “mmm” then go and do something else or just relax. Don’t give it any wind, positive or negative.

I bet you start to notice him being manipulative in other ways too. Learn to notice, breathe, and not respond.

HygerTyger · 26/05/2025 11:40

notto · 26/05/2025 10:56

I am just astounded at the pouting tbh. And it really opened my eyes to how fucked us the expectation is in the first place.

he often talks about the good old days when he was a child and the amazing food culture that existed in his home and how everything was always centred around these amazing meals and how all the mums were doing this back then and it’s part of our culture / heritage that we are not going to be passing onto our kids because we just don’t do it / place as much importance on it and how much of a shame it is bla bla bla.

i didn’t realise how much that had manipulated me into cooking this particular meal on a Sunday.

Show quote history

Has he realised a lot of women didn't work or worked part time then? or hasn't he made that mental adjustment? I would remind him of the 'good old days when men were traditionally the breadwinners and women didn't work'.

LimitedBrightSpots · 26/05/2025 11:32

notto · 26/05/2025 10:56

I am just astounded at the pouting tbh. And it really opened my eyes to how fucked us the expectation is in the first place.

he often talks about the good old days when he was a child and the amazing food culture that existed in his home and how everything was always centred around these amazing meals and how all the mums were doing this back then and it’s part of our culture / heritage that we are not going to be passing onto our kids because we just don’t do it / place as much importance on it and how much of a shame it is bla bla bla.

i didn’t realise how much that had manipulated me into cooking this particular meal on a Sunday.

Show quote history

Twat. Tell him to roll up his sleeves and get cooking if he wants to "pass on his food culture".

Did you mention that in the good old days many women weren't working full-time out of the house?

RosesAndHellebores · 26/05/2025 11:24

@notto it's about you both having equality of input. When the dc were small and I was a sahm, I did everything at home - admin, schools, house, children. DH was genuinely out from 7am until 9/9.30 pm and usually worked at the weekends. Pilot/surgeon genre.

When I went back to work full-time I did the school runs from 8.15, worked from 9.15 until 5.15/5.45. Collected DC from activities, did homework, checked what was needed for the following day, bed times, etc. We had an au-pair at this stage. We always had a cleaner/gardener, etc. We rendered the same amount of effort. I cooked at weekends and we did have a roast.

It was fine because we we were giving things equal time as a team.

It paid off because our joint effort led to the best schools, our home in France and a generally brilliant lifestyle.

Although we didn't have takeaways and tended only to eat out for special occasions, it wouldn't have been an issue of I'd said not today we're buying in.

Fortunately MIL couldn't cook. Had dh ever compared me to his mother, I'd have shown him the door.

I have a feeling that your dh is not bringing to the table what his absence at work should be bringing and you are shouldering the load in more ways than one and that your dh's expectations are somewhat misplaced.

Ramblethroughthebrambles · 26/05/2025 11:16

A man who doesn't cook much complaining about food culture not being passed on 😅Speaks volumes about the assumptions he's making! Maybe you should start saying sorry I can't take kids out / do washing / clean bathroom, I need to watch my stock simmering for 3 hrs / grind the wheat for the pasta/ churn the butter. He probably won't notice you got it all from Tescos and you can put your feet up. Sorted! (your plan's probably more sensible though)

Comtesse · 26/05/2025 10:59

Oooh no I don’t like that at all @notto - cultural guilt trips when he’s opted out of parenting? I might choose to die on that particular hill - that really is taking the piss.

Original poster
notto · 26/05/2025 10:56

Comtesse · 26/05/2025 10:50

Who cares if he seemed a bit annoyed about not having a fancy Sunday dinner? You made the decision - own it and ignore any pouting!

Edited

I am just astounded at the pouting tbh. And it really opened my eyes to how fucked us the expectation is in the first place.

he often talks about the good old days when he was a child and the amazing food culture that existed in his home and how everything was always centred around these amazing meals and how all the mums were doing this back then and it’s part of our culture / heritage that we are not going to be passing onto our kids because we just don’t do it / place as much importance on it and how much of a shame it is bla bla bla.

i didn’t realise how much that had manipulated me into cooking this particular meal on a Sunday.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 26/05/2025 10:50

Who cares if he seemed a bit annoyed about not having a fancy Sunday dinner? You made the decision - own it and ignore any pouting!

Ramblethroughthebrambles · 26/05/2025 10:34

notto · 26/05/2025 10:11

He does spend time with us on weekends generally.

well, there was a time when I did try to take the kids out on say a Saturday to give him some downtime.

but recently we do tend to do things as a family or he’ll take the youngest to a party and I’ll do something with my oldest.

we are also in a situation with the kids at the moment where they get upset unless I’m doing stuff with them, they don’t generally like doing things just with him. My youngest, sometimes will. But they just feel like they’re missing out, unless I’m also there. We tend to do things together recently, like I said. But I used to do a lot of stuff alone, even at weekends.

it was always because he never gets any down time. Whereas I work from home, so it’s assumed I have a bit more downtime. He’s out of the house, so it’s assumed his work load is a lot bigger than mine.

Which it is, in some ways. He’s on his feet all day. I’m not. He has a lot of stresses, which I can’t really get into here.

anyway, yes he needs to do more when he’s physically here. There’s just no getting around it. I shouldn’t need to slave over the stove all weekend. I shouldn’t be clearing up everyone’s shit all weekend long. I had a bit of a breakdown a few weeks ago, since then he’s taken some more responsibility at weekends. We need to create a solid routine, for meals, outings etc and just be more organised. That way, everyone knows what’s happening when - who’s responsible for what and how things will work.

so for example, Saturday he gets up with kids and does breakfast and clears everything after ( kids can help ).

I’ll do a light lunch and we go out for dinner or something.

Sunday I take them to activities and he either prepares our dinner or we go out / get a takeaway. It just needs to be planned out first.

I am not the most organised person and I do just get up at weekends and want to chill for a few hours. But we need to sit down before and plan it out. I hate planning, but I think it’s the only way forward here.

Sounds a good plan. Hope it makes the load feel easier.

Original poster
notto · 26/05/2025 10:11

He does spend time with us on weekends generally.

well, there was a time when I did try to take the kids out on say a Saturday to give him some downtime.

but recently we do tend to do things as a family or he’ll take the youngest to a party and I’ll do something with my oldest.

we are also in a situation with the kids at the moment where they get upset unless I’m doing stuff with them, they don’t generally like doing things just with him. My youngest, sometimes will. But they just feel like they’re missing out, unless I’m also there. We tend to do things together recently, like I said. But I used to do a lot of stuff alone, even at weekends.

it was always because he never gets any down time. Whereas I work from home, so it’s assumed I have a bit more downtime. He’s out of the house, so it’s assumed his work load is a lot bigger than mine.

Which it is, in some ways. He’s on his feet all day. I’m not. He has a lot of stresses, which I can’t really get into here.

anyway, yes he needs to do more when he’s physically here. There’s just no getting around it. I shouldn’t need to slave over the stove all weekend. I shouldn’t be clearing up everyone’s shit all weekend long. I had a bit of a breakdown a few weeks ago, since then he’s taken some more responsibility at weekends. We need to create a solid routine, for meals, outings etc and just be more organised. That way, everyone knows what’s happening when - who’s responsible for what and how things will work.

so for example, Saturday he gets up with kids and does breakfast and clears everything after ( kids can help ).

I’ll do a light lunch and we go out for dinner or something.

Sunday I take them to activities and he either prepares our dinner or we go out / get a takeaway. It just needs to be planned out first.

I am not the most organised person and I do just get up at weekends and want to chill for a few hours. But we need to sit down before and plan it out. I hate planning, but I think it’s the only way forward here.

OP posts:
Sharptonguedwoman · 26/05/2025 09:56

I don't understand the fixation people have with a Sunday roast dinner. Personally I'd rather have Lasagne or casserole or similar. There are some good suggestions here though, family type pub, probably a Harvester or similar, Cook type dinners. Perhaps that could be the first Sunday of the month or similar.
Can one of you not fling a load of laundry in each night? Stick school uniform in the airing cupboard overnight? (DDs was always filthy).
The roast isn't the issue though. I'm sure your DP isn't shirking but surely he could take the kids on a Saturday morning or something so you have some time to just think.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 26/05/2025 09:05

HeirloomTomato · 25/05/2025 23:11

Does he do any parenting at all? That is the main issue I see with your situation. Cooking is one thing - it's not unusual for one person in a marriage to be the main cook, usually the one who likes cooking the most or is best at it - but your husband is not doing any parenting from what you say here. He's not there during the week for bedtimes / bathtime and on the weekend, you're still out with the kids on your own. When does he actually show up as a father and spend time with the children as a parent?

If he wants a Sunday roast, the sensible thing to have done would be for him to take the kids out for the morning / afternoon while you got on with preparing dinner. He can't have it both ways. Your division of labour is totally off so no wonder you're getting migraines.

He's not there during the week for bedtimes / bathtime and on the weekend, you're still out with the kids on your own.

This is a big issue. He may not realise how much he is missing out on until he turns round one day and sees that the kids are teenagers and he is a virtual stranger to them.
If he wants any kind of relationship with them, he has to put in the time.
You need to discuss this with him.

He should be the one to take them to tennis / parties / activities / park at the weekend, or all go together.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 26/05/2025 09:01

notto · 25/05/2025 20:00

I have been getting quite a few more migraines in the last few months. They’re also pretty bad ones.

it could be something to consider. The other day I did have one of those days, but it triggered a migraine. Sometimes being in bed, gives me a migraine. Or perhaps it was the pre-dome or whatever they call it. I woke up one day and I was just so tired.. I got my kids up and to school and then just called in sick as I just didn’t feel good at all. After about an hour of lying down, I got a horrendous migraine.

that was a few weeks ago. Then this week I started with headache on Friday and I’m still not 100 percent now. But was bad yesterday.

I’ve really just been trying to pull though in life recently without allowing myself to complain or be too down about it. I just want to get on with it. But maybe the margarines increasing are a sign I’m tired. I’m also sleeping very early at night and sleeping quite a bit. As in form 9 ish until 6am. Maybe 9 hours is too long.

Show quote history

Re the migraines:

I get them when I am overheated and dehydrated, e.g. if I have been working in the garden in the sun and forgot to drink.

Also, I get them from eye strain - have you had your eyes tested recently? Do you wear glasses?

If you rule out both these, then it looks like stress and exhaustion is the cause.

Cherrytree86 · 26/05/2025 08:56

Hillarious · 25/05/2025 19:55

That’s why you use the timer on the oven. It’s not onerous. Plus, I’ve every other day of the week to go out. No mass produced roast at a restaurant can compare with something made at home.

Show quote history

@Hillarious

not everyone is off every other day in the week though. Lots work full time. So Saturday and Sunday are the only days of the week they get to do what they want, precious. So id suck up a mass produced restaurant roast if it means not being tied to the kitchen for hours (even if it is on and off) unable to leave the house

mathanxiety · 25/05/2025 23:28

ButItWasNotYourFaultButMine · 25/05/2025 22:40

His little project. snort
It's his 'get out of real work at home' project.
It's his 'not looking after his own children' project.

I'd insist on swapping weekend 'chores' for a month ... he won't want to ... that will be your first sign he's known all along he's opting out of doing his share at home and with his own children. And he should be cooking at the weekends.

Show quote history

Agree. I'm snorting too.

Cooking and cleaning up after himself though.

Otherwise, the OP will end up with the little project of cleaning eight pots and every single one of her wooden spoons, and the entire kitchen will need power washing.

When he is tasked with both cooking and cleaning, you'll find yourselves eating a lot of convenient one pot meals, OP, I guarantee it. Or spag bol for Sunday dinner...

mathanxiety · 25/05/2025 23:23

I have never in my life cooked a 'Sunday Dinner'. My entire family susurvived. More to the point, so did I.

You and H need to divide up weekends - he has the kids one day and you have them the other day. Whoever doesn't have the kids cooks and cleans up. You share cleaning, laundry, and organising equally.

The kids can help too. That is for more important for them than activities outside the home.

Pmsl at a bit of gardening and taking care of bins as his contributions. He has a rude awakening in store, I hope.

See if you can do some batch cooking instead of the daily grind of deciding what's for dinner and then making it. Or make enough to leave plenty of leftovers for the next day and maybe another day too, if you cook.

HeirloomTomato · 25/05/2025 23:11

Does he do any parenting at all? That is the main issue I see with your situation. Cooking is one thing - it's not unusual for one person in a marriage to be the main cook, usually the one who likes cooking the most or is best at it - but your husband is not doing any parenting from what you say here. He's not there during the week for bedtimes / bathtime and on the weekend, you're still out with the kids on your own. When does he actually show up as a father and spend time with the children as a parent?

If he wants a Sunday roast, the sensible thing to have done would be for him to take the kids out for the morning / afternoon while you got on with preparing dinner. He can't have it both ways. Your division of labour is totally off so no wonder you're getting migraines.

scotstars · 25/05/2025 23:09

You need a serious conversation with dh. Do you spend any time together? If you are doing all the kid stuff during week he should be taking them to tennis and spending time as a family instead of avoiding family life behind chores. If he's busy all week why is he not helping with cooking at the weekend? Make your feelings clear you both work full-time you cannot also be the 24/7 default parent and running the household as he expects but without his help you will make yourself ill

Sapana · 25/05/2025 22:56

OP re migraines I had them really badly for a few years after my first and then they calmed down, didn't return with DS2, I hope they calm down for you.

Sapana · 25/05/2025 22:54

WhatNoRaisins · 25/05/2025 17:22

I can't believe you do it every Sunday, most SAHMs I know aren't doing that.

No, and why the fuck would they, if their husbands have the weekend off? Being a SAHM does not make you someone's weekend skivvy.

@Terrribletwos but surely if you're both working full time everything should be split 50/50? should be 50/50 when he's there anyway and mostly even if he's not, I'm a SAHMother not a SAHMaid.

People on here seem to think stay at home mums should be some kind of handmaiden. Fuck that.

Beachcomber74 · 25/05/2025 22:47

Migraleave Is really good for migraines.

YinYangalang · 25/05/2025 22:41

You are not his food slave. Put in some boundaries.