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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have refused to make Sunday dinner today, actually

213 replies

notto · 25/05/2025 17:17

My husband and I work full time, kids are 3 and 5.

it’s full on during the week. I take care of all the drop offs and pick ups and do bed time and dinner alone every night. My husband’s schedule won’t allow for any leeway during the week, he leaves before they get up and comes back when they’re sleep. It is what it is.

at weekends, it’s a mad rush for me to try to get laundry done, children’s birthday parties, kids activities, family time etc etc. my husband tends to do garden chores, fixing things and bins.

in any case, I get pretty overwhelmed at weekends because it just seems like the mess the kids make, the constant making food and clearing up, never stops. I know, it’s all normal. We all do it.

but I believe that I sometimes need a fucking break. I took the kids out at 11 am this morning to tennis and then took them to lunch and playground and park. I didn’t get back until 4:30 pm.

I told my husband I’m not making my usual elaborate Sunday dinner today and I’ll be ordering a takeaway, to which he seemed a bit annoyed.

yesterday I cooked. I don’t need to spend all fucking weekend cooking surely ? He always acts like he’s hard done by, if I’m not obsessing over what we are all going to eat. ‘ well what are we going to have for dinner ? ‘ he asks. Like how dare I not have been thinking about, all day ? Our mums are the types to just think about what they’re going to eat and have it all planned out. I don’t always.

I also don’t think it’s a big deal to get a Deliveroo tonight. I’ve done enough, I do enough. I’m also tired.

I don’t really like it when he cooks, because he fucks up the entire kitchen. So usually I just do it. He did tidy while I was out. He also tidied yesterday when I was in bed with a migraine. But still.

surely at the weekend, one meal out or one takeaway should be the norm at the very least, if not two( we can afford it ). With our schedule ! Some weekends I literally lose my mind, as it gets on top of me. So surely it’s better to try and give me a beak.

OP posts:
Dolphin78 · 26/05/2025 20:52

Charlie Bingham is pretty much a member of the family these days…

fetchacloth · 26/05/2025 20:45

Definitely YANBU.
Either your DH cooks Sunday lunch or he gets in a takeaway on Sundays in future.
You're doing far too much and he needs to be more hands on help, especially at weekends.

Ballsygal · 26/05/2025 20:36

Jesus Christ stop being such a pushover! Grow a spine! Theres not a lot else to say

notto · 26/05/2025 20:33

Things used to be worse. He also cannot for the life of him, get on top of his clothes and how he keeps them. Granted, he doesn’t have lots of time at home. But still.

I wash his things and then leave it in baskets, folded. Or if I do find space in his cupboard and drawers, I just kind of shove it where there is space. It’s completely disorganised, but sometimes I just get sick of seeing it everywhere.

he gets really angry that he can’t find stuff and that I apparently can’t distinguish between bed time T shirts and vests, and T shirts he’d wear to go out in. He has so much stuff, but somehow he can’t get it organised and I can’t keep it organised because it is never organised.

anyway, he used to get angry with me a lot about it, because I think he deep down thinks I should do it - but I just can’t. I barely keep my own clothes organised tbh. I just focus on keeping the kids stuff organised, that’s my priority.

anyway not sure how he will sort the clothes issue. He also always has a go at me because his clothes lose colour / aren’t washed right. I just wash stuff at 30 or 40 degrees on speed wash. Black stuff loses colour after a while, how is that my fault ? I have fucked up a reasonable number of wool jumpers to be fair, by putting them in the dryer. But I’m careful with that now. However black jeans and T shirts will eventually look washed out, no matter what you do, surely ?

I am not a domestic goddess by any stretch of the imagination, as I’m sure you can tell by now…

but I do try my best and I get very very stressed if there’s too much disorganised stuff around. My DD said to me the other day ‘ I want to be just like you mummy ‘ and I said ‘ oh really ?? What am I like ‘, she goes ‘ I want to be just like you and clean all the time ‘… 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
WhatMummyMakesSheEats · 26/05/2025 20:30

notto · 25/05/2025 17:36

honestly, it’s not anywhere as simple as that at all. Trust me. I’m a smart person, it’s super complicated and way too outing for me to explain it here. It’s not a choice by any means.

Yes so I get why you have to do everything on the weekdays, but why are the weekends not split 50/50? The washing can get done by both of you. As can the cooking, cleaning and children. You could each get a lie in. You could take them to the park one day, he could take them to soft play on the other.

bathroomadviceneeded · 26/05/2025 20:18

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I’m in a similar situation, with 3 DC under 6, both DH and I work full time, and we live abroad, so have no family or any help. I completely understand your stress with the laundry, cooking etc. You could be describing my life.

You mentioned this in a previous response, but getting some systems in place has helped me so much. Laundry is a team effort, even if my DH does work longer hours than me.

I’ve also completely downgraded my cooking to just survival mode. We eat healthy food, but it’s not fancy and very repetitive. Chicken/steak, rice, and green beans most night, pasta, or something I can just throw in the oven. We bought an air fryer and DH does most meals on the weekend with that. He’s an awful cook, but it’s difficult to mess it up. We eat frozen veg with whatever he airfrys. We’re definitely not winning any culinary awards, but everyone is fed and happy!

You’re in some of the hardest years with your DC, as am I. I completely understand not wanting to take your 3-year-old to a restaurant! We haven’t been to a restaurant as a family for years.

One thing that’s really helped me is carving out time in the evening once the DC are in bed. DH built us a home gym (very small!) in the basement and mounted a tv in there. I watch my shows, go on the bike, do Pilates, lift weights, whatever I need to decompress. It’s improved my mental health so much. I normally do it from 8-9pm, followed by a bath, magnesium supplement, then 9:30 bedtime.

I hope you’re ok, and just wanted to encourage you in the overwhelming of it all.

WyrdyGrob · 26/05/2025 20:16

I don’t have much to add because you are getting great advice. Just to say I did ROFL at the PP who said about using 8 pans, all the wooden spoons and needing to pressure wash the kitchen! That’s me. We tend to work on a ‚‘if you cook, you also clear‘ Basis.

Daftypants · 26/05/2025 20:02

ButItWasNotYourFaultButMine · 25/05/2025 17:49

at weekends, it’s a mad rush for me to try to get laundry done, children’s birthday parties, kids activities, family time etc etc. my husband tends to do garden chores, fixing things and bins.

Fuck that.
You do all the children care during the week. All of it. All the running. All the looking after. All the bedtimes. And then you get to do weekends, too, while he hides in the garden and pretending to 'fix things'? No one has that much to 'fix', especially as you're all out during the days.

Tell him he will now do the laundry, parties, activity running and sorts weekend meals etc while you push the lawn mower around the lawn.

FFS

Yup and what’s annoying is that the lawn is a once a week job and maybe only less than half the year ☹️ whereas what OP and what I do is day in day out

pollymere · 26/05/2025 19:59

My DH has always cooked Sunday roast. Then he gradually took over most of the cooking too whilst I do other chores instead.

Lovehascomeandgone · 26/05/2025 19:55

Sounds like the typical scenario where he has a full time job that he thinks is so hard and tiring, he couldn’t possibly do anything else and rests when not working while you do everything. Screw that, the division of labor is well off. Don’t give it another thought, he can deliveroo a Toby carvery if it matters to him.

sounds like my ex who kept going on about how much he would put on me when he left. Only thing I noticed is that I had to take the bins out…..lazy fucker!

OhcantthInkofaname · 26/05/2025 19:19

I'm gonna throw something in here that may not fit the subject matter but shouldn't he be spending at least 1 of those days with his children? He goes to work before they get up and comes home after they are in bed they barely know they have a father.

Wallywobbles · 26/05/2025 19:18

Cook is your friend I’d have thought.

Laura95167 · 26/05/2025 18:55

Maybe next Sunday he could take you out for Sunday dinner?

Goinggreymammy · 26/05/2025 18:51

What do you mean "he acted a bit annoyed"? Unless he complained that you weren't cooking a dinner it sounds like you are making a fuss because you are tired and overwhelmed, not because of dinner. If you usually, by your own admission, are the boss of the kitchen then asking you if there was a plan for dinner was reasonable. You just respond, I'm really tired, don't feel like cooking. What about a take away? No need for all the "cooking every f....ing weekend" rant on here. If by annoyed you mean he said you should cook just calmly point out you cook 5 evenings, had been out all day and am now taking a break. Just communicate. Your op sounds very angry over dinner.

anon666 · 26/05/2025 18:32

YANBU

Tell him the 1950's called, they want their patriarchy back. 🙄

This boils my piss, mainly because it's a battle I fought and lost with dh, who never stepped up.

He just declared none of it needed to be done, so I went on strike and we now live in a dirty, untidy house, where no-one cooks.

I sometimes dream of a different reality. When the kids were little, I actually nearly left but realised every possible alternative left me poorer and still doing it all. 😔

I stayed.

Nikki75 · 26/05/2025 18:26

Go out for a nice Sunday roast all together or something different... that's proper family time nice & relaxed no dishes or clearing away.
Stop them and make new plans now shake it up a bit.. I never cook a Sunday roast I'm not slaving over a stove all day while life is passing by .

GiveDogBone · 26/05/2025 18:20

See the MN man-haters out in force as usual. You already said you don’t like him cooking (which I sure he got the message about). So if he doesn’t cook you can hardly complain. (And you also note he cleaned this weekend, so maybe he feels
like he cleans, you cook).

xmaswiththeinlaws · 26/05/2025 18:19

I bought a Ninja Speedi, it's a revelation. I can cook a roast in it in less than an hour and crack on with other stuff/ have a drink and a nap while it cooks. It really has changed my life. During the week there is a 15 minute meal option, that for me is quicker than ordering a takeaway and using the basic airfry for a couple of minutes to warm it up and then the steam airfry function, I can roast a whole chicken, potatoes and veg in one non stick pot in under an hour. Less washing up too.

hcee19 · 26/05/2025 18:17

Totally understand where you are coming from...l hate cooking, asking all the time what they want to eat and they reply "l don't know" ...Drives me mad. My dh cannot cook at all, nearest he gets is putting 3 weetabix in a bowl, for himself, ofcourse. I agree with other posts, make Sunday a family time, when you can go out to eat, they have what the hell they want and, you have no cleaning up to do...

Miffsmum · 26/05/2025 18:06

I bet his mum wasn’t working full time and looking after children.
I just wanted to say OP that where I am you can get Sunday dinner delivered from our local family pubs (voted best in the town 😂) if you have the same it would seem a fair compromise

Izyboo · 26/05/2025 18:03

Just don't have the sunday dinner. I NEVER make one, just can't be bothered with all the fuss. You need to cut back on all these things you're doing and take time for yourself.

Calliopespa · 26/05/2025 14:09

Lilactimes · 25/05/2025 18:52

Just as a side note re the messy kitchen after cooking.
Could you have a rule where at the weekend you do one larger meal each and you clear up after your own meal only?
My friends and I do this on Airbnb breaks. Means you get a clear sit down one of the evenings and you can control the washing up and clearing. If you choose to used every dish you have to clear it up.
Will leave others to comment on the uselessness of your DP in general @notto x

Washing up is a tricky one I always think.

It sounds fair to say one cooks the other clears up, but not everyone makes the same kind of mess. Also others clear up as they go, whereas others produce a trail of dirty pots and pans. I therefore think this is a good system: each person has start to finish responsibility for their meal.

Cherrytree86 · 26/05/2025 13:34

He sounds really quite manipulative actually.

if it’s so important to him why doesn’t he devote his life to cooking amazing meals (and cleaning up the kitchen after)

RandomMess · 26/05/2025 12:59

You also need to show that you don’t get any downtime just because you WFH. He gets down time on his commute, on his lunch time too probably.

ScrambledEggs12 · 26/05/2025 12:55

We often do a roast chicken with salad and new potatoes on a Sunday, much less hassle than a full roast and everyone enjoys it. That said, we had curry yesterday!