To have refused to make Sunday dinner today, actually

notto · 2025-05-25T16:17:09+00:00

My husband and I work full time, kids are 3 and 5. it’s full on during the week. I take care of all the drop offs and pick ups and do bed time and dinner alone every night. My husband’s schedule won’t allow for any leeway during the week, he leaves before they get up and comes back when they’re sleep. It is what it is. at weekends, it’s a mad rush for me to try to get laundry done, children’s birthday parties, kids activities, family time etc etc. my husband tends to do garden chores, fixing things and bins. in any case, I get pretty overwhelmed at weekends because it just seems like the mess the kids make, the constant making food and clearing up, never stops. I know, it’s all normal. We all do it. but I believe that I sometimes need a fucking break. I took the kids out at 11 am this morning to tennis and then took them to lunch and playground and park. I didn’t get back until 4:30 pm. I told my husband I’m not making my usual elaborate Sunday dinner today and I’ll be ordering a takeaway, to which he seemed a bit annoyed. yesterday I cooked. I don’t need to spend all fucking weekend cooking surely ? He always acts like he’s hard done by, if I’m not obsessing over what we are all going to eat. ‘ well what are we going to have for dinner ? ‘ he asks. Like how dare I not have been thinking about, all day ? Our mums are the types to just think about what they’re going to eat and have it all planned out. I don’t always. I also don’t think it’s a big deal to get a Deliveroo tonight. I’ve done enough, I do enough. I’m also tired. I don’t really like it when he cooks, because he fucks up the entire kitchen. So usually I just do it. He did tidy while I was out. He also tidied yesterday when I was in bed with a migraine. But still. surely at the weekend, one meal out or one takeaway should be the norm at the very least, if not two( we can afford it ). With our schedule ! Some weekends I literally lose my mind, as it gets on top of me. So surely it’s better to try and give me a beak.

Lilactimes · 03/06/2025 21:58

Calliopespa · 26/05/2025 14:09

Washing up is a tricky one I always think.

It sounds fair to say one cooks the other clears up, but not everyone makes the same kind of mess. Also others clear up as they go, whereas others produce a trail of dirty pots and pans. I therefore think this is a good system: each person has start to finish responsibility for their meal.

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It really works well on Airbnb breaks - especially as you know which is your night when you’re responsible and then you can relax the other nights. I hate it when I’m with friends who like to cook all the time but want others to clear up. Feel like I never sit down and am constantly washing every pan in the place!

Teacaketravesty · 29/05/2025 12:02

notto · 27/05/2025 09:57

I actually get more stressed when I’m at home with them. As they just make a mess all over the place, are constantly asking me for stuff / fight with each other / scream at each other a lot.

we have a garden, but they need quite a lot of supervision there too. Whereas at the playground.. I always go to the same small one that is safe for them. I get to have chat with other mums. My kids aren’t fighting with each other, they’re not making a mess at home. They’re not constantly asking me for something.

I also find it tough because yes, when I’m at home with them , sometimes I do want to sit down and just chill. But they always need something, are making a mess somewhere, are fighting. Whereas at the playground, I don’t expect to be sitting or chilling at all and it just feels different.

I don’t know, honestly ! I can tell my 5 year old is becoming a lot easier to manage. She’s started going downstairs on her own in the mornings now and gets her own breakfast ! It’s a revelation ! But my 3 year old is very very tough to manage at the moment.

when we got home yesterday, he was crying continuously on a loop about every little thing. He was tired, but all we did was go and see his aunt and uncle who live around the corner. I don’t know if he still needs a nap some days. But he was utterly distraught. He spends a lot of his time in that sort of state. Just very tearful, when he’s tired.

anyway that’s besides the point. Hopefully things will hey a bit easier soon.

My last was in response to this.

Also on team Stop Doing So Much, btw.

Teacaketravesty · 29/05/2025 12:01

Your 3yo’s in ft childcare and out a lot at weekends, some children don’t have the social stamina for this/have phases where they don’t. He may benefit from a nap or more downtime.

Duvetsse · 29/05/2025 11:22

latetothefisting · 28/05/2025 23:19

"he does take care of all the bills and administrative things like mortgages/ car insurance. So there is a bit of balance in that, thankfully."

It takes me maybe half an hour, once every 3-5 years to "do" the mortgage.
15 minutes once a year to stick the car insurance through money supermarket or whatever.
No balance whatsoever compared to daily cooking and cleaning.

An hour a year for me to do this.
That some men would actually even use this as a discussion point is a joke.
Oh I do utilities too.
Again, not worth mentioning.

What a sefish loser he is.
Poor OP.

latetothefisting · 28/05/2025 23:19

"he does take care of all the bills and administrative things like mortgages/ car insurance. So there is a bit of balance in that, thankfully."

It takes me maybe half an hour, once every 3-5 years to "do" the mortgage.
15 minutes once a year to stick the car insurance through money supermarket or whatever.
No balance whatsoever compared to daily cooking and cleaning.

Beautifulweeds · 27/05/2025 23:05

Time to change the routine so a takeaway or going out for a meal and it will becomes the norm after a couple of times.

We have a different routine, DH wfh and wll cook weekday meals as I'm out at work, I will also offer to cook but he just does it as apparently I'm too messy vit always clean up.

Weekends are just take it as comes, freezer food and or takeaway, close family so all do this together.

Please start to make some boundaries, cooking every night solo must be exhausting.

Of course all dependent on the jobs you do, so a nurse compared to wfh etc. Xxx

Hillarious · 27/05/2025 14:32

I think you need Stacey Solomon to pay a call to help with clothes.

Noodles1234 · 27/05/2025 13:08

I hear you.

youre both doing too much, probably more you than him but it’s relentless to keep scores.
May I introduce you to some ready meals and / or batch cooking. Hire a cleaner and a gardener (many people do this just don’t admit to it).

Life is too much for many people, both working FT and then trying to do everything at weekends, your kids ages life is tough as weekends are all parties or people want to come over (yes Amazon but a lot to think about and achieve).

I really do wonder sometimes how everyone is doing it, working like dogs to just stand still.

well done, I think you need to hear that more often.

SkaterGrrrrl · 27/05/2025 10:47

He sounds awful. My DH and I both work and we split the cooking and food shopping and childcare.

I think the kids prefer to spend weekend time with you because they barely know him. You need to start leaving them with him more.

Ignore MIL, she doesn't get a vote.

You could try writing down every single thing that needs doing every single day and then take different coloured highlighters and highlight what do you do and what he does. It's a good visual to show the discrepancy.

Or show him this thread!

Original poster

notto · 27/05/2025 09:57

I actually get more stressed when I’m at home with them. As they just make a mess all over the place, are constantly asking me for stuff / fight with each other / scream at each other a lot.

we have a garden, but they need quite a lot of supervision there too. Whereas at the playground.. I always go to the same small one that is safe for them. I get to have chat with other mums. My kids aren’t fighting with each other, they’re not making a mess at home. They’re not constantly asking me for something.

I also find it tough because yes, when I’m at home with them , sometimes I do want to sit down and just chill. But they always need something, are making a mess somewhere, are fighting. Whereas at the playground, I don’t expect to be sitting or chilling at all and it just feels different.

I don’t know, honestly ! I can tell my 5 year old is becoming a lot easier to manage. She’s started going downstairs on her own in the mornings now and gets her own breakfast ! It’s a revelation ! But my 3 year old is very very tough to manage at the moment.

when we got home yesterday, he was crying continuously on a loop about every little thing. He was tired, but all we did was go and see his aunt and uncle who live around the corner. I don’t know if he still needs a nap some days. But he was utterly distraught. He spends a lot of his time in that sort of state. Just very tearful, when he’s tired.

anyway that’s besides the point. Hopefully things will hey a bit easier soon.

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/05/2025 09:35

That was me - yes I get kids having fun. You just seem stressed /tired so going home after tennis would have made more sense

but sounds like you had a catch up and natter with mum friends as well

Original poster

notto · 27/05/2025 08:52

Nikki75 · 27/05/2025 08:28

Wow he does the bins give him a gold star.. he can sort out his own clothes seen as you do yours and the children's.
It's not up to you to be sorting his shirts etc into certain piles .
Major changes need to be made here or you will become more and more resentful.

I know and he even makes a big deal out of the bins.

he does take care of all the bills and administrative things like mortgages/ car insurance. So there is a bit of balance in that, thankfully.

my mum is always very supportive and thinks I do way too much. She did it all, but didn’t work when I was little.

she was saying to MIL that she was concerned about me and that I have a lot on my plane and MIL just said that we all did it and I just need to be more organised. That pissed me off quite a bit. I’m also pissed off with my DH, who I must say, has improved in his expectations of me and even though he pouted on Sunday, I very quickly reminded him of just how much I have on my plate and that he has no reason to pout about one single thing I do or do not do.

to the poster talking about the tennis thing and why did we go out after. I took them for lunch and then they had a play date at the playground. Usually husband would have come, but seeing as it was only the mums coming, he didn’t this time. Why did we go out all day ? Because my kids were having fun.

OP posts:

Nikki75 · 27/05/2025 08:28

Wow he does the bins give him a gold star.. he can sort out his own clothes seen as you do yours and the children's.
It's not up to you to be sorting his shirts etc into certain piles .
Major changes need to be made here or you will become more and more resentful.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/05/2025 08:10

If he wants a roast he can cook one and wash up

or go to tobys /pub for lunch esp if can afford it

tennis I assume is hr so why at the park for 4hrs then home. Home after tennis. Kids can play in garden /dh take them to the park as he hasnt seen them all week

I never understood why people get stressed over washing. Put a load on at night. Hang it out next day if nice or over clothes horse inside if raining

or set machine to come on while at work finishes when you are home and Hang out once home over dryer /horse if raining

healthybychristmas · 27/05/2025 08:02

How much time does anyone spend on the bins? It probably adds up to about five or 10 minutes over the full week doesn't it?

cinnamongirl123 · 27/05/2025 08:00

The 1950s called and wants your misogynistic neanderthal husband back.

Honestly wtaf OP - he expects you to work full-time, do all the cooking, cleaning, drop-offs and pick-ups, fancy meals, laundry, childcare etc? And compares you negatively to his mum and other mums, who I’m guessing didn’t have full-time jobs outside the home? And has the nerve to criticise how you do laundry, put away clothes, dont make a fucking Sunday roast etc?

Your body is telling you this is wrong - youre sleeping more than normal, you had a breakdown and youre getting migraines. That he sees all this, yet still pushes you, is disgraceful. He does not seem like a nice man to me, at all. I’d be seriously reconsidering this relationship, unless he has a major attitude change, acknowledges how unfair he is being, and starts contributing a great deal more at home. Good luck OP.

Docwillseeyounow · 27/05/2025 07:39

notto · 25/05/2025 17:36

honestly, it’s not anywhere as simple as that at all. Trust me. I’m a smart person, it’s super complicated and way too outing for me to explain it here. It’s not a choice by any means.

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Absolutely agree op. My DH was self employed for many years and we had three young children. Being self employed is harder and definitely get less time of. Some people seem to think because you self employed your hours are more flexible, so not true.

sashh · 27/05/2025 06:36

notto · 25/05/2025 17:30

Yeah we do that sometimes, but sometimes it’s also stressful as my 3 year old can be very hard work in restaurants !

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Where I live a couple of places, including the local carvery will deliver (or you can pick up) a Sunday dinner.

If you do all meals in the week and sort the children there is no reason he can't take on the cooking at weekends. And the clearing up.

Donimo · 27/05/2025 06:36

notto · 26/05/2025 20:33

Things used to be worse. He also cannot for the life of him, get on top of his clothes and how he keeps them. Granted, he doesn’t have lots of time at home. But still.

I wash his things and then leave it in baskets, folded. Or if I do find space in his cupboard and drawers, I just kind of shove it where there is space. It’s completely disorganised, but sometimes I just get sick of seeing it everywhere.

he gets really angry that he can’t find stuff and that I apparently can’t distinguish between bed time T shirts and vests, and T shirts he’d wear to go out in. He has so much stuff, but somehow he can’t get it organised and I can’t keep it organised because it is never organised.

anyway, he used to get angry with me a lot about it, because I think he deep down thinks I should do it - but I just can’t. I barely keep my own clothes organised tbh. I just focus on keeping the kids stuff organised, that’s my priority.

anyway not sure how he will sort the clothes issue. He also always has a go at me because his clothes lose colour / aren’t washed right. I just wash stuff at 30 or 40 degrees on speed wash. Black stuff loses colour after a while, how is that my fault ? I have fucked up a reasonable number of wool jumpers to be fair, by putting them in the dryer. But I’m careful with that now. However black jeans and T shirts will eventually look washed out, no matter what you do, surely ?

I am not a domestic goddess by any stretch of the imagination, as I’m sure you can tell by now…

but I do try my best and I get very very stressed if there’s too much disorganised stuff around. My DD said to me the other day ‘ I want to be just like you mummy ‘ and I said ‘ oh really ?? What am I like ‘, she goes ‘ I want to be just like you and clean all the time ‘… 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Let him do his own laundry. My husband is also out the house 12+ hours often in the week. So weekdays I do all of mine and childrens laundry. Then weekend husband has sole use of of washing machine to wash his clothes. So he does all his laundry- washed, dried and put away by Sunday afternoon

Nsky62 · 26/05/2025 22:23

HygerTyger · 26/05/2025 11:40

Has he realised a lot of women didn't work or worked part time then? or hasn't he made that mental adjustment? I would remind him of the 'good old days when men were traditionally the breadwinners and women didn't work'.

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Exactly

BIWI · 26/05/2025 22:23

FFS @nottowhy are you doing his washing?!

Duvetsse · 26/05/2025 22:21

It now reads as abusive.
I think you should seriously consider talking to a domestic abuse charity.

He souds like a nasty abusive lazy controlling piece of shit.

Please talk to family and friends.

Comtesse · 26/05/2025 22:11

Bloody hell OP. He can do his own washing then if your efforts are defective (what a tosser). If he earned proper money then you could stay home and organise his sock drawer for him. He’s obviously a lightweight financially so he’ll just have to manage his own shit - too bad!

DoItLikeAWoman · 26/05/2025 22:09

One does home, one does kids/outdoor stuff. You can’t be doing both. Your DH should be taking them to tennis/park etc. if you are cooking. Else he’s cooking AND cleaning.

you are doing too much! When do you rest?

OhHellolittleone · 26/05/2025 21:20

GingerKombucha · 25/05/2025 20:39

We both have full on jobs and my husband is fairly lazy. I cook once per day at a weekend. Breakfast is Deliveroo Gail's croissants or out, Saturday lunch usually a restaurant, I cook a quick stir fry type dinner, Sunday lunch I cook something lovely and dinner is Deliveroo. I love cooking but with a 1 year old and a 3 year old, it's all I can manage. My issue is probably 25% the cooking and 75% the mess the kitchen is. Just be lazy, if he questions it say you're having a day off, he can sort all cooking and cleaning.

Deliveroo Gail’s croissants. Lol