To ask you about the times you left behind friends who couldn't get their s*** together?

So true. I have long since stopped trying to help people. It's hard enough helping my own DC!

I had a friend who had mental health issues for which she wasn't willing/ready to accept professional help. She would call or message me at all hours of the day and night saying she was suicidal then turn her phone off for hours, at some point I'd get a breezy, casual message saying something along the lines of "sorry I didnt reply I was asleep/in the pub/working don't worry I'm feeling much better now". She would get very annoyed if I wasn't available to talk or meet up and when we did meet up she never asked me about myself, my family or anything really, just talked 'at' me about her work problems, relationship problems or whichever family member she had recently fallen out with. Eventually I realised it didn't feel like a friendship, it felt like I was being used as free therapy. I let the friendship drift because I knew that trying to talk to her about it would be met with a big emotional reaction but no attempt to change.

As you get older you realize that some people are just recreating their old patterns of trauma. When they start doing well they shoot themselves in the foot and return to their familiar levels of stress and misery. I had a friend who I kept trying to help through difficult times until I realized she always ended up in exactly the same circumstances wherever she went. I realized it didn’t make any difference if I helped her or not. It also made me realize why Buddhist monks go and live on top of mountains.

the one that never wanted to drive, but always criticised my driving - or was too impatient to let me program the satnav & then gave crap directions.
I stopped at the side of the road, asked her to get out, haven't seen her since.

It was close-ish to a bus stop.

I had a problem where I was a bit of a fixer in relationships. I’d endlessly empathise offer advice that would never be taken, have my own boundaries, limits and needs ignored and superceeded.

A few former friends of mine engaged in the opposing behaviour which was what made us compatible to begin with and once I noticed my own patterns, I stopped doing my side and we were no longer compatible as friends. These patterns have to happen on both sides to be happening and I found it helps to focus on your own side of the fence and what you need to address in yourself and see if the friendship can withstand the changes. Often if it is bad enough, they won’t.

Yes, I find this happens in your late thirties/forties. I had a friend, we'd been "going out" friends in London and once there was less going out and more chatting over drinks, I came to realise how 90% of our conversations were taken up with her constant (self-provoked) dramas, how everything had to be viewed through the prism of her, how I was some kind of support friend with no agency or interest myself.

I got rid. Just saw her less and less, never instigated meet ups, then left London 😆

Not a friend but I have a family member like this and it’s very draining and frustrating. They definitely suffer from MN issues and alcoholism but any suggestion of help (counselling, GP etc) falls on deaf ears as though it is more shameful and troublesome to actually seek professional help than it is to carry on like this. I think they are the sort of person who has always had someone there to do things for them and now they are on their own it’s just easier for them to become a victim than it is to navigate life solo. For example they’d never think to plan a day out or a holiday because it’s always been done for them so as a consequence they don’t go anywhere, get depressed because they have nothing to look forward to and the cycle continues.

Because it’s a close family member I can’t cut them off but I’ve had to put boundaries in place for my own sanity. Only the person involved can decide if they actually want to change so it’s pointless getting stressed about it. If I had a friend like it and no obligation to continue with the relationship then I’d probably take a step back too. Life is hard enough without having to unsuccessfully solve other people’s issues too.

I have a dear friend who has become a very bad traveller as she's anxious about everything. I no longer travel with her because as I have told her, we are travel incompatible. But I still meet her for meals and go to her house.
Can you do this?

From experience....
You will get people in life that see themselves as one of life's victims yet can't seem to see that they are the maker of their own problems. Their life's a car crash and it's always someone else fault, never their own.

These type are the one's that the more you do for them the more they expect and want from you, you could give your all and it still wouldn't be enough for them.
A Cuckoo in the nest.

May be many years of helping them or a few weeks but those are the ones you let go on their way as they'll soon find someone else to harp on to....
While probably slating you off in the mean time.

You just have to whittle out those from the ones that are dealt a bad hand and just need a step up while not let anyone expect more from you than you willing can do.

Many people go through a phase in their life where they feel helpless. It might even happen to you OP. Giving advice or even help very rarely changes things.
If you don’t mind giving endless support then carry on. If you don’t like it, then distance yourself and stop. The point is, there’s nothing you can do to change how they feel or act. You have to decide what you can put up with and then put that into action.
If you carry on complaining or criticising them (even behind their back) then you are positioning yourself as a victim too.