To ask you about the times you left behind friends who couldn't get their s*** together?

Yeah I had a friend who would basically get bored if there wasn’t some drama going on. She would create the drama herself just to have something to do.

Some of her classic things were leaving jobs at the drop of a hat. Changing relationships constantly, including marrying someone then promptly leaving him after they had spent £25k. Moving countries several times, not to mention moves within the UK. Career changes multiple times. Pissing people off my not showing up. Untreated health issues that then became major issues eg not going to the dentist with a small toothache that then develops into a massive abscess etc.

This sort of behaviour you can get away with for a bit when you’re young. After a while it gets really boring. Nothing was ever quite right. She always wanted to change something major about her life.

I had a close friend once - who was always having some sort of issue.

Now they were real issues. This is the thing. Abusive partner. Health issues requiring surgery (multiple) work issues etc etc. So so many

I supported her through them all without question.

Many years later - I became unwell and while she did have some important things going on in her life by then - children - it was very very apparent that no support was forthcoming for me.

Unfortunately I was ill for some time, with surgery and a permanent diagnosis. I expected that at some point after her child was born she would at least text to ask how I was. Even if months later.

Nope. Nothing. She had her perfect setup now and didn’t want to be bothered with her friend of a decade anymore.

Ive eventually just blocked her. I’ve never spoken to her again.

Cadburyegg omgoodness 18 months! I couldn't cope with a week!

I do think there is a kind of ruthlessness that afflicts people, particularly when they have their own shit to deal with (work, family, finances) which can make them reluctant to do the smallest thing for you, for fear of you asking for more.
i think people are worried about how to set boundaries and so they end up just opting out of kindness and neighbourliness completely, whilst on paper being all for these qualities, but only to the deserving.

I once had a very supportive friend and I relied on her too much...the last straw was I expected her to help me organise my small child's birthday party on the day, having done it three years running. She announced she was going to just drop her child off this year and leave me to it, and the penny dropped! I managed and it taught me a lesson.
Good friends don't have to do EVERYTHING! Tbh I think she was a natural "rescuer".
In turn I have found myself becoming a rescuer and feeling very responsible for the happiness of others in some situation over ten years period, disproportionate to their understanding of what this was costing me emotionally. I had to "let someone down", they wanted to stay for a week, were tone deaf about my reasons for saying no. They were shocked /furious and didn't speak for a year and a half. But when we got back in touch (their choice) I like to feel they had learnt their own coping techniques and this had been a turning point.
Rescuing people constantly is not supportive.

Yes , I have left a long standing friendship that I was very close to .

I miss her sometimes, but in myself I feel so much better not being involved in her constant drama (a lot of times made worse then it needed to be)

sometimes I feel guilty that I’m not there supporting, but she quickly found another muppet to do childcare/ pet sitting and a million other things

I have wondered if I’m a bad friend from bowing out of what might have been a bit of a break down, but her behaviour was destructive and occasionally illegal and didn’t align with my values shall we say ?

I hope her life has settled down in the last few years, but I imagine that she will continually cycle .

sometimes I think you need to put your own mental health and family first

Ah yes, I had a similar role for a while. My conclusion was that trying to help these people as adults was pretty futile- there should have been a lot more intervention in their early years. Not all of them, but most.

I have a friend who is a perpetual victim. In general I'm not always sure where I fall between the conclusion that someone who says everyone is an asshole is probably the asshole or the understanding that abusers know who is best to victimise. I hear about most of it second hand anyway so who knows.

I've decided that I'm not going to offer advice, just listening and sympathy as that feels less frustrating. I'm not always a fan of the fixer approach myself, sometimes people do just need to express negative emotions without expecting you to solve it. Some people's advice is crap and they get really offended when you don't take it.

One was a university friend whose life consisted of a lot of hash-smoking and temp jobs at a time when I was getting myself together. It was the way she’d drawl on about waiting for a really great job to come along, joint in hand. I started to see that she wasn’t ever going to work towards anything, as she hadn’t really worked towards her degree, and I found it so boring that I just didn’t contact her when I moved so we lost touch.

Another was someone who is always ready with a sad story about being alone, but I can see that she’s alone because she talks and thinks about herself all the time.

Oh man, there's been a few. I'm a big rock music fan and have been since I was a teenager. But in my 20s I fell into a crowd who bought into the "sex, drugs, rock and roll" lifestyle - I'm not sure how as I've never even been a drinker, let alone anything else 🤣 But I clicked with a lot of them and we were like family. Most grew out of it but not all.

There's a guy I've been friends with since I was 13 (he was 16) and jesus the shite he'd get into. His family were a fecking disaster and people would joke I'd basically adopted him. I walked him to a therapy session, helped him with job seekers paperwork, lent him money, the lot. And he wasn't an arsehole or anything, he'd been at my hospital bed, always made sure I got home etc, he was just absolutely all over the place.

Things took a turn after I got married (after he and my brother were ushers at the wedding!) He got very weird, would come over to the house and be a prick, lost 2 jobs because he was mouthing off to his bosses and fell in with this awful girl and they'd just get drunk and high and kick off over nothing. His mum even called me begging me to "sort it out" but he was past listening and I was done.

He actually got in touch a couple of years ago (after a mutual friend told me he'd sorted himself out) and we talk again now and see eachother at mutual friends get togethers etc. It feels quite nice being sorted of friends again, but he'll never "get his shite together" I don't think. He lives with a friend, has a part time cleaning job and doesn't indulge anywhere like he used to. For now... But I do worry how he'll get on further down the line, I don't think he could live on his own and look after himself.

It's sad really, some people just don't seem to be built for the world.

I know another girl who was going the same way, but she has a supportive family who managed to eventually get her help. She lives with her mum and her sister, husband and 3 kids live just down the road - she helps look after all the kids, does the housework and batch cooks for a homeless charity. She doesn't go out much as it's too much for her, but she has a sense of purpose and man those kids adore her. I see her regularly and it's always nice catching up with her!

I had a friend like this. She always had some drama going on. Couldn’t hold down a job - despite being well educated and intelligent, she had never been able to hold down a permanent job even though she was mid 30s when I met her. Largely because of the job situation she never really had many stable places to live, and she would always somehow fall out with the people she was living with. Sooner or later, every person she met turned against her. She didn’t get on with any of her family, to the point she spent several Christmases alone despite having a big family living locally. Her sister in particular once told her “with you it’s always someone else’s fault”…

I couldn’t understand it, but figured most of the above was due to some fairly significant health issues she’d had going on - and I’m sure those did play a part. When I met her she helped me through my separation and divorce, she was my rock basically.

Then she had another accommodation drama and so I invited her to stay with me for awhile. Huge mistake. We had a minor falling out - which I wasn’t blameless in - but after that she treated me like shit despite the fact she was still living with me rent free. She insulted me saying I had “no interests or hobbies” (I’m a single parent with not a lot of free time!), and that i was incapable of holding down an “intellectual conversation” 😂 She accused me of “sitting outside her room trying to get her attention” when I had woken up in the middle of the night with a migraine and went to sit on the stairs (the top of the stairs just happened to be next to her room), insulted my appearance (weight/hair), had a go at me for not “supervising my children” because I allowed my then 8 year old to go downstairs and help himself to a bowl of cereal while I was getting dressed… I have more examples but that period when I was gently coaxing her to move out was one of the worst of my life!! Thank goodness she did eventually go after 18 months of taking advantage 🥱 but of course that was fraught with more drama, she didn’t leave when she said she would, blaming other people.

It was like her sister said, it’s always someone else’s fault. She had no ability to self reflect.

I realise now, looking back, that if she thinks you are worth her time she will treat you as if you are her most special friend, trust you with all of her sob stories, and that’s how she reels you in. As soon as she realises you are a human being with faults who also makes mistakes, or that she can’t get anything more from you, she turns nasty.

I haven’t heard from her since the day she moved out. No doubt she’s found someone else to leech off! I often wonder if she’s managed to find work - if not, it’ll be 5 years now since she had any kind of job. Of course, she’s blameless in the situation.

I had a friend who was so involved in her own web of misery it was painful. She was incapable of being proactive and taking action about anything. She refused proper MH support which she clearly needed and was determined to just keep dumping her crap onto me. She’d turn up at mine and just talk at me for hours. She wouldn’t leave when asked. I eventually started to arrange to meet her only at cafes so I could leave on my terms and she took the hump.

She started out in my life as such a positive and caring person and but eventually she sucked the friendship dry like a vampire. Turns out others had the same experience!

Had one of these too, unfortunately it's a family member but I just found so much peace without them in my life . Poor mental health and alcohol are not good bedfellows . Even rehab didn't improve their attitude they came out expecting everyone to rush to them rather than them reaching out . Same old abusive messages ,threatening suicide and back drinking .

I think there's a difference between people who struggle a bit but are constantly trying and those who are almost invested in misery. I have a couple of friends who are genuinely unlucky but are constantly trying to pick themselves up. I never get fed up with them. But the ones who abdicate all responsibility for their own lives are just tiresome.

I've been friends with two different women who were perpetual victims. It was exhausting and annoying. Everything is someone else's fault and their feelings are continuously hurt! They are usually very selfish people, as they think of no one else but themselves! I can't be bothered with people like that on a long term basis, especially when nothing's happened to make them behave that way. Usually it's learned behaviour, negative reactions for attentions sake.

I got so severely burned by one of these in my 30s I vowed to never do anything for anyone else ever again. I have of course but I have an eye in the back of my head now.

She was a co-worker and I became friends with her and helped her find a place to live. I then helped her furnish it and....well it just went on and on.

I overheard her talking about me in a bar one evening and I realised she had taken me for a mug from the outset.

She is one of those people that never learned to be an adult. She is genuinely helpless but I decided to stop making that my problem. She lost her house and moved into a caravan in a friends yard and lost that too. I have no idea what happened to her and after what I heard her say about me, I don't give a shit.

Yes sadly. I do miss her but being begged at for money constantly takes a toll

Yes I dumped my group of former school friends aged 26 cos they were excruciatingly immature for their age

I've found that some people like to talk about their woe with no intention of ever wanting to change things. I leave them to it.
Professionally I work with those leaving prison. Here many of them have become very happy to pass the responsibility of life onto others. Such as, expecting housing to always be provided to them no matter how many times they fail to pay rent/ damage the property/ not follow the reasonable rules of the agreement that they signed, complain about contents of their foodbank parcel, sign up to but don't attend the courses that provide a guaranteed interview, think that calling 1 recruitment agency once should be enough to get a job. They will all swear blind that they want to change.
Can you tell I'm burnt out?!

And to add,she has no interest in my life at all

She just spoke at me all the bloody time-dp calls it 'me,myself and I syndrome'

My ds got married and had his first baby (my fisrt grandchild) and she doesn't have a clue as she's not interested enough to find out

I'm not here to be her sounding board

Great post, makes so much sense. I can smell these people now and dodge them!

I've had to step back from one friend

I met her 10 years ago when she was dating the biggest wanker known to man

He left her for another woman and she banged on about him for years,she refused to let go,even though she was the one to end it (he'd been knocking the ow off when she said 'enough is enough,we are over' and ow came out of the woodwork)

Every single message I got from her was 'him/her/his family' (for ten years-many times a day-i don't care!)

It got boring and draining having to say 'block him/her and get on with your life'

She'd swear she had,but either hadn't or had unblocked them again

She then met another bloke who is the same (only wants her for a fuck once a week) and I've said to walk away so many times but she says she will,then shags him again

Then I get the tears and 'I've told him it's over'

Til the following week,when she shows up for his shag,she does it and then off he goes again

She had some things to do for work,I offered to help as she's not very technical and she said yes

Long story short,she lost her job over this but it was everyone else's fault-all she had to do is message me and arrange to meet for a coffee-i would have sorted it (and I did ask but she was always 'busy'i know lots of people offered to help)

She lost her step father due to covid but it was all her mothers fault for her not going to the funeral as her mum refused to pick her up to take her (she lives about a 5/10 minute walk away from where it was held)

She's forever falling out with people but it's never her fault-it's a classic case of she pokes the bear but acts amazed when it bites back

It's got back to me that she's been slagging me off behind my back while being nice to my face

It's draining and I'm done