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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not mention miscarriage to pregnant friend?

58 replies

ScentOverTheEdge · 25/05/2025 12:54

Hi all. Sorry if this is the wrong forum but need advice. My sister is pregnant, due in July following a miscarriage a few months ago. I’m thinking it would be triggering to mention my friend has just had one too, or am I overthinking? If she asks how my friend is shall I just deflect and not tell her? YABU = Be honest about friend’s MC. YANBU = Deflect and don’t mention MC to her. Thanks in advance x
edited to add - title should say sister!

OP posts:
Howaboutnah · 25/05/2025 13:23

I'm not sure this counts as "society" talking more openly about miscarriage to be honest. If my friend had discussed my miscarriage with her sister, I wouldn't have seen it as eradicating secrecy, I would've seen it as being used as a source of gossip.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 25/05/2025 13:23

ScentOverTheEdge · 25/05/2025 13:20

Because she knows my friend and has done for years, we’re all fairly close. I am asking for advice about whether it might foster a sense of solidarity as mc can be (completely wrongly) stigmatised and swept under the rug. If society can talk about it more openly and eradicate that sense of secrecy might that be better? As I said, just asking for advice in good faith!

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Have you had a recent miscarriage too?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 25/05/2025 13:22

ScentOverTheEdge · 25/05/2025 13:20

no, I won’t bring it up - I’m asking about if sister asks how friend is. Otherwise, of course I wouldn’t bring it up

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Just say she’s fine, or she’s been a bit under the weather, or that you don’t no. It’s not your business to tell

BellissimoGecko · 25/05/2025 13:21

Oh, well if your sister didn’t know she was pg, then no, don’t mention her mc.

Original poster
ScentOverTheEdge · 25/05/2025 13:20

Howaboutnah · 25/05/2025 13:18

Why would you need to deflect? If she doesn't know your friend was pregnant, it won't come up unless you bring it up. Unless I'm missing something, I would just not bring it up.

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no, I won’t bring it up - I’m asking about if sister asks how friend is. Otherwise, of course I wouldn’t bring it up

OP posts:
Original poster
ScentOverTheEdge · 25/05/2025 13:20

WayneEyre · 25/05/2025 13:16

If someone didn't khow about the pregnancy at all then why would you mention it? Not a rhetorical question, a straight question?

Because she knows my friend and has done for years, we’re all fairly close. I am asking for advice about whether it might foster a sense of solidarity as mc can be (completely wrongly) stigmatised and swept under the rug. If society can talk about it more openly and eradicate that sense of secrecy might that be better? As I said, just asking for advice in good faith!

OP posts:
Howaboutnah · 25/05/2025 13:18

ScentOverTheEdge · 25/05/2025 13:12

Fair enough, thank you. I suppose I’m pausing because we tell each other everything and are close. I think I’ll deflect and change the convo.

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Why would you need to deflect? If she doesn't know your friend was pregnant, it won't come up unless you bring it up. Unless I'm missing something, I would just not bring it up.

WayneEyre · 25/05/2025 13:16

If someone didn't khow about the pregnancy at all then why would you mention it? Not a rhetorical question, a straight question?

Sahara123 · 25/05/2025 13:14

Oh hang on, she didn’t know your friend was pregnant , and she’s unlikely to see her ? In that case , no, don’t mention it

ToKittyornottoKitty · 25/05/2025 13:14

Why would you tell her? She didn’t even know the woman was pregnant so she doesn’t need you telling her (or anyone else who didn’t no she was pregnant) about the miscarriage, pregnant or not

TinyTempest · 25/05/2025 13:13

ScentOverTheEdge · 25/05/2025 13:12

Fair enough, thank you. I suppose I’m pausing because we tell each other everything and are close. I think I’ll deflect and change the convo.

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Well you've no right to tell each other everything.

There are some things you should never tell without express permission.

Original poster
ScentOverTheEdge · 25/05/2025 13:12

TinyTempest · 25/05/2025 13:11

What??

That's a plot twist 😳

Of course you shouldn't mention the miscarriage then, why would anyone?

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Fair enough, thank you. I suppose I’m pausing because we tell each other everything and are close. I think I’ll deflect and change the convo.

OP posts:
TinyTempest · 25/05/2025 13:11

ScentOverTheEdge · 25/05/2025 13:07

She didn’t know she was pregnant

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What??

That's a plot twist 😳

Of course you shouldn't mention the miscarriage then, why would anyone?

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 25/05/2025 13:10

If your sister didn’t know she was pregnant I don’t know why you would tell her about the miscarriage.

Original poster
ScentOverTheEdge · 25/05/2025 13:10

HollyGolightly4 · 25/05/2025 13:03

Honestly, I think it's good miscarriages are being spoken about more, and I think if your sister asks to genuinely enquire about how your friend is, I'd tell her. I'm sure your sister would be supportive x

ETA- I wonder if the 'over sharing' of medical info people are from a slightly older generational mindset. To me, conversation amongst women tends to be supportive and all encompassing!

Edited

I know what you mean. I suppose it’s such a personal thing but friends who have had them before have mentioned to me how they hated the “secrecy” that can accompany. And I tend to think talking about things is usually the best way

OP posts:
Original poster
ScentOverTheEdge · 25/05/2025 13:08

Sahara123 · 25/05/2025 13:07

Actually I disagree, I’ve had 3 miscarriages and each time needed someone else to tell people as I didn’t want to keep having to explain. I appreciate everyone is different

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That’s what I was thinking

OP posts:
Original poster
ScentOverTheEdge · 25/05/2025 13:07

BellissimoGecko · 25/05/2025 13:06

This. Your sister knows she is pregnant, so she will wonder what has happened to the baby/when it’s due, and she will ask.

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Sister didn’t know friend was pregnant, no

OP posts:
Original poster
ScentOverTheEdge · 25/05/2025 13:07

Sahara123 · 25/05/2025 13:02

I guess it depends if your sister knew your friend was pregnant, if she did she’s going to wonder where the baby is eventually? Is she likely to meet up with your friend? If so I’d still be inclined to bring it up if your sister asks, but don’t if she doesn’t.

She didn’t know she was pregnant

OP posts:
Sahara123 · 25/05/2025 13:07

ThejoyofNC · 25/05/2025 12:57

Regardless of the circumstances, I don't think you should be discussing anyone else's miscarriage.

Actually I disagree, I’ve had 3 miscarriages and each time needed someone else to tell people as I didn’t want to keep having to explain. I appreciate everyone is different

BellissimoGecko · 25/05/2025 13:06

Sahara123 · 25/05/2025 13:02

I guess it depends if your sister knew your friend was pregnant, if she did she’s going to wonder where the baby is eventually? Is she likely to meet up with your friend? If so I’d still be inclined to bring it up if your sister asks, but don’t if she doesn’t.

This. Your sister knows she is pregnant, so she will wonder what has happened to the baby/when it’s due, and she will ask.

BellissimoGecko · 25/05/2025 13:05

ThejoyofNC · 25/05/2025 12:57

Regardless of the circumstances, I don't think you should be discussing anyone else's miscarriage.

Well, I kind of see this, but if the sister knows the friend is pregnant, she will wonder when the baby is due etc. op can’t deflect for ever.

TrolleySong · 25/05/2025 13:03

ScentOverTheEdge · 25/05/2025 12:58

No, not likely to interact but v likely to ask me how she is

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Then tell her the truth.

Sahara123 · 25/05/2025 13:03
  • mention it if your sister asks
HollyGolightly4 · 25/05/2025 13:03

Honestly, I think it's good miscarriages are being spoken about more, and I think if your sister asks to genuinely enquire about how your friend is, I'd tell her. I'm sure your sister would be supportive x

ETA- I wonder if the 'over sharing' of medical info people are from a slightly older generational mindset. To me, conversation amongst women tends to be supportive and all encompassing!

Sahara123 · 25/05/2025 13:02

I guess it depends if your sister knew your friend was pregnant, if she did she’s going to wonder where the baby is eventually? Is she likely to meet up with your friend? If so I’d still be inclined to bring it up if your sister asks, but don’t if she doesn’t.

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