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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report driving instructor to police

137 replies

AdeptTiger · 24/05/2025 23:25

Driving instructor has been filming my autistic DS in the car. He's been turning the car seat heaters on, unknowingly, and DS has been coming home distressed, covered in sweat. He's put it down to nerves all along, but did think it a bit odd. We have only now discovered this as a friend, who is also a friend of the driving instructor, told us they were shown a video, and the driving instructor seems to have been taking the piss out of DS, turning the heaters on, and taking pleasure in DS becoming distressed and complaining how warm it is. He had filmed DS's distress on more than one occasion.

I confronted the driving instructor who has denied it.

I think it's absolutely abhorrent the way DS has been treated. DS is very shy and quiet, he gets extreme anxiety from social interactions. We made him take driving lessons to better his life but now feel terrible, this has been going on for 6 months and we didn't have a clue. When he comes home he is literally covered in sweat patches. We've already moved him to another driving instructor, to whom we explained what happened, but the new driving instructor seems to think it's not that big a deal and minimises the impact it had on DS...

This 60-year-old man bullying an 18-year-old neurodivergent boy is really making my blood boil and I don't know what to do. Am I overreacting? Is it just a 'joke' and a 'laugh'? Even a driving examiner friend of mine didn't seem to understand fully, or just refused to understand, brushed it under the rug and said, sort of dismissively, 'Just for a joke'. I don't think he understood DS was being filmed unknowingly, and I'm pretty sure he just thought the whole thing was made up.

Anyway, AIBU?

OP posts:
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5
CissOff · 25/05/2025 00:31

I haven’t RTFT but I find stuff like this extremely upsetting and sinister. I would report him to any and all bodies and make it my life’s mission to take this twat down.

I’n so sorry OP. What a cunt of a man 🥺

MumWifeOther · 25/05/2025 00:30

This is so upsetting, I’m so sorry your son has been put through this and also you all as a family. I would have to stop my husband from getting my hands on said instructor god forbid they did this to our son. Definitely more sensible to go to the police, but whether they would do anything I don’t know.

ProcrastinatorsAnonymous · 25/05/2025 00:29

I'm so upset and angry for you and your son. You are not over-reacting - this is cruel, ignorant and abhorrent. Stupid man. How is your DS processing it now?

CrazyCatMam · 25/05/2025 00:28

What an absolute scum bag.

Appalling behaviour. I’m so sorry that your son experienced this. Thank goodness your friend spoke up. As the parent of a neurodivergent teen this makes me so sad. 😞

Original poster
AdeptTiger · 25/05/2025 00:22

Reetpetitenot · 25/05/2025 00:18

This. Not sure how the instructor was filming your DS on his mobile, surely it would have been obvious. Report him to his professional body. This could be seen as a safeguarding issue.

I don't think he was directing the camera towards my DS at all times, apart from quickly directing it towards him here and there. From what I understand, he'd casually have it in his lap sort of, the few times DS saw him on his phone, he assumed he was texting someone.

OP posts:
Reetpetitenot · 25/05/2025 00:18

This. Not sure how the instructor was filming your DS on his mobile, surely it would have been obvious. Report him to his professional body. This could be seen as a safeguarding issue.

Original poster
AdeptTiger · 25/05/2025 00:18

Thank you all, thought I was going crazy from the other DI's and DE's reactions. Was beginning to wonder if I was overreacting to extreme proportions, but now know that not to be the case.

My concern is, this DI is well known in the community and not for good reasons (I have only recently found out or I would never have solicited his services). His family were in the newspaper not too long ago for some, quite frankly, shocking debauchery, amongst other things, which I know he is closely involved with. I don't really want to get on the wrong side of him. Strangely, he has no shortage of clients and has even taken on his brother into the business, that's how well he's doing. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't make my life easy if I tried to do something. But equally, his behaviour is nasty and disgusting. I honestly don't understand how he ever passed as a DI.

OP posts:
GCITC · 25/05/2025 00:04

It is illegal for anyone supervising a learner driver to be on their phone.

NeverOneBiscuit · 25/05/2025 00:02

Op: my son is very similar, and we’re treading very carefully to try & find the right instructor. I’m so upset & angry on behalf of you & your son.

Definitely report the instructor as widely as possible: the police, any professional bodies, Head Office. Driving instructors also rely on word-of-mouth, so tell as many people as you can what this disgusting creep is up to.

I’d be doing everything within the law to make his life a bloody misery.

Sjbythesea · 24/05/2025 23:59

Sorry…I pressed wrong button…you are not being unreasonable…I have to tell you this because I would hate you to think that someone thinks that is reasonable behaviour 😡

BrillantBriony · 24/05/2025 23:58

AdeptTiger · 24/05/2025 23:25

Driving instructor has been filming my autistic DS in the car. He's been turning the car seat heaters on, unknowingly, and DS has been coming home distressed, covered in sweat. He's put it down to nerves all along, but did think it a bit odd. We have only now discovered this as a friend, who is also a friend of the driving instructor, told us they were shown a video, and the driving instructor seems to have been taking the piss out of DS, turning the heaters on, and taking pleasure in DS becoming distressed and complaining how warm it is. He had filmed DS's distress on more than one occasion.

I confronted the driving instructor who has denied it.

I think it's absolutely abhorrent the way DS has been treated. DS is very shy and quiet, he gets extreme anxiety from social interactions. We made him take driving lessons to better his life but now feel terrible, this has been going on for 6 months and we didn't have a clue. When he comes home he is literally covered in sweat patches. We've already moved him to another driving instructor, to whom we explained what happened, but the new driving instructor seems to think it's not that big a deal and minimises the impact it had on DS...

This 60-year-old man bullying an 18-year-old neurodivergent boy is really making my blood boil and I don't know what to do. Am I overreacting? Is it just a 'joke' and a 'laugh'? Even a driving examiner friend of mine didn't seem to understand fully, or just refused to understand, brushed it under the rug and said, sort of dismissively, 'Just for a joke'. I don't think he understood DS was being filmed unknowingly, and I'm pretty sure he just thought the whole thing was made up.

Anyway, AIBU?

I’m so sorry to hear your son has been bullied in this way. I think you should definitely speak with the police. I hope your son will be OK.

Fantailsflitting · 24/05/2025 23:58

Don't rely on @Crickacrack for legal advice!

Original poster
AdeptTiger · 24/05/2025 23:56

Chickenhorse · 24/05/2025 23:51

Honestly if you can’t report him, get a few of your friends to book lessons with him for their DC. Arrange for him to meet them at houses on Rightmove that are empty and for extra laughs, film him knocking on the doors looking for students that don’t exist. And just waste his time like he has been doing to your poor DS. Do it every other week with different friends or family then get them to block his number. Give the nasty git a taste of his own medicine.

LOL. This has made me chuckle. Unfortunately, he takes deposits so this wouldn't work, as much as I would love to. The weird thing is my DS has learnt more in 2 weeks' worth of lessons with the new DI than he did in 6 months with the old one, and even weirder is his great pass rate. My DS came home the other day, he has been confused about crossing lines on the road, and the new DI explained to him, simply, if you have to cross a line in the road (e.g., junction), it's not your priority. A lot of confusion subsided already. Shocking really. No wonder he was anxious if he wasn't even being taught how to drive! And we've paid this nasty man to just take the piss.

OP posts:
ZeldaFighter · 24/05/2025 23:53

I would report this to absolutely everyone. I'm not a lawyer or police but I'm pretty sure there is criminal behaviour:

Police
Council - safeguarding/adult social care
Driving instructor chain
Driving instructor governing body
Government (as per pp's link)

I'd even be trying to get his DBS revoked.

This is appalling behaviour. He needs to be drummed out of being a Driving instructor.

Chickenhorse · 24/05/2025 23:51

Honestly if you can’t report him, get a few of your friends to book lessons with him for their DC. Arrange for him to meet them at houses on Rightmove that are empty and for extra laughs, film him knocking on the doors looking for students that don’t exist. And just waste his time like he has been doing to your poor DS. Do it every other week with different friends or family then get them to block his number. Give the nasty git a taste of his own medicine.

Original poster
AdeptTiger · 24/05/2025 23:51

Calmdownpeople · 24/05/2025 23:44

So not okay behaviour and I get why you are upset but unfortunately turning on seat heaters isn’t exactly illegal. This isn’t a police matter so I think you need to take a step back but absolutely report him to his company.

He's self employed.

OP posts:
glittercunt · 24/05/2025 23:49

It's not just the videoing of him in distress, hes delibwrateky putting the seat warmer on and pribably gaslighting your son.

he is bullying and abusing a disabled 18 year old using his service.

And then filming it and sharing the footage.

So yes, needs the police and a report to the driving school and whichever governing body.

Original poster
AdeptTiger · 24/05/2025 23:47

Pbjsand · 24/05/2025 23:44

I’m struggling to understand the reaction of the other driving instructor you told. That’s like poking an animal with a stick and then filming their distress to laugh about with others.

I can only assume because they all know each other they don't want to bother one another. Especially because this driving instructor in particular is pretty well known in the area for not exactly all the right reasons (which I've found out more recently). And like I said, I'm pretty sure they think I'm exaggerating and/or lying about the whole thing.

OP posts:
JJxxxxx · 24/05/2025 23:46

That is awful! ☹️
what a horrible person!
you should definitely report him!
is he independent or through a conpany? If a company you should definitely put in a complaint to then also,

I hope your son is ok!

Crickacrack · 24/05/2025 23:45

AdeptTiger · 24/05/2025 23:42

I would do this but he would just deny it and it's our word against his. I've no proof, and he'd probably sue for defamation. I've no confidence in the friend backing what's right either.

Show quote history

I wonder if you could word reviews carefully to say “a friend of his reported that he seen a video recording of” and so on. Stick to the truth of what you’ve heard.

If police did look into it would probably be able to find this video even if he deleted it so he may avoid taking legal action as he wouldn’t want to bring himself under the spotlight further.

TomeTome · 24/05/2025 23:45

I’d go and talk to the police. It is abuse of a vulnerable person and they may be able to charge him with something. You need a new driving instructor, anyone who doesn’t find this abhorrent is a dick.

EBearhug · 24/05/2025 23:45

Not a crime to film, but isn't it breaking GDPR to share without your son's permission? And it's not sharing with good reason, such as showing evidence of a crash.

If he was an instructor through BSM or similar, I'd be giving them feedback. If not, he still has to be approved. See section 2.2 here https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/whats-involved-in-being-a-driving-instructor/approved-driving-instructor-adi-register-guide

Approved driving instructor (ADI) register guide

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/whats-involved-in-being-a-driving-instructor/approved-driving-instructor-adi-register-guide

SpunkySquid · 24/05/2025 23:44

Your poor son. That is really awful. Some people can be so cruel. Definitely name and shame on all your local Facebook groups.

LoveTheLake525 · 24/05/2025 23:44

MummytoE · 24/05/2025 23:28

This is really sad, your poor son . I would definitely report to someone. Maybe the police or maybe the driving instructor governing body ? I would also move on from the current instructor who is minimising the experience

This except report it to BOTH!!

Absolutely disgusting behaviour. There's nothing 'for a laugh' about this At All.

Hope the bastard loses his license (or whatever it's called) to be a DI.

the new be needs ditching too, find one that's a decent human being.

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