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Original poster

Is it possible to be firm about saying "no" and remain friends?

37 replies

eldermillenialmum · 24/05/2025 18:58

My DD goes to the local primary school with two other girls who live on our street. They are friends and the parents are all friendly. We all help one another other with pick ups and host play dates but while the others may need picking up once or twice a year they ask almost once a week and it seems to be due to the way they organise things rather than something coming up unexpectedly so the other couple and us resent doing it. When we do pick up for them they don't pick up for an hour and then they hang around chatting when we need to start bedtime.The more we go the more we ask and their DC is always asking to come over. I think I'll need to be more firm in saying no but I wouldn't want to upset the apple cart as we really like the parents and confide them friends and our DCs are best friends. I also feel bad saying no if we can pick up for them but I just don't feel like having their child. I'm sure they'd do the same for us but the fact is they don't need to as we don't plan things that we know we can't do on our own.

AIBU to say no more?

OP posts:
Itdidnttakelong · 25/05/2025 08:17

eldermillenialmum · 25/05/2025 07:27

You've said that twice but it doesn't follow that "a chat"
won't offend them.

Show quote history

Huh?

good friends, surely just a chat about how ongoing logistics is just something very civil and calm and friendly.

clearly you do not think so with these close friends if you’re worried about offending them about simply saying that you’re not going to be able to jump in quite so regularly anymore but absolutely love having their child after school when emergencies crop up.

Original poster
eldermillenialmum · 25/05/2025 07:27

Itdidnttakelong · 24/05/2025 21:30

Well don’t

they are good friends
no drama
Just a chat

Show quote history

You've said that twice but it doesn't follow that "a chat"
won't offend them.

OP posts:
Itdidnttakelong · 24/05/2025 21:30

eldermillenialmum · 24/05/2025 21:17

I don't want to offend them

Well don’t

they are good friends
no drama
Just a chat

Original poster
eldermillenialmum · 24/05/2025 21:17

I don't want to offend them

OP posts:
Original poster
eldermillenialmum · 24/05/2025 21:17

Itdidnttakelong · 24/05/2025 19:46

This
no drama
you really like them and good friends

Show quote history

It is only difficult as they don't ask can we do it every week they just ask if we can do it that day so we say yes thinking it's a one off and then it becomes every week so next time they ask I just say no as it's becoming a weekly thing?

OP posts:
Itdidnttakelong · 24/05/2025 19:46

Flipslop · 24/05/2025 19:08

Before saying no I think you need to just chat with them and say it’s becoming a bit much of a commitment for you and it’s making bedtimes etc difficult. I think this might be better than just saying no without an explanation as currently the parents don’t see an issue with the current arrangement

This
no drama
you really like them and good friends

Original poster
eldermillenialmum · 24/05/2025 19:20

I think you're right that if they're real friends it won't bother them and I think they're reasonable so would get it if we just said no but I find it hard to say no especially to someone I like!

OP posts:
Original poster
eldermillenialmum · 24/05/2025 19:19

CarpetKnees · 24/05/2025 19:16

I've asked another parent if they would be willing to {say} drop dc1 back from cubs regularly, so that it enabled me to take dc 2 to swimming or choir where the other parent was picking up their child anyway and it only meant them stopping at the end of our drive and kicking dc1 out, as they passed but I feel that is very different from asking a parent to look after them for a couple of hours. I would also combine it with offering to take their dc to cubs / football / drama / swimming or wherever they go that my child goes.

I wouldn't expect childcare from another parent except on an occasional basis (for example if I had a hospital appt or similar).

I think you need to say to the parents that you can't commit to having their child over that regularly, although you would be willing to help in an emergency.

No, it won't affect a proper friendship. If they take offence then it would suggest they are using you rather than friends with you.

It wouldn't bother me if it was just picking up when I pick up my DD and then dropping off but it usually means bringing their DD back home and it does impact on bedtimes and is the only hour or so we have together as a family on a working day.

OP posts:
CarpetKnees · 24/05/2025 19:16

I've asked another parent if they would be willing to {say} drop dc1 back from cubs regularly, so that it enabled me to take dc 2 to swimming or choir where the other parent was picking up their child anyway and it only meant them stopping at the end of our drive and kicking dc1 out, as they passed but I feel that is very different from asking a parent to look after them for a couple of hours. I would also combine it with offering to take their dc to cubs / football / drama / swimming or wherever they go that my child goes.

I wouldn't expect childcare from another parent except on an occasional basis (for example if I had a hospital appt or similar).

I think you need to say to the parents that you can't commit to having their child over that regularly, although you would be willing to help in an emergency.

No, it won't affect a proper friendship. If they take offence then it would suggest they are using you rather than friends with you.

Flipslop · 24/05/2025 19:08

Before saying no I think you need to just chat with them and say it’s becoming a bit much of a commitment for you and it’s making bedtimes etc difficult. I think this might be better than just saying no without an explanation as currently the parents don’t see an issue with the current arrangement

Original poster
eldermillenialmum · 24/05/2025 19:05

Itdidnttakelong · 24/05/2025 19:00

Once a week… they mess up plans meaning they have to ask you to jump in?

I think they make plans expecting us or the other couple to help. They have three DC with different things on after school and if one of the parents isn't about or is busy at work they ask us for help but it's becoming a regular thing on certain days. I don't mind helping if something crops up but I don't want to be regular childcare.

OP posts:
Itdidnttakelong · 24/05/2025 19:00

Once a week… they mess up plans meaning they have to ask you to jump in?

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