Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it possible to be firm about saying "no" and remain friends?

37 replies

eldermillenialmum · 24/05/2025 18:58

My DD goes to the local primary school with two other girls who live on our street. They are friends and the parents are all friendly. We all help one another other with pick ups and host play dates but while the others may need picking up once or twice a year they ask almost once a week and it seems to be due to the way they organise things rather than something coming up unexpectedly so the other couple and us resent doing it. When we do pick up for them they don't pick up for an hour and then they hang around chatting when we need to start bedtime.The more we go the more we ask and their DC is always asking to come over. I think I'll need to be more firm in saying no but I wouldn't want to upset the apple cart as we really like the parents and confide them friends and our DCs are best friends. I also feel bad saying no if we can pick up for them but I just don't feel like having their child. I'm sure they'd do the same for us but the fact is they don't need to as we don't plan things that we know we can't do on our own.

AIBU to say no more?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Blondeshavemorefun · 04/06/2025 19:32

If it’s the same day each week you need to make plans for that day if it gives you extra strength to say no as xyz

well done for saying no tomorrow

Nearly50omg · 04/06/2025 19:21

Id point them towards the local childminders as thats what they actually need! you are being used for free childminding and
need to make it clear that isnt what you signed up for and you arent happy to continue.

Original poster
eldermillenialmum · 04/06/2025 19:10

I think you're all right and the saying no when they ask is probably my style as opposed to having a big conversation about it. She asked this morning if we can pick up tomorrow and I said no. We are actually busy and I think it was definitely worse when we said yes for weeks in a row.

OP posts:
CookingFatCat · 04/06/2025 13:41

Sure, if they respect your boundaries. If not just friendly will do.

pasturesgreen · 04/06/2025 08:25

You're here worrying they might or might not take offence, while they don't think twice about imposing on your time and goodwill with frequent requests. They know they're taking the piss, yet they count on putting you on the spot so you'll feel unable to say no.

Consider this.

DrummingMousWife · 04/06/2025 07:42

No sorry, can’t do today…
end of. On repeat.

you don’t need to justify why you can’t support their lifestyle. You just need to politely decline. They will get the message .

2sometimes3 · 04/06/2025 07:36

It wouldn’t reflect well on a “friend” if they took offence at a friend explaining very reasonably that its tricky to be so involved with their childcare arrangements BUT they still love having their child over for the odd play date and very happy to help out when an emergency.

It wouldn’t occur to me to take offence if I was them, but rather be mortified that I’d failed to realise I was being a bit thoughtless.

Original poster
eldermillenialmum · 27/05/2025 10:38

Pickley981 · 27/05/2025 08:26

What happened op?

did they take offence?!

I haven't said anything yet as I haven't seen her and it's school holidays this week.

OP posts:
NowYouSee · 27/05/2025 08:43

I think it is best to do this outside of a specific ask. Tell them that you want to flag in advance that you’re finding everything a bit much generally, you’re looking at how to simply things and you’ve realised the regularity of the help has become a bit much and you need to dial it back. Ok for very occasional or emergency help but you think you may have inadvertently given the impression every week was fine with you.

once they’ve agreed with that you could bring up the point of picking up when agreed as it is making bedtimes difficult.

Pickley981 · 27/05/2025 08:26

What happened op?

did they take offence?!

Original poster
eldermillenialmum · 25/05/2025 21:22

ButterCrackers · 25/05/2025 10:21

I’ve learnt the hard way in similar circumstances. I had to start saying no and it was difficult but it worked. They moved on to asking and using another parent. Keep your boundary and you’ll get respect for that.

Show quote history

You are right.

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 25/05/2025 10:21

eldermillenialmum · 25/05/2025 09:53

Thanks @PurpleThistle7 @ButterCrackers @Sunshineandgrapefruit I think you're right. I need to get DH on board too as I think he has a harder time saying no than I do and then it becomes more awkward if he is the one asked as we end up doing it but with bad feeling as he makes it clear it's an imposition whereas I would just do as you say @Sunshineandgrapefruit

I’ve learnt the hard way in similar circumstances. I had to start saying no and it was difficult but it worked. They moved on to asking and using another parent. Keep your boundary and you’ll get respect for that.

Original poster
eldermillenialmum · 25/05/2025 09:53

Thanks @PurpleThistle7 @ButterCrackers @Sunshineandgrapefruit I think you're right. I need to get DH on board too as I think he has a harder time saying no than I do and then it becomes more awkward if he is the one asked as we end up doing it but with bad feeling as he makes it clear it's an imposition whereas I would just do as you say @Sunshineandgrapefruit

OP posts:
Original poster
eldermillenialmum · 25/05/2025 09:50

CurlewKate · 25/05/2025 09:08

Start a WhatsApp group. Suggest you make a rota of who does pick ups. Say that you think you all need some structure.

I don't want a rota with them! We can pick up our own DCs. I don't mind helping them when they need it but don't want to be relied on as regular childcare.

OP posts:
Original poster
eldermillenialmum · 25/05/2025 09:49

Itdidnttakelong · 25/05/2025 09:07

we really like the parents and confide them friends and our DCs are best friends.

I read that as close friends

but ok just friend that you really like

so I would t see a chat as offending them!

Show quote history

our DCs are good friends and we consider them friends but I wouldn't say close friends

I've never been out with them without doing something with the kids and I wouldn't text either of them about anything else if that makes sense but we like them

OP posts:
Sunshineandgrapefruit · 25/05/2025 09:17

Next time they ask say 'yes no problem but I will have to drop x straight at yours'. 'oh you won't be there? Sorry I won't be able to have X back, you will have to ask someone else '. Repeat.

ButterCrackers · 25/05/2025 09:12

Next time they ask start your reply with the word no. Saying no first gets it out of the way and the stress is over for you. Say No I can’t collect after school, can’t take to school, can’t do after school care etc what ever they ask it’s a no. No excuses and no sorry. Just repeat this and then say you have to end the conversation and go. They will quickly start to ask others.

PurpleThistle7 · 25/05/2025 09:11

I think next time you just say ‘no problem giving her a lift home but I’ll need to drop and run as we are really struggling with bedtimes lately’ and then just repeat that. I don’t think it needs to be a big thing.

and yes - I rely on a friend of my son’s to get him to a club every single week. But just picking up with their son at after school club and dropping home after - and they live 2 minutes away. There’s been a few times I’ve asked them to take him back to theirs so my husband can pick up half an hour later. Once a month or so I babysit for them so they can go out in an evening as I’m very conscious we almost never help them.

CurlewKate · 25/05/2025 09:08

Start a WhatsApp group. Suggest you make a rota of who does pick ups. Say that you think you all need some structure.

Itdidnttakelong · 25/05/2025 09:07

eldermillenialmum · 25/05/2025 09:03

I don't think I ever said we're close friends. We're all friendly and I consider them friends as we occasionally all do things together as our children are friends. We haven't known one another more than a year when they started reception last year. I think you've misread the situation slightly.

Show quote history

we really like the parents and confide them friends and our DCs are best friends.

I read that as close friends

but ok just friend that you really like

so I would t see a chat as offending them!

Original poster
eldermillenialmum · 25/05/2025 09:06

@Itdidnttakelong @ThrowawayAccount29 Yes I agree. She seems a bit more aware whereas he turns up half an hour late to pick them up and doesn't really acknowledge it. I like her though. You're right though and ultimately I won't be taken advantage of. I think they may be the kind of people you do need to be a bit more firm with as the more you do the more they ask.

@flippertygibbet4 I think that's the best way as it stops us becoming regularly childcare without making a big deal about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
eldermillenialmum · 25/05/2025 09:03

Itdidnttakelong · 25/05/2025 08:17

Huh?

good friends, surely just a chat about how ongoing logistics is just something very civil and calm and friendly.

clearly you do not think so with these close friends if you’re worried about offending them about simply saying that you’re not going to be able to jump in quite so regularly anymore but absolutely love having their child after school when emergencies crop up.

Edited
Show quote history

I don't think I ever said we're close friends. We're all friendly and I consider them friends as we occasionally all do things together as our children are friends. We haven't known one another more than a year when they started reception last year. I think you've misread the situation slightly.

OP posts:
ThrowawayAccount29 · 25/05/2025 08:39

eldermillenialmum · 24/05/2025 21:17

I don't want to offend them

It seems like they’re not bothered about offending you though 🤷‍♀️ Pull up your big girl
pants and say no to their requests as it will only get worse as the years progress.

flippertygibbet4 · 25/05/2025 08:34

If you don't want to have an awkward chat then I would just start to say no more often so that they stop assuming you'll always say yes. You can have reasons, such as sorry we can't today, we've got grandparents over, or whatever, or you can just say, sorry we can't today, and leave it at that. I've done this recently myself. I have nice friends who arrange things for themselves then assume we or another family will be their childcare. Occasionally I say yes, if it's convenient for us, but I've just started more and more to say sorry we can't tonight. They've definitely stopped asking so often and we're still friends.

Itdidnttakelong · 25/05/2025 08:19

“It doesn’t follow that a chat won’t offend them”

if they are CFs then absolutely
but who wants to be close friends with CFs?

Swipe left for the next trending thread