To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

OP you sound like you don't like your daughter very much.

Sounds like you favour your son. Is he being punished for knocking over the juice? Your poor DD was angry and upset. Even as an adult her behaviour wouldn't be completely unreasonable.

Your attitude is that she's been going on about it and insisting you help with an outfit. I adored helping mine with things like this and making them costumes from scratch which then became making cosplay. Why would you not want to do things with your DD?

Why did your DS have juice next to something you'd clearly spent time on? I've worked with kids who would greatly enjoy damaging something important and then crying over it...

This !!!!

We all wing it. If we knew what we were in for when contemplating parenthood, the human race would have come to an abrupt end!
Mine are 48 & 50 & have fought like kilkenny cats on & off the whole damn time. They were even shouting at each other when they came to fix my fence the other day. I made them a sandwich & told them to shut up. This is only to say that all these things pass in the end. Hope things calm down for you (until the next time 😉)

Agree that it's worth considering whether younger (not little) DS might be playing you, OP. That's not to say he doesn't have developmental or behavioural issues. Just that your default reaction shouldn't always be 'Poor thing, he doesn't know what he's doing.'

If that is how it generally goes in your family, it's no wonder DD exploded over this thing that was so important to her, that DS accidentally(?) ruined. And not for the first time by the sound of things.

I'm glad that now the dust has settled a bit you've realised that not allowing her to do her dance comp would've been... kind of beyond comprehension really!

But I don't think forcing her to apologise is a great idea either. It would not only tattoo this injustice on her heart, but consign her permanently to the role of 'bad guy'. Which will cause a world of pain for her and the rest of you.

I'm sure you want to show that her efforts and achievements matter, and that as parents you're proud of her. Normally I hate to be all 'I hear what you're saying...' to someone who's just blown a gasket, but I think it's vital in this case. You can google advice, but basically I think it's good to acknowledge that her rage is completely understandable, and also that you're going to help her manage it - because it's frightening not to have at least some control over your emotions, and also it's a massive part of growing up.

Although she'll make every attempt to disguise it, DD desperately needs your approval and guidance.

Normal sister and brother stuff. Imagine you had a really important day and someone ruined your outfit by knocking juice all over it. Doesn’t sound like a first time offence, so why he was even drinking juice in the vicinity I don’t know. She had a strong reaction because it means a lot to her. I think you went way over the top. As well as her apologising to her brother for saying something mean, you owe her an apology for your reaction and also for letting him have juice around the costume, that was careless of YOU.

Maybe don't forget that the both of you shouod apologise to her too.

You will lose your daughter if there is any more of this. Classic mother favouring her golden boy.

Can you not empathise with how anxious and wound up your daughter is about this big, to her, performance.

Your “little one” needs a good telling of and you need to sort your ideas out.

Think of a punishment that fits the crime. Something like no WiFi for a day and she has to take her brother to the park to apologise for what she said. The drink shouldn’t have been near the outfit, so I can understand the frustration

I mean, the OP has only posted twice and only mentioned him once. We haven't heard much from her about anything, really.

Why do you need to punish her?

He ruined her top. You don't seem to be punishing him (not that I would recommend that).

Do you generally treat them differently?

Anyway, punishment isn't the only way to parent. You could talk about what happened and how it made her feel and set up a reparation once she is calm.

Atm you are escalating. And being unfair. And leaving her to manage everything on her own, which she isn't emotionally able to do.

That seems very sensible.

So DS can spoil her stuff and that’s ok? Kids can be devious… maybe he ruined her top on purpose because OPs attention was diverted away from him. Even if he didn’t, they BOTH need a talking to about demonstrating respect. No punishment needed (and certainly not one-sided blame, unless you want to foster hatred and resentment 🤦‍♀️)

Well said.

@AliceMcK and the punishment for the son?..
What a shame that it just happened to be when the dds specialist top was out that things got spilled...🙄

He’s 8, not 3! Accident or not, he still needs to learn to respect other people’s things. I would have been more annoyed about his carelessness than I would about DD’s perfectly understandable reaction.

Oh God. She will never forgive you. At her age, that's going to be something she remembers and resents forever. Back down. For the sake of your relationship, apologise for over reacting and let her compete

You are in the wrong, she acted with anger about something that is being spoiled by her brother who is clearly being coddled.

She should apologise for calling him a freak, but other than that she did nothing wrong.

We have a rule in our house, we don’t care what’s going on in everyone’s life’s, what’s caused a fight/argument, you never ever speak to your family like that. No one in this house has the right to put down or call anyone else in our home names I don’t care what has resulted in this happening.

Maybe this is the type of discussion you need.

Also say you won’t take the dance comp away but afterwards she needs to come up with an appropriate punishment for herself to speak to her brother the way she did as well as an appropriate apology.

Did you punish your son too? Why is it okay for him to spill juice all over her top but not okay for her to retaliate?
shes 11. This competition is probably her world, but hey, she’s been banging on about it and that’s soooo annoying.
ffs.

Sounds like you said something in anger when you were overwhelmed and dysregulated if you stop and take a deep breath you’ll realise that was pretty much what she did.
Excellent opportunity to model apologising and explaining how things can blow up when everyone is on edge and emotionally invested in something. Ultimately it’s about how we react when we feel like we’re losing control. Your daughter lost it in the heat of the moment because she felt like something she really cares about was getting ruined. She used equalising behaviour to make her brother feel small and her feel like she was back in control. You felt protective of your son and worried your daughter was being unkind and ungrateful so you used equalising behaviour on her by taking away something she really wanted, that in turn made you feel back in control. Except now you both feel shit and nobody’s really had a chance to repair what’s gone on or learnt anything useful about emotional regulation or conflict resolution.
My instinct would be to go and say sorry, explain how you felt and why you reacted like you did. Empathise with her and it will de-escalate the whole situation.

Or already in tears because he's manipulative and knows how to work mummy dearest...in order to play victim and get his sister into trouble.

The only thing she'll learn if you cancel the competition for her is to resent her brother even more. Talk to her calmly and tell her everyone was a bit too hyped up and you'll do your best to wash the top. Take a deep breath! Good luck.

Maybe, but this strikes me as such an avoidable accident. The top shouldn't have been where something can get spilt on it OR the younger child shouldn't have had a drink near it.

I don't think I was blaming the boy. Rather I wanted the OP to look at her own part in what happened.

He’s 8, not 3. There are only three years between them but it sounds like your expectations of your (probably hormonal) daughter are much higher than those you have of your son.
Even the tone in which you refer to him - ‘Little one,’ ‘Bless him’ - is far more gentle. You may not have meant it to come over this way, but it really sounds like he’s the favourite. I know 11 year old girls can be dramatic sometimes, but to be fair, I’d have gone mad if he’d spilt juice on my new outfit that I needed the next day too.