To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

OP decided to punish in another way and DH should stand by her.because both must show a united front when it comes to discipline.

Bollocks. If my partner gives an unnecessarily harsh punishment to one of my kids, I'm not going to support him just because he's my partner. Adults, like the OP, make mistakes. They should not be encouraged just because they are adults. If they make mistakes they need to own them, not be supported just because they are parents. Why should the child suffer additional poor treatment because of an adult's poor choices?

no she didn't make her decision....in her own words
"I know I probably went too far, it’s just been one of those days where everything builds up and I lost my patience."

It's worse than that, even. Reminds me of St Augustine in the 4th century. Sinful babies crying for attention!

the 1800's called. They want to know when you are coming back

Children’s brains are not fully developed until early 20s. Whilst they may understand right and wrong, they will also be battling (in DDs case) raging hormones, a family dynamic tipped in favour of DS due to his difficult behaviour’ and all the issues that come with the teenage years. The kind of parenting you’re talking about is from an era before we had an understanding of the complexities of the developing human brain. It has no relevance here.

I most certainly do not. I have never physically assaulted my children. Just think about it, why would anyone do that?

Why would you demean my advice? It may be wrong by your standards, but that is no reason to rubbish it, Children need rules. They need to know how far they can go. It gives them the assurance that someone cares for them.

How would you have dealt with the situation?

Today's children are tomorrow's leaders. Setting boundaries and having punishments allow them better judgement in the future.

You have an 11 year old daughter who may be premenstrual if she hasn't already started periods. Have you considered this? Every female gets frustrated especially around that time of the month and its very possible a factor that may be playing a part. You can't punish her for being frustrated you can however tell her that its not OK to make it personal and she needs to apologise.

What about your kindness?- you clearly treating her far more harshly than her brother? Has her brother apologised about the top? Is his pocket money replacing it-yes it's an accident, but it should still have consequences, the top still needs replacing.

People have different views on what is 'harsh' and 'disproportionate' when it comes to punishment.

How would you have dealt with it?

The OP did what she felt was the right thing to do in the circumstances.

She may regret her decision, but that is not the point. At that time it seemed to her the right decision to make.

Children know the difference between right and wrong when they are very young. They lose their innocence in a very short time after birth, something not always realised.

When a baby is only lifted out of it's cot when it cries, it will go through childhood - and even life - thinking that whenever it cries it will get attention. There are plenty of threads which show that happens too often.

This sounds like you wish corporal punishment was an option. I hope the OP doesn't take this terrible advice.

I grew up in a family which didn't use punishments. I think I'm fine! It's simply not required. Do we punish ourselves when we do something wrong? Unlikely.

If he's not easy they what emotional labour is she constantly undergoing, as a child? You have empathy for one child but how does she feel, what burden and for how long? This requires a talk, not a punishment or you will be setting a precedent that will haunt your relationship with your daughter for years.

A punishment which is too harsh and disproportionate does not help or encourage better behaviour

A punishment which seems to further highlight that one child is the favourite over another will only increase more tension and issue

To those asking about punishment for the son and suggesting I’m ok with his behaviour. Im not, he would be involved in the discussions in our house ( I have a 7yo too) We don’t know what’s going on with the son, op said waiting for assessment. I have an 11yo with potential ND, she gets treated the same, however on the side we have conversations with our eldest ( they clash the most) about potential ND, she has many friends with ND so is not ignorant to the behaviours, but obviously that dosnt mean she has to accept any negative behaviour from her sibling. The conversations are had at age appropriate levels for all.

As it is it’s my dd with potential NDs that’s had to do the most reflection and think of her punishments atm. We do this when everyone is calm, there is a time line usually a day or 2 for reflection, talking and to see what they believe they think is appropriate punishment for the behaviour. Every time we’ve done this we or other dd says that the self punishment is too harsh so we tend to reduce it so everyone is happy. Biggest issue is taking and destroying her older sisters things, so very much like this situation, however it very much sounds like an accident here.

Punishments have ranged from taking her self off her devices ( which she heavily leans on) paying out of her own pocket/birthday money to replace items or gifting her much converted belongings away. There is always a talk about respect and ways to channel anger which we will always support

Bad temper, if not stopped - 'nipped in the bud' - as soon as it starts will grow, and fester into a wound impossible to contain.

There are faults on four sides, as there is in all families. If there is no discipline, there is a risk of breaking down the family.

Yes, the mother is annoyed at having to fix all those beads, etc. Anyone would be. Did the DD have the right to throw a tantrum because DB accidently spoiled the top?

Even if you think DD had the right to be upset, the way she showed it is wrong. If DD is not corrected now, at her age, she will continue to do so.

Children learn from the consequences - punishment, if you will - better than other ways. Parents cannot smack their children. Children have a human right not to be assaulted physically, but they should not profit from tantrums.

Almost all very young children have thrown a tantrum in a shop because mum won't buy them what they want. Many mums give in to save face. Would you? We cannot use the 'short sharp stick' punishment any more.

OP decided to punish in another way and DH should stand by her.because both must show a united front when it comes to discipline.

If the DS makes a habit of tormenting DD, even that can be resolved without loss of temper. Just because he 'has issues' does not mean he cannot be disciplined when he does something wrong. Some kids learn easily that they can 'profit' from their 'issues'.

Because we cannot resort to corporal punishment, does not mean children go unpunished.

A punishment is only a punishment if it has meaning.

The whole world would be a better place if faults are properly corrected. Motherhood is a serious responsibility.

I wonder how OP remembers how it feels to be 11. I read a book recently about a mum who preferred her male son (one of twins), it was called my name is Eden, or something like that. OP might do her daughter a favour by reading it.

You clearly have no idea of the work this girl has put in, her mother is ‘annoyed as having to gem the costume. She behaves as if if the girls dance is a an inconvenience. The bother is getting most of the attention and the girl is expected to just put up with all he does because he has ‘issues’. Just no, the mother needs to give the girl more attention . She should not have to put up and shut up about what her brother does , the mother needs to step up as a parent.

From what you have said your poor daughter is sidelined a lot because her brother takes a lot of your time and energy, i dont think you should punish her at all.she needs more of your attention. You come across as annoyed you ‘had’ to gem the costume and her comping is too much bother for you. Being a dance mum os hard work and a lot of commitments. I know i have 2 champion dancer grandchildren one of which has won a scholarship to dance college . You need to stop putting you son first . Also the top should not of been near a drink, all teh hours put in to gemming it you should of been more careful. Step up and show your daughter she is important as well, she needs it

I had also thought all of this

Even if it was a solo dance competition, other people will have worked with her. A teacher put her forward, helped with the routine etc. Someone will have paid for her to enter

The unfairness of the "golden child" was big but it would also have been hugely unfair on other people that aren't your daughter.

I am still wondering why a juice drink was on the same table as the top?

No. DD is 11. She should not be taught that her feelings don’t matter. Have a word to both kids yes, make them both apologise and talk about respect for possessions (DS) and feelings (DD) but if DD is taught not to speak up when something is unjust or unfair, that’s going to lead to a whole world of trauma and bad choices later in life.

I can see you decided to take your daughter Op, which is a very good thing.

But did it cross your mind that preventing her attending her dance comp has consequences beyond your family. She would be letting down her teacher and the whole team. If she is in a group dance they may have to do a last minute reshuffle to hide her missing spot. If she was hard working and talented enough to be chosen for a solo but is a no show, she is taking the spot another dancer could have have. If she was in a duet or trio, then the other girls are absolutely shafted. Whatever her role, as part of a team she is there to support and cheer on her fellow dancers not just accrue points, and her absence has an impact. Her teacher is going to consider her (and you) unreliable for pulling out last minute and she may find future chances vanishing.

Your initial intent to punish your daughter in this way was incredibly selfish and designed to cause maximum hurt and damage to your daughter whether you realised it consciously or not.

It is too late to 'punish' her for her reaction to what to an 11 year old was extreme provocation.

And 'punishment' is an inappropriate reaction from you.

Punishment often feels like revenge, lashing out, an eye for an eye.

Her brain will not connect any belated punishment with what actually happened and she will connect it only with resentment towards her brother - and to you.

Consequences on the other hand should be given immediately - but only once the parent is in control of their own emotions, reactions and behaviour, of course.

And here the consequences should have included all of you looking at what happened, why and how, and what you can all (including their father) do, to improve behaviour and relationships.

Why would you punish a child for being upset that their cherished outfit was ruined? Have you mentioned a ‘punishment’ for the child that ruined it? Terrible and unfair advice.