To cancel DD’s dance comp after what she said to her little brother?

I get it. I would not make her(OP) life a misery by you lot on here castigating her for her judgement.

1. She wanted to make her DD life a misery for her judgement so it's the same
2. She came on MN, AIBU to ask for advice and we are giving her that advice. Her one reply hasn't shown too much reflection so she is rightly still being asked to reflect on her favouritism

Not that I expect OP is even reading these any more

Not at all. Wouldn't you? Accidents happen, whether in show jumping or dancing competitions, or any other event.

What punishment do you think the OP deserves?

My final thought is it makes me re think estrangement threads on Gransnet - it's not really the incident itself, after all drinks get spilled, children call names but the anger towards the daughter is stark as is the favouritism of the son - but i hope this can be addressed before it's too late !

I get it. I would not make her(OP) life a misery by you lot on here castigating her for her judgement.

The OP conveyed to her daughter the fact that she should not have reacted to her DB spilling the fruit juice with such emotion.

There has to be some emotion shown by OP in order to issue the punishment. If that fitted what her DD did, then she should not feel regret/

What would you have done instead?

That's an excuse and you know it. She didn't instinctively feel anything and wasn't considering the competition except as a method of punishing her daughter.

If the OP instinctively felt that for her DD to enter the competition was beyond her emotions

She didn't think her daughter wasn't emotionally ready for the competition...

She took something very important away from her daughter because her daughter was upset about her brother ruining something else important to her

She did it to punish and hurt her daughter

She didn't make a "decision" - she "lost it" and was fuming - the exact same thing that she thinks deserves a "punishment" in her child. She does not apply the same to herself - and she is an adult, not a child whose emotional regulation is not yet mature. So hypocritical.
In any case, a child's angry expression of an authentic feeling is not something that requires punishment but understanding and guidance. Some replies on here are truly shocking.

nope she didn't choose decide or anything else, she reacted, the same as her daughter reacted.

that is just an excuse.

I would want to make absolutely sure my DD was confident prior to an event she is entering.

So you are all telling the OP she went too far and decided some sort of mental torment might teach the OP a lesson?

Maybe we should make OP miss something important to her because she had an emotional reaction

So what punishments do you give your children?

I have not said whether the punishment was right or wrong.

It is, though far far better than smacking. What would you have done?

If the OP instinctively felt that for her DD to enter the competition was beyond her emotions, then whether for punishment or otherwise, she should stick to her guns.

The OP punished her daughter for her behaviour in the way she thought fit.

Which doesn't mean it was acceptable or that we cannot point out she was wrong to act that way

DD was angry, she said something hurtful but she wasn't aggressive and could have been worse. She was then treated differently to her brother, who was given a pass for his damage. Her feelings of inadequacy and place as second fiddle were confirmed by the way her mother reacted

To then miss out on something so important to her because of her brother's actions would not help her, it would emotionally damage her

I keep saying it, she reacted with no thought or decision making on what is appropriate. I am not going to get into what I would have done. I believe that this goes deeper than this one episode.

Hang on. OP said she went too far, snapped and lost patience, resulting in her behaving in exactly the same way she was punishing her daughter for.
So who’s punishing OP then?

She punished her DD for a tantrum in the way she felt was appropriate at the time.

What would you have done?

Way OTT. In general I would say follow through, though, since once a punishment has been decided then you do it (cue, never say 'you won't be coming to Alton Towers' or whatever if that is going to cause a major management problem when it had to be done). However, it sounds like little brother is often doing things and possibly getting away with them - or why do you say he is hard work? And she is eleven, on the cusp if not over the edge of adolescence and liable to be incandescent about nothing. Say she must apologise to her brother and let it go.

NB 'siblings', a child of gender ideology implying you don't know someones gender ID and this matters (it doesn't), is a horrid way of saying 'her brother', he's her brother (because we know his sex)! (End of small rant)

And you know all that because?

do you not get it? She lost her patience. She didn't think at all, she reacted.

"The OP punished her daughter for her behaviour in the way she thought fit."

No she didn't. She admits she lost her patience. She didn't think.

Your comment about babies learning to cry for attention and therefore they should be left to cry is factually wrong. https://laleche.org.uk/letting-babies-cry-facts-behind-studies/#:~:text=In%201998%2C%20Harvard%20research%20showed,and%20sensitive%20to%20future%20trauma.&text=Chronic%20stress%20in%20infancy%20can,illness%20far%20into%20the%20future.

So? The OP wondered if she went too far. So what? I did not say she did. I reserve judgement, but at the time she thought it was right, and to change it would look like capitulation, and what then?

At the time the OP thought it was suitable. Perhaps it was, because if the DD became so angry and upset, perhaps she should not go anyway. Children should be confident when they enter something like that.

I would not let my DD enter into a pony show unless I was sure she was confident. If showing such temper as the OP's DD showed, then the OP was right to ground her.

I did not say she should not be corrected. But thats different to punishment. Yes talk to her .and no not everyone would be annoyed about gemming a costume, it all part of supporting your child in an activity you allowed them to do. If you cant be bothered to do what it take then dont let them start at all

What is the matter with you? You do not like my comments. You have that right. What 'advice' did you see in my post that you think is wrong? I made a comment: you see it as advice. That is not reason for insulting me. Once someone starts insulting because they cannot think of any other response, they display weakness.

Corporal punishment. is wrong. I have said nothing which would give anyone the opinion that I agree with it. Nor have I ever meted it out. There is a law against it. There shouldn't even be a law against it, but there is, because parents just don't seem to be able to attack their children unless there is a law.

(thinking about it, there shouldn't be a parking law in dangerous places, but if there were no double yellows, people would park anywhere)

We have to have laws, because people cannot be trusted to do the right thing. If you studied Social History, it isn't that long since a husband was told that he could beat his wife so long as the stick was no thicker than his thumb!

The OP punished her daughter for her behaviour in the way she thought fit. Bad behaviour should be corrected. It was her choice. I am not even saying it would be mine, but you have to correct bad behaviour, and it has to have meaning.

Her DD was angry at her DB, for spoiling her top. Anyone would be. I am not saying he was right or that he shouldn't be held accountable. The way DD's anger is shown is aggressive and unacceptable to the OP,

Anger and aggression must be stopped, otherwise DD might think it acceptable. The OP felt that not going to the dance competition would show what she did was not acceptable. Hopefully, in the future, the DD will think twice before venting anger.

You say you would have handled it better than the OP. Well we can all say that in hindsight. Perhaps the OP had no other option?